How to get over a traumatic expierance that causes trust issues?

Back when I was 17 I entered a 10 month relationship, that went to far down the wrong road... In those 10 months we had a child and were on the verge of marriage.

I'll start at the beginning...

This girl I had thought was sexy for quiet some time invited me to a party, I thought it was a date, but it turned out she wanted me there because I'm a big scary guy and I've been known to be violent and throw fists without warning, and there were going to be guys there that she thought would try to take advantage of her while she was fucked up, so I was more of a body guard than a date.

I smoked a blunt and swallowed some cough syrup before she picked me up and at the party, everything went smooth, she stayed by me and no one bothered us. I downed a half a fifth of jack daniels, smoked a few blunts and had 1 or 2 beers. I was FUCKED. My "date" left and i decided to stay for a bit longer and get more tore up. I had a few more beers and another joint got passed around with the girl throwing the party, her mom and the two other people left at the trailor. The clock hit 4am and it was about a 30 minute walk back to my house, so I said I needed to start walkin, but got invited to stay because of the level I was on and how far out the trailor park was. The girl throwing the party followed me into the bed room and started takin off my pants, and I said the one thing I had never said before. "I'm to fucked up I can't do this I can't even see nothin" so she pretty much raped me, the entire time I was tellin her to stop I didn't want to. And I'm pretty sure I passed out before it was over.

The next morning I woke up pretty early. Things were goin great she was treatin me like a fuckin KING in her own house. That night she asked me to be her man, so I went for it and stayed another night before going home. Things went smooth for about 3 months. And then she cheated on me with my ex-drug dealer. She acted more upset than I did so I let her have one more chance. About a month or so later, we found out she was pregnant, and it could have been mine, or it could have been the dealers. We both had it set in our minds it was mine, so I stayed. Time went by and I ended up moving in with her and her mom and her mom's boyfriend.

We fought now and again but it wasn't really anything to serious. Her and her mom fought constantly however. At one point her mom drug her across the rocks of the trailor park by her hair and I ran outside and threw up a fist like I was gona bust her, and she flinched so hard she fell on her ass and litterally rolled backward over her head and back on her ass. We decided to move to my mom's house instead. Her mom threatened to call the pigs and tell him she threatened to kill herself if we tried to leave, but it didn't stop us and she did just that. She was put in a mental hospital for 48 hours and my mother and myself went and got her, and got a restraining order on her mom. We got a pig to escort us to get the rest of her things from her mom's house, in which time her mother got herself put in handcuffs for trying to start shit.

After awhile, I caught her talking dirty with some guy she knew from her home town in a state over on the internet, and this was the first time I lost control. I snapped the computer microphone, threw the webcam, smashed it into to many small pieces to count and was just barely able to stop myself from back handing her across the room, Even after another 3 months the scar of her cheating was still deep and fresh, and entered my mind at some point every single day. From here the fights started always going in a direction of her physically fighting with me, and me holding her down and very often threatening her.

On August 8th, my 18th birthday, we had been together just a few days over 8 months, it was a good day up the evening. She wanted to go hangout with a girl I knew was a slut and always fuckin anyone that'd take her, always around guys tryin to get dick. At this point I didnt even want her hanging around guys when I was around. I admit I became a little controlling over the whole hanging out with other guys thing. I didnt like it, I didnt trust her. And she wanted to abandon me on my birthday to go hangout with this slut and her male-friends. I didnt say "i dont want you to" I said "your not fuckin goin to" and the shit started, she hit me and started yelling at me, I told her to shut the fuck up my mom didn't want to hear her shit, and she said "That bitch can come tell me so then" and with me, my mother is the most important person in my life, it was just a step to far, I was to mad and shit got out of hand, I back handed her and put her on her ass. And she started kicking me in the shins from the bed (where she landed), so i started kicking her back, in the shins of course. And a neighbor ended up calling the cops. I almost got charged with domestic abuse and disturbing the peace, as well as minor in possession due to having empty alcohol bottles in my bed room, but the pig let me off due to it "being your birthday and first offense". And threatened if he heard my name again he would bring these charges back up, which I ignored because I know my laws and rights, and that once he lets it go he can't bring it up at a later time.

