Would you break up with a girlfriend who...

Would you break up with a girlfriend who...

• You love
• Claims she loves you, but doesn't say it
• Would NOT cheat on you (I know this for sure, don't bring it up)
• Texts one guy non-stop, chills with him one-on-one infrequently
• Talks about this guy constantly
• Hardly responds to you online, and has crazy hot/cold mood swings irl
• Has recently asked for a short break to think about her life (again, this is legitimate - her and I have discussed it to length. She is an emotional loner, and refuses to bring me down with her because of her life troubles, e.g. cousin getting leukemia, selling of her childhood home/last place she lived with her mum who passed away...things are stacking up and she just wants to think them through)
• Insists that she wants to keep going and "fix" the relationship, though no progress has really been made
• Inadvertently causes you more pain by being cold than she would if you helped her with her life problems

It's gotten to the point where I'm completely depressed and don't really want to go out or eat or anything. I've been thinking about breaking up with her for a while just because I'd rather end things, feel a lot of pain likely for the rest of summer, then be fine by next year. I feel like it's dragging out, but on the flip side, if I end it then I'm not giving things a chance to get better.


What do you guys think? I've added a poll

 

Well, I can offer you some outstanding perspective, I think. You mention a guy she texts on the phone and that she talks about him non-stop. I can actually offer the perspective of BEING THAT OTHER GUY! I can honestly say, give it some more time man. While that girl that texted me had a long-standing boyfriend (and they had plenty of issues), he was always first in her life, not me.I always just felt like the emotional punching bag that could let her vent her frustrations to an unbiased ear. It's good for someone to have that, and the fact that she does not see him in real life infrequently reaffirms the notion to me that he is just an idealistic virtual entity with no flaws. It's really easy to be "perfect" in a non face-to-face relationship, trust me. Truth is, if she were to date this guy she texts non stop, many of the same problems would surface. She is just holding this guy on a pedestal because he has the advantage of a degree of anonymity which can cater to telling her exactly what she wants to hear, thus seeming like a god among men.

For some people, it is really hard to tell the ones you love that you love them. I struggle with it, I sometimes don't remember to tell my dad I love him when I hang up the phone. It comes easier to some than others, so just because she does not say it, that is definitely not a surefire indication that she does not reciprocate the love you feel towards her (it may just be in different ways, try to find out if this is the case, if you do not already know). The fact she would NOT cheat on you tells me a lot, and that this text buddy is just someone to vent to (again, I've been there). My friend also had extreme hot/cold mood swings, to the point of actually attempting to commit suicide and having to go to rehab (you can probably actually find the thread I made not too long ago chronicling this story, if you're interested).

The short break may be beneficial, but tread carefully, sometimes these short breaks work themselves out into permanent ones, or a break that elicits the most basest and negative emotions from both parties that can lead to irrevocable fights and disagreements.

I say give things a chance to get better man, try to tell her how you can offer anything the text buddy can (which I know you can, because she chose you, not him!)

 

I can definitely relate with you. I've been in a similar situation. If it was in the beginning of the relationship, then I would say just keep trying. Not sure how long you have been with her, but if it's been a while now, then I would start the process of ending it. It's clearly messing with you and most likely, things won't change at this point. You can tell her how you feel if you haven't already and tell her that you can't handle it anymore. Give it a little bit more time to see what happens after that, but if things don't change in the next month or so, then just end it. She thinks that giving it a break and being distant is better for you because she doesn't want to bring you down, but you should let her know that it's doing just the opposite. Her being alone isn't going to help much with her life troubles. You being by her side helping her through it will.

 

Yeah, I tried talking her into letting me be there but she was super adamant, I think it has something to do with her mother passing away and relying on others for support. I've been with her for 9 months. I'll give her June if I can last that long, and then by your advice I'll start breakup chats.

As for the guy who replied above you:
Thanks for the support, but she's an emotional loner - she talks about these things to only her closest of friends, and this guy isn't one of them.

 

Even someone described as an emotional loner can let their guard down and let somebody into their personal business without even realizing it. I'd describe myself as an emotional loner yet there are still people that can pick my brain without me even really realizing it. That could definitely be the case for this text guy. I wouldn't view him as a threat, if you are, not trying to put words in your mouth or anything. However, just know that just because most of the time she only divulges things to her closest friends, that does not necessarily mean that this text guy cannot get personal information out of her. The fact though that she doesn't want to divulge these situations with her significant other is disconcerting though, but I still think this deserves some more time to exhaust all options. Best case scenario would you be trying everything, realizing it won't work out, and amicably ending it so that she can at least remains your friend. Because that day could, and probably will come, that she needs your shoulder to lean on..and nobody elses.

 

That was really well-said my friend! We had a good chat tonight about the break and this guy, and she said she wanted until thursday to get her thoughts together. She also told me she'd be hanging out with the guy a lot during the rest of our break, but she did ask if that would bug me (and she told me again she doesn't have and will never have feelings for him), which does bother me but then again she could have just as easily not told me a thing.

We'll see what happens on Thursday!

