[trusted] [best] Hamouzes Spam Form Protection Servise [2000+ posts] [5+ vouches]

Hello!

Do you get called a "fucking faggot", a "muddy bronco weenie", or a "loyal to the game" on a regular basis?

Does your name change fucking suck?

Are you a ban evader, running from the likes of Big Rich and his super squad?

Do you seek asylum in the spam forum but are being called out for your inexplicable sexuality and indescribable body shape?

Are you an avid feminist seeking to go undercover in the underbelly of misogyny, and take it apart from the inside 1 male tear and 1 yearly salary argument at a time?

Well say no more!

Here at Hamouze, we strive to give you nothing but the best services at the best price. Our services are affordable and of the highest quality. You can rest assured that Big Rich and the Dream Team won't catch you until you inevitably fuck up and scam for $5.00 worth of Runescape coins (it was so worth it!).

We work hard to bring you the least-offensive cloaking and roasting services in the spam forum. We avoid using terms like "newfag" or "Accounts Shop" and instead prefer the terms "Introductory User" and "vader piece of shit" respectively. We aren't like the other guys. We're respectful and competent. Having Hamouze on your side will ensure that you will have the best and most fruitful ban evasion experience target-free.

Hamouze is a revered and loved member of the Sythe dot org community. He has spent his entire life devoted to posting dank memes and serving YOU, the customer. He has extensive experience in the art of ban evasion and was even a member of Big Rich's butt squad for years! Now, his trade secrets and inside knowledge are yours for the low-low price of:

Bronze Tier ($0.05, 1 reward point): Hamouze will personally jump to your defence. He'll threaten your attacker with classic evasive techniques such as the "I'll piss on your couch" and the "I have friends in the military" or the coveted mass-posting of a cat facing a horrible, flesh-toned sofa chair.

Silver Tier ($600.00, 2 reward points): Hamouze and his associate Hamouze will tag-team your attacker and ensure that double-penetration is on the plate. They will be relentless and unlubricated for maximum friction. With the silver tier, you gain access to all the bronze tier rewards as well.

Gold Tier ($7.50, 3 reward points): Hamouze will personally create a thread for you, praising you and your obviously massive testicles. Providing a vouch for a massive penis costs extra. Providing a vouch that the massive testicles are not cancerous also costs extra. With the gold tier, you gain access to all the bronze and silver tier rewards as well.


Rewards points: Sucking Hamouze's absolutely massive, non-cancerous testicles will provide you with 1 reward point that can be used toward a higher tier service!

So don't think. Act now!

Thanks to our very first gold tier member!



BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE

Hey there, friendo. Are you a newly registered user who's interested in posting in Sythe dot org's infamous spam forum, but are afraid of being personally attacked and victimized by veteran posters? Or are you currently taking heat for being a ban evader and need the heat directed to a different ban evader while you attempt to cover your track? Well, now you can rest assured, my associate (Hamouze) and I provide a service that will ensure your safety while inhabiting the spam forum.

First, let me introduce my partner and I to you.

Myself: I am a 37 year old divorced Jewish misanthrope who is a vape meme writer by day, and professional Sythe shit poster by night. I've never lost an online argument on this site and only once got my ass kicked at a Buffalo Wild Wings for not fucking the Tom Brady cake (god damn bullshit)

Hamouze: Confirmed alpha bully in middle+high school when growing up. Writer of some of the harshest shit seen on this message board. Once had sex with a vader's mom AND dad to prove a point.

We provide four levels of service.

Level 1: Anytime someone replies in an aggressive/derogatory way to you, either Hamouze or I will back you up and call your online adversary a shitbarn.

Level 2: Level 1 + once someone accuses you of being a ban evader, we will seek out another ban evader and proceed to call them a ban evader, putting the heat on them rather than you.