We split up, she moved back with her mom. About a week or 2 later she called and wanted to work things out, and we did. This time I moved in with her because my mom didn't want her around. I stayed every weekend at my mom's house to spend time with her, and all week at her house, where we often fought and things sometimes got physical. Every monday when I went back to her house, she would tell me a new story of her cheating on me, and I would get mad, go out, find whoever she said she'd slept with, hit them around a little bit and come home and things would go back to normal. At this point I wasn't in love with her anymore, I was just staying for my daughter. We decided to name my daughter Aiden, and I got the name tattooed on my left forearm, right under my mom's name, and after I got the tattoo she always threatened to change the spelling of the name when we fought. I started drinking litterally all the time. I would wake up still drunk from the night before and start drinking right away. I started having serious stomach problems, and went to the doctor, got some tests done and they found and ulcer in my stomach, said it was most likely caused by stress, but if I kept drinking it could explode and possibly kill me, but living with this woman and not drinking just wasn't an option, and I honestly didn't care at all if I lived or died, so I kept to my routine of being drunk 24/7. The only happiness in my life was when I slept at night, because I had the same dream every night. I dreamed of cutting this woman up laying next to me. I dreamed every night of mutilating her body in the worst possible ways...

We were engaged to marry for 1 month now, since we worked things out after my birthday incident. I went out one night with some friends to drink some beer and smoke some weed. I got home an hour late, and after her claiming to cheat on me with a different guy every weekend, she had the guts to accuse me. I walked in the door and she said "who you been out fuckin?" I said "I aint dealin with your shit Im goin to bed". I didn't even notice the monkey wrench in her hand when I walked by. I felt something hit me on the top of the head, hard. Hard enough to know a 200 pound man completely off his feet. I looked up and she was standing above me, about to hit me with the wrench again, i swung up and hit her in the mouth with a full fist and blood started pouring out of her mouth and nose. I got up and walked 2 miles to the hospital where I had to get 6 staples in the top of my head. When I walked out of the ER part and into the waiting room, 4 police officers were waiting for me. I got arrested for domestic abuse because she said I hit her first.

Bail was 800$, but being close to my drug dealers has always been a benefit, and I got bailed out less than 3 hours after being arrested, less than 10 minutes after being put in the holding cell for the night. And I stayed with him until the court date which was only 1 week later. After court, I went back to stay with her. About a month later, the dreams were still an every night thing and now we fought more than once every day and I ended up slapping her atleast once a day. I was a wreck. I was still drinking myself sick day and night, praying for death. I knew that if I didn't leave I'd end up hurting my daughter so I finally left for good. I got a new girlfriend right away, and my babys mamma was constantly starting shit with her. Me, my best friend and my new girl went to get the rest of my shit, my ex's 14 year old sister was talking shit when we were getting in the car to leave and I told her to shut the fuck up. She got in my way so I couldn't close the car door, my friend, whose car it was was yelling at her to move I was yelling at her to get the fuck out of the way and she was in my face talkin shit, so I just started slamming the door against her and she got in the car on my lap with her knees on my thighs so I couldn't reach my knife, so I grabbed my friends knife out of the center console of the car, and stabbed her in the chest, but he grabbed my hand and the knife only took a small chunk out of her titty, but if he hadn't grabbed my hand, or had grabbed it just one second later I'm 100% positive it would have been a deadly wound.

My girl at that time, scratched up my face and arms, we ditched the knives back at her house and waited for the cops to pick us up. I played their role this time and said I didn't stab her, I told the rest of the story in truth and added pushing her out of the car unharmed. Sadly enough, us 3 lying's story added up better than my ex, her new fuck buddy, her sister, their mom and their mom's boyfriend all together. The cops said our story matched and all of their stories were different, worst part is they ALL saw it happen. and at once she was still considered a minor in this state, I didn't have a choice to press charges and she was sent to a juvenile detention center, I still laugh about this when I think about it. Paybacks a bitch, and revenge feels so good.

