Girlfriend problems..

[kill dank]

Okay so me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years and 4 months. When we met, she wasn't in a very good position. She was going out partying and drinking every night, popping pills all the time, and smoking like a train. She had a large group of friends that she could always do those things with and that were constantly influencing her into making bad choices.

Over the course of a year or so, I totally moved her away from all the partying, drinking and drugs. She stopped hanging out with the people that didn't want anything to do with her other than to have someone to party and fuck around with. She stopped hanging out with the guys that kept trying to get with her and she stopped doing stupid shit. She grew up a lot. She didn't drink or smoke for a while and hasn't done any drugs in a long time.. I couldn't be more proud of her for abandoning that terrible lifestyle. Everything was better. She now has a better relationship with her family, she's doing better in school, and the biggest thing is she's not doing drugs.

So Facebook is a big part of a college student's routine, I suppose. I have my girlfriend added and some of her friends as well. I am starting to notice more and more that she is trying to contact and get together with the people that were influencing her negatively in the past. She's randomly posting things on their wall and pictures, even though they never even try to talk to her. She's basically going out of her way to get involved with these people again. My guess is because it's summer and school will be out soon.

Now, I'm not the kind of boyfriend that will say "hey, you CAN'T hang around those people anymore." I tell her I don't like her hanging around those people because they're a bad influence, but that only causes an argument. I've known her long enough to know that she starts to act different when she's talking to these people. She starts wanting to drink more and basically do what she calls "Normal college stuff" which involves sleeping over places, drinking till the early morning with people you don't even know, and generally not having good judgement or common sense when it comes to drugs. It also stresses out our relationship because she knows I don't approve of that sort of thing, but seems to not care and try to do it anyway.

How can I get her to see that these people are not the kind of people that she should be hanging out with? I want her to see that she doesn't need to fuck around and get drunk every day to have a good time. I don't want to take the route of directly attacking her friends by mentioning things like how often they get in trouble with the police or naming all the bad things that have happened. I want her to be able to see it for herself.

How can I get her to see that these people don't care about her without making her feel like I am being controlling?
How can I get my girlfriend to enjoy the time we spend together more than the time she spends with her friends?

I feel like shit's going downhill in my relationship. I love her and want to try and make this last but I feel like she's drifting away. What are some ways to get that "spark" back into a relationship? How can I help renew her interest in me?

sorry it's so much, I just have a lot on my mind and I'm pretty stressed. =\

 

[malakadang]

I would suggest going out to the party with her, and having a good time with her. If she wants to drink, let her drink. If she wants to smoke, subtly tell her not to. If she wants to take drugs, tell her not to.

Basically people, especially women want what they can't get. I'll give an example.

When your fishing, and you feel the fish nibbling at your bait, you don't always just tug and hope the hook was near the fishes mouth, you should let the fish run with the bait, then pull. You need to give her some leeway, and let her run with it.
You may think that just because you've said you disapprove but don't forbid is enough leeway, it's not. Don't say you disapprove as such, you need to be subtle about it. Also just go out to the party with her and see what its like.

The answer to your 2 questions however:

She has to see it for herself, 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink'.
This is a harder to answer question, but all girls have interests other than partying or their core interest. These interests are generally ones that they want to do, but never really do it. Eg. Rock Climbing, Fishing, Horse Riding, whatever it is.

Good Luck, but your best bet is to go along to the party with her.

 

[GokuDude]

Seems like the tale of the grass being greener on the other side, my guess? She prefers the life she has right now, but forgot about the life she had before. She goes on facebook and looks at some pictures of her ex-friends getting drunk and having a blast and she misses it. Maybe you should let her go out and get sick of it again, until she's sick of it for the rest of her life, but it could always backfire and take a little longer than expected :S Then.. well.. then you gotta wait a long ass time before she grows up again. If shes a retarded drunk, like one that is FUCKED, you should record her and show it to her when shes sober, then she'll be too embarrassed to get drunk again.

 

[slickkz]

like they have stated, You can only hope that she will see this, Let her go to a party, and hopefully she will realize its not worth it, If she gets in trouble, sometimes its the only way people can come to thier senses. goodluck

 

[gorago]

Do not let your girlfriend drink , Teach her on how to be a clever girl. Trust me. When he umderstands your rules , after à while she Will take it easy when it comes to partying/drinking, and do not fall for the puppy eyes, in that case she Will start controlling you

 

[kill dank]

Thanks for the good advice. I'm not a very outgoing person, so I don't do well at parties with her friends (people I don't know.) What are some ways I can feel comfortable around people I haven't partied or chilled with before but not make my GF feel like she's hanging out with the guy that sits in the chair by the punch bowl? figuratively speaking of course.

