ive got a problem

I somehow got an erection whilst reading this =)

 

Oh? I is teh fail? D:

 

well when i did it, i shot her in the nuts and just ate her there and then.

dw man, its natural... everyone does it

 

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

 

Motherfucking Shit. I Was Just Masturbating And Everything Was Going Great. I Was In My Room, I Had My Headphones On, I Was Totally Naked Sitting At My Computer Fapping Away To A Video On Redtube. All Of A Sudden There's This Really Sharp Pain In My Dick, Like It Just Got Stabbed With A Sewing Needle. I Jerked My Hand Back And It Bumped Into My Computer Tower, Which Sits On The Desk. Well, I Had My Stick Of Deodorant On Top Of The Tower, And That Bitch Fell Off And Landed Deodorant-end-down On The Head Of My Cock. Holy Fucking Shit Did That Hurt, And On Top Of That It Hit So Hard That It Actually Forced Some Deodorant Into My Urethra. I've Never Had Anything Burn So Bad In My Entire Life. I Jumped Out Of My Fucking Chair And Stood Up Because It Hurt So Bad; This Caused My Headphone Cable To Get Yanked Out Of My Speakers, Which Caused "oh Yeah Baby Come Deep In My Tight Teen Asshole Uh Uh Uh" To Get Blared Through My Fucking House And Almost Maximum Volume. Now My Eyes Are Watering From The Pain Of The Deodorant Inside My Cock But I Manage To Punch One Of My Speakers Hard Enough So They Turn Off. I Looked Down And Noticed Blood Dripping Off Of My Cock; I Guess The Lip Of The Plastic Deodorant Thing Bit Into My Foreskin As It Connected With My Cock. The Blood Was Dripping Down My Leg.
This All Happened In The Space Of Maybe 6 Seconds. It May Seem Bad But It Gets Worse. Just As I'm Standing There Trying To Figure Out What The Fuck Happened, My Bedroom Door Fucking Opens. My Dad Was Standing There With My Acceptance Letter To Johns Hopkins. I Froze And He Stared At Me, Naked With My Bloody Erection For Maybe 15 Seconds Before He Noticed My Computer Monitor And The Brutal Anal Sex Scene Going On Full-screen. He Immediately Closed The Door And Left Without Saying Anything. This May Seem Embarrassing But My Dad Is A Seriously Conservative Christian. This Happened About 15 Minutes Ago And He Hasn't Said Anything To Me Yet. I'm Still In My Room Trying To Get The God Damn Fucking Old Spice Out Of My Cock.

 

*fap*

 

I lol'd hard, but I didn't get an erection off this story (N)

 

Osht I lol'd. Showed my brother too. Bleeding still?

 

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!”. By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Ma'am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.” And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I'm not really HIV Positive, but that little shit must've gotten in a fuckheap of trouble.

 

LMFAO I lol'd again. You're my hero.

 

awww i thought i was ur hero

</3

 

