Thanks, Brother.

[inpherus]

do you take creative writing class at school? because im starting it this year, and you seem pretty good at it, lol

 

[Solid tank]

do you take creative writing class at school? because im starting it this year, and you seem pretty good at it, lol

No, I hardly write poems, unless it's for school.

 

[The Rising Tied]

Awesome poem, for some reason I started off reading like it was a rap lol

Very touching, 10/10.

 

[Magic Arrow]

Thanks.
Thanks for it all.
The smiles, the tears.
The promises, and the lies.
Thanks, thanks for ruining it all.

Brother, was his name.
Smoking Marijuana, was his game.
Although he was a V.I.P
It's going to have us saying R.I.P.

But WHY.
WHY do you put us through all this.
WHY did you have to mess up your life.
WHY do you have to make others suffer.
WHY did you have to pick up that pipe.
WHY did you pick up that beer can;
You should have done better than this, man.
We raised you right, you knew right from wrong.
But it's just always, the same ol' song.

As far as I can remember,
I think it was in November,
Of Sixth Grade Year.
That's when you brought Mom and Dad the Tears.
I was only a kid, I didn't know what was going on.
Every week, I was scared a ton.
Late at night, ever night, all I could hear was yelling.
Screaming, Shouting, and Crying.
Sister would just keep on telling,
You to stop, and stop.
But you wouldn't listen.
You had your mind made up.
And all of this, taking place, infront of your little brother, who was still growing up.
I didn't know it at the time,
But you were ruining it.
Your life, Sisters, Mom's and Dad's.
All I could do was lay in bed, sad,
While you would run out the house, oh so mad.

End of Sixth grade, and start of Summer.
Holy shit, it was a bummer.
I knew what was finally going on.
It was all clear now.
You, and how you were ruining your life.
You, getting high, and drinking like crazy.
You, getting kicked out, and running away.
ME, not knowing if I'd ever see my brother again.
And me, at the age of only twelve.
Growing up around shit that most normal people;
Wouldn't hear, Dream, Or think about going through until they were grown up.
Car after Car, the result the same.
Car = Totaled. and you = Missing.

Finally, you came home, but for how long I did not know.
Next week you were gone again, what a surprise, huh?
Two weeks later a call from Aunt,
Saying she found you.
You had got in another accident, you're car gone.
But that not the only thing - you hit your head on the steering wheel, and your memory with it.
Your 'Friends' called Aunt, told her you needed to get your fucked up life under control.
We didn't know how bad in shape you were,
You're lucking to be alive, you know.
All of this, taking right in front of me.
A kid, growing up, Only thirteen.

Next thing you know, Your friend Ron's dead.
When I found out he killed himself on accident -
With you parked outside his house -
I stopped in my tracks knowing that could have been you.
We were lucky to still have you.
You knew it too.

Eight grade, while you're over seas,
We find out, our cousin's overdosed on Ecstasy.
Another man down, that could have been you.
The targets getting closer and closer,
And the light fading away.
Why Brother, why
Can't you just stay,
Away from that shit,
Get your life straight and Fit.

Now, I'm in this room I've been in.
All of us have; You, Mom, Dad, and Sister.
I'm sitting on this chair, across from me this Mister.
We all know him, and he knows all of our secrets.
I ask Mom and Dad to leave, for some One on One time.
For the next 15 Minutes, this man is Mine.
Everything was in my head perfectly;
But as soon as they leave;
I open my mouth, but the only thing that comes out are tears -
From my eyes.
I can't stop, I can't find the words to say what I'm trying to say.
My minds blank - My heart racing.
Five minutes pass, and nothing's changed.
I don't know why, nor how, this is happening.
All this time, over all those years.
Not one single tear.
And now I'm here;
In front of him, and I'm crying and crying, trying to stop.
I stop, and we talk and talk.
I tell him I want this fairy tale to have a happy ending,
Although it doesn't look like it is.
I just pray and pray you find that light,
To save you, and help you from this dark road you're on.
We care for you, and want you to end this madness.
I know you'll find that light, and it may not be soon.
But Brother, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that
I Love You.