I can't let her just start fucking around with them on her own because I can't trust her friends to not try and do shit, whether it be doing drugs or the guys trying to get with her. She can't make good judgements when she drinks and may cheat on me if the opportunity arises and she's had a few drinks.. I say because it's happened before. I want her to have a good time with me around too, not feel like she needs a break from me to see her friends.

again thanks for all the help

 

[Grrr]

Thanks for the good advice. I'm not a very outgoing person, so I don't do well at parties with her friends (people I don't know.) What are some ways I can feel comfortable around people I haven't partied or chilled with before but not make my GF feel like she's hanging out with the guy that sits in the chair by the punch bowl? figuratively speaking of course.

I can't let her just start fucking around with them on her own because I can't trust her friends to not try and do shit, whether it be doing drugs or the guys trying to get with her. She can't make good judgements when she drinks and may cheat on me if the opportunity arises and she's had a few drinks.. I say because it's happened before. I want her to have a good time with me around too, not feel like she needs a break from me to see her friends.

again thanks for all the help

Just be confident, be yourself and make small talk with people which normally leads to other conversations.. it's a lot easier if you've had a bit to drink. Just have a good time with her, get her to introduce you to people.. who knows you might actually have a good time. The worst thing you can probably do is go in the mindset that you wont have fun etc just be opened and relax.

 

[tiger9110]

I sense the frustration you are having trying to get through to her, as you only want to help her because you care about her though she doesn't seem to know/care.

However, if she keeps going down this path I can tell you now things will not turn out good at all relationship wise because from all that drinking and drug abuse will cause her to make stupid decisions like possibly sleeping with another man.

I know it sounds hard because you love her, but if she refuses to listen, there really much you can do to stop her. Try to tell her what you have told us here and that all you want is the best for her, but she is going to have to make the decision between you or her crazy and dangerous party habits. If she doesn't care about the pain she is causing you when she does those things, I can honestly say you deserve better.

 

[zafire]

as her boyfriend i see where ur coming from with this sooo lets hit up ur questions...

How can I get her to see that these people are not the kind of people that she should be hanging out with? I want her to see that she doesn't need to fuck around and get drunk every day to have a good time. I don't want to take the route of directly attacking her friends by mentioning things like how often they get in trouble with the police or naming all the bad things that have happened. I want her to be able to see it for herself.

These people once played a role in her life and although she doesn't do the things she did back then she still sees them as friends and wants to hang out with them that doesn't necessarily mean she will go back to the drugs, although myself see the drinking as a possible problem I do see where ur coming from with this.

How can I get her to see that these people don't care about her without making her feel like I am being controlling?

She will have to learn this the hard way sadly, I don't know how else to explain it to you because if you some how go behind her back or get them to say these things and she is there (but they don't know) she will just get upset with you and that will just make it all spiral downhill rapidly, Give her time, Love is a huge thing, trust is the key to love, trust her and do what you think is right in general about this, try to think of ways to not be controlling of this situation, like asking if u can go with her, and when u do, don't be there giving her bad looks and stuff for everything, play a very defensive roll but very very loose about it like just follow ish, and play ur role as a good boyfriend, heck u might make friends with some of these bad influences a bit and kinda make it so u have more trust when she is hanging out with them that she won't do this.

How can I get my girlfriend to enjoy the time we spend together more than the time she spends with her friends?

Well there is 2 ways i can answer this, do more stuff together. By that i don't mean always acting that you gotta go somewhere to do stuff, just hang out , but in doing so u have to give her space because u don't wanna smoother her, and do the random cute things like if she is in the dorms of the college u go to or w/e randomly go to her room with flowers just saying hey i wanted to see u or something cute like that but like stated above DO NOT smoother her, also ask her if u can come and join her just tell her u wanna just have fun also and etc. like i stated b4 in the top question

 

[Persia_Ugly]

Unfortunately insecurities tend to push girls away even if they themselves have caused them, which is unfair yes. It would work the other way had you cheated, trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. Your best bet is to talk things over with her when she is willing to talk and to not force talk about it in other situations, like when you two are getting along. I guess it's frustrating and you get impatient and want to deal with it right away but further pressing a bruise over and over doesn't help it heal. Rather changing the dressing on the wound once in awhile with proper care is what's needed. That's regarding the past.

