What Next - Time to give up?

I'll start the post by saying I'm seventeen years old, just for reference.

No, that does not make it acceptable to say "Oh, you've hardly lived at all! Just wait and experience the rest of life!" I've heard that shit enough.

Since the seventh grade I've had issues with depression. I've cut before, but only a few times, each time because I felt like I needed to punish myself for being miserable.

The past summer I went to a doctor and a therapist. I was in therapy all of summer, and after deciding it had accomplished nothing I quit. I was prescribed anti-depressants(Celexa/Citalopram) and took those from June '12 to December '12, when I went cold-turkey. Part of the reason I went cold turkey was because I felt mentally slower because of the drugs, and overall more tired. Since getting the drugs out of my system I feel a lot more clear headed, but things are stressing me out more now, I'm getting angrier, and getting more aggressive thoughts and impulses. A small portion of the reason I went cold turkey on the drugs is because I wanted to suffer. I heard going cold turkey on SSRIs was like torture, which came with electric shock like sensations, chills, heat waves, vertigo, etc. I got over that about a week, and it wasn't like I expected. It was nothing. I don't know why I wanted to punish myself. Maybe I just want attention by saying that, I honestly don't know.

I've been doing better in my classes this semester since getting rid of the drugs, but I feel like giving up again. I'm not interested in doing anything. I don't want to try another SSRI and wait months with some shit side-effects just to SEE if they help or not. I don't want to go back to therapy to waste my time(and gas to drive out there) listening to someone tell me the same things I've already heard dozens of times before.

I've been diagnosed with dysthymia(Wiki it if you want), but I also believe I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I don't give much merit to self-diagnosis, but I have several examples of things for each requirement for diagnosis. I'm just like House from the television show, if you know who I'm talking about.

I'm sick of High School, I'm sick of my parents, I'm sick of the people around me, I'm sick of where I live. I'm even getting sick of the few friends that I have. I look like a Hollister model, I pull great grades out of my ass without trying, I drive a sports car, live in a nice house, have an overpriced smart phone. Everything. Not happy.

I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid mainly of pain and failure. If it wasn't for those two, I would have killed myself a long time ago. I don't want to die in immense pain, trembling from fear thinking "This is it".

I'm alone. No matter how many friends I have or how much people try to make me feel better, I'm still alone. No one TRULY understands how I feel. There is a bottle of hydrocodone(or is it oxycodon?) left in the cabinet from a surgery a family member had a few months back. I've been trying to resist the urge to try it to see if it numbs the pain. To see if it makes it seem like everything in the world is okay. I've heard it does. I'd take them, or snort them whatever, but I figure that in the long run it'd cause more pain. I'd either run out and go through withdrawal, or I'd get caught.

The one thing I'm better at than all else is poker, and I can't even lose a tournament without spiraling into a depressed mood. I feel BARELY in control, just held there by the thoughts of college or getting out of here.

I was opposed to anti-depressants for a long time. I didn't want to take them because I thought they might change who I am. Funny right? The narcissistic judgmental asshole doesn't want to change. I didn't believe that life was worth living if you had to rely on some drug changing the chemicals up in your head. If that was your crutch. The only reason I took them is because I gave up caring. Now I'm at a point where I don't know what I'll stop caring about next. Am I going to end up popping some opiates or something trying to gain control?

I need help, but there isn't anywhere left to get it. Friends can't help me. Family can't help me. Doctors can't help me. Despite how long this post is, it really is rather inadequate in describing my depression issues, but it'll have to do.

 

Man you have to find one thing in your life thats worth fighting for, where for that be school, girls, baseball, football anything. Once you find out what you love about your life come in agreement with yourself and say "im gonna stick it out because I love this". You also have to change your mindset the way you think, a lot of things you cant be great at but that dosent matter its how much you fight and strive for what you want. Everyone falls by the waste side man encourage yourself stick in there because you deserve the right to make yourself happy. You cant give up on yourself because in the end that little fight that you did fight might actually win the war, those small battles you face and mountains you climb strengthen you so you can fight on and keep keeping on man. You just need to remember if you dont fight for yourself me/us your brothers cant help you. We cant motivate you to keep up the good work or tell. You things like "damn man your doin great" you gotta show strength that you wanna live for you and the support will come.

Final words:

Man you need to just do some soul searching, you were brought here for a reason. Take nothing and make it something your future is bright I can tell because if you didnt really want help and you didnt feel you had anything to live for you wouldnt have posted here.

 

Hello dude, I hope you take the time to read this:

I think you're posting non-sense stuff. What do you mean no-one can help you? I am sure if you had the will to get over this you could do it. Stop being so pesimist, it seems you have a nice life beside this depression, who the heck has a sports car/smart phone and all that shit while being just 17 years old? Come on dude, there are people of your age that work their ass off just to have some food. I would understand all your depression & misery if there was just a single reason for you to have it,

No matter how hard the moment your going through is, you should never forget there are always the people that will feel very sad to see you go.