There is not a SINGLE competent individual employed within a 20-mile radius of my place of business. I am surrounded ENTIRELY by idiots and social rejects. I understand that I work in what is essentially Houston's armpit, but Jesus fucking CHRIST, everyone I see is nothing more than a pathetic waste of the nasty-ass body they inhabit.
It was my lunch hour. I needed Scotchgard. I went to the Wal-Mart down the road to procure some. Little did I know that this would become a battle with my own sanity before I left. Now, I can't say that I've been shopping for Scotchgard in recent memory, so I wasn't exactly sure where to find it. My best guess placed me in the aisle with all of the household cleaning supplies. No go. So I went an aisle over to find some immigrant worker stocking paper towels. Clearly, this guy would know where to find the Scotchgard. Or, at least, that's what I thought at first.
"Excuse me, Sir? I'm looking for Scotchgard," I say.
The man looks up from his work, standing up to a good three and a half feet tall. Apparently, this particular Wal-Mart was looking to meet its Oompa Loompa quota. "Scotchgard?" he asks?
"Yeah, Scotchgard."
He stares at me blankly for a few seconds. "Spray?" he confusedly replies.
Oh, Jesus. This was a mistake. "Yes, it's a spray."
So, Oompy Boy takes me back to the aisle I was just in, points into it, and declares "Spray." Then, he walks off. And so we have strike one. I set off again to locate somebody that both worked there AND spoke English, a task that would prove nigh-impossible. I eventually run into this old lady dragging a cart of boxes around. I ask her where the Scotchgard is. She replies that it's either in the aisle I was just in, or in the aisle with the carpet cleaners. Well, I was just in the aisle I was just in, and couldn't find the Scotchgard even with the assistance of a little orange man. I relayed this information to the lady.
She took me back to the aisle I was just in, anyways. I hate people.
As soon as the lady realized that there was not, in fact, any Scotchgard in this aisle, I was pointed in the direction of carpet cleaners about halfway across the store. I embarked on my journey at once. I soon arrived, but alas, no Scotchgard. The carpet cleaners section contained, amazingly enough, only carpet cleaners. Apparently not having suffered enough from my previous two encounters, I again set out to seek the assistance of a salesperson. Each attempt proved increasingly difficult, as salespeople at this particular Wal-Mart were about as elusive as naked women at the Neverland Ranch. I had made it all the way to pool supplies before I managed to catch up to one unable to scurry away from me before I could plead for help, possibly because her fat ass seemed to weigh in excess of a metric ton. I ask her where I can find some Scotchgard.
"Scotchgard?" she asks.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. "Yeah, Scotchgard."
"Check the cleaning supplies aisle over in groceries," she suggests.
Yeah, that wasn't going to fly. I politely inform her that her suggested avenue had already been explored, and that she had best provide a more suitable answer before I buried my foot deep inside of her size-52 ass.
"Umm... hardware?" she says. This was not a more suitable answer. My reply, though nonverbal, seemed to convey my feelings on the subject. Long live the power of the facepalm!
So, Tubby walks me over to another sales assistant, who she then proceeds to ask, "Yo Quiero Scotchgard?"
The other associate turns to look at her and then, in perfect English, replies, "what's Scotchgard?"
Oh, God. Butterball spent a few seconds trying to explain it to her before finally turning to me and again pointing me in the direction of hardware. Eager to be away from the hungry clutches of a hideous beast likely to eat me at her next feeding time, I left for hardware.
Upon entering hardware, I encounter a Hispanic lady that strongly resembled Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, only with more tattoos and considerably less attractive. I asked her where I may procure so Scotchgard and was pointed towards automotives. Fine. Automotives sounded like a better idea than hardware, so I went to go check it out. Alas, still no Scotchgard. So, I head back to the hardware whore and demand that I be shown to the Scotchgard in automotive. She complies, and I back off to automotives with the bassist from Motley Crue in tow. She searches for a little while, but is unable to find the object of my desire. Another sales rep, who was apparently lord and master of the automotive section appeared and was flagged down for help by the bitch from hardware. After presented with the situation, the Queen of Automotive Land formally declared that Scotchgard had been discontinued.
Right. Scotchgard has been discontinued. And I'm the king of fucking Spain.
The Automotive Mistress begins a long speech about how unpopular products are discontinued after awhile and I will have nothing of it. I cut her off and ask if they have any of a product just like Scotchgard. I am taken and dragged deep into the bowels of automotives in search of this mysterious substitute. Automotives Whore points me towards some leather polish. Way to go. I take this moment to explain two things to her. First, leather polish is not Scotchgard, nor is it an acceptable substitute, nor is it even the same product. Secondly, the product on the shelf directly underneath what she had pointed me to was, in fact, Scotchgard. I then claim my prize with a satisfied grin upon my face.
"Well, that's not the same kind," the Queen of automotives declared in an apparent attempt to save face.
Not the same kind? What the hell? It's fucking Scotchgard! Granted, it's Scotchgard for autos, but all that means is that the picture on the front of the can is a car seat instead of a sofa. Apparently, this was too much for my friend to handle. I removed myself from her presence in disgust. On the way back to the register, I decided to stop and get some KY Jelly. Even though I buy it frequently at Wal-Mart (I use it a lot), I had some difficulty locating it at this particular store. I did not, however, at any point stoop to asking salespeople for help finding it. Given my past experience, I probably would have been led to either maple syrup or tampons (which, coincidentally, were right next to the KY). On that note, Wal-Mart cashiers give you some WEIRD looks when you buy two tubes of KY and a can of Scotchgard.

 

wet . /

 

Haha, so that big build up DID leave people confused.

+2 for trickery

 

your messages started getting to long to read lmao! best one was with your sister

 

gezz vlad tought time lately lol

 

Easy as this kick her in the nuts and run...

 

THAT, is the funniest thing I've ever read.

 

vlad... your are fucking gay, now you got all these 10 year olds horny

 

Lol@wincest pasta.