Level 3: Level 1 + 2 + we will actually confirm that you are in fact a "cool guy" (regardless of how much of a cheese dick faggot you truly are), and we will provide you with 5 pre-written witty thread responses and 1 funny thread topic to ensure that you will have something fun to contribute to the forum, helping create yourself an image of not being a waste of bandwidth.

Level 4: Level 1 + 2 + 3 + our third party affiliate, Hamouze, aka the proclaimed King of the Spam forum and Sythe mod, will reply "lol" to one of your spam forum posts of your choosing. Use this service wisely, as it is a one time deal.

Prices vary depending on your circumstance. Your join date, current level of spam forum clout and your status of being a marketfag or not will all be considered into deciding the cost of our services.

Get the fuck @ us, newfags.

 

wow r u fukin kidding me right now m8

 

Yo That's My Fucking Donation

 

holy fuckin shitpost

 

faggg

 

Gotta say Hamouze, legitimately disappointed in this one. Expected more from you.

 

>mfw u think ur opinion matters to me

 

I kind of want to buy this

 

This protection seems better than blupigs. Will buy now.

 

may i suggest a sleek thread layout to better advertise your services

 

Op is a faggot

 

op is for sure a faggot

 

If you can provide one I'll use it!!! :noworry: ^_^ :love: =| :nuts:

 

Our service is #1

 

fugg off hammy, youre gunna get crushed just like pigs service

 

ummmmmmmmmmm ur doing a real good job of being the shittest of the 3 bro

keep it up

fuckin lmao

muddy ass bronco weenie for real

 

Were the only ones to actually have any business, we've been going on the DL for nearly two years. Why the fuck do you think you lost mod?

You think I actually give a single fuck about this place? I'm here strictly for my cut and to do work. Going public just brought out the wannabes, but that's alright no worries. You've just found yourself on the receiving end of a lifetime of pain.

 

Do you even fucking know who I am? It should be noted that I’ve upvoted every single person who’s disagreed with me here, as far as I know.

That said.

In 7th grade, I took an SAT test without preparing for it at all, it was spur-of-the-moment, I knew about it about an hour ahead of time and didn’t do any research or anything. I scored higher on it than the average person using it to apply for college in my area.

An IQ test has shown me to be in the 99.9th percentile for IQ. This is the highest result the test I was given reaches; anything further and they’d consider it to be within the margin of error for that test.

My mother’s boyfriend of 8 years is an aerospace engineer who graduated Virginia Tech. At the age of 15, I understand physics better than him, and I owe very little of it to him, as he would rarely give me a decent explanation of anything, just tell me that my ideas were wrong and become aggravated with me for not quite understanding thermodynamics. He’s not particularly successful as an engineer, but I’ve met lots of other engineers who aren’t as good as me at physics, so I’m guessing that’s not just a result of him being bad at it.
I’m also pretty good at engineering. I don’t have a degree, and other than physics I don’t have a better understanding of any aspect of engineering than any actual engineer, but I have lots of ingenuity for inventing new things. For example, I independently invented regenerative brakes before finding out what they were, and I was only seven or eight years old when I started inventing wireless electricity solutions (my first idea being to use a powerful infrared laser to transmit energy; admittedly not the best plan).

I have independently thought of basically every branch of philosophy I’ve come across. Every question of existentialism which I’ve seen discussed in SMBC or xkcd or Reddit or anywhere else, the thoughts haven’t been new to me. Philosophy has pretty much gotten trivial for me; I’ve considered taking a philosophy course just to see how easy it is.

Psychology, I actually understand better than people with degrees. Unlike engineering, there’s no aspect of psychology which I don’t have a very good understanding of. I can debunk many of even Sigmund Freud’s theories.
I’m a good enough writer that I’m writing a book and so far everybody who’s read any of it has said it was really good and plausible to expect to have published. And that’s not just, like, me and family members, that counts strangers on the Internet. I’ve heard zero negative appraisal of it so far; people have critiqued it, but not insulted it.

