My story: entitled Everlot

I got an email today from this online site called Teen Ink saying that my story was published on their website and I was just sooo excited that I decided to share it with you guys.. read and review please??

The orignal article can be found here: http://www.teenink.com/raw/Fiction/article/47357/Everlot--A-beggining/


I counted to six from when the thunder crashed and the lighting hit which meant that the storm was less than an hour away. I was outside and my dad was teaching me how to make the best out of the sand that had gathered on our front yard. He taught me to burn the seaweed that we had gathered earlier in the morning to soda ash then we had to put the soda ash in the ground with the sand so it would be stuck by lighting. Then after it was struck by lighting we gather all of it up and formed it into whatever shape we needed and then we threw it into a pond that had been dug years and years ago.
As I opened my eyes my memory faded away and I had remembered where I was in the forest alone. I figured since I probably wasn't going to get any rest that I might as well revive the previous watchmen. But before I get into anymore details of the eventful night I shall introduce myself. My name is Vincent Yuri. I have long black hair and dark green eyes I am somewhat muscular although not all together. I have been traveling with my camp for three days and we are in the middle of the Faunus also known to others as the Wilderness. The Wilderness is a forest full of thieves, murderers, and worst of all it is home to every type of beast that is not untamed and wild. We are looking for the King of thieves so we can disband the thieves and finally bring peace to our peaceful society. I am a Class C Mage which is the lowest form of spell caster in our fair kingdom of Everlot. “I will relive you of your duties for awhile go get some sleep.” I said to the guards outside of our camp.”Oh thank you Sir Vincent” said one of the guards. “What did I tell you!” I yelled at him “ I've told you a hundred times not to call me that.” I said furiously” I hate that name it was given to me by the two people who I detest the most.” “You mean the Ki...” said the other guard. “Don't say those names here” I interrupted him. “Do you want me to get attacked by every foul creature in this forest. Think if anyone was to hear you say that I was soon to be prince I would be attacked and be held for ransom. I might even be killed for what my father has done to all the thieves and for what I am doing right now. Now go get rested up and ready for travel. We will be leaving at daybreak.
Finally they were gone and I had some peace and quiet to think. Why couldn't I sleep? What was I dreaming about when I woke up? I had completely forgotten. Then it struck me, I was dreaming about before I was adopted by the king with my real father who's name I do not remember. But I realized that it did not matter who he was he had died a long time ago and there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it. He was gone and with him his memories of me. I am sure that he was ecstatic when he found out that I did not die but was adopted by the king himself. As I lay there thinking it starts lightning but I having being taught in the ways of lighting know that it is far to hot tonight for a storm so I don't send a warning. Instead I start thinking about where I should go and who I can get to help me become a Class A Mage.
I was running and running as fast as I could I heard my dad yelling and screaming for me to come and help him. “I'm coming! I'm coming as fast as I can! Just keep yelling I'll be there any minute!” “Whoa there son where do you think you're going.” “I am going to help my dad he broke his leg in the fire!” “Well you can't go in there son that house is about to collapse” “Then you go in there.” I cried “Someone save him! Please!” “We cannot be asked to risk our lives for the life of a peasant.”No Dad!!!” I screamed!!!
“WAKE UP!!” a strange voice said right by my ear. “ WHOA” I yelled as I jumped up and got the best of my beginner spells on my lips.” “Don't even think about talking again. They are already suspicious about were I went and If you blabber my your big mouth they will get us both.” I was about to ask him why he was talking then and then I realized that he wasn't talking aloud but speaking directly into my mind. “I want you to do something for me. Think about how you look, the color of your eyes, the color of your hair and what your build is. It's so dark out here a bat could not even see.” So I thought about how I looked, probably very dirty with my long black hair and my bright green eyes with my muscular build caused by me working out everyday for year before I started my mission. “Wait I told myself” Don't think about that he can not know about your mission until you know if he is a friend or foe. “If I were a foe then I would have slit your throat while you where sleeping.” he said automatically in my mind. Good point I thought. “Well if you are a friend then how come we have not shared the one thing that friends have to share with each other. “Didn't I tell you to not speak aloud.” he said directly to me. “ Just think what you want to say and I will tell you through your mind.” “ Fine!” I thought sarcastically “ If you are a friend then why do we not know each other names.” “Well if you think about it you will know my name.”

If you think I plagiarized this article look at my name and then go to my myspace at http://www.myspace.com/sederith... if you still don't believe me after that then I will message you on myspace.. if you still don't believe me after that then... idk.. msg one of my myspace friends... lolz

 

bumpp... plz read....

 

kool man

 

I like it

 

Cool story, I quite liked it.

 

nice i personnaly liked it.

 

Yah... feedback.. I posted this in like 3 other places hoping for feedback and I didn't get any.. except from sythe!!! yah.. glad ya'll liked it.. im hoping to writing more.. when school starts... not during summer.. screw that.. lolz

 

Great story mate..the ending is quite funny lol..

 

it was a nice story, it started off a bit weird, maybe because im not thinking straight, but it ended nicely.