It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, dds ranger, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely worried, dds ranger stroked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved black dildo was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, sith. dds ranger had known sith for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. sith was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... dimwitted. dds ranger called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
sith picked up to a very mad dds ranger. sith calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys belch before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually surreptitiously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting dds ranger. Why was sith trying to distract dds ranger? Because he had snuck out from dds ranger's with the black dildo only four days prior. It was an exotic little black dildo... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before dds ranger got back to the subject at hand: his black dildo. sith grimaced. Relunctantly, sith invited him over, assuring him they'd find the black dildo. dds ranger grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, sith realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the black dildo and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if dds ranger took the 'modded' Civic, he had take at least ten minutes before dds ranger would get there. But if he took the pony? Then sith would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, sith was interrupted by seven funny-smelling wildabeasts that were lured by his black dildo. sith belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he aptly reached for his ninja star and carefully deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the pony rolling up. It was dds ranger.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, dds ranger was out of the pony and went indiscriminately jaunting toward sith's front door. Meanwhile inside, sith was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the black dildo into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his whale. sith was exasperated but at least the black dildo was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' sith charismatically purred. With a skillful push, dds ranger opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted self-righteous ass in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' sith assured him. dds ranger took a seat conveniently far from where sith had hidden the black dildo. sith cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But dds ranger was distracted. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, sith noticed a abrasive look on dds ranger's face. dds ranger slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
sith felt a stabbing pain in his ear when dds ranger asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the black dildo right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on dds ranger's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. dds ranger nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before sith could react, dds ranger skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The black dildo was plainly in view.
dds ranger stared at sith for what what must've been eight millseconds. Just as zero people expected sith groped explosively in dds ranger's direction, clearly desperate. dds ranger grabbed the black dildo and bolted for the door. It was locked. sith let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, dds ranger,' he rebuked. sith always had been a little stupid, so dds ranger knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before sith did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his black dildo tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
sith looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from dds ranger. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for dds ranger. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. sith walked over to the window and looked down. dds ranger was gone.
Just yonder, dds ranger was struggling to make his way through the bush behind sith's place. dds ranger had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral wildabeasts suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the black dildo. One by one they latched on to dds ranger. Already weakened from his injury, dds ranger yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of wildabeasts running off with his black dildo.
About five hours later, dds ranger awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and dds ranger did not know where he was. Deep in the inhospitable secret vineyard, dds ranger was really lost. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he remembered that his black dildo was taken by the wildabeasts. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated wildabeast emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha wildabeast. dds ranger opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the wildabeast sunk its teeth into dds ranger's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from dds ranger's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, sith was entombed by anguish over the loss of the black dildo. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened banana. With a heroic thrust, he buried it deeply into his taint. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about dds ranger... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the black dildo that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant wildabeasts, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
