Trust issues w/ new girlfriend

[Promethium91]

I don't see my therapist for a few weeks since she's taking off 4th of July week and such and going on a long vacation, so I don't have my normal person to talk to about things so I guess I'll do it here.

I've known this girl for a while now, and we've been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 weeks now.

In my last relationship, I was very overprotective of my ex. I didn't like other guys hitting on her or flirting with her, and I didn't like her texting other guys. We had an agreement where we wouldn't talk to people of the same sex after 10 at night. I was with that girl for a year and we lost our virginities(at least I did, who knows about her) to each other. Eventually I was tearing myself apart inside because she had told some lies I just couldn't live with, and I couldn't trust her again. I broke up with her almost a year ago now.

I'm basically a narcissist, and I'm very good at manipulating people whether I want to or not. I was controlling in my last relationship, and seeing how it ended I don't want to go down that path again because it scares me.

Now to the problem. My new girlfriend is absolutely gorgeous, probably the most attractive girl I've ever dated and that brings a whole new set of problems for me because I know there are guys who want to get at her. She has more ex's than I do, and she's friends with a lot of them which is something I don't understand very well. She's nice to everybody and has tons of friends, whereas I am very selective and if someone bothers me I have no problem telling them where they can shove it.

A few nights ago she was up skyping a guy at 1:30 in the morning, I got upset and told her I wasn't comfortable with that, and she said she understood. I also said I wasn't going to tell her what she could and couldn't do. I don't know if I made the right call. A few times when we've been skyping she's put me on hold for a second to briefly answer another call. We text all day every day, and I'm pretty sure she isn't texting other guys all the time, but sometimes she'll talk to them on the phone and not respond to me for like 20 minutes while she's busy.

Other guys are CONSTANTLY posting on her Facebook wall. I guess the only thing that gives me any solace is the fact that a few of them are guys upset that she has ignored their texts.

She slept over at a friends house the other night, and they went downtown and I guess they were hanging out with one of her ex-boyfriends who has posted on her Facebook wall like 6 times in the last 4 days. She didn't tell me he was there, I guess she didn't think it was a big deal. I don't even know.

For the past few days, I've been second guessing myself and her. She hasn't done anything wrong yet I have problems trusting that she won't turn around and cheat on me, even though she's told me how she never could. I'll be honest, I'm pretty insecure but I cover it up really well, so as much as I don't want to be intimidated by other guys talking to her, I am.

I just don't know what to do. She's a really friendly outgoing person, so I don't know if this is mere friendship or if there is more going on behind the scenes that I don't know about. Her phone died while she was hanging with her friend that I mentioned earlier, and she was gone for about an hour and a half. I really didn't want to do it, but I basically forced myself to call her cell with another number to make sure it really WAS off and took me straight to voicemail; it did by the way.

With my ex, I remember I got onto her Facebook once and saw some shit in her chats that I really wish I hadn't. That was basically the beginning of the end. I'm so insecure in relationships, that I can't help but verify everything they tell me. But seeing as I've found shit that way in the past, it scares me to do it knowing what I might discover.

What do I do guys? The problem is myself but it's driving me fucking crazy. I'm sorry for the long post but I would REALLY be appreciative of some advice and help here.

"Do I trust nobody and live in loneliness, or trust some and get fooled by phoniness?"

 

[Red Nova]

Gotta say, you sound alot like myself, i tend to be overprotective, controlling etc, not intentionally, it's just the way I am naturally (been diagnosed with allsorts including emotional instability and adjustment disorder) which came into play after me and my ex split up, i'd been wanting to dump her for a few months but felt really bad about it, but when we started having serious problems and she ended it, i went pretty nuts about it, started alot of fights, getting myself arrested, taking ALOT of drugs and so on and so forth.

anyway, I've always had trust issues in relationships, no matter what, I can't find myself able to trust a girl, at one point, one of my good friends asked my ex what would happen if he went to kiss her, she didn't tell me at first, but when I found out about it, i flipped, found the guy, put him in hospital and got myself arrested (managed to get off with having to pay him £75 and CS) that's really where the relationship just went downhill, my own fault really, but I can't help that.

I'm with a new girl now and I'd say i trust her more than I've ever trusted any girl, but still I'm always worried about other guys chatting with her nd stuff.

I know you asked for advice, but there's not alot I can say really, I'm still trying to work around these problems myself, I guess the only thing you can really do, is just try to trust your girl as best you can, and try not to overreact if a guy hits on her, guys are gonna hit on girls, nothing is gonna change that, it only becomes a problem if she decides to do somit with him, and if that happens, just ditch her, she doesn't deserve you.

