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My attempt at a rap >.>

cartmanez

cartmanez

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Sep 6, 2008
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Hey yo. im the rapping fool,
you can't mess with me or get in a duel,
Im gonna go crazy on you,
you might as well flee foo.
im a straight up balla, on the courts,
go left then right, spin slam jam 'cause i'm not short,
you see me at the club,
definatly not at a pub,
I'm taking my low rider out for a spin,
then I might have some gin,
I see the losers at Mic-eee-dees ordering a quater pounder and cheese,
No wonder america is so fat jeez,
I head back home to my G,
he said he wanted to roll with me,
i turn back said no,
and i think i hate you joe...
Click to expand...


I would like collective critisism and yes i know it is not very good.
 
cartmanez said:
I would like collective critisism and yes i know it is not very good.
Click to expand...

Basically it's random jiberish. make a few rhymes don't need to be every line) and some lead in's you started at one part then totally switched to a different subject.
 
... Cant say you didnt try?
 
Being it a freestyle I suppose it's not bad for your first attempt but seriously a rap has to be about something not just saying: Ima take my low rider out for a spin, then I'm gonna have some gin. If you want to improve on those to lines you should do something like this: Ima take my low rider out for a spin, Ima find some ho's order them to get in. Something like that =) Not bad though =P
 
Hey yo. im the rapping fool,
Click to expand...

Got that right.

You were not freestyling.
Freestlye = actually spitting to a mic.
You had time to think before you typed, and frankly thats a poor excuse.

Do not do nursery rhyme schemes:
A
A
B
B

You need to mix it up ie
B A
B A
C
C
D E F
D E F

work and play around,

Get 1 subject, and try to think about it, eg being a rapper and a genius:

You see when I spray my lines
I pause and think with my brilliant mind
I am a Talented guy
Like Einstein and Eminem combined
This time better 'cos I'm re-defined

I spit my bars and cause confusion
Leave you lost in my illusion
Im the better one - no exclusion
here borrow the mic that im using
You look lost, dreaming musing?
I cant be asked bro
I guess this is my conclusion

etc etc

listen to rap
Tupac, biggie smalls, narstie, D12/Eminem, Ja Rule, Immortal Technique, JEdi Mind Tricks, 50 cent (sadly) - just listen to them and examine their flow and their lyrics - you should get a better idea.

Good luck
and don't come back with anything similar to what you posted today.
 
Not bad for a first time.

I tried rapping and I couldn't think of any rhymes,

:S
 
TrIggA said:
Got that right.

You were not freestyling.
Freestlye = actually spitting to a mic.
You had time to think before you typed, and frankly thats a poor excuse.

Do not do nursery rhyme schemes:
A
A
B
B

You need to mix it up ie
B A
B A
C
C
D E F
D E F

work and play around,

Get 1 subject, and try to think about it, eg being a rapper and a genius:

You see when I spray my lines
I pause and think with my brilliant mind
I am a Talented guy
Like Einstein and Eminem combined
This time better 'cos I'm re-defined

I spit my bars and cause confusion
Leave you lost in my illusion
Im the better one - no exclusion
here borrow the mic that im using
You look lost, dreaming musing?
I cant be asked bro
I guess this is my conclusion

etc etc

listen to rap
Tupac, biggie smalls, narstie, D12/Eminem, Ja Rule, Immortal Technique, JEdi Mind Tricks, 50 cent (sadly) - just listen to them and examine their flow and their lyrics - you should get a better idea.

Good luck
and don't come back with anything similar to what you posted today.
Click to expand...

Wow that is great help thanks!
 
i understand but i was bored so i made it ^__^ i am kinda random so i make random stuff like that rap lol
 
You need more metaphors/smilies and stuff thats not random jibberish.
Listen to Cassidy or some other lyrically methoprical ass moutherfucker to know what I'm talking bout.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpdKGaETgvg

See me I spit like those herion bars
I take crack, sell it and make more then stars

smoke weed and trip and be with the stars.
and I aint talking bout no lupe fiasco
keep fucking trippin imma let that cali go
3 bullets at your dome like a kobe shot

my flow sick, i should spit nothing but snot
but im not i spit bars like tabs nigga pick up yo check
before you get hurt, twisted and without a deck
i drop the top on my drop just to earn me some repect

etc etc..
 
I think its decent for first time. There are a couple flaws
Stay on topic.
Totally stereotypical lyrics IMHO.
 
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