- Joined
- Feb 3, 2007
- Sythe Gold
- 49
- Messages
- 4,129
- Age
- 32
You're about to see my longest post on sythe. It's long, deep and completely sincere. I've tried to make it as cohesive and interesting as possible. Inb4 tl;dr.
Recommended listening while viewing
[YOUTUBE]kPBzTxZQG5Q[/YOUTUBE]
I've always felt that I'd outgrow this site eventually. I first joined this site in 2006. I was 12 when I joined. I'm almost 19 now. Seven long years. I've been here for over a 1/3 of my life. That's a darn long time. More time than I would have expected as a twelve year old.
Often I find myself ravaging through posts from years ago, if to understand it more than anything. I've also come to understand that one day ill leave this site behind and move on, if it isn't destroyed first. If I comprehend the amount of time I've invested on this site, I'd naturally want to leave something behind. This would probably be hard for most people to understand. A minority would understand what I'm talking about. It's not easy to explain. Sometimes I wonder if its the same reason some other people have stuck around.
I've taken breaks of significant lengths before. Many, dozens. But I always took them with the intention of returning. Sometimes I was forced into them. I probably hold the distinction of having the most permanent bans in Sythe history. I've been pardoned twice. I have almost accepted the fact that the next one won't be reversed. Almost. Which leads me to the next point, I've almost accepted that the next break I take will be the end of it. Ill hang up a deacon frost-esque message in my signature and never look back. I owe myself that much.
For a long time, too long, I've been seen as the troll. It's an unfair tag. I moved away from trolling a long time ago. The day of my second stint as a user educator was the last day I wanted to be seen as a troll. I made it clear to the forum. After a couple of months I thought it washed away. I became a moderator. I genuinely tried to be a good user. One that contributed. I eventually stepped down after I saw the many injustices of the site. People who weren't a part of Finns reign here wouldn't understand the full volume of it. I planned to return once I felt that these injustices were no longer present.
When I first joined, I devised a small quote in my signature. It was the cool thing to do back in 2007. "Heart, Pride and Soul". Although those words have long washed away from my signature, to an extent they've always followed me on Sythe. It's how I conduct myself on this forum. Too often my pride has been mistaken for arrogance. Too often my heart has been mistaken for hatred. Too often my soul has been mistaken for trolling.
If it took me three months for me to remove the trolling tag, it took three posts to regain it. After I tried rectifying the injustices I mentioned earlier during the Finn is Dishonest period, I was labeled a failed staff member of the past. By whom, by Sythe himself. I built a resentment. Towards the site, towards its users. By far the biggest resentment was aimed at the staff, most notably those who were present at the time. I don't think that resentment has ever faded. A day later I was banned. Completely unfairly. I did not break any rules that deserved such a punishment.
I let a couple of weeks pass before I applied for a pardon. A pardon that I did not even feel I should be posting. I garnered support quick enough, only for it to be vetoed by Finn. Give me my time back I would never have posted that pardon. In fact, I probably wouldn't have posted the pardon that led to my unban. I can't change time though. I can only act on the present. Which is probably why I look back at all those old threads, to understand why I'm still here.
Deep down, I always knew Finn would be banned. It was the only justice that could have come out of the whole debacle. I also like to believe it was the actions of me and Tyro that day the triggered the chain of events that led to his ban. I'm glad Tyro still floats around the site. A sense of companionship towards him developed that day. He occasionally inboxes me, and I like to think he feels the same way. I hope he reads this. He's one of the few people who I think could fully understand it.
I can't stand the staff. As much as I tell Govind I forgive him for banning me that fateful day, I will always have an underlying resentment towards him. He was one of the few people who could have done something to stop Finn. The only reason I haven't turned that resentment into anger is because he has show genuine remorse for what he did. FireZ is someone I probably will never respect. He was one of the many staff who sat back and did nothing while Finn was on his reign of evil. He let Finn carry out death warrants. He only opposed him when he knew his account wouldn't face any repercussions. He's a total coward.
The ode in my signature bears significant meaning. Maybe after reading the above you will understand why I keep it there. People can pass it off as attention whoring, it doesn't bother me. I know better. I constantly find myself sympathizing with the Spyikes and Stuis. As much as their actions are despicable, I can't help but feel they were pushed. Especially Spyike. He never deserved to be banned. As much as me and him disagreed, we are very much alike. I understand his actions, even though I don't condone them. I whole heartedly believe they were good users in unfortunate circumstances. Sometimes placed there with nothing they could do.