​

It's a true story, nothing changed.
I didn't really follow a rhyming scheme, I came home and everything just came out itself.
When it says "Now I'm in the room I've been in" It means today, when I was at the psychologist.
CnC Please.

Perfect, just that one little error. I guess editing all those interviews made me alert.

 

[Rusty Napkin]

Where are the poetic devices? Where are the extended metaphors; where is the imagery? etc etc.

He just wrote it to let his feelings out, not to make a nice poem for little finny.

 

[Mega_JonixX]

I can only think of one word , WOW. Shit man, you should really show that to your brother somehow. Damn if i were you brother and you showed it to me I would cry like hell. Very nice writing and very touching!

 

[Solid tank]

Where are the poetic devices? Where are the extended metaphors; where is the imagery? etc etc.

As I've stated before, I didn't really write it as a poem, I just needed to write something down. I'm pretty sure you can find some Imagery in there..

@M.A. Thanks

 

[DDoS]

I read it and everything, mind giving a little more..background on it?

Did you read the fucking poem? Obviously not if you are asking the background of it...

Very touching poem.

 

[wtp]

Very deep.

 

[Solid tank]

Thanks again, can anyone give me ways on improving?

 

[Solid tank]

If you want the reader to be analytical, follow my aforementioned advice. If you're genuinely just writing expressively, for your own self-satisfaction, abide by your own rules, write freely!

mmm, yeah. Thanks Finn.

 

[Magic Arrow]

You roll in with that can in your hand
You shout, You scream, all these demands
All I could hear was mommy cryin, Daddy yellin
About how that shit from your breath was smellin
I was only young, I didn't deserve it.
How my self-esteem went down, yeh you hurt it.

I knew what was important to me.
That is God and my family.
Had you been gone, it woulda been a tragedy
Losing my brother, what a catastrophe.

You leave us, like you just don't care.
two weeks later your back, thats not fair
you left us, you think its all gonna be sweet now.
Nice act, why don't you just take a bow.

Im not saying I dont miss you,
Im just saying we need you to
Be strong and get out of this misery
and we can put it all in history

Me and you we had our days,
Some where blue and some were grays,
I wonder if it'll ever be the same.
Because I know we wont care one day

I can read read between the lies
You can see the tears between those eyes.
I wont tell you because you'll just deny
That what your doing, It could make you die

I know you see what Im telling you
I just hope its gettin through
That without our help, your not getting anywhere soon
Just sing this song, Ill give you the tune

Now im here in this room.
one on one, its me and you
I tell you my story, you laugh
Its not my fault you chose this path
I stop you, I tell you the deepest thing i feel about you
That is, That I really do love you.

 

[Solid tank]

Added your song to the first post.

 

[DDoS]

You roll in with that can in your hand
You shout, You scream, all these demands
All I could hear was mommy cryin, Daddy yellin
About how that shit from your breath was smellin
I was only young, I didn't deserve it.
How my self-esteem went down, yeh you hurt it.

I knew what was important to me.
That is God and my family.
Had you been gone, it woulda been a tragedy
Losing my brother, what a catastrophe.

You leave us, like you just don't care.
two weeks later your back, thats not fair
you left us, you think its all gonna be sweet now.
Nice act, why don't you just take a bow.

Im not saying I dont miss you,
Im just saying we need you to
Be strong and get out of this misery
and we can put it all in history

Me and you we had our days,
Some where blue and some were grays,
I wonder if it'll ever be the same.
Because I know we wont care one day

I can read read between the lies
You can see the tears between those eyes.
I wont tell you because you'll just deny
That what your doing, It could make you die

I know you see what Im telling you
I just hope its gettin through
That without our help, your not getting anywhere soon
Just sing this song, Ill give you the tune

Now im here in this room.
one on one, its me and you
I tell you my story, you laugh
Its not my fault you chose this path
I stop you, I tell you the deepest thing i feel about you
That is, That I really do love you.

Nice, Whats it have to do with his part of the poem?

 

[Magic Arrow]

Nice, Whats it have to do with his part of the poem?

I made his poem into a poetic rap. Ill make a better one later, that one took me 20 minutes. Ill be adding gansta rap to ot.

 

[n00b sch00l bus]

amazing. Give it to your brother please...