- Joined
- Feb 14, 2013
- Sythe Gold
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I can't believe I'm posting in this forum, and I doubt anything will come of it, but I'll type out my story and maybe someone who's been here will have some advice.
I'm 23 years old, I'll be 24 next month. Between the ages of 16-22 I didn't spend three consecutive days sober even once. At 16 I was just trying whatever I could get my hands on. "Triple C's" AKA Dextramethorphan was super popular in my school amongst all the dumb kids. That was my first high. After that first night of awful tripping and feeling uncomfortably tingly for 6 hours straight, I kept doing it. I started smoking weed, taking painkillers, literally whatever I could get my hands on in high school. It wasn't as big of a problem at this point, but it started out here.
At 17 I started drinking. My mom bought a couple bottles of Captain Morgan for my 17th birthday and I had some friends over. I honestly don't remember much from that night but I know I liked the way it made me act and I had a fun time. So I kept drinking. At first it was just a casual 12 beers a day, but when I started partying it turned into a bottle of Evan Williams Honey a day, and then two, and then three a day. I was a full blown alcoholic until I was about 20.
At 20 I had a bit too much to drink and decided I wanted to go see Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter with a friend. I was two bottles in at this point, but it sounded like an adventure and I was always down for an adventure. I drove. On the way there I saw a couple walking down the side of the street. I stood up as I was driving and had about half my body out the window to yell "THESE GUYS KNOW HOW TO PARTY" at them, or something stupid like that. Well, during this 10 second period or so I had drifted into the other lane, which was for oncoming traffic. A truck driving in the opposite direction hit me, completely snapping my humerus in half. My arm then smacked the side of my own car, shattering my wrist and two fingertips (lol).
THAT'S WHEN I DISCOVERED MY LOVE FOR OPIATES! After driving myself to the ER, sitting in the lobby bleeding all over their floor for about 30 minutes, they shot me up with Dilaudid (hydromorphone). I had taken painkillers before, but this was in my high school days, I had completely forgotten how wonderful this feeling was. A big warm hug from the inside. Suddenly I don't give a fuck that my arm was snapped in half. This feeling was all I needed.
My doctor had me on two 8mg Dilaudid a day for the first month. At this time I had no tolerance, so one Dilly was more than enough for me to feel wonderful. The next month she switched me to 30mg Roxycodone. This continued for another 3 months or so.
Eventually they cut me off. I couldn't get that feeling I loved so much anymore. I had to resort to buying pills from people I know because I couldn't imagine not having that feeling of warmth and happiness. So that's what I did. At first I only needed one of those 8mg Dilaudid to get me where I needed to be, or 30mg of Oxycodone. That didn't last long though. Within a couple months I was up to 120mg of Oxy 2-3 times a day. I was getting a good price at $.50/mg, but that's still a minimum of $120 spent every single day. A lot more than a pizza delivery driver/half-ass drug dealer can afford. I had to find another way to get this feeling.
I'm sure you already know what's next. I tried just about everything I could before resorting to heroin, finding Fentanyl patches because they're powerful and cheap, taking synthetic Opioids like Nucynta (can't remember the actual name), but it was inevitable. I eventually got my first 2 bags of dope, and for $30 I got the same feeling I was getting from the $120+ I was spending on Oxys. I started out just sniffing the bags, but that's inefficient and I'm all about efficiency and getting as high as I possibly can, so I started shooting it. My first time was with my "friend"/dealer. He offered to hit me the first time so he can show me what I'm doing. We went down the street from the house he was living in at the time to the public bathroom of a fishing pier nearby. He taught me how to tie up, find a good vein, get the blood pressure up so the veins will show, how much water to put in the spoon, and eventually, how to use the rig for an instant high. He hit me that first time and I fell in love all over again.
Anyways, I continued that for a while, had a couple near death experiences...some hilarious, some not so much... and decided it was time for me to quit. I had one last party with my closest friends. We drank, we rapped. There were plenty of bottles, there was dope, there was blow, everything I loved. I told them I had planned on quitting. I was incredibly sad but I had to do it. So I did.