Surprisingly, when Finn applied for a pardon, I felt an urge to support him. I don't fully understand why. I have suspicions. One of the only reason I can muster is that I'm actually a nice guy. I'm one of the nicest people on this site deep down. I understand the value of time. I think deep down he cared about the site, if only he didn't let his greed get the better of him I think we could have become good friends. He spent a lot of time on this site. I feel the least he could be given is a chance to rectify his mistakes. If only to remove the dirty after taste he left in the mouths of many on this site. Maybe my reasons are a little more selfish.The only thing I know is I want an apology from him. I feel I deserve that much.
I'm less forgiving of people like Pen and Plznate. In my eyes, their crimes are more heinous. They were willing to throw away their time on this site because of their greed. The fact that FireZ supported his pardon infuriated me. That is why I still have the Plznate piece in my signature even after his pardon has long since been buried. Like I've said before, I value time. I can't understand how they were able to do what they did. I sincerely hope they're never unbanned
Since my unban I've done nothing to try to dispel the troll tag. I see no point in it, given how easily it can be regained. A part of me wants me to be remembered as someone who stood for something. But the two do not go hand in hand. Every post I make will be dismissed as a troll. It not worth the effort. Maybe that's why I'm writing this. To dispel it. To be understood.
Another thing I'm sure of is that this will be my last year on Sythe. One day, ill log out and never come back. Whether its tomorrow, next week or next month, I'm unsure. I dream of leaving a legacy, but it's too far away to even imagine leaving a positive one. I have no idea what ill gain from posting this. Maybe a couple of posts and it will fade into oblivion. Maybe it's something I can look back at way down in the future and be able to say I tried. A day in the future when I'm no longer Magic Arrow, or marrow, but another guest looking back and remembering.
________
I'm going to be frank. Finn banning me is only a small portion of my despair. If I'm completely honest, I knew I was going to be banned. It's almost like a sacrificed myself because I couldn't stand the thought of bowing down. I think that's my biggest problem. I've never been able to accept being treated unjustly. The worst part of FID was being thrown under the bus. I stood up for a whole community when I didn't have to. I could've sat back and been a spectator. I threw away all the hard work I put in to changing the image I'd been branded with. I could live with being banned. What hurt was the way I was treated in the aftermath of it all.
The staff annoyed me. I found it hard to trust them as people. These were the same people who I served with as a staff member. The same people who had nothing but good to say about me during my tenure. The moment I was banned everything flipped. Everybody used to talk about how much I'd changed. How good I was. Indeed, I stayed away from any trouble. After the outcome of FID was announced, it was almost like the previous good work never happened. I was Marrow the troll again. They branded me with that. I did nothing to deserve it. They'd ridiculed me completely.
The following weeks did nothing to improve my situation. Nick, who I'd had many great conversation, we were almost friends, immediately turned on me. In my pardon, he said that he felt that the reform had been completely faked. That was infuriating. Where was all of this before? I felt betrayed. Maybe because I knew if we swapped places I would certainly not have done the same.
I've always sympathised with the regular users of Sythe. There's a quote that I've read before that says we support the underdog because we see ourselves in them. This was certainly my case. I'd been active for a long time. I won't lie, I'd wanted to be a moderator for as long I remember. I'd stalk the announcement section, waiting for threads announcing new mods. I'd open the thread in hope of finding my name in them. For two years this was all in vane. I watched on as people I felt were less deserving were promoted time and time again. People who's only distinction above me was the fact they were willing to befriend staff. It wasn't fair.
Luckily for me, I'd resigned just weeks before FID. That's the only reason I can get my ex staff rank. On a technicality. After FID, I was pretty much demoted. I'd lost any chance of returning onto the team. Ever. I know Syed feels the same about his situation. The ban was just the cherry on top. I'm not sure I would've stayed anyway. But it still infuriates me, that while I left on my own accord, deep down ill always feel like I was kicked off the team. For speaking my mind. For holding principles.
I won't lie, as moderators we were powerless to stop Finn. There were few users who were capable of actually challenging Finn. This is why FID was so significant. Tyro was one of the few users who were capable of changing things. Which is why I jumped on the wagon after being silent for so long. The only regret I have is that I wasn't still a staff member. If I had still been staff, I'm sure others would have come forward to. As things happened, that wasn't the case. Still, I was fresh off the staff team. I had some insight. And I definitely had an opinion.