Do you know what happens when we die? You are rushing to find out if you kill yourself. I say try and enjoy this life and be the best person you can until then.

You're NOT alone, you just feel alone. Spend time with your family, I wish I had the chance to see my mother one more time. I had 11 years when she passed away, came from school and found out about it. That, buddy, was misery & depression. You probably have no idea how it feels to lose such a beloved person, what would your family feel if you suddenly "gave up" with your life? I am sure they would be emotionally destroyed.

 

Alright, I'll elaborate. The whole reason I bothered posting about all the things I had wasn't to brag. All this stuff people would be so happy to have don't make me any happier. Look at all this shit I have, and it makes no difference in my happiness. It's not about material objects.

I LOATHE spending time with my family. I isolate myself on the computer as far away as possible from them because they make me angry. I can't even say they're bad parents or anything, I just dislike them. This isn't a test to see how many people would give a shit if I killed myself. If I killed myself I would hope that people would be happy for me, not sad. Regardless, I have to do what's best for myself, not them. You don't sound like someone that knows depression. You sound like someone that knows grief.

I probably have a variety of mental problems. At least it certainly seems that way. If that isn't reason enough for you I don't know what is.

The whole purpose of my post was to try and find another way short of suicide or mind-numbing drugs. I'm sick of empty promises from people who think they know what I go through on a daily basis, and I'm sick of waiting for change.

Apparently people go out and see a big happy world out there. People that can go to school or work or a party and go "I'm glad I'm here" or "this is a great place to be". I WISH I had that, but I don't.

 

I might not fully understand your issue, one thing I do recognize here is that you, yourself, is making the situation even more difficult. Stop thinking that you have mental problems, many people experience Dysthymia and I would say its one of the most common problems nowadays.

You dont need drugs, nor to suicide? You dont need a change, you just need to be a little bit more optimist about life, and that would be the problem here if I am right. You shouldn't isolate dude. I am reading this and I cant even believe it. I think your life might be boring at some point, you're probably bored of your daily rutine and that might lower your self esteem & get you depressed but suiciding or taking drugs isnt the answer to this. I am just a common 18 years old person trying to help you but you need to stop thinking that you have mental problems because you dont.

Thats because you go to those places with the mind already prepared that you will have a bad time and shouldnt be like that. I honestly highly doubt people go out and "see a big happy world out there", it isnt like that

 

I get where the both of you are coming from but whenever you are giving personal support you have to think out of the box, a lot of peoples life may seem to be happy because they have a lot but on the inside there actually not happy because all of the things they have are not actually what there heart desires. Therefore you cant say he is making the situation more difficult. Some things are different with other people man, but like i told him he just needs to get out there and believe in himself and i really think thats what Intergret is trying to say, just believe in yourself man.

 

Depression is not when everything is wrong and you can't deal with it. Depression is when, despite everything being "okay", you still want to die. You can't just snap out of depression. It's a mental disorder.


Promethium,
You may not think anyone truly understands you, you may feel and act like you are alone. But there are many people round about you who would love to help you if they knew how. Stopping taking your anti-D's was a bad move, you need them. I know they slow you down and exhaust you, but after long periods of taking them, they do slowly start to make you feel better, trust me. Get back on your meds, they were prescribed for a reason. Surround yourself with friends an family, as much as you'll hate it, it will stop the feeling of being alone. I know all to well what it's like to be in a room full of people but still feel the ache of loneliness, but it does work. Usually one friend will stick out, who'll ask if you're alright all the time, that'll try to talk to you - don't brush it off with the "I'm just tired," excuse either, tell them how you feel. Sometimes just telling someone everything can take a massive weight off of someones shoulders, or a hug can suddenly relieve all the stress and anger that's built up.


I do truly understand how it feels to wish for death, I have been there myself. So, if you ever need someone just to vent to or need advice, then I'm always here via PM or through Skype.

 

I'm a High School student. I have no friends capable of helping me. They are not emotionally mature enough or patient enough to hear me out. They're too ignorant; their biggest concern is the next math quiz. They wouldn't care about my depression until it ended up being fatal.

I am not getting back on the antidepressants. They are Not worth the trade off. not to mention my doctor is a complete hack. He's condescending and has basically nothing helpful to say. He typically ends up yelling, like my depression is a debate and it'll magically go away if he wins the argument.

I apologize for the spelling errors, I'm on my phone in class and might not catch them.

 

I was in high school when I was at my worst and just having someone give me the chance to vent was enough, whether they understood or not. If your doctor is no use then get yourself to a psychiatric clinic - where they're more than capable of working out what's best for you. You need help and there's no doubt about it. Depression is both a serious and common thing these days and I urge you to get it seen to and treat it.

 

You know what I'm sick of this. Why SHOULDN'T I kill myself? Does anybody have a legitimate reason?

