What do you guys think of my reflective essay?

Here's my reflective essay, own work. Definitely needs improvement, can anyone help me to correct and tell me what's wrong?

Shades of Grey​

I have this fear. It causes me to feel unsecure. I break out in cold sweat. My heart beats faster and faster. My eyes dart across the room as I’m waiting for something to happen. I would be still like a statue and breathing heavily as the seconds ticked by. I was terrified of ghosts.

It all began when I started watching my first horror movie and freaked out. Even after the first movie I watched gave me creeps, I continued to watch more and more horror genre movies. Every time I watch horror movies, I would place myself comfortably on the sofa and when epic moments came, I would either shriek and miss a heartbeat, or close my eyes and even feel the terror as the sound reached my ears.

After each movie, I find myself in a state of caution and wariness. I would imagine the ghastly figure reflecting in the bathroom mirror as I brushed my teeth. I would imagine that a hideous monster was on my ceiling and occasionally look up. I would be afraid to pick up a phone call that rang in the middle of the night. Then it was bed time, I tucked myself on the bed and pulled the blankets up to my neck and left my eyes wide open. In the darkness, my eyes moved from one corner to the other corner and often I saw the silhouette of my own objects that resembles a monstrous creature.

I have been living in this kind of fear for a few months until my mom realized I was acting weird after watching a horror movie. I felt ashamed at first but my mom was pretty good at encouraging people and I let my mom know that I feared about ghosts. My mom laughed and gave me a look that tells me I’m a foolish boy, and then she explained that ghosts were just there to give you entertainment and thrills of excitement, they are really no ghosts that exist in the world.

After how my mom actually changed my life and point of view towards ghosts, I could breathe freely again whenever I watch horror movies. I realized that no ghosts are real and when you see imaginary figures with your eyes, it’s because you think too much about it and your mind starts sending messages to your eyes. My mom literally save me from the dark but I still break out in cold sweat when I watch horror movies, I think it’s normal because if you don’t, you are not human, and that freaks me out!

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Comments please

 

nice voice

 

I thinks its pretty good and i think my english 3 teacher( im a junior in highschool) would give you an A for it.....I like the beginning couple of sentences, it grabs my attention.

 

Hello! Let me offer my .02$

Starting the essay off with "I have this fear" is an interesting way to begin, however "have" is a light verb that can be replaced with power verbs (in red). In fact, let me highlight all your "weak" verbs quick. I'll also add corrections in blue:

I have this fear. It causes me to feel unsecure. I break out in a cold sweat. My heart beats faster and faster. My eyes dart across the room as I’m waiting for something to happen. I would be still like a statue and breathing heavily as the seconds ticked by. I was terrified of ghosts.

And that's only the first paragraph. In the second and onward paragraphs you used a lot of self-references (me, myself, and I) that I feel took away from the reflection. If you can change those to make it ambiguous, yet still reference you (example: "It all began when I started watching my first horror movie and freaked out." could become "The first horror film was terrifying, yet the fear it caused was addicting" (which also transitions smoothely into the second paragraph). It's okay to use me's and I's, but the less you use them, the better the story becomes!

The grammar is good (could use a bit of polishing but nothing major), and the story is well though out. I think you did a very good job.

(If you don't quite understand what I mean by the above, here's my redoing of your first paragraph (feel free to keep it if you like it!):

Fear: the feeling of insecurity; loneliness; helplessness. It causes you break out in cold sweats; causes your heart to beat faster and faster; causes paranoia to capture your eyes; freezes you in place. We all have our fears: spiders, snakes, mice. I am afraid of ghosts.


Something about the paragraph I wrote doesn't feel right. I think it needs to capture the reader in a room of fear: make them imagine they are being held hostage by the fear. Rat in the cage style. Perhaps painting a picture of fear (something like cold walls, screams of madness, etc) could liven it up. Otherwise, that's what I got!


Also, you should start getting into the practice of avoiding high-school speech phrases, such as "my mom literally" or "gave me the creeps."

 

I'd' change unsecure to insecure.

 

focus more on detail. Feel the voice, not hear it. The reader should be able to easily picture everything that is going on. Would you rather listen to the professor up at the podium spouting off a couple of fancy words or listen to someone telling a story that pulls you into the story. With all of that being said, try to revise