Mum and dad hate eachother..

[Mr.cettz]

My Mum loves my sister and I and would do anything do us but she doesn't earn enough money to break up with my c*** of a father.. He verbally abuses us, controls us all the time and is ALWAYS angry, he abuses my Mum all the time just for going to work, it's like he is paranoid. My mum has no were near enough money for my school fees and the up keep for the house and she wants to give my sister and I the best life she can give us, I don't know what to do anymore.. Seeing my Mum cry all the time and my sister go out every single night so she doesn't have to see my father makes me want to have a mental breakdown. He has been doing this since I was 12, he controls my sister even worse and tells her "it's your fault Mum hates me" and tries to give her the guilt trip. I don't know what to do I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, I hate coming home because my household is a complete f*** up. What should I do?..

 

[Swan]

Is it anything you can call child services for?

I'm not sure where you live or what government services are available for you. Your sister and you could start part time jobs to help your mother with money, but then I also am not terribly sure of your situation so I don't know if that would help.

Try speaking to a counselor. There is often free online counseling available, phone counseling, and so on. They're trained to talk people through their problems, so I'm sure you'd be able to find some help there.

 

[Mr.cettz]

Is it anything you can call child services for?

I'm not sure where you live or what government services are available for you. Your sister and you could start part time jobs to help your mother with money, but then I also am not terribly sure of your situation so I don't know if that would help.

Try speaking to a counselor. There is often free online counseling available, phone counseling, and so on. They're trained to talk people through their problems, so I'm sure you'd be able to find some help there.

There is nothing I can call them for, he is just really controlling. I stay in my room all day because that's the safest place I feel... I live in Australia aswell. My sister and I already had that idea of having part time jobs and my mother said "no no if you earn that money it's yours" so she won't let us help her..

 

[Host]

How old are you, mate?
If you are old enough I guess you could find some way to get some money together to help yourselves out - pretty much what Swan says.

 

I'd recommend the support section for things like this Buddy
http://www.sythe.org/personal-support/

There's not really much you can do really. Once you get the authorities involved they'll be checking up on you for the rest of your time at home and just complicate things. Is there family (grandparents etc) your mum and you guys can move in with until your mum finds another or better job to provide on her own?

 

[EarlWolf]

Take out student loans and get a job. Also, there should be housing options for low income families if your parents decide to divorse. Otherwise, bring the situation to awareness within relatives and see if anyone is willing to help.

 

[Saint Grimm]

I had a step-dad like this for a few years, except he also physically abused me. Called me a faggot all the time and sure as hell wasn't afraid to beat me around. I solved the problem by hitting back and busting his nose and mouth open. He left and never came back.

You have to look at it from another point of view. With divorce your mom could get child support. Depending on the differance between how much your mom and dad makes, he could end up paying her ALOT of money every month. It could be different where you live, I live in the USA, but here say your dad makes 2x as much as your mom. She gets a child support order and at once he would be paying child support on 2 children He could end up paying your mom as much as she makes each month. However this is also determined by your dads living needs, how much he pays for healthcare/insurance/housing/etc. So unless he has a really cheap house and no healthcare then he most likely WILL NOT be paying the same that your mom makes a month.

And as EarlWolf said, again I'm going by where I live, in your country it could be waaay different. But there is welfare options, where the government helps low income familys pay for their housing and bills, as well as food-stamps where the government gives you a determined amount of cash on a card (like a debit/credit card) that you can only spend on food items. Where I live, 1 person getting food stamps being paid minimum wage ($7.45/hour) gets $200.00 a month on their EBT card (food stamp card).

Theres also ways this could all be worked out. If they were ever truely in love, part of that love will still exist inside of them and a marriage counselor or even just sitting down and talking for an hour or 2 every night and working on their problems in a civilized manor could help ALOT. I would suggest you personally talk to each of them separately and if they both agree to sit down and talk you should lay out rules for both of them, such as no yelling, no fighting, just being civilized and working together towards a common goal of removing the problem.

I personally believe divorce should be a last ditch effort after every possible way of trying to solve the problem fails. That of course is just me though. Also try to understand where your dad is coming from in the controlling area. I don't fully understand the problem as you didn't explain how hes controlling towards you and your sister so I just have to assume he's possibly forcing you to not hangout with friends, or forcing you to stay at home, maybe forcing you to not hangout with certain people. This is possibly just due to him loving you and worrying about your safety and falling in with a bad crowd.