Can you honestly tell me not to kill myself, when there isn't a single day where I don't wake up wishing I hadn't?

I was sitting around all day today and I just wanted to SCREAM. I am SO sick of the same routine. Every day. For fucking years. I am sick and tired of it, and all I wanted was to escape. And I come home and all I have to do is sit and play some meaningless video games because I hardly have any friends or anything to do.

What? Should I get a hobby? Should I go work out? Fuck you. That doesn't solve any of my fucking problems.

I don't believe in heaven or hell. I believe that we're biological machines and once we're dead, it's lights out. But at least lights out doesn't include being miserable and pissed off every day.

 

You have the future to live for. You might be at rock bottom right now, but many people have been in your position before, and made it through to go on and live happy lives. There's no reason why you can't, you're no different to them. And yes, getting a hobby and maybe going out to work will help - whether you think it will or not.

Stay strong, you wont regret it.

 

Could say I was kinda right when I said you probably have a daily routine, and thats were your depression comes from. I told you this because its something I experienced too when I was in high school. Once you finish school that routine will entirely change.

I think telling you to get hobbies or go outside will not help at all, as its something you might hear all day long. You should just be strong as you are a young individual and still have a future to live for, as Rwm said. You need to get those black thoughs out of your head, otherwise you will be torturing yourself everyday. For now just try to be a nice person, I know you said you hate it, but try to spend time with your family and try to be positive most of the time. Will be a hard challenge but seriously you should give it a shot.

I really wanna help you dude, I think suiciding is the stupidest thing you could ever do as you are still young and you're just entering the real world.

 

I went for the hydrocodone.

But it wasn't there. Guess it got moved. Guess I got lucky.

I'm getting back into cash poker online and I'm starting Krav Maga soon. I figure it'll help me channel my anger and maybe the exercise will make me feel better. Plus it'll stroke my ego knowing I can beat the shit out of someone.

 

Trust me, working out will relieve you from much stress. I remember before I started working out, I was stressed out about everything even about how I looked but once I started working out, I felt much much better. Also, have you ever looked into boxing? You can release your anger through that maybe?

You have something to live for, you just haven't found it yet. Just hang in there.

 

^ was just about to recommend this. find a channel man. it'll seriously do wonders.

stay strong bro <3

 

I'm actually on celexa myself, and some of the withdrawals mentally and physically are terrible. The stress you're currently feeling could be extremely exasperated by that, so I wouldn't do anything hasty.

 

You know, I knew a person that was similar to you. He was smart. Good looking. Well off. But he had one problem - depression.

I could never understand it. None of us could - I'm sure that's something you'd agree with. He became addicted to drugs - specifically, heroin. And we really thought we'd lose him.

He felt no reason to hold on to life anymore. He was trying to think things rationally - what's the point of living, if the end is death? It's a question none of us can answer - by rational means that is.

His wife was pregnant. While it looked like this man would commit suicide anytime now, we tried to convince him to hold on. To make sure his child had a father.

Surely enough, his wife gave birth to a baby boy. And everything changed. No more depression. No more drugs. His new meaning for life was to take care of the one thing that meant most to him - his son.

This man was my uncle.

Moral of the story here is that something as irrational as an emotion (such as love) can have more power over our decisions than rational thoughts. Anger, aggression, and whatnot, are all emotions. I don't know if these are what my uncle experienced while he had depression, but I sure as well know what he experienced after depression.

That is, I know what he experienced on the forefront. I can never understand how a son could change someone's life completely. But who am I to speak? Who are you to speak? We haven't been there. All we can do now is imagine - and perhaps, the sensation itself is much greater than our imagination can contemplate. And perhaps, this is why we'll never understand it, until we experience it for ourselves.

 

Also, excuse the double post, but if you have time, read the following article:

http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html

And please, read all of it. Don't just skim through. I personally find it to be brilliant.

 

Try to find something worth fighting for, why not get a dog and just play with a dog or get a cat, animals and people tend to rely on each-other with emotions, and that may help and it may make you feel better and you will know somebody is around to cuddle with you or make you have a smile on your face.

 

Content-wise, this is the most useful post as of yet, probably because it's not someone telling me to look on the bright side of life and someone giving me something factual.

I had overlooked that possibility because the physical symptoms of withdrawal had gone after roughly a week. I suppose it is possible my brain chemistry is still a little off.

I appreciate all the support, and sheer number of individuals that have posted in the thread. You don't even have to help, just the fact that people are trying means a lot to me, and I really appreciate it.

Before I took on the anti-depressants, I'd get regular waves of depression lasting 2-3 days where I experience suicidal thoughts, almost to the point where it's all I can think about. These waves seem to happen once or twice a month. Most the time they're triggered by something, but sometimes they're not. If anyone knows anything about why this is, I'd really like to hear it.

I'm feeling a lot better at the moment, I guess the 'wave' is over.