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Grade Me.

What is my grade?

  • A+-

    Votes: 2 5.9%
  • B+-

    Votes: 17 50.0%
  • C+-

    Votes: 7 20.6%
  • D+-

    Votes: 1 2.9%
  • F+-

    Votes: 7 20.6%

  • Total voters
    34

Billyy

Grand Master

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Well I have to turn in a 5 paragraph essay tomorrow. I just wanted everyone's opinion. And serious opinion please. Any spamming/flaming will be reported to the moderators. Thanks. :)

I am in Grade 11, and this is for CP American Studies. (College Prep).

Oh btw, sorry for it being so long. :(

The Issues of the Gilded Age


The Gilded Age spanned from 1865 to around 1914. It was an important time in American history. On the surface, the Gilded Age seemed to be a wonderful era, but if you dug deeper, it would be obvious it was not. Immigration, industrialization, and urbanization are the three main issues of the Gilded Age.
Immigration was a great problem in the United States during this time period. Literally, millions upon millions of people were flooding to this country in hopes of a better lifetime. Immigrants were coming from all over the world, in hopes of their own American dream. Just to get here, and realize that it would never be accomplished. People were coming to American to avoid pogroms, which was the systematic massacre of Jews in Russia. They were also trying to escape never ending poverty. The draft was a threat to many young men living in other countries. They would be drafted into a war they did not want to be in. To avoid these drafts they would travel to America. A big part of immigration was Ellis Island. Ellis Island was a trafficking island, to care for immigrants, give them food, shelter and medical attention if needed. Millions of immigrants were brought through this island, in hopes of not getting rejected and sent back to their country. They wished and wanted a better life in America.
Urbanization was also a very large issue in the time period of the Gilded Age. Urbanization was the process of becoming a city. American cities were expanding upward and outward becoming larger as more and more immigrants flooded to them. There was much poverty and overcrowding, so much that the air was black with soot. This urbanization started the beginnings of public transportation and subways. It also gave way for skyscrapers to be born. Many immigrants came for a new life and this caused much overcrowding. From 1880, to 1920, over eleven million people left rural areas and moved to more urban areas, forming extremely large cities and causing devastating overcrowding. This overcrowding produced disease infested rats that were found in the sewers. Overcrowding became so bad, sometimes six or seven families would share one toilet. Urbanization caused ghettos to form. These ghettos were formed because of the natural inclination to live by other people of your same ethnicity. Overall, urbanization was a disaster, and it had horrible effects on the people.
Industrialization was another contributing factor to the issues of the Gilded Age. Industrialization was the process of becoming industrialized, which included factories, businesses and railroads. Industrialization mocked the first enterprises on the military. Using a hierarchy as their way of functioning. Railroads were the first major corporation in America, and they were funded by the government. Some important people involved with industrialization were John D. Rockefeller, he was a large oil company, and Andrew Carnegie, who was a steel manufacturer. They were very large factories, and contributed to the process of industrialization. They were the ones in power, the ones holding the nation’s wealth. In 1900, Carnegie’s income for that year was 23 million dollars with no income tax. Rockefeller’s personal wealth was around one billion dollars in today’s standards. Clearly they held most of the nation’s wealth. Although they held most of the nation’s wealth, 1/8 of the population which was approximately ten million people, lived under the poverty line, and 1/5 of the people lived barely at the poverty line. Overall, industrialization was a very large contributing to both the nation’s wealth, and the nation’s poverty.

In conclusion, there were three main contributing factors to the Gilded Age, industrialization, immigration, and urbanization. They all affected the nation, some for the better, and some for the worse. Those three issues were the most important in terms of the Gilded Age.


The ending is kind of weak, and any ideas to improve it would help me a great deal.

It is double spaced in my word program, and it's around 2 and a quarter pages. Tell me what grade I would get.
 
Actually, I think it is rather good. I would give you an A!
 
You should mention your age and what grade/level of schooling you're in. That gives a better perception of what grade you should receive.
 
too short lol.
 
My comments are in yellow.

The Issues of the Gilded Age


The Gilded Age spanned from 1865 to around 1914. It was an important time in American history. On the surface, the Gilded Age seemed to be a wonderful era, but if you dug deeper, it would be obvious it was not. Immigration, industrialization, and urbanization are the three main issues of the Gilded Age.
Immigration was a great problem in the United States during this time period. Literally, millions upon millions of people were flooding to this country in hopes of a better lifetime. Immigrants were coming from all over the world (deleted comma) in hopes of their own American dream, just to get here, and realize that it would never be realized. People were coming to America(removed "n") to avoid pogroms (the systematic massacre of Jews in Russia). They were also trying to escape never ending poverty. The draft was a threat to many young men living in other countries. They would be drafted into a war they did not want to be in. To avoid these drafts they would travel to America. A big part of immigration was Ellis Island. Ellis Island was a trafficking island, to care for immigrants, give them food, shelter and medical attention if needed. (Ellis Island was a checkpoint, actually) Millions of immigrants went through through this island, in hopes of being accepted and allowed into America, where they could have a better life.
Urbanization was also a very large issue in the time period of the Gilded Age. Urbanization was the process of becoming a city. American cities were expanding upward and outward becoming larger as more and more immigrants flooded to them. There was much poverty and overcrowding, so much that the air was black with soot. (what do poverty and overcrowding have to do with soot?) This urbanization started the beginnings of public transportation and subways. It also paved the way for the birth of skyscrapers. Many immigrants came for a new life and this caused much overcrowding. (< already said this) From 1880, to 1920, over eleven million people left rural areas and moved to more urban areas, forming extremely large cities and causing devastating overcrowding. This overcrowding produced disease infested rats that were found in the sewers. Overcrowding became so bad, sometimes six or seven families would share one toilet. Urbanization caused ghettos to form. These ghettos were formed because of the natural inclination to live by other people of your same ethnicity. Overall, urbanization was a disaster, and it had horrible effects on the people.
Industrialization was another contributing factor to the issues of the Gilded Age. Industrialization was the process of becoming industrialized (really?), which included factories, businesses and railroads. Industrialization mocked the first enterprises on the military, using a hierarchy as their way of functioning. Railroads were the first major corporation in America, and they were funded by the government. Some important people involved with industrialization were John D. Rockefeller, he was a large oil company (the man himself was a company?), and Andrew Carnegie, who was a steel manufacturer. They owned very large factories, and contributed to the process of industrialization. They were the ones in power, the ones holding the nation’s wealth. In 1900, Carnegie’s income for that year was 23 million dollars with no income tax. Rockefeller’s personal wealth was around one billion dollars in today’s standards. Clearly they held most of the nation’s wealth. Although they held most of the nation’s wealth, 1/8 of the population which was approximately ten million people, lived under the poverty line, and 1/5 of the people lived barely at the poverty line. Overall, industrialization was a very large contributor to both the nation’s wealth, and the nation’s poverty.

