- Joined
- Nov 15, 2010
- Sythe Gold
- 1,682
- Messages
- 5,837
Hey Sythe, so a thread in the general discussion section got me to thinking, and maybe someone who suffers similar problems can help me out with this issue that has manifested itself within my personality this past year, I really noticed it taking a toll on me back in October. This is going to be a little lengthy.
I should preface this post by saying in the past I have dealt with mild to moderate bouts of manic depression. It mainly manifests itself from a worry for the future, that I will end up a 'failure' to society, not be able to pull my own weight, etc. But until recently, it never really manifested itself into the form of anxiety. Confidence was one trait I always displayed to my peers, and while many still reference my confidence in social circles and the workplace, I feel it waning significantly. My dad is a highly qualified engineer which adds a lot of pressure and strain to my own striving toward success in the same field (broadly, he does chemical engineering I switched to aerospace engineering, but that's not really relevant to the topic at hand).
Anyway, a really bad character flaw of mine that has recently developed is being incredibly agitated by small, every day problems. The oddity behind this is that it has to be something very specific to 'trigger' me. Not all problems are created equally, and oddly enough, I somehow deal with bigger problems and am able to tune them out more than I can smaller problems.
For example as some have seen me post in the technology section, I recently dealt with over 500 disconnections on my internet which was severely hampering my ability to conduct conference calls for my new job. Somehow, my patience level rarely wore thin with this issue and I was mostly able to shrug it off. However, a small problem such as my computer not working the way it should or a problem at work being riddled by my mistakes, I get legitimately agitated, anxious, and fixate on it for days if not MONTHS. Where did this sudden self-critical behavior come from? This does not seem like a normal trait for me.
Essentially, if I can not properly troubleshoot a problem, regardless of the application or actual problem I am trying to solve, I get worked up to the point of not being able to think straight. All I think about is the problem or problems. I literally sometimes resort to taking a nap just to shut my brain off from thinking about the problem. This mental reset of sorts helps, but after a few hours of being awake again, I'm back to thinking about the problem, obsessing over it. The worst part? These problems rarely impact anything. Like just one example I can give I remember not being able to get Steam to work properly. The errors bothered me for weeks. Talking to customer support exacerbated my agitation. That agitation has since subsided, but you can see how stupid it is to get upset at something so trivial.
Unfortunately, it seems like it's getting worse as the months go on. More and more of these "small problems" rack my brain, mocking me that I cannot "fix" them. Now I should be brutally honest in this post so that you get the full picture - I recently got out of a pretty emotionally abusive friendship/relationship. I severed ties with this person almost 2 full years ago (May 2015). I really believe that the after-effects of this friendship have manifested itself into mild to moderate paranoia, a somewhat easy ability to be agitated or upset, and an increased annoyance level with small nuanced problems - the annoyance only dissipating if I fully and undoubtedly rectify the issue at hand. If not rectified, it takes long periods of time passing to no longer be annoyed by the problem. Which is really annoying, because my brain tells me that despite previous problems of the past no longer bothering me, it "tricks" me into believing that I'll NEVER get over the problem unless I fix it.
Ultimately, I guess what I'm asking here is if there's anyone here that is even remotely similar to this, how do you deal with it? Or how should I deal with it? How do you let small problems roll off of your back? What do you do if there's a problem that you cannot fix? That is beyond your control to fix? Or that refuses to fix itself no matter what you do to try to fix it?
I come from a family that is bitterly disappointed by failure. My dad once got mad at me getting a B-....in Middle School.. where the grades don't even actually count. But I never really gave a damn back then, so why do I now? I always said "If I ever become a millionaire, my dad will complain I didn't get there fast enough" - partially a joke but there's a tinge of truth to it as well.
In conclusion, the family pressure doesn't really bother me. My manic depression is nowhere near as bad as it was in 2015. But now that seems to have replaced itself with something I've never had in my life until now: Self-doubt. Doubt that I can solve a problem. Doubt that I deserve to solve the problem. Doubt that I'll ever get over said problem bothering me to the point where I actually sleep to avoid thinking about it. Why is this happening? How can I fix it?
