Skrit
Member
Hey there sythe.org. Some of you may know me, most of you not. I have multiple acc's on rs, you may have seen me there... ( Uh Pwnt, X Skrit X, nikolai127, and Im Kadaj).
Anyways, to the topic at hand... My friend Alex sent me this, I dont know where he got it, so credit to whomever may have made it... It made me laugh the entire time i was reading it.
Ninja is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people, flying, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments. The physical possibility of this is proven by the Uncertainty Principle.
Although ninja are most commonly thought of as being Japanese, it is a little known but true fact that over half of all ninja are from the southwest Detroit area. We know most about ninjas from the autobiography of Sebastian Taylor, which appeared on the shelves of every library in the Australian city of Adelaide spontaneously in 1972, then proceeding to perform martial arts performances. The books soon joined the Cirque Du Soleil, but left the troop after several mysterious and spontaneous deaths in the audience. The books were never officially charged.
Ninja are also known for their 'leet skills, their knowledge of quilting history, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut people's heads off, and the ability to retract their testicles for defensive purposes, even when they aren't cold, all displayed and explained in their book "1337 ways to annihilate pirates". However, ninja are not animals (although they may transform into one if they're feeling particularly badass), in that they do provide receipts for assassinations. Of course, due to their temporal skills sometimes they may give the receipt before the assassination; so if you ever find a small black piece of paper in your pocket, then duck!
Considered an extreme threat, ninja have a small, yet awesome, population.
Remember: Real Ninjas can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked Assassin, not a Ninja. Either that, or you're a rum-intoxicated pirate.
If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love) these are the places they're most commonly found, how do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns
Behind you
In front of you
In the shadows of you and your loved ones
The tree in your backyard
Inside your mind
In small villages
In your bath tub (under the bubbles!)
In your clock
Anywhere you can't see.
Ninja can use any object as a weapon: swords, shuriken, sticks, knives, shuriken, kunai,a banana, a baby, leather pants, a pop can, lengths of rope, wet fishies, rubber duckies, Sam's Club members, your head, keychains, rubber chickens, shuriken, aluminium ladders, folding fans, a really sharp pencil, pudding, rolled up newspapers, shuriken, bubble gum, ferrets, numbers, kunai, hp deskjet 970Cse color printers, a trombone, a condom, a used condom, a travel size websters dictionary, a lamp shade, 1950's porno flicks, a pokeball, a rabid rabbit, another ninja, disembodied limbs, boners, tree trunks, chainsaws, pimp canes, pies, and a soup spoon - pretty much anything except a gun (actually, a ninja could use a gun, but they find throwing the bullets to be more deadly and visually appealing; or they might just kill you by throwing the gun at you). There have even been cases of Ninjas being able to kill a person with a hamster and still keeping the hamster alive to later eat it. In times of stealth, ninja are completely silent (so if you are outside and don't hear anything, a ninja is probably after you). However, a ninja will attack while saying stuff like "Wu-ahh!" "Woa-chau!" or the simple but unpretentious “BBBYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!â€, just because this sounds so awesome. Ninja often train with the National Ninja Association, who provide free weapons and live targets (such as Pirates), though this is not unnecessary and many ninja tend to hone their badassness alone.
Throughout their training, Ninja Masters always enforce the rule of only attacking in groups of one or two, even if there are many more ready to attack. But, if attacking all at once may lead to them humorously being thrown off by the defender, they must do so at every opportunity. It is believed this rule was created to prevent ninja from totally kicking the world's ass, and running out of opponents, which ninja need to be at all happy. Also, if they ever become Ninja Masters, and lead a gang of ninja, they always have to fight last, and be ready to leave long pauses for smouldering stare-downs, short arrogant speeches, long, insanely annoying speeches, and for sudden twanging strings if they are fighting for Asian Audiences, or climactic cheesy music for Western Audiences, or strangly funky clapping music (Kill Bill), all before a sudden silence where all sword strikes ring out, and then to slip up and let the good guy win. Some ninja argue that this is all really stupid, but they all get killed the second they finish staring down their master, because he may be old, but he can still KICK SOME ASS!