I started off buying Suboxone from a friend of mine. For those that don't know Suboxone is basically an opiate withdrawal medicine, you take it to maintain your dependency while having a clear head and not being high until you're ready to get off of that and be completely clean. Eventually he ran out of Subs, so I turned to my doctor. I was on about four days of no pills, dope, subs, or anything else and the withdrawals were INTENSE. I laid in bed the entire four days until it was time for my appointment. I didn't eat at all. I ached in places that I didn't know could ache. I was freezing underneath of my blankets but I was sweating profusely. My doctor and I are very close but she, like most people, had no idea the severity of my problem. She told me an inspirational story about her 8 year old daughter failing a test, then studying super hard and passing the test the following week, and for whatever reason, I just burst out into tears. We still laugh about that to this day. She ended up sending me to a suboxone clinic.
I've been going to that clinic ever since. It's been about 11 months now. It feels great to be clean...but not really. It feels great in the sense that I know I am beating my addiction for now, but nothing feels right. I was always a party guy, always with at least 3 of my closest friends. I'd work, go out with my friends, sleep for a couple hours, then repeat the same process the next day. But without drugs, I can't find happiness in anything that I do. I've tried just about everything. Dating, hanging out with my friends sober, exploring nature, playing video games, creating music (my biggest passion) and still, nothing excites me. After doing all of those things high my entire life, I get no joy at all from doing them sober. I've become super distant from everyone I know and love. My best friends haven't seen me in months outside of work, where they occasionally stop by to see me and tell me I should go out with them. I say I will, then get home and decide not to. I can't find a single thing on this earth that makes me genuinely happy. I breifly dated a beautiful woman who I had the biggest crush on for months, not even that was enjoyable. My life consists of working, coming home, fucking around on the computer or watching TV, then going to sleep. I haven't even seen my parents in months because I'm a completely different person, both for better and for worse.
So I'm curious. Especially of the people here who have dealt with severe depression, what have you found that makes you happy? Also, what was the trigger, or lightswitch that flicked on in your head and made you snap out of it? Because I've been here for 11 months and it seems there's no end in sight, no matter what I do.
TL;DR life sucks without drugs and if I didn't have people that I care about and that care about me I'd have blown my brains out already.
I'm 23 years old, I'll be 24 next month. Between the ages of 16-22 I didn't spend three consecutive days sober even once. At 16 I was just trying whatever I could get my hands on. "Triple C's" AKA Dextramethorphan was super popular in my school amongst all the dumb kids. That was my first high. After that first night of awful tripping and feeling uncomfortably tingly for 6 hours straight, I kept doing it. I started smoking weed, taking painkillers, literally whatever I could get my hands on in high school. It wasn't as big of a problem at this point, but it started out here.
At 17 I started drinking. My mom bought a couple bottles of Captain Morgan for my 17th birthday and I had some friends over. I honestly don't remember much from that night but I know I liked the way it made me act and I had a fun time. So I kept drinking. At first it was just a casual 12 beers a day, but when I started partying it turned into a bottle of Evan Williams Honey a day, and then two, and then three a day. I was a full blown alcoholic until I was about 20.
At 20 I had a bit too much to drink and decided I wanted to go see Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter with a friend. I was two bottles in at this point, but it sounded like an adventure and I was always down for an adventure. I drove. On the way there I saw a couple walking down the side of the street. I stood up as I was driving and had about half my body out the window to yell "THESE GUYS KNOW HOW TO PARTY" at them, or something stupid like that. Well, during this 10 second period or so I had drifted into the other lane, which was for oncoming traffic. A truck driving in the opposite direction hit me, completely snapping my humerus in half. My arm then smacked the side of my own car, shattering my wrist and two fingertips (lol).
THAT'S WHEN I DISCOVERED MY LOVE FOR OPIATES! After driving myself to the ER, sitting in the lobby bleeding all over their floor for about 30 minutes, they shot me up with Dilaudid (hydromorphone). I had taken painkillers before, but this was in my high school days, I had completely forgotten how wonderful this feeling was. A big warm hug from the inside. Suddenly I don't give a fuck that my arm was snapped in half. This feeling was all I needed.