I should preface this post by saying in the past I have dealt with mild to moderate bouts of manic depression. It mainly manifests itself from a worry for the future, that I will end up a 'failure' to society, not be able to pull my own weight, etc. But until recently, it never really manifested itself into the form of anxiety. Confidence was one trait I always displayed to my peers, and while many still reference my confidence in social circles and the workplace, I feel it waning significantly. My dad is a highly qualified engineer which adds a lot of pressure and strain to my own striving toward success in the same field (broadly, he does chemical engineering I switched to aerospace engineering, but that's not really relevant to the topic at hand).
Anyway, a really bad character flaw of mine that has recently developed is being incredibly agitated by small, every day problems. The oddity behind this is that it has to be something very specific to 'trigger' me. Not all problems are created equally, and oddly enough, I somehow deal with bigger problems and am able to tune them out more than I can smaller problems.
For example as some have seen me post in the technology section, I recently dealt with over 500 disconnections on my internet which was severely hampering my ability to conduct conference calls for my new job. Somehow, my patience level rarely wore thin with this issue and I was mostly able to shrug it off. However, a small problem such as my computer not working the way it should or a problem at work being riddled by my mistakes, I get legitimately agitated, anxious, and fixate on it for days if not MONTHS. Where did this sudden self-critical behavior come from? This does not seem like a normal trait for me.
Essentially, if I can not properly troubleshoot a problem, regardless of the application or actual problem I am trying to solve, I get worked up to the point of not being able to think straight. All I think about is the problem or problems. I literally sometimes resort to taking a nap just to shut my brain off from thinking about the problem. This mental reset of sorts helps, but after a few hours of being awake again, I'm back to thinking about the problem, obsessing over it. The worst part? These problems rarely impact anything. Like just one example I can give I remember not being able to get Steam to work properly. The errors bothered me for weeks. Talking to customer support exacerbated my agitation. That agitation has since subsided, but you can see how stupid it is to get upset at something so trivial.
Unfortunately, it seems like it's getting worse as the months go on. More and more of these "small problems" rack my brain, mocking me that I cannot "fix" them. Now I should be brutally honest in this post so that you get the full picture - I recently got out of a pretty emotionally abusive friendship/relationship. I severed ties with this person almost 2 full years ago (May 2015). I really believe that the after-effects of this friendship have manifested itself into mild to moderate paranoia, a somewhat easy ability to be agitated or upset, and an increased annoyance level with small nuanced problems - the annoyance only dissipating if I fully and undoubtedly rectify the issue at hand. If not rectified, it takes long periods of time passing to no longer be annoyed by the problem. Which is really annoying, because my brain tells me that despite previous problems of the past no longer bothering me, it "tricks" me into believing that I'll NEVER get over the problem unless I fix it.
Ultimately, I guess what I'm asking here is if there's anyone here that is even remotely similar to this, how do you deal with it? Or how should I deal with it? How do you let small problems roll off of your back? What do you do if there's a problem that you cannot fix? That is beyond your control to fix? Or that refuses to fix itself no matter what you do to try to fix it?
I come from a family that is bitterly disappointed by failure. My dad once got mad at me getting a B-....in Middle School.. where the grades don't even actually count. But I never really gave a damn back then, so why do I now? I always said "If I ever become a millionaire, my dad will complain I didn't get there fast enough" - partially a joke but there's a tinge of truth to it as well.
In conclusion, the family pressure doesn't really bother me. My manic depression is nowhere near as bad as it was in 2015. But now that seems to have replaced itself with something I've never had in my life until now: Self-doubt. Doubt that I can solve a problem. Doubt that I deserve to solve the problem. Doubt that I'll ever get over said problem bothering me to the point where I actually sleep to avoid thinking about it. Why is this happening? How can I fix it?
I think your problem could easily be solved by talking to someone to change your mind set.
Have you thought about family therapy maybe? The root causes of your guy's problems may be from the past and y'all need to talk about it. I don't mean to be judgemental at all but you are mentioning your family for a reason. They are your rock, your structure in life. Care for them and make sure you all are fine. I've never been a firm believer of a therapist/counselour but ever since dealing with these foster kids. I know for a fact it does in fact help. And it's not something you should avoid.
