5 Paragraph Essay help

Alright, I just rushed my 5 paragraph essay. Its on a book by the name of Bunker 10. I need help, because my grammar sucks. Also I need help keeping it all in literary present tense, since my teacher told us to do that ("literature never dies" -.-).
I know its asking a little much for anyone to read this whole damn thing, but please do .

Oh and its in classic form : intro para, 3 bodys, closing para
Another note: I know theres indents, but when I posted it they didnt appear for some reason (?)










Jimmy is like a hungry dog. Nothing matters to him except for his girlfriend, Leslie, and his best friend, Simon. In Bunker 10 by J.A. Henderson, Jimmy shows his love for Leslie when he gambles a death penalty while trying to escape Pinewood, the army base Jimmy and Leslie live on. He did this to go on a date with her. In return Leslie goes back to Pinewood via a time machine in the attempt to save Jimmy from his fated death. Another military orphan, Simon, is a great friend of Jimmy and Leslie, and he has lived with them in Pinewood for six years. When the military base that Jimmy, Leslie, and Simon live on is about to self destruct, Simon faces the choice of going back to save Jimmy or saving his own life. Love drives people to risk everything for their loved ones.


Leslie did everything she could to save her first love Jimmy. When their childhood home, a military base called Pinewood, self-destructs, only Leslie and Simon are able to escape. However, twenty years after this incident, Simon builds a time machine that has the ability to send one person, Leslie, back into time. If Leslie did not save Jimmy before the base explodes, they would both die. “Simon grabbed her arm. A steely tone entered his voice, ‘Are you sure? You don’t have to do this, Leslie’. She locked eyes with him and Simon nodded, ‘Alright then.’” (188). This reveals the huge risk Leslie took when she jumps back in time. She has already endured the pain of losing Jimmy once, and when she finds out that there is still a chance to save him, she takes it at all costs. As Leslie said, “‘I wasn’t going to lose my first love without putting up a hell of a fight’” (236). Although she knows she could easily die in her attempt, Leslie throws her whole life at stake trying to rescue Jimmy.


Jimmy takes a big chance in the planning and the execution of his escape route. When he finds a way to escape off of Pinewood, he decides to first use it to go out on a date with Leslie. Leslie had been suffering from depression and Jimmy knew that was what she wanted. “‘We need to know whether this escape route will work Simon. If I’m caught, at least I’ll know that you guys are still alive’” (86). This shows what Jimmy does for Leslie. If he gets caught, he will be shot on the spot. Despite the possibility of harsh punishment, love still drives Jimmy through the fear of failure. The powerful force of Jimmy’s devotion to Leslie convinces him to use his plan of escape for her.


Love is the force that makes people do anything for it. Simon puts his own life into jeopardy as love leads him to save his friend. He has gotten outside of Pinewood with Leslie. They are both waiting on Jimmy, who had went back to the base to fetch their supplies. However, Simon quickly realizes that Jimmy may be in trouble when he does not come back long past the time they agreed on. “He looked towards the woods and the fence and the freedom. Jimmy was the only reason he had this choice. Simon stood and turned back. There was no way he could leave Jimmy behind” (165). Simon’s actions demonstrate his love for his friend Jimmy. They had lived on the same base together, pulling pranks and playing games for over six years. However, Simon’s act also had a horrible consequence. Despite the fact that Simon survives the self-destruction of Pinewood, his entire lower body is destroyed. When Simon is presented with the options of leaving the base with Leslie or going back to save Jimmy, he chooses his friend over himself.



Leslie risks everything for Jimmy. This shows the powerful force of love that makes her even risk her own life despite the fact that she knew it was nearly impossible to save Jimmy. Likewise, Jimmy would risk his own life for Leslie’s happiness. Finally, Simon displays the way love affects him when he selflessly chooses Jimmy over himself. Just like a hungry dog would do anything for food, we would do anything for our loved ones.

 

I'm not going to go through and correct all of your mistakes, but I will give you this advice:

In your introduction, connect your thesis to what you are saying. Don't state it as your last sentence and have it separate from the rest of the paragraph. It's bad style.

Also, much of your essay repeats itself - you might want to try rephrasing or removing some parts in favor of others.

Thirdly, when using quotations, try to integrate them into a sentence and not to have to make a whole new sentence just to explain the quote. If you are using the quote correctly, you should not have to explain why you are using it.

Finally, your conclusion seems a little very weak (but this may be due to the nature of the rest of the essay). You should mention the arguments from your body paragraphs and recap a little. Then rephrase your thesis and show how these arguments support your thesis.


I don't mean to sound condescending when I say it, but what grade are you in?

 

11th grade CPA English

 

Was this supposed to be like an analysis essay? Or like an overall summary

 

Are you supposed to be retelling the story or giving an analytical response? Yours is the former. I'd help but without having read the book it's a little redundant.

You need to have a few main arguments and reinforce your point of view with quotes and techniques rather then retelling the story if it's a proper essay.

 

Mod close this, already finished.