Ninja are also known for kicking people THROUGH THE FACE and not even think twice about it, as well as being able to wail the guitar even better than Eddie Van Halen. In fact, a ninja can do pretty much anything he chooses merely by concentrating on it for a few seconds, so even the arts of macramé and C++ are well known to them. These and similar properties of ninja are collectively known as Real Ultimate Power. The only things Ninja are afraid of are shit-scary ghost stories. It is also highly advisable to ask a ninja.
It is not wise to mess with a Ninja, as it will result in your head getting cut off, having your body turned into a shuriken rack, or being choked by your own arm.
Real Ultimate Power
Real Ultimate Power can be attained by ninja in two ways. The most recent way is to basically attain all aspects of the ninja, like flipping out, playing the guitar awesomely, killing people and killing pirates. The first time ninjas received Real Ultimate Power was when Elvis gave ninjas The One Ring to prevent The Burger King from getting it. Ninjas with The Ring learned how to give other ninjas the power of Real Ultimate Power because they had The Ring. This is how they got the power, like He-Man.
Diet
Ninja tend to feast on your fear, neglect, lack of speed and your decision not to turn around. Their hatred is primarily derived from the existence of pirates and the unholy sight of women smiling. Any woman who gathers means of entertainment not inflicted upon her by a ninja's underrated topical humor and witty antics is punishable by ninja sword, drop-kick to the Manolo Blahnik's, five across the eyes, or the fearsome ninja dutch rub. Although ninja scarcely consume food, they do have a few exceptions.
Large cats: Although established that eating domestic house cats is quite easily one of the coolest things you can do, ninja prefer the rugged stuff. How do you think ninja get hair on their constantly secured knuckles? Simple, they take on lions, tigers, leopards, and cheeta hs one-on-one. Ninja have been witnessed to orally persuade two lions to have a steel cage match within the confines of a state park. This is funny considering ninja rarely ever speak.
Creampuffs with sharp angles and powdered swords: These make for sumptuous deserts, and conveniently they also double as weapons.
Anything that reminds them of Eric Clapton's hair: Ninja once experimented with making their suits out of Eric Clapton's hair. Unfortunately, they could not resist the temptation of feasting on the pure taste of heroin, blood, sweat, and guitar.
Napalm: It makes their indestructible semen just that much more indestructible. They often use their napalm-filled semen to rape pirates and cause them grevious amounts of anal pain, which is how pirates came upon the "ARRRR" curse.
Babies: For breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes brunch, ninjas will consume babies of all varieties. They're usually dined on with ketchup and sometimes peanut butter.
The very matter of the universe: Ninjas could survive for entire millenia without eating anything physical, simply because they might be busy destroying a killer, 18-foot viking, or a two-headed dragon from the pits of Hell. In these times, they just absorb sustenance from the air around them, the ground they stand on, or whatever's handy.
Other Ninjas: Ninjas, when at the point where the universe's consciousness is no more, will resort to cannibalism. Common sense suggests that this will be the ninja's ultimate downfall, which is why is why it's not very common anymore. This fact is also true for many types of amphibian and most of your local resturants.
Kittens: Ninjas eat kittens because of their soft texture and screeching meow, they also can make useful diversions such as blowing up the kitten to escape.
Codes of the Ninja
Ninjas tend to send us codes of what they are planning to do to you; however, most humans simply cannot comprehend these messages with their feeble brains. Here are a few that I have taken the liberty to translate for you.
You "see" a Ninja somewhere = Prepare to die
A Ninja makes eye contact with you = Prepare to die
You are performing your daily routine like a good cyborg does = Prepare to die.
A ninja shakes your hand = Have a nice day... then you're going to die.
Other = Prepare to be mutilated (long, fancy way ninjas say prepare to die)
You come home to find a Ninja reading the paper and using your toilet = You can't knock on the freakin door? Prepare to die.
