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Second Try at Rap

Oh Bama

Oh Bama

Apprentice
Joined
Jun 25, 2008
Sythe Gold
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Messages
629
Location
Montreal
Subject Fight

Its my time
Its my day
First high school fight
Whats going through his mind
Whats going through mine
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say
Everything is in slow-motion
Butterflies in my stomach
Tears in my eyes
He raised his fist at me
I didn't know what to do
So I raised my fist and I hit him first
Right in the nose
Blood started dripping
Blood started pooring
I think I broke his nose
I think I one the fight
That was my day
And this is my time

Comments?
 
weak... lol sorry, doesnt even rhyme most of the time
 
I don't see it as a rap looks more like poetry , pretty short, make it longer and with more rhyme/flow.
 
WHAT THE FUCK.... Kidding... You need to work on it more, and put some rhymes in there. Oh and you spelled won wrong.
 
Oh Bama said:
Subject Fight

Its my time
Its my day
First high school fight
Whats going through his mind
Whats going through mine
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say
Everything is in slow-motion
Butterflies in my stomach
Tears in my eyes
He raised his fist at me
I didn't know what to do
So I raised my fist and I hit him first
Right in the nose
Blood started dripping
Blood started pooring
I think I broke his nose
I think I one the fight
That was my day
And this is my time

Comments?
Click to expand...

I think it is pretty good. You should change this

Switch "Its my time" around with "Its my day". I just did freestyle with these lyrics and swapping these around makes it sound better in my opinion.

Edit: Oh, also I find it better ending with the main subject of rap lyrics that you started with. So at the end I find it better with "My first high schooll fight".
 
I think i one the fight? Was that supposed to be some sort of play on words, or did you actually write one instead of won?
 
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