The End of Self Loathing. The End of Self Doubt.

Some of you may have read or even offered advice in previous posts. And now is my point of changing things that are so wrong for me. I've hated myself for far too long, and I just felt the need to post about it. I may continue posting in this thread to document the changes that will come, or I may never be heard from again - But everything will be alright.

Spoiler: Day 1: The First Day I was alive

Something changed in me today... I don't know what it was... Until today, every days been the same.

I wake up, wishing I was dead, missing something I know I'll never see again... And I know this is my own fault, and I've been punishing myself for this. A subliminal screaming at myself to die for the horrible things I've done. I am my own abusive element.

But today, it was different. Today I was able to explain what love is. I could say that being in love is the opposite of growing up. As a child there was so much magic, so many amazing things, colors were so, so bright... As an adult, everything is black and white and everything is shit. Love is becoming a child again.

And it was also today I realized what MY love means... Before today, it meant living in a black and white world of shit, looking through a window at the bright colors, loving families, happy friends... Today, it means walking away. She left me a long time ago, for very good reasons, and today, My Love means staying away, not only for her, but for me too.

Today, I enjoyed my algebra class... Today, I didn't drink. Today, even though it was just once, I smiled for no reason at all. Today, I talked to other humans... I spoke to my class mates. I answered questions in class (willingly). I did not just sit there in silence. I admit, I said very little, but until today, the most I've said to non-immediate-family, even in class, is when the professor would personally ask me "Cody, blah blah" and I was forced to answer.

Today, I made plans. And I'm going to keep them. I'm not going to call her tomorrow, and come up with a bullshit excuse like I have every other time, just so I could sit at home, alone, and drink myself into a sickness.

I guess that today is the first day that I was alive in a very long time - I live in a world that is black and white, and it's full of shit - But deep down, underneath, there's so much more to it than that.

Spoiler: Day 2: A walk in the park

Today I met up with the sibling of a friend of a friend. We went out to eat, sat in the park and watched the geese walk around on the frozen lake. I felt the spark of companionship, something I've avoided for a very long time, but I'm not sure why I'd try to avoid such a warm feeling. We rode around for awhile and I just got lost in conversation and old-timey country music. I brought another good day on the road to recovery to a close by sipping a small glass of honey whiskey and smoking an Ashton brand cigar, enjoying every puff.

Spoiler: Day 4: Don't Give up Hope

Stop thinking of the things I'll never do again, and just be glad I did them, and I'm so glad I did them. First love does not mean best love, and best friends may not mean best friends forever, but they both mean at some point, somewhere, someone did care and their memories are still there.

Spoiler: Day 11: Party!

Went to a party, met some new people... Made some friends that may or may not last... And I dominated at beer pong... I suppose it was fun, but still feel like something in general is just "missing"...

 

I hope that you know you are not alone with those feelings. I don't feel like that every day, but every single time I see people in love, or in any romantic situation, I feel like im inferior. I feel like a defective human, I saw that you read my post, I was hinting at one of my other likely problems, autism. But I am one of the lucky ones who had it come with a profound intellectual ability to learn and retain things better than most people. But when it comes to emotions and feelings, I lack them, heavily. I can feel happy and sad, anxious, excited, angry, and lonely. But I have not once ever felt what love is. Everyone tries to explain it as something godlike, as if it was more than an emotion. I must admit I envy that other people can feel this, but I have had nothing even compare to what they are talking about. The most I have ever felt was proving my theorem, and I cried for about 15 minutes with joy. But if it were all taken away from me now, I would get over it. But as for love, I have seen people become destroyed for weeks, months, years, even all there life. It seems like a dangerous dance, but I can see that it pays off. I feel like maybe the shit in my past was the cause of it, maybe it’s my disability, or maybe it’s just never happened yet. If I do ever find this woman, I will 100% start crying when I feel it for the first time. It is all I desire, the ability to connect with people and actually care about them like how love does, to not be so alone. I envy that you can relate to anyone in this world if I may be honest, not to say the pain that you feel is nothing because more than likely I wouldn't be able to handle it any better if it happened to me. I just hope you realize that it is better to have loved and lost than it is to have never loved at all, because there is a good possibility that this part of my curse will forever remain. Idk if this helps, but im sure you know the world can be bullshit, but we all can use it to our advantage. But if your dead there is no possibility of ever being happy again, I would much rather keep trying, and maybe one day, things will change like they have today. This is the first step for you, all it takes is for you to believe it will get better, because im sure it will, because were all given some shit in our lives, Its just up to us to decide to throw it away and move on or you can have it ruin any possibility of happiness. But the feelings you are describing, I feel that too some days, except when i feel that way, I can escape with the good things that come with my life. Hope this helps man.