Now presently she has been contacting those old friends, you have to let her weigh in her mind which is more important. You can't force her to love you more than an alcohol filled social life, but let her know you won't sit back and get walked on. She needs to understand the vast amount of love and care you have for her and compare that to her relationships with her friends, ask her if it's worth losing you over. Don't be overly convenient for her in regards to drinking and if you have to be mad for a day or two so be it, take your stand.

Subsequently you both need to work on a relationship together and be both willing participants, get her on the same page through compassion and patience. It sounds like she cares for you just the same or she would be out that door with a bottle in hand in no time flat. You're her rock and don't let her forget that.
A simple walk (or jog) in the morning together would help immensely at this point. Not only is it beneficial to your health physically but mentally and spiritually as well. Together you can talk about anything or nothing at all just let the problems wait, this is your time to just enjoy the walk the company and let your brain flow. 20-30 minutes is all it takes. Don't forget girls like to be wined and dined, a bottle of red and a steak on a night out would rekindle some sparks.
Theres so much more I can say brotha, as I too have found my diamond in the rough. I'll add more if you want later let me know what you think about those suggestions.

 

[kill dank]

Just be confident, be yourself and make small talk with people which normally leads to other conversations.. it's a lot easier if you've had a bit to drink. Just have a good time with her, get her to introduce you to people.. who knows you might actually have a good time. The worst thing you can probably do is go in the mindset that you wont have fun etc just be opened and relax.

I feel ya man. Whenever I drink though I end up saying stupid shit, haa. Last time I Was with her and her friends drinking I kept apologizing and telling everyone i bet they thought I was a freak. I know that's not the best thing to do loll. But I understand what you mean, thanks.

I sense the frustration you are having trying to get through to her, as you only want to help her because you care about her though she doesn't seem to know/care.

That's exactly what it is bro

However, if she keeps going down this path I can tell you now things will not turn out good at all relationship wise because from all that drinking and drug abuse will cause her to make stupid decisions like possibly sleeping with another man.

I understand this, and that is why I would like to keep this from happening. I have mentioned it to her before, but I get the whole "why don't you trust me?" argument..

I know it sounds hard because you love her, but if she refuses to listen, there really much you can do to stop her. Try to tell her what you have told us here and that all you want is the best for her, but she is going to have to make the decision between you or her crazy and dangerous party habits. If she doesn't care about the pain she is causing you when she does those things, I can honestly say you deserve better.

I tell her what I told everyone here on a regular basis. I feel like it get's old. I tell her I love her, I'm interested in her life, I want to be there for her, and I support her. She just doesn't seem to let it affect her. I have been told by everyone that I deserve better, but I WANT her.

These people once played a role in her life and although she doesn't do the things she did back then she still sees them as friends and wants to hang out with them that doesn't necessarily mean she will go back to the drugs, although myself see the drinking as a possible problem I do see where ur coming from with this.

That's what she has said to me. I understand she shared a large part of her life with them before she met me, but before she met me she wasn't in a good place in life either. Her friends made her happy with partying and drugs when she got upset and she feels like she needs that sort of support again. I am all for having supporting friends, but her "friends" don't support her. They get her drunk. I want to try and make new friends. Me and her. People that haven't known us before we got together and are willing to accept how we are now. People we can hang out with together and both be on the same page. ya know?

She will have to learn this the hard way sadly, I don't know how else to explain it to you because if you some how go behind her back or get them to say these things and she is there (but they don't know) she will just get upset with you and that will just make it all spiral downhill rapidly, Give her time, Love is a huge thing, trust is the key to love, trust her and do what you think is right in general about this, try to think of ways to not be controlling of this situation, like asking if u can go with her, and when u do, don't be there giving her bad looks and stuff for everything, play a very defensive roll but very very loose about it like just follow ish, and play ur role as a good boyfriend, heck u might make friends with some of these bad influences a bit and kinda make it so u have more trust when she is hanging out with them that she won't do this.