You see an innocent-looking old man walking toward you, desperately asking you for help = Run if you want, but he'll catch you up anyway. (Ninjas usually disguise themselves as old men, which increases their cool factor)
A Ninja flips you off = Same as above and below
You do NOT see a Ninja = Prepare to die
If you don't know where a fart came from= prepare to die.
If you are a Ninja = Prepare to kill someone.
You smell something horrible = Prepare to die, this Ninja does not bathe
If a ninja sees you playing Ninja Gaiden on the Xbox 360 = Prepare to die multiple times, then the ninja will swiftly take your Xbox 360, as a trophy
You have seen a premonition = Prepare to die (freak accident involving a ninja)
A Ninja takes you out for dinner = Prepare to dine in hell.
What to do if a Ninja is after you
Being masters of stealth, there is usually no way to know if a ninja is following you until you suddenly find a ninja star embedded in your temple, or a sword sticking out of your chest. So therefore the rest of these are pretty useless. Still, on the off chance that you detect a ninja, try the following:
First, do not panic. Ninja are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, bees, or William Shatner.
Second, don't get bitten. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot. Wait, on second thought....who doesn't want to be a ninja? Sometimes the Ninja will curse his bite however, resulting in the victim turning into a pirate instead of a Ninja.
Third, Ninjas are NOT intimidated by pirates!. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja will have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only pirates should act like pirates (and if the ninjas had their way, not even them).
Do not ask, "Who's there?...", because the answer is always a swift shuriken to the forehead. Incidentally, non ninja stalking you don't tend to reply with anything useful either.
Don't get in a car and drive off, because the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his sword. Besides, the ninja would already have placed caltrops in front of the tires. Incidentally, ninjas have an uncanny ability to plan for their foe's every move. This could result from some kind of mystical ninja psychic ability, or maybe it's because one of the ninja mottos is "expect the unexpected."
Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
Do not attempt to use pepper spray on the ninja. The ninja will use the spray to season his bologna sandwich, making him a bloated and satiated ninja. The only aim he has left is your swift demise.
Whatever you do, do NOT speak like a pirate, as ninja attack pirates on sight. Actually, just to be on the safe side, you should try to avoid using any words with an "R" in them. You might try pointing behind the ninja and saying "Look out! There's a pirate behind you!" but ninja are very cunning and will assume you are lying, so you might instead want to point behind the ninja and say, "Don't look! There is not a pirate behind you!"
Never use reverse psychology on a ninja, they'll take it as an insult, skewer you on their katanas and then turn you inside out. I guess that the previous is now null. Oh well..pirate!
Always remember that haikus DO NOT work on ninjas.
Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you. Ninja are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninjas are very good at climbing.
Try to pretend you are a samurai. Because ninjas are wary of samurai, you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
Use kung fu. Your best option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja. However, ninjas invented kung fu (though the Shaolin monks took all the credit) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you want to cry like a baby, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death.
Pretend to be a ninja. Ninjas never attack fellows ninjas except their mothers smacking them. If you don't happen to have a full ninja uniform or speak fluent Japanese, though...
Run straight to the nearest chopper This is what Dutch advises when The Predator approaches (An alien type of Ninja)
If at all possible, always have a bonsai plant handy to give as an offering. Ninjas love bonsai plants, and may even delay your demise by up to thirty seconds.
Do not use the jedi mind trick. It doesnt work, the ninja will simply pull out his spare handy light-saber and use the force on your ass.
Place your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye. (highly recommended)
Let him make you his bitch.
In summary: if a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the pearly gates in disbelief. Don't worry though, ninja don't usually go after random targets. Just in case they decide to, however, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi." It just offends them.
What to do if a Ninja is BEFORE you
Just stand back, and let him go about his daily business. If there's one thing Ninjas hate, it's people who jump queues.
Try to touch him. If you want to have one less head.
DON'T CUT IN LINE. He will let you pass, buy food and then throw a shuriken swiftly into your throat killing you instantly, then take your food.
