Ok so I was thinking topic verses
First verse describing yourself either on sythe or real life or both. just for an opener and I can get use to this.
He's an unmarked soul, and he's ready to go
not slowed by religion as any fool would know
The lie of lies, so that you can die
No need to fear, your savior is here
he is masked in white and he knows he's right
His name is deadzone say it with all your might
Leading the blind to the traps uncovers all the gaps
Destroying the fake leaving all the fools in his wake
as young as he is he knows whats his
It's his for the taking cause he's not breaking
A pencil in the left a pick in the right this genius only comes out at night
death be forsaken for this one he's not takin
cuz the only thing not breakin is he.
For a first go, you did pretty well. Here's just a couple of things I noticed. The rhyme scheme changed after the first bar:
"He's an unmarked soul, and he's ready to
go
not slowed by religion as any fool would
know"
It was good, it's standard form. It flows well enough and I liked it.
This one:
"The lie of
lies, so that you can
die
No need to
fear, your savior is
here"
I think the bars are too short to be passed of as a one line rhyme scheme. If you're going for short bars like these, try and throw in a multi.
Eg:
"I got first hand experience of when relationships fall
apart
I was left in the
dark with one piece of a broken
heart"
Also, notice the difference in length of the lines. It does have an effect, since it's hard enough for someone to find flow in a written verse already, having longer lines can sorta make it easier.
As an example, we could turn:
"I lol'd when you said you would 'pop a cap'
That's what you wish for when you sit on santa's lap"
Into
"I know everyone was laughin', when you said that you would 'pop a cap'
Cause you've been prayin' and wishin', still beggin' on santa's lap"
It just gives it more to take in then the first one.
The last thing I'll say for this round is, experiment with the different word flows. This next one for example:
"If it was up to me, lil
wayne would be outta the
game it's
insane
That he takes the
fame, then goes to
claim, he's the king of
rap
So take a step
back and look what the whole
rap game became"
Two different rhymes going at the same time, risky, but it's good when it comes off.
As for my verse:
I've made it up through the ranks, proven myself every step of the way
Actin' like a responsible admin, but you'll still catch me fuckin' with TJ
And what did he say? "Ryan, Sythe before school, don't be a fucking geek"
So I stood back and let him give me shit about every day of the week
Then not even 3 months later, what does he go and do?
Makes a thread that he's leaving Sythe so he can focus on school
So he posts it, sits back and waits for Ryan to arrive
"Fuck it I'm here now man, Ima send that shit to the archive"
Rantin' and rave about someone who is completley fucking worthless
But now that fag's gone, I can say everyone here has a purpose
Haha, freestyled that just then. Anyway, as you can see from comparing the two verses, my lines were a bit longer then yours. Just something to work on I guess. Remembering that this one obviously isn't my best. I can show you my personal best if you want...If I still have it.
Overall: You did very well for a first go. Can't wait for round two!
Peace.