She has tried to get me to go hang out with some of her friends. All they want to do is drink. None of them know how to just hang out and watch tv or go to the movies or do anything other than get drunk. I have taken on the role of being a very passive and trusting person in order to I guess, socially engineer the situations in my favor. I refuse to go behind her back and make people talk shit. That's childish in my opinion.

Well there is 2 ways i can answer this, do more stuff together. By that i don't mean always acting that you gotta go somewhere to do stuff, just hang out , but in doing so u have to give her space because u don't wanna smoother her, and do the random cute things like if she is in the dorms of the college u go to or w/e randomly go to her room with flowers just saying hey i wanted to see u or something cute like that but like stated above DO NOT smoother her, also ask her if u can come and join her just tell her u wanna just have fun also and etc. like i stated b4 in the top question

We spend time together all the time. I meet up with her thursday or wednesday night and we're together until monday morning. just about every week. I'm totally fine with just chillin. We can sit in an empty room together and I'm happy. but she's not. She always has to be doing something, which is fine with me also, but we can never agree on anything and she never suggests anything. If I say lets go on a bike ride, she'll say it's too cold or hot or something. If I say lets go to a movie, it's well I don't wanna spend money when we can download them and there's nothing really good playing. It's lkike a never ending battle man. If we start to spend time apart, she'll try to fill that time by spending it with other people. The people I'm trying to keep her from to begin with. The people that know I don't like them and have wanted her to leave me since we started dating over 2 years ago. It's realy a crazy crazy situation../

Unfortunately insecurities tend to push girls away even if they themselves have caused them, which is unfair yes. It would work the other way had you cheated, trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. Your best bet is to talk things over with her when she is willing to talk and to not force talk about it in other situations, like when you two are getting along. I guess it's frustrating and you get impatient and want to deal with it right away but further pressing a bruise over and over doesn't help it heal. Rather changing the dressing on the wound once in awhile with proper care is what's needed. That's regarding the past.

Great suggestion and I"m a big fan of not dwelling on the past. I totally forgave her for cheating and I don't even care honestly now that it's over with. I do care about her trying to contact those people again and letting them try and talk to her. I try to keep all the negativities out of our conversation because she just gets in a bad mood. and If I cause her bad mood She's usually gonna think worse of me. For now, I just keep showering her with support, compliments, and encouragement in all areas of her life except this one so she has nothing to complain about.. She has a room mate that is teh exact opposite of her and lover her boyfriend to death but he doesn't want anything to do with her. it's weird how she can't see that. She can't see anything from other people's point of view. never could.

Now presently she has been contacting those old friends, you have to let her weigh in her mind which is more important. You can't force her to love you more than an alcohol filled social life, but let her know you won't sit back and get walked on. She needs to understand the vast amount of love and care you have for her and compare that to her relationships with her friends, ask her if it's worth losing you over. Don't be overly convenient for her in regards to drinking and if you have to be mad for a day or two so be it, take your stand.

That is where I'm at. I want her to see that I am more important than her alcohol-filled social life. See that I'm there for her 100%. I don't ask her questions like "is it worth losing me over?" or saying things like "them or me" because I know she'd have a hard time choosing and might be up for a "change" since we've been together for 2 and a half years. I don't want her to know that I have any negative feelings towards our relationship, then she may start to doubt it more than she does.

Subsequently you both need to work on a relationship together and be both willing participants, get her on the same page through compassion and patience. It sounds like she cares for you just the same or she would be out that door with a bottle in hand in no time flat. You're her rock and don't let her forget that.

I know she cares about me enough to consider what I say, but I honestly don't think she's smart enough to see through people's bullshit. She think's guys that she's never met before try to randomly talk to her and get her to hang out just because they want to be friends. yea, right..
As far as being her rock, I understand that. I am the only stable thing in her life right now aside from her mom she never see's and the people at school that consistently fuck around. I am the positive rock in her life. It seems like she's just having a hard decision.

A simple walk (or jog) in the morning together would help immensely at this point. Not only is it beneficial to your health physically but mentally and spiritually as well. Together you can talk about anything or nothing at all just let the problems wait, this is your time to just enjoy the walk the company and let your brain flow. 20-30 minutes is all it takes. Don't forget girls like to be wined and dined, a bottle of red and a steak on a night out would rekindle some sparks.

God man. You can read me like a book on here. We went on a bike ride a couple weeks ago and I can't say I've connected with her like that in a while. I had to look past her complaining the whole time, but she was down to talk about everything that was on her mind. I love when she's like that and I'm always open with her. The problem is getting her to do something like that with me. She's a college student and the only thing that seems to entertain her is drinking, partying, and spending money.

