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Great Poem?

TezzSun

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Jan 1, 2011
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I think some of you remember posting about this girl i liked and i actually got many posts of ideas! thanks alot you guys! :D

So many told me to ditch the poem thing but its the only way to go so here it is (I blocked her name in case anyone else from my school ever passes this thread)

**an S***h
A beautiful young lady
With those shiny brown eyes
It just makes me crazy
I think about you at times
Wondering if you think about me
But time is passing by
And it seems you wish to ignore me
What happened to the bird?
Does it lay there?
Does it shine on your table?
Or probably stay there.
I'm sorry if I i have hurted you,
Ignored you or teased you
I'm sorry if I'm quiet
When you wished to talk
I wanted to be your best friend
But is the choice now locked up?
Say yes or no; it is your decision
For I am the one, who awaits that answer
Whatever you choose, its your choice
I with go on as said by your voice
Now Ill ask you, the same you asked me
Choose what's best, and that will it be


Okay, lemme clear something up, when i say:
What happened to the bird?
Does it lay there?
Does it shine on your table?
Or probably stay there.


I got her a bird for a present after a 1 week break from my country and she liked it, im trying to say is the bird i got her still standing there shining? or just laying there, not even remembered.

Also, this is not asking her to date her or anything like that. Its asking if she is still my friend, she hasnt been talking lately so i just wanted to see if she changed her mined and forgot about me or does she still somewhat remember me
 
"and it seems you wish to ignore me"
strong in tone and can be taken as rude. I'd improve that line.
"I hurted you" --> "I (have) hurt you" (the past tense of to hurt is (have) hurt)
"I'm sorry when I'm quiet" --> "I'm sorry if I'm quiet"
After "no", switch to semi-colon, switch answer to choice --> "say "yes" or "no"; it is your choice

switch second "choice" to decision

Make sure she doesn't think the poem is creepy.

Make my edits and I'll make some more detailed ones.
 
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