College Essay Check :)

Tell what you like and don't like.
Thank you


The lights were flashing red and blue, and the whole neighborhood could hear the loud noise that echoed. The fireworks soared high in sky as the cops hurried quickly from the car towards us. Tonight was supposed to be a night of glaring lights that lit up the sky, hot dogs, and a good time with friends remembering how our great country was formed. Unfortunately, for us, we were in for the night of our lives.

Sitting on the cul-de-sac bored out of our minds, the neighborhood kids struggled to come up with a plan to feed our boredom. Eureka! It happened in a flash, an idea was born, fireworks. Year after year, we had collected a steadily increasing stash of good quality fireworks, with what little money we had. Not those lame fountains found everywhere, the big boys. I'm talking about blackcats, cherry bombs, roman candles, the list goes on forever. With the new idea in mind, our minds began to soar with imagination. Oh, the possibilities! Shoom! Crack! The sky lit up as bright as the sun, and as colorful as the sunset right before dark. We knew it was time to stop before our light suddenly faded, but it was our consciences that lost the fight. Now was time to do or die. The finale of our masterpiece. The mortars. Boom! The first explosion caused the ground to shake with trepidation as the sirens could be heard steadily moving towards the noise.

The cops sped in at a frightening speed, and all I could do was freeze in fear as the world around me turned upside down. People running in all directions. Some hid in the woods, and others went inside. Suddenly, my friends voice broke the fear that overtook me, and I began to rush with him towards his house to hide. Frantically, we entered the house searching for anything that could keep us from the blinding lights of their cars. Finally, we found a spot to ease our minds, and began to hope this madness would end as quickly as it began. Why did I have to listen to my friends, not my conscience? Unfortunately, despite our strongest desire to be free at last, the doorbell rang. Every bone in my body began to shake with fear at this point. Off sheer adrenaline, we ran towards the only safe place left, the back door leading to the woods.

Smack! The door closed, and we ran as fast as we could to hide under some big trees. The cop must've heard the noise because he came to search the woods. Our luck had run out, and now we hid under the supporting branches just waiting to be picked off by the bird of prey. We could hear his footsteps as he steadily, but surely, moved towards us. With every step my heart beat faster. He drew nearer and nearer. Until suddenly,by some supernatural force watching over us, he stopped and turned around heading towards the car. The mere seconds it took for him to get to his car seemed like hours to us. Finally, he was gone. We were free at last!

My veins were ice as I walked away from the events that unfolded. My mind began to wander about what could've happened if I was caught. The rattling of my cup on the jail cell as my whole life passed me by because of one stupid mistake. Never again.

 

What's the prompt of the essay?

 

For the love of God go talk to your English teacher about when to use a comma.

 

Is this supposed to be fictional, or recounting a past experience?

Also, I agree with Jebadiah - your comma placement needs work.

 

some of the sentences are intended to be fragments for emphasis. its a type of style. however, i suppose you are correct, and the topic is a significant experience that happened to you.

 

You also may consider a less criminal event. It's an institute of higher learning for fucks sake.

 

It sounds like the police chased you for letting fireworks off on the 4th July.. ?

What?

 

Another thing: You're not good enough at writing to do this.

 

if you don't try you'll never get better. no need to be a jerk

Also, if you say I'm bad at writing, which I'm not denying, then how do I need to change my story to use this type of style?

Yes, it's supposed to be a risk essay, and I tried to sort of "cool" it down at the end by making it seem innocent. Also, Virginia is gay, they only let you shoot fountain fireworks.

 

If I were you I would abandon that "style" your going for. Keep it simple. There is nothing wrong with simplicity.

On a side note: Would you like to have me write an essay for you? I wouldn't charge much.

Edit: That was mean. Sorry.

 

I'm no professional but I think it'd sound better?
From
"drew nearer and nearer. Until suddenly,by some supernatural force"
To
"drew nearer and nearer until suddenly,by some supernatural force"

Also
From
"We were free at last!"
To
Something better. Can't pinpoint what. Our hearts stopped pounding and we got back ... idk but what you have is just said too much.. boring.

The rest is good, i like the story. Little dramatic though? Your whole life depending on this? Hardly.

 

Thanks for the input. I think I'll try some of this.
For the dramatic part, is it a little cliche you think?

For reference to others: This is the type of response I'm looking for. Something productive.

 

If has anything to do with my criticisms please keep in mind that I proofread and corrected your entire essay.

 

Post it then.

 

Did you miss my first post here!? I went through your essay, sentence by sentence, proofreading and making suggestions.

 

^
He probably missed it because you had put it in quotes. I did the same.

Now that I read over your corrections, though, I have some additions of my own:

"It happened in a flash, an idea was born, fireworks."
to
"It happened in a flash - an idea was born: fireworks."

"Not those lame fountains found everywhere, the big boys."
makes it sound like the fountains are the big boys.
possible change to something like:
"Not those lame fountains found everywhere - no, this was about the big boys."

"Some hid in the woods, and others went inside."
to:
"Some hid in the woods while others hid inside."

Also, I think you should leave the references to 'cop' as they are and not change it to 'police officer'. It makes the whole thing sound somewhat more intimate and colloquial. Plus, in this case, the police officer isn't your friend - he's your enemy.

 

I strongly suggest that you don't submit an essay about running from the police. I gather this is an admissions essay so you must ask yourself: "Do I want my first impression to be that of a criminal? Not only a criminal but one too cowardly to accept his punishment for breaking the law.

 

The story is interesting, indeed, but it is confusing. I'm super confused at the chronology behind the story. I'm guessing that length requirement/limit is inhibiting you from conveying your point most effectively. Where are you applying?

 

yes, it definitely inhibited my writing , and the deadline is january 1st I think? I'm applying to UVA.

 

Consider changing your topic if writing about this incident cannot be done well within the confines of the assignment. You could write a fictional anecdote and the person reading it would never know. Just something to think about.