 

It can destroy someone as you've mentioned, but this post isn't solely about love. I'm far from past it, far from recovery... But today was the day that something juts snapped in me and made me decide to fight back and not let something destroy me just because it can, even if it's what i deserve.

I've always fought with depression. The story goes like this -

When I was a teenager I planned to kill myself, tried a couple times, looking back now it should have been obvious some pills, and just because minor little slits bleed a lot, doesn't mean it was nearly deep or probably even in the right spot to take a life...

End game was, I couldn't hurt my grandparents like that - All the drugs in the world wasn't working, pot was helping A LOT, but I still had this emptiness and didn't know what to do about it.

At 18 I decided, when I'm 27, if grandpa and grandma are gone, that's the year I'll die.

At 19, I met a girl. Not your usual street-girl like I'd been used to fucking and getting high with... A real woman. And everything just changed... I never felt so amazing, I wanted to live forever.

I got into legal trouble (imagine that) and was looking at 5 years in prison. I had accepted that as my fate. And I started mentally preparing myself for that kind of life for the next 5 years. And unintentionally, I started acting like a hard ass due to that mental preperation... I quit showing affection, I quit showing her I cared. I started drinking more, getting mad easier, yelling over pointless things that didn't even matter... Starting arguments over the stupidest shit - And not even letting it go when I realized what I was doing, which was the biggest mistake of it all... I saw what I was doing, how I was acting, and I didn't stop being that way... I had this falsified belief that "she could never leave, this is meant to be"....

But on our 3rd anniversary she did leave... She said she didn't love me anymore, she couldn't put up with all the fighting, i had become an emotionless, piece of shit (not exact words, but something along those lines).

That was August 1st, 2014... And I started drinking daily... I'm talking about 5ths a day, a full bottle of whiskey for breakfast kind of drinking... And I found myself worse than I was before I met her... And now that tells me something... If it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved, than why did I hate myself more than I ever have?

I haven't dated, I haven't fucked anyone, I've just been punishing myself since then. I haven't hung out with friends... I haven't called anyone, if someone calls me, I usually ignore it, I ignore texts, when someone knocks on the door, I peak out the windows until they leave... People on facebook try to make plans with me, try to get me out of the house... But I always come up with an excuse...

I'm not sure what changed today... Something just snapped. I woke up, I still hated myself, my first thought was the same thing it always is... "I'd rather be dead..."

But then I decided, I'd fight it... Just out of no where... I'm gonna fight this, and I'm going to try to better myself, and get out of the house, and find some kind of joy in life, if it fuckin' kills me, I'm gonna do it...

Don't get me wrong... Today was an amazing day.. But nothing has changed yet... I still hate me. I still don't want to be here... But instead of just sulking and complaining and whining, I'm going to attempt to fix it... And I think I might try to document that attempt here... But for all I know, it could be a fluke... Maybe tomorrow everything'll be back to normal, I'm not sure... I've been trying to talk myself out of my plans for tomorrow all day, but so far, I haven't let it happen.

Time will tell, but maybe I can find a reason to just live my life like a normal person would - A person who isn't depressed for no reason. I've got no real reason to bitch and moan. All that's happened to me is my own fault, from the time I started hating myself up until now. I was a spoiled kid, I've had it 100000x better than most people... And I even hate myself just because I'm depressed and shouldn't be... I SHOULD be happy for all the things I've had, the love, the family, the things I've seen. Some people, most people, will never have it that good - Yet I'm the one locking myself up and crying over a bottle. So it's not going to be easy to love the world, let alone myself... But here's to the night's we feel alive, right?