This could also be purely stress related. He may have something in his life causing him GREAT stress and he could be taking it out on his family. Maybe something to do with work is stressing him out. I understand how hard it can be to talk to a parent and try to solve problems with them, but maning up and talking to them and letting them in and just trying to be their friend can actually help more than one would think, again, I know this kind of thing can be EXTREMELY hard to do, especially seeing how you feel towards your father it could be EXTREMELY uncomfortable for you to open up to him as well as the other way around. These kinds of things need to be worked on over a lengthy period of time very slowly and carefully.

I personally have only seen my father once since I was 3 years old, and that was 6 years ago. My mother hasn't told me that she loves me in a little over 7 years. I know that she does, but it just bothers me sometimes when she just says "bye" after I say "bye, I love you." I can understand fucked up family relationships. I have a 3 year old daughter whose mother has only let me see twice since she was born, and of course the fatherlessness and no direct show of love from my mother. I was always a "violent" and "bad" kid and my mom blames herself for alot of my actions. The first time I got locked up she started smoking meth due to the stress it caused her (she only did it a couple times and hasnt touched any drug since). I started working on our relationship about 2 years ago and we barely ever fight anymore. She shows me plenty of love now, but still doesnt say that she loves me. Like I said, working family matters out takes a LONG fuckin time bud and you just have to be persistent and give it your all to make things better.

I hope this can help you in some way.

 

[joetoots]

I had this then one day I snapped and beat his ass to a pulp

 

[Elena]

Well, depends on your age I would recommend going and getting a job anyways, If my parents were still alive it's what I would do. Honestly I would then save the money and put yourselves in a situation where you are able to help your mom in getting away from your father. Just remember Violence is not the answer. Violence on top of Violence will only lead to worst Violence. Or as stated you could go for professional help depending on what is offered. Verbal abuse is still abuse and if he is hitting your mom like stated before that is enough to get him taken off to jail.

 

[Zezecha]

I don't fully understand the problem as you didn't explain how hes controlling towards you and your sister so I just have to assume he's possibly forcing you to not hangout with friends, or forcing you to stay at home, maybe forcing you to not hangout with certain people. This is possibly just due to him loving you and worrying about your safety and falling in with a bad crowd.

For me, I stay in my room most of the day & my sister goes out of the house purely because we don't like our dad and we don't want to see him, so that's probably what he was implying.

 

[Cruellex]

I would contact other family members and ask them for help/assistance or get a part time job to help out at home.

 

[FloydZeppelin]

I hate to tell you dude, you're definitely not the only one who has felt this way, but there's always so much you can do/be able to do.

You've pretty much explained my dad except he was an alcoholic for most of my childhood and so the fighting was always definitely louder and more physical than not. Can't tell you how many times we've had to have the cops over, and even to this very day he's still unhappy with his life, constantly says he wants a way out, threatens to abandon, etc. And on top of that I have two other suicidal brothers that I've had to deal with for my whole life, one in particular I can't even talk to anymore so we've become estranged, but my other brother is moved out and still has issues but we're definitely cool now (Honestly it's moving away that probably helped him the most).

I remember being your age and younger and always wishing that he would leave but it never actually happened. I remember being probably 6-7, packing stuff up ready to leave when he was in jail one night and then we were back a day later.

I also remember being a younger teen and usually ending up fighting back, in the end it solves nothing, just makes you slightly accomplished for a minute or two because you've been waiting to do that for yeaaarrrrsss.

Now to this day all that we have is a bunch of bad memories (always a few moments of good, though), i'm pretty much estranged from my dad (as is everyone else unfortunately) and of course my brother, and sometimes I wish everything could have been different, but it's just the way the cards fall into play. He has been doing better, and to the best of my knowledge has quit drinking and all that stuff and definitely isn't as violent, but it took until I was 18 years old for that to happen dude, it just doesn't seem fair does it? A whole life time of shit if you ask me. And not even that though, but just because he quit drinking doesn't mean that he's not still verbally abusive a lot to my mom, and even when I still see it I have to be on edge because I know how quickly things can go sour.

Doesn't mean I hate him for it, but just like you instead of a father, I had a dad. I walked alone, I wasn't taught anything from him, we didn't go to ball games, didn't have father-son time, it just didn't happen.

