Living in an empty, continuous loop of nothingness

[Infernal Dave]

Note: Don't bother posting if you're not going to take the time in reading what I have to say. If you do, I really do appreciate you taking your time. I just don't want anyone to post something that may change an opinion that I have already made in this thread.

I never thought I would be posting in these forums. There's so many things that I would like to talk about, and which requires a lot of explaining, but I just hope I can compile it together decently.

I'm currently 18 1/2, graduated high school summer of '10, and to put it simply, I have nothing to offer to anyone or anything as of now.

You're usually supposed to think of what to do when you get out of high school while you're there. Talk to the counselors to see if you can get into a certain college, whatever. My shyness is what defines me. I've had my few friends then and now, but I haven't made any notable impressions other than earning my diploma.

After graduation, I had wanted to join the Marine corp, because I saw it as "a free ticket to forced maturity". I called the recruiter, and I was ineligible for one reason - my deafness in my left ear. I became really disappointed, and tried the other branches of service, and gave me the same reason.

For that reason of me not being able to do ANY military service, disappointment, and laziness is what had kept me here at my home with my parents. I am over not being able to join the military, but my laziness is really affecting me.

I also have found a problem about myself. One major thing that has been bothering me since I was young was the desire of being in a relationship. I will point out that I have NEVER had a relationship with a girl. It's not as simple as to just go up to someone I like, and say something. My shy personality had kept me from doing many things. It pains me that I haven't found someone yet, and whenever I do go out somewhere, there's always a couple that's thrown at my sight.

I didn't really think about starting college until about middle of December of 2010. My mom helped me get into this program where they'll assist me with things like financial aid, and help pay for a hearing aid. Nobody has developed the special hearing aid for people with one deaf ear before, until a couple of months ago. The company that's assisting me is named DARS.

In the beginning of January(last month), they had asked me that I can either try to get into the second semester of college, or get my hearing aid first, so it will help me hear better in class. Now, I had over 18 years to adapt hearing with only my right ear. They said that it would be better if I got the hearing aid, but it was entirely my choice. I didn't really know what to think then, but I chose to get my hearing aid. I had to go to many appointments to get correct data on my hearing, in order to create this new kind of hearing aid. In all, I didn't get my hearing aid until middle of January.

Now I regret choosing to get my hearing aid, because now I am not able to get into the spring semester of '11, so I have to wait until the summer, or fall of '11. I just really hate waiting so much, because all of what I have been experiencing was WAITING, WAITING, WAITING. And now I am a year back/late, and I have not done anything since graduation.

The only thing I have done was work at mcdonalds for 1 month. I quit because the work was overwhelming, and it was difficult to be the only person to work the grill, having to make everything on the menu, fast paced, getting burned by the grease each time the grill finished cooking the patties.

I just don't know what to do now. I have applied at other several places for jobs, and none have called. I seem to be doing the same thing over and over and over again, which is wake up, eat, bathroom, computer, ps3, computer again, then sleep. I will not resort to taking any form of drugs, or smoking anything of some sort.

My intense desire for a girlfriend/relationship, and my lack in social skills that's preventing my from doing things that include relationship and hope for a job is really tearing me apart. I seem to be developing a small depression, and losing hope for many things.

 

[blazinfasstt]

maybe try to develop some skills that you feel would increase your worth.

or try to make some money. if you cant get a job, get creative.

go look up the avoidant personality and dysthymia.

 

[Infernal Dave]

Well the other thing I do have passion for is music. I can't express how much music means so much to me. It seems different genres only seem to go only in 1 direction. That's why I have loved video game music for so long, old and new music that is created for video games. Music from various animes have also grabbed my attention. I've only started watching anime about a couple of months ago.

I do play guitar, but I'm not really great. My older brothers birthday is coming soon, and he asked me if I could play a song on the keyboard from the Final Fantasy X game. I listen to it, and I get a lot of comfort from it.

Music is pretty much what keeps me from doing things rash such as hurting myself.

 

[stuffs]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. I've been feeling a form of what you feel, and I know how awful it is and how much it sucks.

As far as your girl problems go, have you tried online dating? Yeah, it's nerdy, but it sounds perfect for you. Think of it as an icebreaker. You put pictures/info up on the internet, and you contact girls/they contact you, and talk until you're comfortable meeting up in person. Even though you're shy, if you spend some time talking to someone through computer/phone/text then you'll be more comfortable around that person, won't you?

Don't worry about the relationship, it will come. There are almost 7 billion people in this world.. Think about the odds that not a SINGLE person out of those 7 billion is a right match for you, relationship wise. I'd tell you what those odds are, but I don't think Sythe has enough bandwidth for all those zeros.

