Is there something wrong with me?

I'm not even sure how to explain all the things I've noticed lately...

I guess I'll start it off back when I was 13. I used to cut myself pretty often, almost daily. When I think of it, I think that I enjoyed pain, i was into rough sex, biting, there was even a few times that self-mutilation took place during sex and it made it better for me.

But I say I think, because lately I've thought about it more and I'm wondering if "enjoying it" was an excuse... I've always thought of it as I just enjoyed it, thats why I did it. But just out of the blue, it seemed like I remembered more than I have since it started, that I did it to feel alive because I felt dead, and was depressed most of the time, which I'm starting to think may have led to many other things...

Around the same time I started smoking pot, which became pretty much a daily habit. I'm not talking down about the pot, I still smoke it as often as I can afford it, I fuckin love it. But other drugs got involved, in my memories, I tried them because I was curious and wanted to see what it was like, but now I'm starting to remember it different, that I used them escape everything.

I've done crack, coke, meth, heroine, liquid PCP, morphine, any kind of pain pill you can think of.

I had quit cutting by the time I was 16, but thats when the heavier drug use started. Its like at once I couldnt get better with mutilation, I switched to hard drugs.

I've also always had a problem (i dont consider it a problem) with violence and anger. Im quick to throw a punch or spit in someones face.

I've always been known as bad news to all of my friends' parents and most of my friends had to hangout with me in secret or their parents would go ape shit. My aggressive behavior has gotten me sittin behind bars more than once.

I've always been sort of anti-social. I've only kept max of 2 good friends that I hangout with all the time around me at once. If I had a good friend, we hung out everyday and we got fucked up everyday. Every friend I've really trusted has fucked me over at some point, except just a few who arent around anymore. 1 of them is dead and the rest moved away. I don't go to bars or clubs, I don't randomly walk up to people and start talking to them on the street. I have only hung out with 2 people since my last "good" friend moved away. One being my wife, the other being someone that wanted to get me high twice in the past year. Other than that I have no contact with human life, except on this forum and facebook once and awhile.

3 years ago I started having a reoccurring nightmare that had me wakin up in a sweat and being afraid to sleep. (thats whan I started smoking crack so I wouldnt sleep.) No matter how long I had been awake, or if I was fucked up or sober, it happened every night that I slept. It lasted for an entire year.

About 2 years ago, I met my wife, and not long afterwards I just quit having the nightmare. It sounds crazy, but I was kind of sad that it quit, it had been so long since I had had a full nights sleep that it felt wrong.

I think the reason I'm remembering the reasons I did certain things, but blocked out why for so long, is because I'm starting to feel similar to how I did when I was younger again.

Some days I feel so down that I don't even get out of bed except to use the bathroom. Sometimes I get migraines so bad that all I can do is lay down holding my head in my hands at the verge of tears for anywhere from 1 - 10 minutes.

I've gained ALOT of pride since those days, so I cant quiet figure out why I'm so down. I can still honestly say I'm proud of who I am, what I am and I don't regret anything I've done... I don't even have a reason to be depressed, ever since I met my wife everythings been fuckin great. I know theres others who would kill to have my life, so why am I feeling this way?

Since all of this started, I've gained atleast 20 pounds, yet sometimes I go whole days without food, due to not getting out of bed. I'm almost 21 years old, married and unemployeed. I can't find a job, I've gotten my high school equivalent but still no one will even call me in for an interview. Like I said before, I have a name for myself as bad news, and I'm guessing as soon as someone sees my name on an application they throw it away. I know this is affecting me as I need money coming in. I can't raise up a family living in my mother's basement, but I also can't work if I can't even get the fuck out of bed somedays. I have no clue what to do or what to even think at this point.

 

Guess this post isnt needed at once the above post was removed.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. However, I do think you've got some memories and experiences you think might not be affecting you, but even the slightest things do make a difference in the present time. Don't ever be ashamed of your past. It can be the greatest teacher. I would suggest telling your kids (if you ever have any) about it. Personally I would be in a better spot if my father told me his past addiction(s). I think you'll find a job eventually, you just got to have a motivation and a positive outlook on it. Everyone is having a hard time getting a job, its not just you.