Keep your distance. Unless you want to end your life early.
Anyways, to the topic at hand... My friend Alex sent me this, I dont know where he got it, so credit to whomever may have made it... It made me laugh the entire time i was reading it.
Ninja is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people, flying, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments. The physical possibility of this is proven by the Uncertainty Principle.
Although ninja are most commonly thought of as being Japanese, it is a little known but true fact that over half of all ninja are from the southwest Detroit area. We know most about ninjas from the autobiography of Sebastian Taylor, which appeared on the shelves of every library in the Australian city of Adelaide spontaneously in 1972, then proceeding to perform martial arts performances. The books soon joined the Cirque Du Soleil, but left the troop after several mysterious and spontaneous deaths in the audience. The books were never officially charged.
Ninja are also known for their 'leet skills, their knowledge of quilting history, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut people's heads off, and the ability to retract their testicles for defensive purposes, even when they aren't cold, all displayed and explained in their book "1337 ways to annihilate pirates". However, ninja are not animals (although they may transform into one if they're feeling particularly badass), in that they do provide receipts for assassinations. Of course, due to their temporal skills sometimes they may give the receipt before the assassination; so if you ever find a small black piece of paper in your pocket, then duck!
Considered an extreme threat, ninja have a small, yet awesome, population.
Remember: Real Ninjas can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked Assassin, not a Ninja. Either that, or you're a rum-intoxicated pirate.
If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love) these are the places they're most commonly found, how do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns
Behind you
In front of you
In the shadows of you and your loved ones
The tree in your backyard
Inside your mind
In small villages
In your bath tub (under the bubbles!)
In your clock
Anywhere you can't see.
Ninja can use any object as a weapon: swords, shuriken, sticks, knives, shuriken, kunai,a banana, a baby, leather pants, a pop can, lengths of rope, wet fishies, rubber duckies, Sam's Club members, your head, keychains, rubber chickens, shuriken, aluminium ladders, folding fans, a really sharp pencil, pudding, rolled up newspapers, shuriken, bubble gum, ferrets, numbers, kunai, hp deskjet 970Cse color printers, a trombone, a condom, a used condom, a travel size websters dictionary, a lamp shade, 1950's porno flicks, a pokeball, a rabid rabbit, another ninja, disembodied limbs, boners, tree trunks, chainsaws, pimp canes, pies, and a soup spoon - pretty much anything except a gun (actually, a ninja could use a gun, but they find throwing the bullets to be more deadly and visually appealing; or they might just kill you by throwing the gun at you). There have even been cases of Ninjas being able to kill a person with a hamster and still keeping the hamster alive to later eat it. In times of stealth, ninja are completely silent (so if you are outside and don't hear anything, a ninja is probably after you). However, a ninja will attack while saying stuff like "Wu-ahh!" "Woa-chau!" or the simple but unpretentious “BBBYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!â€, just because this sounds so awesome. Ninja often train with the National Ninja Association, who provide free weapons and live targets (such as Pirates), though this is not unnecessary and many ninja tend to hone their badassness alone.
Throughout their training, Ninja Masters always enforce the rule of only attacking in groups of one or two, even if there are many more ready to attack. But, if attacking all at once may lead to them humorously being thrown off by the defender, they must do so at every opportunity. It is believed this rule was created to prevent ninja from totally kicking the world's ass, and running out of opponents, which ninja need to be at all happy. Also, if they ever become Ninja Masters, and lead a gang of ninja, they always have to fight last, and be ready to leave long pauses for smouldering stare-downs, short arrogant speeches, long, insanely annoying speeches, and for sudden twanging strings if they are fighting for Asian Audiences, or climactic cheesy music for Western Audiences, or strangly funky clapping music (Kill Bill), all before a sudden silence where all sword strikes ring out, and then to slip up and let the good guy win. Some ninja argue that this is all really stupid, but they all get killed the second they finish staring down their master, because he may be old, but he can still KICK SOME ASS!