 

[Basic_All_Day]

I'm not gonna post my thoughts, but I will say that if you ever want advice or to just vent you can always feel free to pm me and we can chat on msn. I've been through plenty myself, I can relate in several different areas.

 

[Spraynwipe]

I can relate to you in a lot of ways, and I think the best you can do is lift up your chin and keep going. In a while your hearing aid should start to function, and that will open up so many possibilities that you've always wanted. Just pull through for another few months (or another year?) until that is sorted and I guarantee things will take a turn for the better.

Start going to the gym, go to a community club of some sort and meet people. I know it's hard to do, I'm still trying to motivate myself to do the same, but in the end I know it will pay off.

If you ever need to talk with someone who shares a lot of your concerns, feel free to drop me a PM, I'd love to get to know you better and help you out however I can.

 

[Runit3hunt3r]

I will tell you a story of my youth and perhaps it will inspire you.

When i was young i was scared of the dark, i would have to do things like take the garbage bin outside on a dark night and i would literally quiver in fear, my family and friends used to jump out of the dark and try to scare me, this made it worse, i am autistic and suffered from night terrors when i was young (8-12 years old) i would wake up screaming.
One day i realized that i couldnt keep living in fear of life and that something had to break if i was going to continue this existance.
I walked outside at 1 am, and just kept walking, i walked a few blocks in near pitch darkness then walked home, ever since that moment i regained my confidence and my pride in myself, i have never been afraid since.

Try to find any excuse to be involved in social situations, learn to joke with people and talk to people on a casual basis, soon you will drop the shyness and will be able to live a more full life, when you have the confidence you will find your job and studies wont be such overwhelming obstacles to deal with.

 

[wtfomfgbbq101]

I don't feel bad for you in any way shape or form. You may seek as if people feel sorry for you here and rumble on about your life crisis but....

The world has so many things going on and around the world a lot of people are in true crisis. Sitting around eating and doing a BIG nothing is a true luxury many would LOVE to have.

I know you have some sort of anti-social personality but that can be over come easy if and only you REALLY want to change.

My mother always nagged me with her saying "it's easier to do nothing than something different each day we live".

Life is TOUGH. Nobody even the riches people on this planet get brakes easy. We all go through phases in our life and sometimes they are HARD to over come but they pass by.

I suggest strongly you go for things you would otherwise never do and open yourself up more. Start by walking in parks, watching movies..GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE..... Nature trails are Always fun. Camping too.....So many possibilities. Remember you only have shot at being in this planet.

 

[JohnK]

Get your mind off things, maybe take up some new hobbies, groups or look for a new job? Even playing games online like RuneScape can help as you are working towards something.

 

[Blitzful]

I've felt like this before and yeah it does suck, but like some of the others had said previously, try get your mind off things, I do GFX whilst listening to music to relax. I took that on 6 months ago and started watching tutorials and im 14. Now i want to go into University to do something like that.

With your girl problems. Try going to the gym or just working out at home, this will get the girls coming to you, which can take pressure off. Sorry if i couldn't help.

 

[rememberthedays]

hey man it looks like youre taking the right steps to turning your life in the direction you want to take. if you listen to any advice on here just remember this: do whatever is best for yourself.

you are worried that you will be joining college late, but why worry about that? you have now ~6-7 months to do what ever you want. enjoy summer, get off your ass and outside, join a gym and learn how to work out, start just doing things, force yourself.

you have to have your own motivation to make your life better, if you dont know why you want to work or go to school then STOP. figure out what you want in life, figure out some goals, then figure out how to achieve them.

why do i go to work? to make big money! ya work SUCKS but thats life, you have to think about the money. ya i have to go to university and its hard but you know what, im gunna get a kick ass job and make 80k out of school and be richer than any of my friends.

you be who ever and do whatever you want, you just need a reason that gives you motivation to continue. i get motivated by making money, find something you can work towards.

its just like rs, you want 99 agility so your going to keep working at it to get it. life isnt easy or fair, you need to play it to your advantage.

 

[okkk]

Try and get noticed with your music?

If you can play a song on the keyboard, and you can roughly play the guitar, try and sing. Even if you think your TERRIBLE, put it on YouTube and just TRY. If your first singing fails, try and cover songs, or make up your own! Justin Beieber got discovered over YT....why cant you :L and he sucks lol. So just TRY. :\ Send me a link to one of your vids if you decide to put one up. Ill be shure to recommend it to all my friends :]

 

[Infernal Dave]

Thanks everyone for your input. I do feel a better than when I made my OP. I am practicing with music, but I probably won't be creating music for a little while - need more practice with the piano/guitar.

In the meanwhile, I am going to try those 'find-someone-online' websites.

And I already did get my hearing aid. It's just that I had to either wait and get it, or start college without it (which is what i actually wanted, but didn't realize it until i made the choice to get it, then start college/school)