I've already told myself that if my current relationship fails, I'm gonna give up on relationships, it's not really that big of a deal for me, I'm happy whether I'm with somebody or not.

The only real advice I can give you, is if you do want to be in a relationship, be everything you'd want a partner to be, but don't let her treat you like a doormat, you have to say no sometimes, be a man. even if you eventually get 'fooled by phoniness' it's just a part of life, something you will have to deal with, most relationships won't work out for any significant amount of time, just a fact you have to accept, heartbreaks happen, but the best thing to do is to put it to the back of your mind and live your life.

Sorry I'm not being much help, but as I've said, I have similar problems and have yet to be given any advice that actually works

Oh, and try to stay away from prescription medication, it'll either turn you into a cabbage, or turn you into a different person (not necessarily a better one aswell)

EDIT: forgot to add, if you ever want somebody to talk to, somebody who will listen and try to offer helpful advice, you can contact me anytime, pm me here or add my msn, [email protected]

 

[kmjt]

Your girl did absolutely nothing wrong. You have admitted that it is you, so find a way to get over your trust issues or it will be the same with every girl.

 

[Promethium91]

KMJT, your advice is like telling an alcoholic that he needs to stop drinking.

It's sounds easy enough but it's an entirely different thing to try and stop. I always think like this, and it's just the way I am, it's a pattern of thought that's become a habit for me. It probably didn't help that as far as I'm concerned, my ex DID cheat on me.

I've been miserable for the past 4 years from depression, and it's speculated that I have NPD. I added you Nova, and you said that prescription medication will turn you into somebody else. Does that include anti-depressants, because I was finally about to consider taking them, I'm at a point where I just don't think it matter anymore.

My therapist has her own theory, she thinks I have a chemical imbalance, which is why I generally feel worse than everybody else normally does. I don't know if she's right or not, but oh well.

As for my girlfriend, I've gotten some good advice from a guy on another forum that really helped. We had a long conversation last night about everything, and she seems to be having trouble with the distance thing and thinks that she'll never get to see me. I promised her that I would visit her as soon as I got the money, but she's said and I can tell it's hard for her. She's acting kinda different today, and I've asked her if something was wrong but she insisted nothing was.

I feel like the woman in this relationship, I tell her I love her all the time(she says it back too; I haven't rushed it) and such and always reassure her that I'm always here for her, but whenever I bring up something that's bothering me she always just says "Awh I'm sorry :/" or something like that and doesn't even seem to care. Whenever she's upset I always try to cheer her up and I always want to know why so I can try and help, but when I'm that way it's like it doesn't matter to her; it's extremely upsetting. I've tried hinting to her that I'd like to be able to talk to her about things, but she just doesn't get it. The distance doesn't bother me, the fact that I can't be right next to her all the time doesn't bother me. I know how I feel about her, and that's enough for me, and I've told her that.

I don't really know how to handle this. I don't know what's up and why she's acting/sounding different today. I haven't upset her as far as she'll tell me, so I guess it must be something else.

 

[Annex]

Well its easy to say hard to do but you need to get over your insecurity issues as the more you try to to grab control the more the good ones will slip through your fingers.

I honestly don't see a problem with my girlfriend texting other guys, or talking to them on facebook or what not, and it goes vice versa for me. The only thing we really agreed to not do is intentionally go hang out with our ex's. The more you feel like they are going to cheat on you or leave you for someone else if they can talk to other guys, the more likely it is to happen. While you think now you can cover your insecurity, the cracks will begin to show eventually.

Its difficult to tell you how to deal with insecurity, but basically you have to believe you don't need any girls, and that girls should have to prove their worth to you rather than you needing a girl. The best way I found do gather such confidence is to simply be single for a few months and going out with friends and having fun.

 

[Promethium91]

The best way I found do gather such confidence is to simply be single for a few months and going out with friends and having fun.

This is the problem. I was single for almost a year.

I don't have many friends because I have such high standards for people I associate myself with. I usually unintentionally hold myself above others and look down on people, but I never feel like I'm good enough for the kind of girls that I get(attractive ones somehow).

As I went to sleep last night, I thought "I'm too self-destructive to handle a relationship, but too depressed to be left alone".

I don't know if that's necessarily true, but I can't rule out that it's at least partially accurate.

Having a girlfriend for me, helps A TON. It's someone that's always there for me that's always there as a permanent distraction. I text her all day every day and I like to share everything with her. Whenever my mind starts to wander and I think about the world, that's when I get down. If I always look down and have a text to smile at and respond to, it doesn't happen nearly as often.