 

I hate when my girlfriends used to have guy best friends, its totally disrespectful if they pay more attention to that guy than there own boyfriend, Im a very jealous guy so I wouldn't stand for it. I wouldn't continue if my gf was emotional unstable and just cold when it came to your feelings. sorry man hope it works out.

 

Fantastic, I wish you the best of luck my friend. I know you do not know me or anything, but if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. That's a great sign that she opened up and asked if something would bother you. That definitely shows me there is hope! This other guy is just, like I said, her overly idealistic view of a man. When we have something great, we always want just a little more.. I know I'm at least guilty of this...human nature is a fickle bitch my friend!! But I believe in you, all we on Sythe can do is offer our guidance and it is up to you to make the call. But I believe you'll make the right choice, especially since you're doing all you can.

 

Blue I feel that for a relationship to be successful there has to be compromising. My girlfriend and I have been together for five years and almost never argue, mainly b.c of compromising. Im all for my girlfriend having friends and having fun, but I would be worried about her always spending 1 on 1 time with a guy. If I told my gf that it bugged me and that I diddnt like all the time they were spending together, I would expect her to stop and we could try to find a solution, such as all of us hanging out together (compromise). If a girl truly cares for you then she will take into consideration your feelings about a specific scenario. It sounds like you are in a bad spot unfortunately. If it was me I would end the relationship. Breaking up is tought, but being in a relationship that is constantly pulling at your emotions and making you feel depressed is much worse. Life is too short to be stuck in a bad relationship.

 

Are you me from two years ago? I was in the exact same situation. My girlfriend at the time was exactly like the girl you're describing. When we chilled in person everything was good, we got along great and had some good times together, but the one thing that would get on my nerves was she'd text this one guy all the fucking time. I was decently good friends with the guy and they never did anything behind my back but it bugged me, kind of like, am I not interesting enough that when we're hanging out you have to also be talking to some other dude? Shit was mad whack, and the worst part was texting her was like talking to a brick wall with moodswings, yet her and that guy would text for hours on end. It really gets you into an awkward situation, 'cause you don't want to seem like that controlling boyfriend with trust issues, but you don't want to have her more interested in some random guy than you. And again, like your girl Blupig, she didn't like to share her inner problems with me, her parents go divorced and I never knew until I came over and her dad was moving his shit out of the house. She'd get all sad and emotional and I'd try to ask her what's wrong and I'd never get an answer.

Eventually we broke up, and it was undoubtedly for the better. Your girl sounds great, and I'm not saying you should break up with her as everyone has their flaws and shit you'll never like about them, but it worked out well for me.

 

My girlfriend liked me long before we started talking and stuff so for the first few months of our relationship she was still in the surprised/excited phase because she had liked me for so long. That eventually wore off and we still get along great without fights and we text for hours on end. My personality wouldn't take what you're going through well. Honestly I wouldn't really approve of my girlfriend spending 1 on 1 time with another guy. Also I feel as if her hiding her emotions from you is a problem. I don't know the answer to your problem but I'll leave you with this. Would YOU be happier being with her and these problems or without her ?

 

If your depressed end it. Life is to short to get depressed over a girl. There will be someone 1000 times better for you .

 

As Roary stated, I wouldn't break up with her especially if you love her and all this seems like is a rough patch. If you think about it her trying to take a break because she doesn't want to effect you and bring you down is actually super sweet and it seems like she does really care about you, and she'd rather confine in other people than bring you down with her problems.
Relationships take a lot of work, and I know if you both love each other no matter the amount of time it's taken to fix the problem, it will be 100x better at the end, from personal experience.

 

She ended up breaking up with me last night. I found out for sure that she has no interest in other guys and still loves me, it was really just because of the same reason we went on the break. I guess that solves my problem :\

 

Shame but hopefully you will find someone even better

 

I don't think he should just "try and find better" clearly the both of them still love each other, but she's having problems accepting the fact that she's able to confine in him with her problems.
Maybe a short break up will help this, I wouldn't give up though.

 

Wow man I'm sorry too hear that, just remember keep your head up high things will eventually get better take care man

 

Honestly man I just went through this with my girl of four years in December. We had lived together for two years and she started acting differently, I noticed it and asked continuously about it never got any kind of answers. Then one evening she dropped the bomb and let me know she was leaving. She was bored and promised me that there was no other guy. A little while later she happened to leave her Facebook open on my laptop (we were seeing each other infrequently) and she had been talking to a friend of hers about another guy (before we split) and I gave up. I was torn, was the worst couple weeks of my life. We eventually got back together and have been happy since then (she gave up the other guy and hasn't talked to him since).

Happy endings do happen man, but please be prepared and don't leave yourself defenseless. I wish you best of luck.

 

Thanks for the support everyone, hearing about peoples' experiences do give me hope. I'll see where things are in a couple of weeks, crossing my fingers that they get back on track

@loyal yeah what the fuck that was my exact feeling & situation

 

good idea. Give her space, girls always want their space. if the love you feel is really that strong, it will come back in a week or two, even three. Just let her sort this stuff out and then you can help her later.

If you need to talk man, just message me<3