That was at the end of october, about 10 and 1/2 months after I met her. My daughter was born January 30th 2010. She turns 3 this coming January, and I've only seen her once. Kelly claims now that she only cheated on me once and that was with my ex-dealer, and she only said she did to hurt me and cause drama. Which adds up when I think about it due to every guy I violently attacked seemed to have no clue why they were gettin they head beat into the sidewalk...

Kelly moved back to Kansas right before giving birth, and didn't come back to missouri until last year, so I could see my daughter for her birthday. And the only reason she agreed to this was because I said I'd get back with her if she did. Which of course was a lie, I can't deal with that again. I'm only 20 years old and I feel like an old man. My youth was sucked out of me from all the stress, I'm suprised I dont have grey hairs. Of course after she found out I had no intention of being with her, she left and I havn't seen my kid since. I dont have a job as the economy around here is in the shitter, so I havn't been able to pay child support, or afford a lawyer to get shared custody.

I forgot to mention, about 2 months after leaving, I went to the doctor to see why I was still alive. The ulcer magically disappeared I guess, because they found absolutely no trace of it.

I have been with my current girl for 1 year and 4 months. Our relationship is great. Deep down I feel that she is 100% committed to me and we're getting married as soon as I get my GED (early next month) and getting our own home. I love her with all my heart and I couldn't be happier. But I still to this day have problems with my past relationship. I can't stand her being around other men, and she willing made the sacrifice to not have male friends to make me feel better. I feel like I'm controlling her and it hurts me, but at the same time I can't be ok with it because even though I know she doesn't hang around other guys at all, when we're not together sometimes I get these thoughts through my head wondering what shes doing, that if shes cheating on me. Before we got together she had slept with more men before me than kelly had. I often also find this bothering me. Sometimes late at night when I'm laying on the couch alone trying to get to sleep I can't help but to think if she's slept with more men than kelly had, why wouldn't she be even worse than kelly? Sometimes I even have nightmares that wake me up in a panic about her cheating on me.

I once had a dream where I woke up in a car, in a place I'd never been, but somehow knew it was my home, my car. I walked into the house, picked up my gun off the desk, went upstairs and took her and her lover to the basement and made her watch me torcher him to death then take my own life. And it felt so real. After I shot myself in the head it was just black, and it felt like it lasted for hours and hours before I woke up. I was 100% aware. even though dead I could feel my arms, but unable to move them, as well as my legs. I could feel how heavy they were. I could feel my entire bodies dead weight. This dream made me question everything. It made me question life after death, it made me ask if there is life after death, or if my god, Odin, just didn't accept me in my dream because I hadnt died an honorable death. It was the realest dream I had. I believe the dream started as soon as I fell asleep, and the empty blackness and paralysis continued until I opened my eyes.

I also believe this dream was caused by the insecurity caused by my past relationship. I used to be carefree and happy until I met that woman. My entire life changed and now I question my trust for the person I love more than anything in this world because of that one relationship. I feel like it has ruined my entire life. How can I get over these issues? I need help so I can live a wonderful life and be carefree once again. I need the confidence back that was stolen from me. Physically I find myself stronger than I ever have been, and some days my mentality is just as strong, but on some days I just cant get terrible thoughts and fears out of my head as if it's a ghost haunting me. On the days I'm depressed the most I find myself thinkin more and more about the betrayal people are capable of, and how my daughter is going to grow up just like her mother, just as she grew up just like HER mother. Some days I don't even want to live because I have no way to see my own flesh and blood, on these days I fear things are going to end up the same as they did before. Some days I have no fears. Some I have more fears than any man ever should.