And I'll take you advice on that wine and dine thing. It's been a while since we've had a good "date." it seems like people just forget to do those things when they're together for so long.

Theres so much more I can say brotha, as I too have found my diamond in the rough. I'll add more if you want later let me know what you think about those suggestions.

Man, you did a great job, as did everyone else. I am really interested in you're "story" as you seem to know a lot about what I'm going through. Diamond in the rough? perfect way to describe her.


How can I get her to be excited and ready to do things together? Like go on a bike ride or just walk around the park. She doesn't express any interest in those things.. How can i get her to be happy just spending idle time together? How can I make her look forward to seeing me? thanks for the help guys./. long post I knoww.

 

[Tckr]

For her to want to do things with you she has to like the person shes doing them with and the activity, have you let here pick the activity?

 

[zafire]

She has tried to get me to go hang out with some of her friends. All they want to do is drink. None of them know how to just hang out and watch tv or go to the movies or do anything other than get drunk. I have taken on the role of being a very passive and trusting person in order to I guess, socially engineer the situations in my favor. I refuse to go behind her back and make people talk shit. That's childish in my opinion.

actually i am not saying that u need to get them to talk shit i am saying if they are talking shit show her that i am not trying to make u sound sneak and shit with that i am just saying find a way to show her what you see, and with you saying that all they know is how to drink and that is it... i don't know what to say to that i feel bad that ur stuck in this predicament >.>

 

[fudgemsmaster]

man the way you put it id be self concious i can relate to you so much you have no idea but i drew a line and i made her choose between her friends and me but then again i cant hang out with my friends that are basicly the same way her friends are its a win win situation.. sort of

 

[kill dank]

For her to want to do things with you she has to like the person shes doing them with and the activity, have you let here pick the activity?

Yes, I always let her pick what we do but she never comes up with anything. She just says "I don't know" or "I'm tired" or something like that. She usually wants to just sit and watch tv but then whenever we're not doing that she complains that we never do anything. it's weird..

actually i am not saying that u need to get them to talk shit i am saying if they are talking shit show her that i am not trying to make u sound sneak and shit with that i am just saying find a way to show her what you see, and with you saying that all they know is how to drink and that is it... i don't know what to say to that i feel bad that ur stuck in this predicament >.>

I don't know her friends enough to hear them talking shit or know what they even talk about. Whenever I'm around all they talk about is trying to arrange a time and place that a bunch of people can get together and drink. That's where I get the idea that all they know how to do is drink..

man the way you put it id be self concious i can relate to you so much you have no idea but i drew a line and i made her choose between her friends and me but then again i cant hang out with my friends that are basicly the same way her friends are its a win win situation.. sort of

I am very self concious. I'm afraid of what her friends think of me because I know if they don't like me they are the kind of people that would pressure her to break up with me. Even though some of the friends I'm talking about have known her less time than I have. I have drawn the line numerous times but she's never happy with it. She has always picked me before but I'm afraid if I give her ultimatums she'll just pick to leave me since that would seem more fun to her

 

[Henryâ„¢]

Just let her do her thing, it may suck having to see her go out and do things you don't like but don't hold her back from doing what she wants to do. If she starts treating you badly or shit gets out of hand, have a talk with her.

 

[roybht]

You cant wife a hoe! Noooo

 

[kill dank]

Just let her do her thing, it may suck having to see her go out and do things you don't like but don't hold her back from doing what she wants to do. If she starts treating you badly or shit gets out of hand, have a talk with her.

Well she doesn't exactly treat me right, but I treat her like a goddess. I don't really know how to draw the line between out of hand and when I should hold my tongue.

You cant wife a hoe! Noooo

Go fuck yourself on someone else's thread.

 

[malakadang]

Well she doesn't exactly treat me right, but I treat her like a goddess. I don't really know how to draw the line between out of hand and when I should hold my tongue.
I think thats the main part of your problem.

Try not treating her like a goddess, generally that works, as if you give a girl everything she wants, she'll get bored of you and want something she cannot get.

 

[kill dank]

That makes sense. I'll give it a try. I don't expect immediate results though. And there's also the chance things could completely backfire and I end up getting the whole "Things aren't how they used to be" kinda deal..