 

Well, let me explain the quote in the way that i see it. If you have loved and lost atleast you know you can love. In my case i have a strong feeling I will never find out what that feels like. But that feelings you are having, shows me that you must have been REALLY happy at one point. That means that there is a potential to get back there, it is not just a 1 in 10 billion fluke that this woman is the only person that is compatable with you in such a way, im just saying statistics are def. on your side. If its the way you acted that is beating you up, you wont make up for it by drinking yourself to death, you will only be remembered for fucking up and drinking to death even though you could have done something about it. As for potential happiness, what i love doing more than anything is helping people. I can guess that you might be like that because if you were not, I am sure you wouldn't be helping your grandparents. If i may ask something, you say the reason you are still here is to help your grandparents. Why do you care, you said in another post i read that you want to. If you care about others then perhaps living a life for yourself is not all that you should concern yourself with. I am just suggesting that perhaps living your life to benefit others may give you a reason to be here, maybe thats whats missing, but maybe not.

 

I haven't done any "Drugs" in YEARS. Only smoked pot once since I got put on probation. But I'm willing to smoke pot again when I get off in April, willing to keep drinking, but only as much as a normal person would. As for the rest, it's exactly what I'm attempting now

I'm not sure - You could be right. I enjoy helping to an extent, and that extent all depends on the person I'm helping lol. And yes, I believe I can be happy again as long as I just keep the attitude about it I had yesterday and so far today.

I wouldn't exclude yourself. There's no less chance of you finding a love than anyone else in the world. I'm not sure if you'd call me lucky or unlucky for being so young when it happened to me, at 19 I was on drugs, drinking a lot, and my usual attitude with women was your typical dumbass attitude... Find 'em to fuck 'em. And I met Beth, and it was an instant change for me, something that a person at 19 probably shouldn't even be worrying about... We were together for 3 months before we had sex, beating my official record of 6 hours. lmao.

So, what I'm mainly saying here, is that I might be lucky to have found someone like that, who changed my entire life... But I think I was unlucky that it happened when it did. Even though it changed me, matured me more than anything else ever could have, I probably wasn't matured enough to handle all the things I was feeling - Had I never felt love until today... or even 5 years from now? I can almost promise it wouldn't turn out like that did...

So, just because you haven't found it yet, doesn't mean you won't. There's a lot of people out there in the world, and any one of them could be for you. If you want love, chase it down. If you don't, hey no big deal - But it might find you anyway lol

 

I can 100% feel you in this situation, only I am younger than you are.
Smoking pot is fine, it makes you feel a little better, but in the long run , it doesn't. I am not telling you to stop, yet I am telling you that you're wasting money to feel happy for 1/2 hours while just changing your whole life around would provide you infinite happiness without 'drugs'.

As of alcohol, just don't. It makes you a different person. You will hurt people around you verbally and fysically (I dont know if this is a correct statement but English is not my main language) and thats just not you.

Find yourself a girl, a good pair of friends (or if you already have them keep building a bond) and just be you.
[And by the way, banging some girls on the way wouldnt be a bad choice either, it will probably make you feel better about yourself.]

 

Alcohol doesn't change me in that way... I'm more likely to be violent sober than drunk. For me, pot and booze was somewhat of the same general feeling... Alcohol has the added bonus of not being able to walk and not remembering much if I drink too much... Pot has the bonus of medically aiding my depression, actually attacking the source instead of just making it disappear for a short while.

I can't say pot is a waste when it's medically proven to be better than the depression meds the doctor put me on, among other medical properties for other things - mostly problems I don't have.

As this winds down, I'll probably post on this thread less, I can't have a highlight EVERY day... And will most likely allow myself to rest for at least the rest of the weekend, possibly most of next week... Socializing was fun for a change, but it took a lot out of me. But documenting this might turn out to be fun and also inspire others who are like me... So I imagine I will attempt to continue this until I feel I'm "human" again.

 

Agreed, the odd drink doesnt really do any harm, as long as you aren't fooling yourself.

as for pot, I smoke now and then, once or twice a month, and when I do, I make sure to spend the hours it affects me reflecting upon myself, really looking at the roots of my life, cause and effect.

Pot has helped me come to some truly mind blowing conclusions about myself.

once again, make sure you aren't fooling yourself in the quantity you are actually doing so though, as too much can make you lazy, forgetfull and demotivated.