(removed "In conclusion")There were three main contributing factors to the Gilded Age, industrialization, immigration, and urbanization. They all affected the nation, some for the better, and some for the worse. Those three issues were the most important in terms of the Gilded Age.

Good essay, but you repeat several points. A lot. :/
 
It only has to be 5 paragraphs lol, and it's not necessarily the length, it's the quality..

My comments are in yellow.



Good essay, but you repeat several points. A lot. :/

Thanks Shredder, this is what I was looking for. Too bad so many people graded me an "F+-". I don't think my American Studies teacher will be that harsh. Anyway, sorry for the double post, and thanks again. :)
 
Its ok I found a few mistakes for example
in the second line dont say if you dug deeper say if you dig deeper
Id give it a B maybe a B+
 
You can't get a F+/-.

You should also include a grabber starting sentence. Also I would suggest combining these two sentences-

"The Gilded Age spanned from 1865 to around 1914 and was an extremely important historical era. "etc, etc.

Over all, I give you a B+.

The people who gave you an F are inmuture little kids, who aren't smart enough to back up their reason.
 
decent, but a bit incoherent seems as if you went from topic to topic with each sentence.

maybe it would be clearer if you indented and separated each paragraph.
 
decent, but a bit incoherent seems as if you went from topic to topic with each sentence.

maybe it would be clearer if you indented and separated each paragraph.

They are separated in the acutal word document.

[N]ick;2727030 said:
You can't get a F+/-.

You should also include a grabber starting sentence. Also I would suggest combining these two sentences-

"The Gilded Age spanned from 1865 to around 1914 and was an extremely important historical era. "etc, etc.

Over all, I give you a B+.

The people who gave you an F are inmuture little kids, who aren't smart enough to back up their reason.

Thanks Nick, I'm taking your criticism into consideration and I will be changing some things.

Its ok I found a few mistakes for example
in the second line dont say if you dug deeper say if you dig deeper
Id give it a B maybe a B+

Thanks juvenilepunk.
 
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Several stylistic errors, particularly in the flow of your arguments. You start many of your sentences with a new idea, when you should be using segues. You need to establish relevance before you introduce something. Otherwise, you leave the reader wondering: what the hell? It also makes the writing very choppy.

Additionally, you re-use words too many times. Pronouns and synonyms are your friends.

Some smaller errors:

1. Never use "you" in a formal essay

2. Fragment:
Just to get here, and realize that it would never be accomplished.

3. Awkward Passive Voice:
Immigration, industrialization, and urbanization are the three main issues of the Gilded Age.
(Should be, "The three main issues of the Gilded Age were immigration, industrialization, and urbanization.")

4. Vague Subject:
Urbanization was the process of becoming a city.
The process of what becoming a city? You need to specify.

5. You can't use a word to define itself:
Industrialization was the process of becoming industrialized, which included factories, businesses and railroads.
Duh. No one needs you to tell them that "industrialization was the process of becoming industrialized".

6. Other:
never ending should be never-ending

There was much poverty and overcrowding, so much that the air was black with soot.
- I think you meant "so much so"?

Could use a fair bit of revision still.
 
thats a nice paragraph i found a few mistakes but i would say a b+
 
Thanks Sin, I think Shredder got most of this, but I'm still revising. I might do this for my research paper too, that one has to be up to 10 pages, and I do appreciate all of your guys' help. Thanks again.
 
The concluding paragraph is the most important paragraph in the whole essay like you mentioned it is kind of weak and you might want to add more facts in their and not so much opinion, still have opinion but more fact
 
The concluding paragraph is the most important paragraph in the whole essay like you mentioned it is kind of weak and you might want to add more facts in their and not so much opinion, still have opinion but more fact

I was taught not to introduce new ideas into the concluding paragraph. I'm working on it though.
 
Well, considering you're some one in Grade 11, I've probably seen much better works. In the beginning, it seemed too plain, and didn't get any of my attention.

The Gilded Age spanned from 1865 to around 1914. It was an important time in American history. On the surface, the Gilded Age seemed to be a wonderful era, but if you dug deeper, it would be obvious it was not. Immigration, industrialization, and urbanization are the three main issues of the Gilded Age.

That didn't seem so well, but as it got deeper into the body, I thought it was fine. But yeah, considering how you're "17," I've probably seen better of your age.

B-
 
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