Ninja are also known for kicking people THROUGH THE FACE and not even think twice about it, as well as being able to wail the guitar even better than Eddie Van Halen. In fact, a ninja can do pretty much anything he chooses merely by concentrating on it for a few seconds, so even the arts of macramé and C++ are well known to them. These and similar properties of ninja are collectively known as Real Ultimate Power. The only things Ninja are afraid of are shit-scary ghost stories. It is also highly advisable to ask a ninja.
It is not wise to mess with a Ninja, as it will result in your head getting cut off, having your body turned into a shuriken rack, or being choked by your own arm.
Real Ultimate Power
Real Ultimate Power can be attained by ninja in two ways. The most recent way is to basically attain all aspects of the ninja, like flipping out, playing the guitar awesomely, killing people and killing pirates. The first time ninjas received Real Ultimate Power was when Elvis gave ninjas The One Ring to prevent The Burger King from getting it. Ninjas with The Ring learned how to give other ninjas the power of Real Ultimate Power because they had The Ring. This is how they got the power, like He-Man.
Diet
Ninja tend to feast on your fear, neglect, lack of speed and your decision not to turn around. Their hatred is primarily derived from the existence of pirates and the unholy sight of women smiling. Any woman who gathers means of entertainment not inflicted upon her by a ninja's underrated topical humor and witty antics is punishable by ninja sword, drop-kick to the Manolo Blahnik's, five across the eyes, or the fearsome ninja dutch rub. Although ninja scarcely consume food, they do have a few exceptions.
Large cats: Although established that eating domestic house cats is quite easily one of the coolest things you can do, ninja prefer the rugged stuff. How do you think ninja get hair on their constantly secured knuckles? Simple, they take on lions, tigers, leopards, and cheeta hs one-on-one. Ninja have been witnessed to orally persuade two lions to have a steel cage match within the confines of a state park. This is funny considering ninja rarely ever speak.
Creampuffs with sharp angles and powdered swords: These make for sumptuous deserts, and conveniently they also double as weapons.
Anything that reminds them of Eric Clapton's hair: Ninja once experimented with making their suits out of Eric Clapton's hair. Unfortunately, they could not resist the temptation of feasting on the pure taste of heroin, blood, sweat, and guitar.
Napalm: It makes their indestructible semen just that much more indestructible. They often use their napalm-filled semen to rape pirates and cause them grevious amounts of anal pain, which is how pirates came upon the "ARRRR" curse.
Babies: For breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes brunch, ninjas will consume babies of all varieties. They're usually dined on with ketchup and sometimes peanut butter.
The very matter of the universe: Ninjas could survive for entire millenia without eating anything physical, simply because they might be busy destroying a killer, 18-foot viking, or a two-headed dragon from the pits of Hell. In these times, they just absorb sustenance from the air around them, the ground they stand on, or whatever's handy.
Other Ninjas: Ninjas, when at the point where the universe's consciousness is no more, will resort to cannibalism. Common sense suggests that this will be the ninja's ultimate downfall, which is why is why it's not very common anymore. This fact is also true for many types of amphibian and most of your local resturants.
Kittens: Ninjas eat kittens because of their soft texture and screeching meow, they also can make useful diversions such as blowing up the kitten to escape.
Codes of the Ninja
Ninjas tend to send us codes of what they are planning to do to you; however, most humans simply cannot comprehend these messages with their feeble brains. Here are a few that I have taken the liberty to translate for you.
You "see" a Ninja somewhere = Prepare to die
A Ninja makes eye contact with you = Prepare to die
You are performing your daily routine like a good cyborg does = Prepare to die.
A ninja shakes your hand = Have a nice day... then you're going to die.
Other = Prepare to be mutilated (long, fancy way ninjas say prepare to die)
You come home to find a Ninja reading the paper and using your toilet = You can't knock on the freakin door? Prepare to die.