FID had overwhelming proof which was dismissed. No staff member can say that they were oblivious to the systems which Finn was running. It was blatantly obvious. Finn did have his own cliques. But there were definitely doubters on the staff. Privately we'd talked about it. About how corrupt he was. You had to be careful though. Any hint of a revolt against Finn led to your dismissal. I understand why staff didn't post on FID. But I can't accept the fact they cowered. They had one chance to post their opinions. They took the selfish route, even if it was understandable. I wouldn't have done the same though. Any staff member who says he was oblivious to it is a LIAR.
I resort to trolling whenever I feel I'm being mistreated. Call it immature, call it moronic. It's almost a silent protest. Nothing is more disrespectful than having a complaint dismissed, sometimes without reason. Why should I waste my time with a serious response if they won't take me seriously? I've had days where I've gotten numerous infractions on purpose. Right now I'm on six infractions. I'm harmless. I don't do anything malicious. It's just how I portray my frustration. It's the only way I know how to portray it. Some people scam. I flame.
For every user who survived Finns era, there was two who were forced off the site. That's the saddest part of this whole debacle. So many good users are gone. It still happens today, on a much smaller scale. I sympathise with Laptop and Deathsnova, they're two modern examples. They are treated like absolute shit, even by staff. Do you expect them to be model users? Of course they won't be, they been barraged beyond repair. They know they won't be given staff, it's a sad reality. Staff is recognition. Take away a users ambitions and your left with users who have nothing to lose. They have nothing to gain either. The only reason they're still here is because they care. They might be trolls, but beneath all that you'll find nothing but good intentions. Nobody joins Sythe to grief. Some join to scam. Some are forced to scam.
I won't lie. There are times where I feel like destroying it all. Doing something that will get my account deleted. But that would be letting them win. That would be giving up. Anyone who knows me knows how persistent I am. I've always been a people's person. I stand up for the things I don't think are right. I know I'm a good user to this site. I know that i can contribute. But I want other people to see that too. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. But then again, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. After all, there were users who had to deal with a lot less shit who aren't here anymore. I don't want to be seen as a martyr, all I want is to be taken seriously.
Recommended listening while viewing
[YOUTUBE]kPBzTxZQG5Q[/YOUTUBE]
I've always felt that I'd outgrow this site eventually. I first joined this site in 2006. I was 12 when I joined. I'm almost 19 now. Seven long years. I've been here for over a 1/3 of my life. That's a darn long time. More time than I would have expected as a twelve year old.
Often I find myself ravaging through posts from years ago, if to understand it more than anything. I've also come to understand that one day ill leave this site behind and move on, if it isn't destroyed first. If I comprehend the amount of time I've invested on this site, I'd naturally want to leave something behind. This would probably be hard for most people to understand. A minority would understand what I'm talking about. It's not easy to explain. Sometimes I wonder if its the same reason some other people have stuck around.
I've taken breaks of significant lengths before. Many, dozens. But I always took them with the intention of returning. Sometimes I was forced into them. I probably hold the distinction of having the most permanent bans in Sythe history. I've been pardoned twice. I have almost accepted the fact that the next one won't be reversed. Almost. Which leads me to the next point, I've almost accepted that the next break I take will be the end of it. Ill hang up a deacon frost-esque message in my signature and never look back. I owe myself that much.
For a long time, too long, I've been seen as the troll. It's an unfair tag. I moved away from trolling a long time ago. The day of my second stint as a user educator was the last day I wanted to be seen as a troll. I made it clear to the forum. After a couple of months I thought it washed away. I became a moderator. I genuinely tried to be a good user. One that contributed. I eventually stepped down after I saw the many injustices of the site. People who weren't a part of Finns reign here wouldn't understand the full volume of it. I planned to return once I felt that these injustices were no longer present.
When I first joined, I devised a small quote in my signature. It was the cool thing to do back in 2007. "Heart, Pride and Soul". Although those words have long washed away from my signature, to an extent they've always followed me on Sythe. It's how I conduct myself on this forum. Too often my pride has been mistaken for arrogance. Too often my heart has been mistaken for hatred. Too often my soul has been mistaken for trolling.