All in all then, things accumulate. I feel bad for stuff that's happened, and I know I don't want to feel bad about it because its who I am, but I feel bad about it sometimes too. Believe me, if you ever think something, someone before you has thought it. There's probably a counselor or someone that can maybe help you? But my response is no. You might have had a rough past, but there is nothing wrong with you. If you need anything else don't hesitate to hit me up or post again here.

 

Thanks for the reply, I cant really afford a counselor but I met someone else that feels alot like I do and it comes and goes randomly and they said they were diagnosed with chronic depression, I dont know what that is, to me it just sounds like an excuse to call it a disease to feel better, but either way, eh.

 

Depression is a treatable condition, with the right medicine of course. I suggest looking into it. My mother had depression, and he personality was noticeably different (in a positive way I must add). There are some mental conditions you can simply ignore, but if you think you have chronic depression, I would suggest getting it checked out.

I'm hypocritical on that- as I've got a partial mental issue, nothing that affects my interaction with people or my personality. Nevertheless, I wanted to include that because I didn't want to be seen as a hypocrite.

 

I'd say you have some serious dark demons inside you. Maybe stop questioning if you're sick or normal and start questioning what made you so troubled to begin with. Deal with your problems now, rather then when you're in your forties scabbed up, alone jonesing in a jail cell quivering for a fix. No one likes a crack head, especially an angry one whose into some taboo sex.

If you do have a mental disorder it's better to seek medical attention before it's to late.

 

I dont know if its a mental disorder. The anger problem is hard to describe. It's like everyday everything bothers me more than it did before. something that made me mad yesterday, will make me more mad today than yesterday. It's not just things that repeat though. For example if something happened today that's never happened before in my life and it makes me mad, it's going to make me alot madder today than it would have if it had happened years ago. I've had people tell me they wouldn't be surprised to hear I've had my 5th stroke by the time I'm 30, but I consider myself an odd case. I don't feel any extra stress or anything while I'm mad. Most the time when I'm arguing or fighting or whatever, it gives me extra happiness instead of stress. I don't know much about medical shit, but isn't it the "stress" of being angry and yelling what causes people to have strokes when they have anger issues? Now, I'm not saying it doesnt cause any stress, because being mad and thinking angry thoughts just naturally cause some stress on the body, but compared to how I feel when I'm depressed, it feels amazing. I guess I'm just happier being extremely angry than being depressed? And as for fighting or arguing, the adrenaline rush makes me feel alive and happy.

The depression, I'm not even sure if you would really call it depression. Sometimes I don't even feel "sad" I just feel groggy and like theres something really heavy ontop of me. I can feel this way while being happy at the same time. I'm not sure what qualifies as "depression" but I've just always called it depression, however I've always considered depression being a great sadness, being sadder than just "sad".

I love to laugh and have a good time, and I do it more often than most. I watch alot of funny tv shows and movies and the simplest things make me laugh, even the little things that others don't think is all that funny. I always have a reason to laugh, but when I am in a "depressed" mood that brings sadness with it (sometimes it does, sometimes I'm still happy during what I can depression), like I am at this moment, I ask myself just how much of that laughing and happiness is fake so those around me don't think I'm down. Not to long before I started feeling the depression today, I noticed I wasn't laughing at family guy and began wondering about this, and right now, I'm blaming those thoughts on the way I'm currently feeling. While wondering and pondering about how much of it is fake, I realized that when I'm alone, I still enjoy comedy but I rarely laugh out loud and that the entire "laughing" thing might just be like wearing a mask so my friends and family cant see how Im really feeling.

Ive always considered it feminine to share feelings and such with family members, I always give my 2 cents to people on this forum looking for help talking with family about how they feel, but I can't do so myself. Sometimes I even act like I do so they'll trust my advice better. I know that I can give semi-good advice, as many of my real life friends who have followed my advice have had good results, however I am unable to use my own advice. It feels awkward when I try to talk to my mom about personal shit, like its just wrong. And of course, shes a christian and raised me to be christian and always gives me christian advice, which I never follow because I dont worship the same "god" as she does.