You see an innocent-looking old man walking toward you, desperately asking you for help = Run if you want, but he'll catch you up anyway. (Ninjas usually disguise themselves as old men, which increases their cool factor)
A Ninja flips you off = Same as above and below
You do NOT see a Ninja = Prepare to die
If you don't know where a fart came from= prepare to die.
If you are a Ninja = Prepare to kill someone.
You smell something horrible = Prepare to die, this Ninja does not bathe
If a ninja sees you playing Ninja Gaiden on the Xbox 360 = Prepare to die multiple times, then the ninja will swiftly take your Xbox 360, as a trophy
You have seen a premonition = Prepare to die (freak accident involving a ninja)
A Ninja takes you out for dinner = Prepare to dine in hell.
What to do if a Ninja is after you
Being masters of stealth, there is usually no way to know if a ninja is following you until you suddenly find a ninja star embedded in your temple, or a sword sticking out of your chest. So therefore the rest of these are pretty useless. Still, on the off chance that you detect a ninja, try the following:
First, do not panic. Ninja are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, bees, or William Shatner.
Second, don't get bitten. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot. Wait, on second thought....who doesn't want to be a ninja? Sometimes the Ninja will curse his bite however, resulting in the victim turning into a pirate instead of a Ninja.
Third, Ninjas are NOT intimidated by pirates!. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja will have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only pirates should act like pirates (and if the ninjas had their way, not even them).
Do not ask, "Who's there?...", because the answer is always a swift shuriken to the forehead. Incidentally, non ninja stalking you don't tend to reply with anything useful either.
Don't get in a car and drive off, because the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his sword. Besides, the ninja would already have placed caltrops in front of the tires. Incidentally, ninjas have an uncanny ability to plan for their foe's every move. This could result from some kind of mystical ninja psychic ability, or maybe it's because one of the ninja mottos is "expect the unexpected."
Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
Do not attempt to use pepper spray on the ninja. The ninja will use the spray to season his bologna sandwich, making him a bloated and satiated ninja. The only aim he has left is your swift demise.
Whatever you do, do NOT speak like a pirate, as ninja attack pirates on sight. Actually, just to be on the safe side, you should try to avoid using any words with an "R" in them. You might try pointing behind the ninja and saying "Look out! There's a pirate behind you!" but ninja are very cunning and will assume you are lying, so you might instead want to point behind the ninja and say, "Don't look! There is not a pirate behind you!"
Never use reverse psychology on a ninja, they'll take it as an insult, skewer you on their katanas and then turn you inside out. I guess that the previous is now null. Oh well..pirate!
Always remember that haikus DO NOT work on ninjas.
Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you. Ninja are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninjas are very good at climbing.
Try to pretend you are a samurai. Because ninjas are wary of samurai, you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
Use kung fu. Your best option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja. However, ninjas invented kung fu (though the Shaolin monks took all the credit) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you want to cry like a baby, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death.
Pretend to be a ninja. Ninjas never attack fellows ninjas except their mothers smacking them. If you don't happen to have a full ninja uniform or speak fluent Japanese, though...
Run straight to the nearest chopper This is what Dutch advises when The Predator approaches (An alien type of Ninja)
If at all possible, always have a bonsai plant handy to give as an offering. Ninjas love bonsai plants, and may even delay your demise by up to thirty seconds.
Do not use the jedi mind trick. It doesnt work, the ninja will simply pull out his spare handy light-saber and use the force on your ass.
Place your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye. (highly recommended)
Let him make you his bitch.
In summary: if a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the pearly gates in disbelief. Don't worry though, ninja don't usually go after random targets. Just in case they decide to, however, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi." It just offends them.
What to do if a Ninja is BEFORE you
Just stand back, and let him go about his daily business. If there's one thing Ninjas hate, it's people who jump queues.
Try to touch him. If you want to have one less head.
DON'T CUT IN LINE. He will let you pass, buy food and then throw a shuriken swiftly into your throat killing you instantly, then take your food.
Keep your distance. Unless you want to end your life early.