I'll always be grateful because of the financial part. I mean we've always ate canned foods and had water from the tap but I can be appreciative now for what I had because I'm older and see from a little bit of a different perspective, but I'll never forget all those images that have burned into my mind, and I promise you I'm not going to be treating my children that way.

Tl;dr - My best advice for you is to stay strong and stick with your mother. Don't be afraid to stand up for what's right, even if it's you that gets knocked down to size. Never ever abandon your family just because one bad egg.

 

[Mr.cettz]

Thankyou for all the advice guys, I will take all this into account

I think my dad is depressed and very stressed because before he moved to Australia he found he Dad dead at his house in Italy, he has never been to a professional to talk about it and he doesn't want to go because he thinks his fine but clearly not, my Auntie was with my Dad at the time they found their father and my Mum says they are the only two that are control freaks, do you think this plays a major part in how they talk/act?

 

[Annex]

It all depends on the person, I had the unfortunate pleasure of finding my closest friend (at the time) hanging dead in her closet and it never turned me into a control freak.

He clearly has unresolved issues that hes taking out on you three. Has anyone openly just told him that hes hurting all three of you? That might be a place to start, just make sure hes not raging when you do so. If hes not physically violent then there is no need to become physically violent with him as you will only hurt yourself, however if he is (meaning actual beatings) then you should stand up for yourself and call the police.

Lastly the unfortunate reality of this all is that your mother ultimately dug herself into the hole she is in because she decided to be reliant on someone else to live. Learn from her mistake (and your sister too) and maintain the ability to support yourself if need be when you get older because there is nothing worse than having to rely on someone else especially if they are crazy to make a living.

 

[Mr.cettz]

It all depends on the person, I had the unfortunate pleasure of finding my closest friend (at the time) hanging dead in her closet and it never turned me into a control freak.

He clearly has unresolved issues that hes taking out on you three. Has anyone openly just told him that hes hurting all three of you? That might be a place to start, just make sure hes not raging when you do so. If hes not physically violent then there is no need to become physically violent with him as you will only hurt yourself, however if he is (meaning actual beatings) then you should stand up for yourself and call the police.

Lastly the unfortunate reality of this all is that your mother ultimately dug herself into the hole she is in because she decided to be reliant on someone else to live. Learn from her mistake (and your sister too) and maintain the ability to support yourself if need be when you get older because there is nothing worse than having to rely on someone else especially if they are crazy to make a living.

My mother and I have told my father several times that the damage he has done to us mentally will scar us for the rest of our life and his response is "no it won't" or " I never verbally abuse you". Whenever we stop fighting, the next day my Mum tells my Dad what he has done and he acts dumb and plays the " I didn't do that" card, the ONLY time he has said sorry to my family is when my mum threaten to leave him when I was around 6, I havn't heard a sorry since then..

 

[Annex]

Well if that's the case then I would simply work as early as possible or go out a lot so you aren't at home. Working is good too because you can save money so you can afford to live on your own earlier.

 

[Lord LaLa]

From everything i have read, your father needs some serious help. Reading what you have put, makes me lean towards your father having some undiagnosed mental condition whether it is just extreme depression, bi-polar disorder, or paranoid schizophrenia. Your father really needs to go to the doctors and get some professional advice.

I do feel that what your father saw has effected him a lot, as personally i have seen some extremely mucked up stuff in my life, and all i will say is it haunts me every time i close my eyes. It hasn't made me abusive, but i have had to have counseling as well as being placed on anti-depressants.

When your father is in a more placid mood, sit him down and talk to him man to man and tell him how this is making your family feel, and tell him you know he says he has nothing wrong with him, but let him know that if he truly loves you all and doesn't want to push you away so much he would loose all of you, then he has to see a doctor and let the doctor decide if he has anything wrong or not.

If you need more help, drop me a pm.

 

[Mr.cettz]

Just a quick update for all of you that would like to know, I sat my father down to talk to him about what he has done to my family mentally and denied everything that I said to him, he was calling me a liar and he never remembers doing that stuff. I have tried nearly everyone's advice but nothing is working, I don't know what to do now..

 

Is it still happening? If it is you might need to take it further.

 

[Mr.cettz]

Is it still happening? If it is you might need to take it further.

It's been happening for over 13 years now, he just verbally abuses us... My sister is moving to another state because of him