Posting on an internet forum isn't going to make you obtain that goal any faster. If that's what you truly 100% without a doubt wanted, it would have been done by now.
Time to take a step back and analyze your situation.
Now I'd actually point a few things out, such as you remind me of a sixteen year old girl on her menstrual cycle, but half the Sythe community would be on my ass for not being "considerate" enough.
So god forbid I start this thread off wrong and actually give you advise on how to man the fuck up and put these weak thoughts behind you, I'll be the first in having five pages of compassionate and supporting speech.
We will all be here for you! Just add my MSN if you ever want to talk, I know it's hard but you'll get over it.