Funny quotes from Bash.org

[tomnothere]

These are funny IRC quotes from http://www.bash.org

Have fun reading them!

1.

#111338 +(12391)- [X]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

2.

<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert
<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?
<T-Wolf> ya, why man?
<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
<T-Wolf> you mother fucker

3.

<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a fucken impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

4.

<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

5.

<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
<ktp753>ouch.
<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad

6.

<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, shit

7.

<LordChewy> so my dad found my porn folder
<LordChewy> and he was getting all pissed
<LordChewy> so its all like "does this surprise you? i'm not stupid you know"
<LordChewy> "i know dad"
<LordChewy> "what do you have to say for yourself?"
<LordChewy> at this point i stare at him straight in the eyes and say "Cocuments and SettingsRickyMy Documentsfaxessent faxes"
<LordChewy> and he just shut up
<kingKahn> what is it?
<LordChewy> its his porn folder

8.

<studdud> what the fuck is wtf

9.

<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough.

10.

<ohm> damn
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> DAMN
<ohm> i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> i go like this to her
<ohm> "i want to suck on your clit"
<ohm> FUCK

11.

<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

Here is the second batch of quotes, enjoy

12.

<Galactic> you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots
<Galactic> I mean that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT
<Galactic> the Trix rabbit, for example
<Galactic> I dunno man... if I were him I'd be fucking KILLING some kids
<Galactic> I remember a commercial where the fuckin rabbit WENT INTO A FUCKIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN FUCKIN MONEY.
<Galactic> fuckin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically fuckin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit
<Galactic> "silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
<Galactic> Fuckin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
<Galactic> FUCK NO that wouldn't fly with me
<Galactic> I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fuckin bitches
<Galactic> and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and THEN beat the shit out of them some more.
<Galactic> and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a fuckin kid?
<Galactic> I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think
<Galactic> "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him"
<Galactic> NO.
<Galactic> I'd be thinking
<Galactic> "that's a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap... what the FUCK was I just smoking?"
<Galactic> another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast"
<Galactic> last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
<Galactic> they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fuckin grapefruit... who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big
<Flaming_Duck> not me
<Flaming Duck> I don't even EAT breakfast nomore
<Flaming_Duck> I mean, I eat when I get up
<Flaming_Duck> but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME"
<FLaming_Suck> bitch, you make my fucking sausage and egg sandwich when I pay you the fucking money
<Flaming_Duck> don't give me that shit.
<Galactic> Back to stupid cereal mascots...
<Galactic> Lucky Charms.
<Galactic> FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS
<Galactic> Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of fucking 6 year olds?!?!?
<Galactic> C'mon now, Lucky.
<Galactic> I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the fucking kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
<Galactic> or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches.
<Galactic> "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
<Galactic> ....
<Galactic> KILL THEM, BITCH!
<Galactic> I dunno why I went off on this rant here
<Galactic> it's just always bothered me."

13.

<Spazz> Seems like when I say "FUCK" you get an EOF error
*** Quits: Ranto ([email protected]) (Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto ([email protected])
<Bartolimis> fuck
*** Quits: Ranto ([email protected]) (Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto ([email protected])
<Bartolimis> fuck
<Spazz> fuck
*** Quits: Ranto ([email protected]) (Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto ([email protected])
<Spazz> fuck
<Bartolimis> stop
*** Quits: Ranto ([email protected]) (Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto ([email protected])
<Bartolimis> we're done >
<Ranto> hmh?
<Spazz> Your client got an error...
<Bartolimis> yeah, we're done saying fuck
<Spazz> everytime we said f***
*** Quits: Ranto ([email protected]) (Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto ([email protected])
<Spazz> Quit saying fukc
<Bartolimis> my bad
<Spazz> fuck*
*** Quits: Ranto ([email protected]) (Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto ([email protected])
<Icc> Someone says fuck and he drops ?
*** Quits: Ranto ([email protected]) (Read error: EOF from client)

14.

<Quake-Hat> brad, your mom is fine as shit
<Quake-Hat> i think i will masturbate to her while i play with my balls
<bad_brad> brad had to go blow his nose, but thanks for the compliment, i will be calling your mother
<Quake-Hat> Jesus-fucking christ!!!

15.

<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

16.

<drmason> there was this one time I was wanking to porn...
<drmason> ... I kept a javascript tutorial open in another window so my parents didn't start wondering why I was always on the desktop with no windows showing
<drmason> so I'm just about to splurge when I suddenly hear my dad coming up the stairs
<drmason> alt-tabbed to the other window and tried to pull my boxers up... computer stalled JUST THEN as my dad was opening the door
<drmason> I just stood up and was like "fuck... dad this honestly isn't what it looks like"
<drmason> and he glanced at the screen and said "I sure hope so because it looks like you're masturbating to a fucking javascript tutorial"

17.

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that

18.

<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?

19.

<ikkenai> i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers

20.