If it took me three months for me to remove the trolling tag, it took three posts to regain it. After I tried rectifying the injustices I mentioned earlier during the Finn is Dishonest period, I was labeled a failed staff member of the past. By whom, by Sythe himself. I built a resentment. Towards the site, towards its users. By far the biggest resentment was aimed at the staff, most notably those who were present at the time. I don't think that resentment has ever faded. A day later I was banned. Completely unfairly. I did not break any rules that deserved such a punishment.
I let a couple of weeks pass before I applied for a pardon. A pardon that I did not even feel I should be posting. I garnered support quick enough, only for it to be vetoed by Finn. Give me my time back I would never have posted that pardon. In fact, I probably wouldn't have posted the pardon that led to my unban. I can't change time though. I can only act on the present. Which is probably why I look back at all those old threads, to understand why I'm still here.
Deep down, I always knew Finn would be banned. It was the only justice that could have come out of the whole debacle. I also like to believe it was the actions of me and Tyro that day the triggered the chain of events that led to his ban. I'm glad Tyro still floats around the site. A sense of companionship towards him developed that day. He occasionally inboxes me, and I like to think he feels the same way. I hope he reads this. He's one of the few people who I think could fully understand it.
I can't stand the staff. As much as I tell Govind I forgive him for banning me that fateful day, I will always have an underlying resentment towards him. He was one of the few people who could have done something to stop Finn. The only reason I haven't turned that resentment into anger is because he has show genuine remorse for what he did. FireZ is someone I probably will never respect. He was one of the many staff who sat back and did nothing while Finn was on his reign of evil. He let Finn carry out death warrants. He only opposed him when he knew his account wouldn't face any repercussions. He's a total coward.
The ode in my signature bears significant meaning. Maybe after reading the above you will understand why I keep it there. People can pass it off as attention whoring, it doesn't bother me. I know better. I constantly find myself sympathizing with the Spyikes and Stuis. As much as their actions are despicable, I can't help but feel they were pushed. Especially Spyike. He never deserved to be banned. As much as me and him disagreed, we are very much alike. I understand his actions, even though I don't condone them. I whole heartedly believe they were good users in unfortunate circumstances. Sometimes placed there with nothing they could do.
Surprisingly, when Finn applied for a pardon, I felt an urge to support him. I don't fully understand why. I have suspicions. One of the only reason I can muster is that I'm actually a nice guy. I'm one of the nicest people on this site deep down. I understand the value of time. I think deep down he cared about the site, if only he didn't let his greed get the better of him I think we could have become good friends. He spent a lot of time on this site. I feel the least he could be given is a chance to rectify his mistakes. If only to remove the dirty after taste he left in the mouths of many on this site. Maybe my reasons are a little more selfish.The only thing I know is I want an apology from him. I feel I deserve that much.
I'm less forgiving of people like Pen and Plznate. In my eyes, their crimes are more heinous. They were willing to throw away their time on this site because of their greed. The fact that FireZ supported his pardon infuriated me. That is why I still have the Plznate piece in my signature even after his pardon has long since been buried. Like I've said before, I value time. I can't understand how they were able to do what they did. I sincerely hope they're never unbanned
Since my unban I've done nothing to try to dispel the troll tag. I see no point in it, given how easily it can be regained. A part of me wants me to be remembered as someone who stood for something. But the two do not go hand in hand. Every post I make will be dismissed as a troll. It not worth the effort. Maybe that's why I'm writing this. To dispel it. To be understood.
Another thing I'm sure of is that this will be my last year on Sythe. One day, ill log out and never come back. Whether its tomorrow, next week or next month, I'm unsure. I dream of leaving a legacy, but it's too far away to even imagine leaving a positive one. I have no idea what ill gain from posting this. Maybe a couple of posts and it will fade into oblivion. Maybe it's something I can look back at way down in the future and be able to say I tried. A day in the future when I'm no longer Magic Arrow, or marrow, but another guest looking back and remembering.
________
I'm going to be frank. Finn banning me is only a small portion of my despair. If I'm completely honest, I knew I was going to be banned. It's almost like a sacrificed myself because I couldn't stand the thought of bowing down. I think that's my biggest problem. I've never been able to accept being treated unjustly. The worst part of FID was being thrown under the bus. I stood up for a whole community when I didn't have to. I could've sat back and been a spectator. I threw away all the hard work I put in to changing the image I'd been branded with. I could live with being banned. What hurt was the way I was treated in the aftermath of it all.