I have no social life. I dont trust any of my friends at all, I dont make new friends, I've closed the doors to almost every person that cared about me except this girl and my grandparents and mother. I don't talk to anyone else what so ever. People around this town don't like me and think I'm weird because I don't even leave the house except to buy cigarettes or work with my grandpa when he needs help. This girl is the only person I've truely connected with since that relationship. And I dont want to let my fears and past ruin what I've got with her because its right up there next to magical.

 

any TL DR version of this?

 

With you on this one, and skimming through the text, looks like this belongs in Personal Support forum.

-LeetNeo.

 

Defiantly belongs in the Personal Support Forum. I promise you'll get some good responses there, in the mean time I shall give this a read when I get home

 

Damn man, that's alot you've been trough..
There's a few things you should do in an attempt to get your life back on track... I'll tell you what I'd personally do.

- Get a psychiatrist, talking to someone about this would probably be the best.
- Get reasons to meet people, for example a sports team is usually a great way. It may be hard to to trust them, but there will always be at least one-two people you feel you can trust. I personally don't let strangers come close to me as well (not as bad as you I guess), it takes a while for me to trust them, and once I trust them I can be fully myself.
- Perhaps watch some "hypnosis video's" about your inner self. For example, when I wanted to get over past issues I downloaded "Inner game installed", it was designed to get yourself in good state of mind, to get better at picking up girls. But with two of the video's(explanation before hypnosis) along with the two audio files (hypnosis) I really felt it helped me. What it did was confront me with past issues. I was litterally crying during one of the hypnosis sessions by something that had always felt innocent. Appareantly the memory was holding more then I could see.
If you want, I'll send the files to you.
- Get to see your daughter on regular basis, it might be painfull for you at the moment, but I'm sure in the long run it will be worth it. I know a father who never sees his kids because his ex always told them he was a criminal (He's not!!). So the kids are afraid to see him. And it still hurts him every day, every hour, every minute.
If picking your daughter up yourself isn't an option because it's too much of an emotional barrier, or if you are afraid to get into a fight with your ex. Let your current girlfriend pick her up, or someone else that is close to you.

goodluck man


Off topic:
I assume your ex-VH as well? I've been in it for years myself

 

Wow I actually really got into all of this so my advice to you is let the girl you're with now be an inspiration to you let her love you let her be the 1 you need. MY dad used to always tell me your future is built on a broken past let your past be a rock for you to stand on don't let it stop you from growing and by reading the story you never really fell in love with her you were just in love with the compatibility of being by her side. A lot of people mistake comfortsbility and lust for love you have to allow love to grow in a relstionship it cannot be forced to be there.

I also read the part about you seen your daughter if you are currently on child support you should be able to see her more than once in a month now weather you take responsibility and take action on the matter of you see your daughter a lot more that's a decision you need to make shee can't stop you. "Take action" You need to do what u need to do.

If you think you got everything you need in your life right now with the woman you have you need to talk to her about anything and everything you're feeling because you don't want her to feel like it's because of her you need to let her know exactly what's going onyou need to be 100 percent with the woman you're with right now and believe me if you tell her everything about your past all the problems will go away wanna know why because she'll be the 1 you need she'll be the 1 that you can talk to she'll be the 1 that you dream about she'll be the 1 to help you with all the problems that you need help with so let her man that if you love her and she's 100 percent yours.

and this is it advice coming from a 20 year old with 4 kids 3 baby mamas believe what I say man do what you gotta do

 

VH? Viral Hepatitis? As far as I know she doesnt have anything, but she has been with quiet a lot of people since we broke up, every month she texts me talkin shit with a different guy's name on her signature.

I'd be very interested in these videos you were talking about. I also dont have money for a psychiatrist, I'm in between jobs and only working hard labor for slave wages, around 25 dollars a week.

My ex and daughter live in a different state. I have no license and no one willing to drive me that far.

Also we do talk about most of this, I havn't told her how much it fucked with my mental state, but she does know about having trust issues over it and such and she does her best to work with me on it.