Especially over the summer, I hardly ever seen my friends. I've gone to an arcade and seen a movie with one friend after a month of being on break. That's it. The rest of my time was spent up in my room listening to loud rock or metal and browsing Sythe and the web.

It's not that I don't WANT to make friends, but I can't find people that I can stand. That's why when I get a girlfriend I really want to attach myself to her because she's someone that I appreciate having so much. That's probably unhealthy, but it helps me.

 

[Red Nova]

I wouldn't suggest prescription medication, I'm currently on risperidone, an anti-psychotic, and escitalopram, an anti-depressant, although I have not been taking them for the past 2 months or so, as I got sick of them, I was VERY unmotivated, as far as my depression goes, they didn't help in the slightest, however they did help with anger issues. I had also been told multiple times by many people that I was like a zombie, they had noticed that I lacked emotion, didn't do anything useful, just got on with my life with as little social interaction as is possible, however, if you feel that they coudl help you, then by all means try them, try to stay away from any anti-psychotics, as they can really fuck you up, but as far as anti-depressants go, you could try it, if you do, try them for around 6 weeks (with most of these pills they need to be taken for an amount of time before they will generally start helping you.

I'm going to assume your american, as most people on here are, so I'm not sure what kind of anti-depressants would be prescribed, but in the UK, it would probably be citalopram. as with any medication, do some research on the internet before you take ANYTHING.

and as far as NPD goes, I have had a look at that, and I can relate myself to all of the symptoms aswell as many of the causes listed on wikipedia, it sounds similar so something that a psych said about me a few months back.

you said you had added me on MSN, I have not had any requests, but I have added the MSN you have listed on your profile

 

[Promethium91]

Well I don't have any motivation BECAUSE of anti-depressants.

I don't try in school and get straight A's, but it's still really hard to get up in the morning; I just go because I have to. I get suicidal thoughts all the time but I'm too afraid of pain to follow through with them, and that's how it's been for years.

I've only been in therapy for 3-4 weeks now, so right now she's just trying to get me out of the house and more active with friends.

But anyways, my girlfriend is at the movies with her family right now, and it seems that I've finally cheered her up and she's back to her old self.


I'd like to post the response I got that finally helped me lighten up and respect our situation, just incase anyone else has similar problems being overprotective and controlling.

The most important thing to realize is you have only absolute control over one person in life and that is yourself. You don't have a right to "manipulate", force or stalk anyone. And you shouldn't do those things because you're hurting both of you and driving her away.

Competition from other guys is a fact of life. No use in fighting it if you're not married or in an exclusive relationship. You can ask her to go exclusively out with you, but a better way would be to show her you are worthy of an exclusive relationship. That means being a kind, caring, and respectful boyfriend, not an overly serious, controlling stalker (very unattractive).

You can beat your jealousy by realizing you can only control your behavior and not hers. And if she's not ready or doesn't want an exclusive relationship be a man and accept it. Either move on or lower expectations.

I would lower expectations. Two weeks into a long distance relationship is hardly time to expect your girlfriend to be totally committed to you. Work on being a better boyfriend, give the girl some space and allow things to happen naturally. Long distance relationships are hard enough with out adding extra pressure.

I'm sure a lot of you can agree with that.

 

[Promethium91]

She left 4 hours ago cause she was at the movies and she said she'd text me when she was done, and she still hasn't.

I hate this shit. I can't help it. I'm all fine and go "yeah I won't let anything bother me, give her space" and then something like this happens and I want to fucking slice my arm open cause I can't help what's running through my mind. I slowly tear myself apart thinking like this and I don't know what to do.

And for some reason she's online on Skype when she's supposed to be at the movies.. what the fuck.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I am. What do I do guys?

 

[Red Nova]

She left 4 hours ago cause she was at the movies and she said she'd text me when she was done, and she still hasn't.

I hate this shit. I can't help it. I'm all fine and go "yeah I won't let anything bother me, give her space" and then something like this happens and I want to fucking slice my arm open cause I can't help what's running through my mind. I slowly tear myself apart thinking like this and I don't know what to do.

And for some reason she's online on Skype when she's supposed to be at the movies.. what the fuck.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I am. What do I do guys?

Could it be possible she's just left her pc on?

I know it's not what you want to hear, but if she's making you feel like that, then maybe you shouldn't be with her, but you should at least try talking to her about how you feel, how you can't help the way you feel and way you act about it, if she cares about you then she'll understand, if not, try telling her again that there's nothing you can do about the way you feel, the way you act, give her some time to think about it, if she doesn't come around, it's probably for the best if you end the relationship, you'll find somebody who will make you happy, will understand and accept you for who you are.