The staff annoyed me. I found it hard to trust them as people. These were the same people who I served with as a staff member. The same people who had nothing but good to say about me during my tenure. The moment I was banned everything flipped. Everybody used to talk about how much I'd changed. How good I was. Indeed, I stayed away from any trouble. After the outcome of FID was announced, it was almost like the previous good work never happened. I was Marrow the troll again. They branded me with that. I did nothing to deserve it. They'd ridiculed me completely.
The following weeks did nothing to improve my situation. Nick, who I'd had many great conversation, we were almost friends, immediately turned on me. In my pardon, he said that he felt that the reform had been completely faked. That was infuriating. Where was all of this before? I felt betrayed. Maybe because I knew if we swapped places I would certainly not have done the same.
I've always sympathised with the regular users of Sythe. There's a quote that I've read before that says we support the underdog because we see ourselves in them. This was certainly my case. I'd been active for a long time. I won't lie, I'd wanted to be a moderator for as long I remember. I'd stalk the announcement section, waiting for threads announcing new mods. I'd open the thread in hope of finding my name in them. For two years this was all in vane. I watched on as people I felt were less deserving were promoted time and time again. People who's only distinction above me was the fact they were willing to befriend staff. It wasn't fair.
Luckily for me, I'd resigned just weeks before FID. That's the only reason I can get my ex staff rank. On a technicality. After FID, I was pretty much demoted. I'd lost any chance of returning onto the team. Ever. I know Syed feels the same about his situation. The ban was just the cherry on top. I'm not sure I would've stayed anyway. But it still infuriates me, that while I left on my own accord, deep down ill always feel like I was kicked off the team. For speaking my mind. For holding principles.
I won't lie, as moderators we were powerless to stop Finn. There were few users who were capable of actually challenging Finn. This is why FID was so significant. Tyro was one of the few users who were capable of changing things. Which is why I jumped on the wagon after being silent for so long. The only regret I have is that I wasn't still a staff member. If I had still been staff, I'm sure others would have come forward to. As things happened, that wasn't the case. Still, I was fresh off the staff team. I had some insight. And I definitely had an opinion.
FID had overwhelming proof which was dismissed. No staff member can say that they were oblivious to the systems which Finn was running. It was blatantly obvious. Finn did have his own cliques. But there were definitely doubters on the staff. Privately we'd talked about it. About how corrupt he was. You had to be careful though. Any hint of a revolt against Finn led to your dismissal. I understand why staff didn't post on FID. But I can't accept the fact they cowered. They had one chance to post their opinions. They took the selfish route, even if it was understandable. I wouldn't have done the same though. Any staff member who says he was oblivious to it is a LIAR.
I resort to trolling whenever I feel I'm being mistreated. Call it immature, call it moronic. It's almost a silent protest. Nothing is more disrespectful than having a complaint dismissed, sometimes without reason. Why should I waste my time with a serious response if they won't take me seriously? I've had days where I've gotten numerous infractions on purpose. Right now I'm on six infractions. I'm harmless. I don't do anything malicious. It's just how I portray my frustration. It's the only way I know how to portray it. Some people scam. I flame.
For every user who survived Finns era, there was two who were forced off the site. That's the saddest part of this whole debacle. So many good users are gone. It still happens today, on a much smaller scale. I sympathise with Laptop and Deathsnova, they're two modern examples. They are treated like absolute shit, even by staff. Do you expect them to be model users? Of course they won't be, they been barraged beyond repair. They know they won't be given staff, it's a sad reality. Staff is recognition. Take away a users ambitions and your left with users who have nothing to lose. They have nothing to gain either. The only reason they're still here is because they care. They might be trolls, but beneath all that you'll find nothing but good intentions. Nobody joins Sythe to grief. Some join to scam. Some are forced to scam.
I won't lie. There are times where I feel like destroying it all. Doing something that will get my account deleted. But that would be letting them win. That would be giving up. Anyone who knows me knows how persistent I am. I've always been a people's person. I stand up for the things I don't think are right. I know I'm a good user to this site. I know that i can contribute. But I want other people to see that too. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit. But then again, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. After all, there were users who had to deal with a lot less shit who aren't here anymore. I don't want to be seen as a martyr, all I want is to be taken seriously.