<acidwar> last night, tony and I decided to stop off on the way to the party to get some beer
<acidwar> we come out of the shop a few minutes later and there's a parking guy writing a ticket
<acidwar> tony goes up to him and asks him what the ticket's for, parking guy explains that the car is parked in a no standing zone
<acidwar> tony starts abusing him and tells him to cram it up his ass, so the guy writes a ticket for abusing him
<Nuzzler> haha
<acidwar> so tony gets up him even more, and every time he says something the guy writes another ticket
<acidwar> 14 tickets later, the guy gives up and walks off
<dendyh0> ...
<acidwar> and we both PISS ourselves laughing as we walk back to tony's car around the corner, leaving some poor bastard with 14 parking fines
<dendyh0> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<Nuzzler> ROFL!!

21.

<Charlesowns> Man i was surfin porn and like "normal" surfin at the same time, so my mom comes in and i quick as hell tab down the porn. So now im looking at a SWAT vest and an Mp5 submachinegun trying to hide the giant penis in my pants. Then all of a sudden this realy gay male voice speaks out realy loud goin "i want to suck your big dick ans swallow your hot sperm" then like 100 popups open up all consisting of hardcore fetish gayporn.
<Charlesowns> man my mom started crying and now she thinks im gay... it owns

22.

<factorial_nine> "Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."
<factorial_nine> GOOD LUCK, BITCH.

23.

<@AntiHeiss> friend of mine went to jail last night
<@AntiHeiss> he probably isn't getting out for a while
<%The_Coolest> y?
<+Enyo> why?
<%The_Coolest>
<@AntiHeiss> it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too
<@AntiHeiss> she said anything you say can and will be held against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'

24.

Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."

25.

<Tedward> so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money from his three ho's.
<Tedward> he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she says, "But I only owe you $50!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> he asks the next ho for $150. she says, "But I only owe you $100!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> now he goes to his third ho.
<Tedward> he asks for $200. "but I only owe you $150!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> next he visits the fourth ho.
<Tedward> he asks her for his $250.
<Thy_Dungeonman> hold on, wait a sec
<Tedward> what?
<Thy_Dungeonman> you said three ho's, not four. idioth.
*Tedward slaps Thy_Dungeonman
<Tedward> Don't correct me, bitch.

26.

<FM{FF1}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.
<FM{FF1}> ...men.
<FM{FF1}> GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.

27.

dftpnkezln: For all of you reporting a score more than 100 as you iq lol @ you. How can you possibly score more than 100%?
dftpnkezln:I'm very happy with my score of 89.

28.

<Nori123> You don't know jack shit
<VioletSky> That's not true, I know him well
<Nori123> Haha
<VioletSky> I'm serious
<VioletSky> Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children
<VioletSky> Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
<VioletSky> However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
<VioletSky> She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
<VioletSky> Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
<VioletSky> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
<VioletSky> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
<VioletSky> So there.
<FiPo> LOL
<Nori123> I have actually chortled coke through my nose

 

[Kabal]

Heard most before, but still pretty funny

 

[The Devils Son]

Now that is some funny SHIT!

HaHa that made a fool out of J.K, I would laugh so hard if she has seen that.
Laters

 

[Daily]

I've read most of those before..but 11 made me laugh IRL.

 

[SlaveOfTheBeast]

11, I'm going to try that if anyone ever bites me...lol.
That was so wrong but so funny.

 

[Awezum]

LMAO.. i lol'ed so hard irl at these
nevah heard any of em before..
ima copy and paste sum of em kay
all of em are so funny >_<
haha thnx

 

[Rhyno]

Dude, I've never heard any of them before...THEY ARE FREAKIN HILARIOUS!

 

[haggislite]

timeless classics, although the harry potter one is new and just the tonic for all the geeks still harping on about it.

 

[Eliza]

Meh, they are ok.
Some made me chuckle but thats about it

 

[Robin]

Heard all besides 4. Hilarious.

 

[Samus]

I've never laughed so hard off something on the internet... #11 pl0x.

 

[kingnick0694]

lmao thats so fucking funny

 

[tomnothere]

there's more to come. And I know that you will have heard it.

 

[Macroman]

<Nori123> You don't know jack shit
<VioletSky> That's not true, I know him well
<Nori123> Haha
<VioletSky> I'm serious
<VioletSky> Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children
<VioletSky> Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
<VioletSky> However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
<VioletSky> She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
<VioletSky> Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
<VioletSky> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
<VioletSky> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
<VioletSky> So there.
<FiPo> LOL
<Nori123> I have actually chortled coke through my nose

This on is the best is that website just funny quotes?

Might use some short things for my msn names.

 

[tomnothere]

This on is the best is that website just funny quotes?

Might use some short things for my msn names.

Yes, the website is full of quotes. But it's really dead, dates back to like 2002 I think.

 

[Atomic]

Yes, the website is full of quotes. But it's really dead, dates back to like 2002 I think.

What the hell? Bash.org isn't dead, it's still thriving, with quites being added daily.

 

[Recnuob]

that site is for the lulz!

 

[darkmasterz8]

The first one was funny lols.Im gunna check out that web.

 

[tomnothere]

What the hell? Bash.org isn't dead, it's still thriving, with quites being added daily.

really? I thought all the top quotes were the same ones.