My doctor had me on two 8mg Dilaudid a day for the first month. At this time I had no tolerance, so one Dilly was more than enough for me to feel wonderful. The next month she switched me to 30mg Roxycodone. This continued for another 3 months or so.
Eventually they cut me off. I couldn't get that feeling I loved so much anymore. I had to resort to buying pills from people I know because I couldn't imagine not having that feeling of warmth and happiness. So that's what I did. At first I only needed one of those 8mg Dilaudid to get me where I needed to be, or 30mg of Oxycodone. That didn't last long though. Within a couple months I was up to 120mg of Oxy 2-3 times a day. I was getting a good price at $.50/mg, but that's still a minimum of $120 spent every single day. A lot more than a pizza delivery driver/half-ass drug dealer can afford. I had to find another way to get this feeling.
I'm sure you already know what's next. I tried just about everything I could before resorting to heroin, finding Fentanyl patches because they're powerful and cheap, taking synthetic Opioids like Nucynta (can't remember the actual name), but it was inevitable. I eventually got my first 2 bags of dope, and for $30 I got the same feeling I was getting from the $120+ I was spending on Oxys. I started out just sniffing the bags, but that's inefficient and I'm all about efficiency and getting as high as I possibly can, so I started shooting it. My first time was with my "friend"/dealer. He offered to hit me the first time so he can show me what I'm doing. We went down the street from the house he was living in at the time to the public bathroom of a fishing pier nearby. He taught me how to tie up, find a good vein, get the blood pressure up so the veins will show, how much water to put in the spoon, and eventually, how to use the rig for an instant high. He hit me that first time and I fell in love all over again.
Anyways, I continued that for a while, had a couple near death experiences...some hilarious, some not so much... and decided it was time for me to quit. I had one last party with my closest friends. We drank, we rapped. There were plenty of bottles, there was dope, there was blow, everything I loved. I told them I had planned on quitting. I was incredibly sad but I had to do it. So I did.
I started off buying Suboxone from a friend of mine. For those that don't know Suboxone is basically an opiate withdrawal medicine, you take it to maintain your dependency while having a clear head and not being high until you're ready to get off of that and be completely clean. Eventually he ran out of Subs, so I turned to my doctor. I was on about four days of no pills, dope, subs, or anything else and the withdrawals were INTENSE. I laid in bed the entire four days until it was time for my appointment. I didn't eat at all. I ached in places that I didn't know could ache. I was freezing underneath of my blankets but I was sweating profusely. My doctor and I are very close but she, like most people, had no idea the severity of my problem. She told me an inspirational story about her 8 year old daughter failing a test, then studying super hard and passing the test the following week, and for whatever reason, I just burst out into tears. We still laugh about that to this day. She ended up sending me to a suboxone clinic.
I've been going to that clinic ever since. It's been about 11 months now. It feels great to be clean...but not really. It feels great in the sense that I know I am beating my addiction for now, but nothing feels right. I was always a party guy, always with at least 3 of my closest friends. I'd work, go out with my friends, sleep for a couple hours, then repeat the same process the next day. But without drugs, I can't find happiness in anything that I do. I've tried just about everything. Dating, hanging out with my friends sober, exploring nature, playing video games, creating music (my biggest passion) and still, nothing excites me. After doing all of those things high my entire life, I get no joy at all from doing them sober. I've become super distant from everyone I know and love. My best friends haven't seen me in months outside of work, where they occasionally stop by to see me and tell me I should go out with them. I say I will, then get home and decide not to. I can't find a single thing on this earth that makes me genuinely happy. I breifly dated a beautiful woman who I had the biggest crush on for months, not even that was enjoyable. My life consists of working, coming home, fucking around on the computer or watching TV, then going to sleep. I haven't even seen my parents in months because I'm a completely different person, both for better and for worse.
So I'm curious. Especially of the people here who have dealt with severe depression, what have you found that makes you happy? Also, what was the trigger, or lightswitch that flicked on in your head and made you snap out of it? Because I've been here for 11 months and it seems there's no end in sight, no matter what I do.
TL;DR life sucks without drugs and if I didn't have people that I care about and that care about me I'd have blown my brains out already.
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and also eat healthy. But at least go for a walk / jogging