As far as helping you to stop thinking about it, if your feeling like that, try to make a playlist of some good music, nothing depressing or angry, that won't help (i like a bit of dub (not dubstep)) get yourself comfortable and try to really focus on the music, immerse yourself, on the other end of the scale, you could even put something on that you can dance to, doesn't matter if you can't dance when your alone, but it really does help, or at least it helps me.

Aswell as that, try to keep a regular sleeping pattern, make sure your not skipping meals, try to spend at least a short amount of time outside every day and try to socialise with people with a positive attitude, being around people that are depressive only makes you more depressed.

Make sure you talk about the way you feel with people you trust, close friends, family, even your girlfriend if you can.

 

[Promethium91]

Yeah. She left at 6:30 last night and never came back by around 11, so I just sent "I'm going. Night". I wrote up a whole like 10 page long text last night, and I sent it this morning. I'd do it over Skype or something but I have no idea when I'd be able to get her on and I wouldn't be able to list everything out.

I told her the truth about everything. A lot of times when I'll complain about something I'll do it and then go "That was mean.. I'm sorry" even when I don't think I'm in the wrong because I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm not going to do that this time.

She's seemed really understanding about who I am in the past, I remember she'd said some stuff that really helped, but that was before all this and she seems to have forgotten it.

And yeah it's hard not to skip meals. I'm 135 and 6' and I eat so little I'm really not that hungry anymore. It just kinda feels like there's a hole where my stomach should be. It's a hard feeling to describe.

Anyways, I sent her that long text, but she's still asleep so I guess I'll see what happens when she wakes up.

 

[Promethium91]

Well, update time. This morning she told me it about how her dad is dying of brain cancer and has less than 3 months to live, and it's hitting her now, etc etc. I know it's true, but I don't know if she was using it.

Anyways, today she was giving me a bunch of half-ass responses while we were talking and even recognized that herself, so we just had a large conversation and I got her to admit that she'd fallen out of love for me. She described how this had happened with a lot of her other boyfriends and she was "afraid of commitment". I took everything very well, and very calmly as I do. I have an analogy that fits, I freak out and can't handle it when the walls crack, but when they finally collapse I immediately stand up and leave the building behind.

She couldn't explain why she'd fallen out of love in the past few days. I told her that what we had before the relationship was the exact same thing we had now and that the only difference now was that there was a title on it and she basically was committed not to cheat. She said that wasn't the reason, but couldn't give me one.

She wouldn't make any decisions herself and didn't seem to know what she really wanted so I took it into my own hands and gave her two options. Either we could continue talking as we always do and see if anything changes, or we could cut communication for a day or however long it takes for her to discover her true feelings, and get back to me with them when she's sure.

I said goodnight to her about 30 minutes ago. Right now, I'm handling it well, but in the back of my mind I'm preparing to end it because I think I'm pretty sure what response she's going to come back with in a few days.

IT'S DAMAGE CONTROL TIME. I don't want to fall apart, I was already crushed by my ex last time and it took me a total of 3 months to bring myself to break up with her because of the pity and the guilt. This time I'm doing it swiftly and I'm forcing her to give me the truth and keep pity out of her decision.

I'm not going to let her back out of our commitment as a couple unless she's ending it for good, because that's like me standing by while she's open to hook up with anyone she likes.

I've done everything I can to not let her slip through my fingers, and I've tried to promise myself not to have any regrets. I even told her this, along with the fact that if we break up that's it. I won't be there anymore, ever again. I won't stand by and be constantly reminded of what I lost. If it's over, it's over. I made that very clear.

What do you guys think? Did I make the right decision? What's done is done, so don't be too harsh, but did I handle it right?

What do I need to do mentally to prepare myself for what might happen? I don't want to fall into a deeper pit if she decides we need to split up.

It's out of my hands now.

 

[Red Nova]

There's really not a great deal you can do to prepare yourself mentally, but it sounds to me like you and this girl just weren't meant to me, I'd suggest breaking it off, stay single for a while, focus on your own life, spend more time with friends, stay away from depressive music, don't skip meals, keep a regular sleeping pattern, think about going away for a while, do you have any friends that like away that you could stay with for a week or two? Get into a hobby, I've focusing on becoming a tattoo artist, when I'm doing a tattoo or a design I don't think about anything other than what I'm doing, it really helps block out any thoughts. and it always helps to talk to people about your problems, don't bottle it all up

 

[Promethium91]

She still hasn't texted back.

I miss her.