I guess all of my life my family has kind of put me down, but I know that they meant good. When I was younger I had big dreams of being a rockstar. I wrote death metal lyrics, I had (or have? I can still do it..) what I consider an amazing death metal voice, but my entire family (only family I have is my mom and her adoptive parents) told me it wouldn't happen. Not to waste my time and potential on it because it just wouldnt happen. They told me that Im only one person and theres millions of people with the same dream so my chances were 1/1000000 so I shouldnt waste my time and find a new dream... except every dream I had they said the same thing... I know that while their words hurt and were harsh, they just wanted to protect me from the feeling of finding out on my own it would never happen, or protect me from being one of those guys in his mid 40s still chasing down a dream that would never happen. But at the same time it still causes pain that they didn't support or believe in me. And Im not trying to slander their names or talk down about them, I love em to death and the only reason at all Ive stayed in this area is because I know they need me, My grandparents are getting to the point where they cant do alot of things that is required for them to survive, and I know when one of them dies, the other will absolutely need someone to live with them and watch over them, and the rest of the family is to selfish to bother looking after them the way I do.

But I guess this post has gone a bit off topic and just became me talking about stuff that really dont have much to do with the topic, so I'll end the post here.

 

Hey there mate. Sounds like you had a bit of a rough life growing up. You may want to get into some kind of anger management class in order to figure out the reason why you get angry. I imagine that you get into fight or flight mode when this occurs and your mind/body does not know how to react to this state and strikes out in violence.

I know you said that you cannot afford counseling but why not try a neurologist as they specialize in brain function. They helped me soo much with my juvenile migraines. They can also do MRIs for you and maybe, just maybe, it may give you a clue what's going on. Be wary of some pills that they may offer you for depression. Kepra caused me to have vivid nightmares of someone killing me over and over again with a different method every time.

Your definition of depression is one of its many forms. It can come in the form of sadness, rage, self loathing, grogginess, over/under eating. There are too many symptoms to list. I would start thinking about how you feel through these "depressed" episodes. I know you said you feel a weight on your chest and that could very well be a sign of depression. But since I am not a doctor, I am not going to try to diagnose you.

I am curious about your drug/sexual habit. Does this still exist for you today? I myself seek rough/violent sex as it releases my mind from a more dominate state to my more submissive side. There is nothing wrong with it as long as you know what your boundaries are. Seems to me that you were crying out for help with the whole cutting, mutilation and drug portion of your younger years.

So just a short version of what I said to keep note of:

1. Find out what makes you angry via AM or self exploration.
2. Visit a neurologist. Have them do a full work up on you to resolve any issues that they can.
3. Lay off of pot for a while. I know you may think it helps, but give your body a break.
4. Confide in a trusted person. Maybe your wife for instance. Ask her to just listen and to refrain from responding to what you have to say.
5. Find an outlet for your anger. If metal helps you sleep at night, go for it! But come up with a way to diffuse anger when you are not in a situation to where you can sing.
6. Dont let people talk you down. Go for your metal dreams. Even if it doesn't work, you tried and did not give up on yourself so easily.

Please note that this is just my opinion and since I don't know you on a personal level I can only make suggestions on a basic level.

If you want to talk to talk further, I am always willing to listen and discuss any topic. Feel free to pm me

 

the sex these days I'm not into as violent sex, but the kinky stuff on occasion is still fun for me. As for the drug use, I don't use anything that often. Ill do a line of coke on special occasions, but I usually dont have enough money to waste it on anything. I never pay for coke, it has to be free or I just wont use it. As for pot, I dont use it often enough to have immunity, maybe once or twice a month. I havnt gotten high daily since I was 18, if I could I would, but moneys an issue.

As for the doctor, it will most likely have to wait until I can get a job. I dont have insurance from my dad because he didnt want to get it (even though last I heard it was required by law to keep me on his insurance until Im 21), so I only have my moms insurance and its horrible, I'd end up being charged around 75% of the total bill and I'm already over 5k in debt with child support.