I don’t know if that will suffice as evidence that I’m intelligent. I’m done with it, though, because I’d rather defend my maturity, since it’s what you’ve spent the most time attacking. The following are some examples of my morals and ethical code.

I believe firmly that everybody deserves a future. If we were to capture Hitler at the end of WWII, I would be against executing him. In fact, if we had any way of rehabilitating him and knowing that he wasn’t just faking it, I’d even support the concept of letting him go free. This is essentially because I think that whoever you are in the present is a separate entity from who you were in the past and who you are in the future, and while your present self should take responsibility for your past self’s actions, it shouldn’t be punished for them simply for the sake of punishment, especially if the present self regrets the actions of the past self and feels genuine guilt about them.

I don’t believe in judgement of people based on their personal choices as long as those personal choices aren’t harming others. I don’t have any issue with any type of sexuality whatsoever (short of physically acting out necrophilia, pedophilia, or other acts which have a harmful affect on others - but I don’t care what a person’s fantasies consist of, as long as they recognize the difference between reality and fiction and can separate them). I don’t have any issue with anybody over what type of music they listen to, or clothes they wear, etc. I know that’s not really an impressive moral, but it’s unfortunately rare; a great many people, especially those my age, are judgmental about these things.
I love everyone, even people I hate. I wish my worst enemies good fortune and happiness. Rick Perry is a vile, piece of shit human being, deserving of zero respect, but I wish for him to change for the better and live the best life possible. I wish this for everyone.

I’m pretty much a pacifist. I’ve taken a broken nose without fighting back or seeking retribution, because the guy stopped punching after that. The only time I’ll fight back is if 1) the person attacking me shows no signs of stopping and 2) if I don’t attack, I’ll come out worse than the other person will if I do. In other words, if fighting someone is going to end up being more harmful to them than just letting them go will be to me, I don’t fight back. I’ve therefore never had a reason to fight back against anyone in anything serious, because my ability to take pain has so far made it so that I’m never in a situation where I’ll be worse off after a fight. If I’m not going to get any hospitalizing injuries, I really don’t care.

The only exception is if someone is going after my life. Even then, I’ll do the minimum amount of harm to them that I possibly can in protecting myself. If someone points a gun at me and I can get out of it without harming them, I’d prefer to do that over killing them.

I consider myself a feminist. I don’t believe in enforced or uniform gender roles; they may happen naturally, but they should never be coerced into happening unnaturally. As in, the societal pressure for gender roles should really go, even if it’ll turn out that the majority of relationships continue operating the same way of their own accord. I treat women with the same outlook I treat men, and never participate in the old Reddit “women are crazy” circlejerk, because there are multiple women out there and each have different personalities just like there are multiple men out there and each with different personalities. I don’t think you do much of anything except scare off the awesome women out there by going on and on about the ones who aren’t awesome.
That doesn’t mean I look for places to victimize women, I just don’t believe it’s fair to make generalizations such as the one about women acting like everything’s OK when it’s really not (and that’s a particularly harsh example, because all humans do that).

I’m kind of tired of citing these examples and I’m guessing you’re getting tired of reading them, if you’ve even made it this far. In closing, the people who know me in real life all respect me, as do a great many people in the Reddit brony community, where I spend most of my time and where I’m pretty known for being helpful around the community. A lot of people in my segment of the community are depressed or going through hard times, and I spend a lot of time giving advice and support to people there. Yesterday someone quoted a case of me doing this in a post asking everyone what their favorite motivational/inspirational quote was, and that comment was second to the top, so I guess other people agreed (though, granted, it was a pretty low-traffic post, only about a dozen competing comments).

And, uh, I’m a pretty good moderator.

All that, and I think your behavior in this thread was totally assholish. So what do you think, now that you at least slightly know me?

 

OK reddit

 

All that, and I think your behavior in this thread was totally assholish. So what do you think, now that you at least slightly know me?