How do I get through to her?

[El DLo]

Hey everyone. Ordinarily I wouldn't be one seeking advice. I usually have a very clear head on these things and see them the way they are, but this time, well... it's different.

Let me start off by telling you a little about myself. I'm 19, generally timid, hugely self-conscious, all that good stuff. That said though, I've been in two committed relationships, I'm not inexperienced sexually (not a virgin), and despite my huge anxiety issues, I'm generally considerably functional.

8 months ago, I went through a horrific breakup. I was on a business trip out of state for two months, and I was totally in love with my girlfriend at the time. Literally, being with her was the first time I was truly happy in my entire life. She said she would wait, but my second week there she dumped me, completely alone, 900 miles from home, simply so that she could "be single". She then proceeded to go back to hooking up with the guy she was with before me, and then spread a ton of rumors that I was stalking her and hacking her computer. Now, that's all in the past, but the important part of that breakup is that I was completely miserable for months. The breakup happened in June and it wasn't until December that I actually felt like I was over her.

For the better part of 2010 I was in an awful place, and 2011 didn't start off much better... until about 3 weeks ago.

I met Cariann online on a dating site. I live in New York, and she goes to college in Massachusetts. For the first week we were video chatting every single day, texting non-stop, absolutely adoring each other's company. Everything was perfect, I felt happy for the first time in months, and my insomnia that I had been suffering horribly from for 8 months came to a grinding halt. The second week was nearly as awesome as the first, and I ended up doing something I ordinarily never would have done. I planned a trip to see her. So last Friday I hopped on a train, then a bus, then another train, and I finally got to meet her in person.

When we were together, everything was incredible. We shared a bed for that weekend and spent so much time just cuddling and kissing and literally everything was perfect. I've had crushes before. I've had girlfriends before, and I've been in love before, but nothing prepared me for the way she made me feel. I was falling for this girl faster than I knew possible, and just by being with her, I could tell that she felt something too.

When I left to go back home, everything changed. She started growing distant, seemingly irritated by my existence, limiting communication between us. I've asked her what's up, and she mentioned all of these issues she has. It's only been two months since her last breakup, and it was with a guy she was in love with that ended up cheating on her. She was afraid to get hurt again, and she didn't want to do long distance again (even though when she's back home in May, it'll only be an hour away). But that's not all. It seems like she's completely stopped liking me, even though I could feel a connection when we were together in person. If that's not enough she keeps flip flopping, saying that she misses me and stuff like that.

I know there's something there. I can feel it, and I can feel that she feels it. At the end of the day I almost get the feeling that she's forcing herself to not like me, subconsciously, as a defense measure to not get hurt again. I know that if she gave me a chance that I would never hurt her, and that I would love her unconditionally. I know her flaws and I know her quirks, but I accept them. I realize that until a more permanent solution arises, having a semi-long distance relationship is going to be tough, but I'm prepared to handle that for her, because I truly feel like she could be the one.

The thing is, I know that if I can get her to stick around long enough to truly be over her last relationship (she's very clearly not despite insisting that she is), and to see me again in person, that things can work out. I know that she likes me, but she keeps convincing herself that she doesn't and then subtly admitting that she does. In a way I feel like I'm being jerked around but I know she's not doing it deliberately. In fact, I don't even think she realizes she's doing it, and all the while I feel her slipping away a little more each day.

I just don't know what to do, guys. I've never felt such an urge to take a risk for a girl. I've never felt such a strong need to be with somebody than I do with her, and I know that she felt it too. And I know that beneath her conscious assertions, her subconscious feels it as well. What could I do to make her stick around? I'm not asking for a secret method to make her fall in love with me, because I know the world doesn't work that way. But I also know that if I can get through to her, that she can realize that what we have is real and it's special, and that if she just lets me in, that I could make her the happiest girl on the planet.

Sorry if this is hugely long, I just had a lot to get off my chest.

 

[tiger9110]

In that situation my suggestion would be to give her a little space and try not to shower her with infatuation. Make sure she knows you'll always be there no matter the situation without trying to force her into anything. As frustrating as it is with her doing what she is doing, if you really feel that she is doing it because she is worried about being hurt again, just stick with it and you will eventually know if things will work out or not.
PM me if you want to ask for any advice or my thoughts etc.

 

[El DLo]

Thanks for the tips. That's more or less what I'm trying to do. I don't want to crowd her or make her think like I'm pressuring her into liking me. I'm fully aware that if it's not going to work out, it's not going to work out whether I play a direct role in it or not. I'm just worried that if I give her this space, she'll disappear on me. The fact is that she's in a position to fall of the face of the Earth. Sure, I know where she goes to school, but it's 6 hours away from where I live. I wouldn't chase her there (for obvious reasons), and if she chooses to not respond to any messages well, then that's it.

I'm just worried that in her unstable state she might do something rash like pushing me away for good, when I know that in the right state of mind she wouldn't do that.

 

[tiger9110]

I've been in the same situation man, though my situation wasn't as intense as yours. At first it was like everything was perfect, then just like you she started growin distant, to the point where she dumped me on msn and dipped. I met her again after a year and she bursts into tears saying how much she missed me. If she'll let you, ask if you can meet up together and just talk about things. It's important you do that in person and not over messages. It just depends on the lengths you'll go to make things work out. I would try to do that as soon as possible before it's too late. You got nothing to loose at this point it seems.

 

[El DLo]

I've been in the same situation man, though my situation wasn't as intense as yours. At first it was like everything was perfect, then just like you she started growin distant, to the point where she dumped me on msn and dipped. I met her again after a year and she bursts into tears saying how much she missed me. If she'll let you, ask if you can meet up together and just talk about things. It's important you do that in person and not over messages. It just depends on the lengths you'll go to make things work out. I would try to do that as soon as possible before it's too late. You got nothing to loose at this point it seems.

Well, she's home on spring break next month and we were hoping to see eachother then. My hope is that she'll still want to by then, because I can't logically afford another weekend trip with 16 combined hours of traveling before then.

 

[tiger9110]

That will either make it or break it I suppose, tell her straight up how you feel kinda like what you told us here. Don't throw it in her face but make sure she understands everything you tell her.

 

[Aroxez]

I'm actually in this kind of situation now, my girlfriend thinks I'm always cheating on her. You need to show her how much you love her, and you're not in it for the sex (when you see each other) and that she really does mean the world to you. It's probably the only possibility, really.