Girlfriend keeps having this strange dream...

So my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months now, I truly love her and I never loved a girl like I love her. But straight to the point, 2 months ago we where having dinner and we where talking about a girl I know that had been sexualy abused by her step-father after the conversation she didnt speak much that evening when we where going to sleep she started crying and obviously I asked why she was, she responded that she had been dreaming about her oldest cousin raping her at young age (4-5 when he was 15-16) the dreams are always in the same room but the actions are always different.

I made her feel comfortable and told her everything was okay and they where just dreams but I keep thinking about it, I cant stand the thought of her being raped of someone else touching her etc. it really makes me sick only thinking about it.

Now my question is what I have to do about this and how I can handle this, because I feel like having a go at her cousin every time I see him but Im not even sure he really did abuse her. She is 17 now and the dreams started a couple months ago. She stopped thinking about it and didnt get any dream since (thats what she tells me) but I havent stopped thinking about it for a second.

Excuse me for any spelling mistakes, English isnt my first language.

 

I feel the same with my gf. I can't stand the thought of anyone hurting or touching her. I don't know what I would do if I found out she was raped and killed.

Take her to a therapist, she might've blocked that memory in her mind but its beginning to seep through. Or try to get her to remember it, it will be painful but it could be true.

 

Coming from somebody whos been molested from 5-8, it never really leaves your mind knowing somebody has violated you, especially somebody you know. Now I dont have any dreams about it but you usually dream about things that are on your mind. I hope she finds peace in her dreams & good luck to you guys!

 

Dreams come from your subconscious, this can be from memories. Such as putting bits and pieces of things you have seen together and making something that has never happened before "real", such as the cousin, the room they are in, the pillow on the bed, the t-shirt he is wearing, the age either of them are all being separate things like cutting different pieces out of a magazine and making one picture out of them. So in turn the dream could be a mixture of any number of things she saw put together to form this nightmare, brought on by a rape scene in a movie, you guys talking about this other victims past, or any number of other stimulants.

Or a dream can be reliving an actual event that has happened in the past, being 4-5 years old when it happened would most likely lead to storing it away in the subconscious, where it is now breaking free. Personally I can hardly remember anything from before I was 8, only bits and pieces, but still very little, this may be my own suppression of something that I have yet to learn but may surface eventually.

If she is having nearly the same dream even if it isn't every night it still means something even though the activities in the dream itself differ. For most criminals, drug users, and rapists they tend not to be the one and done type. So if her cousin found an easy target, being the 4 year old she was at the time, logically he would continue to rape her. Not just once or twice unless the opportunity was extremely rare (such as living in different cities, parents asked him to babysit only once, or any number of different conditions that would prevent him from doing it again).

The room always being the same and the cousin always being the rapist leads me to believe that those pieces are burned into her memory from emotional trauma. Where the same thing doesn't happen every time in the dream, that makes me think she was abused multiple times in the same room, reliving each event on the different nights in her dreams or bits and pieces of each time it happened spread throughout the different nights.


The way I see it the following are the most logical
Either she can't remember these events actually happening and these dreams are the beginning of her realization and remembering it after your conversation or any number other memory aids towards the subject where I'm guessing you brought up a few details that hit home. This would explain the crying and her being silent after your conversation at dinner
Or she has known of it happening and is just now opening that part of herself up to you about it after she believed that you care enough to understand, would support her through it, and wouldn't run off because of it. This would also explain the crying after the dream, and the silence / contemplation after your conversation directly before you believe the dreams began. But if she had known of it, the dreams may have been present much earlier than just now.
Or what is least likely in my opinion it was all a weird coincidence and the consecutive nightmares were brought on from something possibly related to abuse/rape but not actually having anything to do with her cousin or her other than some sort of hatred for him ranging anywhere from he stole my bike when we were kids to he threw me off a cliff and tried to kill me, or no hatred towards him at all, it all just being a random coincidence. This would mean the silence at dinner was a coincidence and you grasped at straws that weren't there or it was unrelated to the current conversation, and the the crying was the result of a terrifying nightmare that seemed real but had no meaning.

In a relationship you have to be willing to tell each other anything and be willing to hear any number of horrific experiences, regardless of how hard it is to tell or hear. In even the best relationships you learn new things about your spouse years into it, and even till death. So if she is just now opening up about it, or just now beginning to relive it you have to be there for her through this completely understandable emotional breakdown.

In regards to confronting the cousin, I would consult your girlfriend first. If you say something to him and it isn't true he could ruin her reputation with the family completely by spreading what she said he did to her to everyone, this could also happen as a defense mechanism if he had done it so it would be hard to tell if he is lying or not. Also it sounds like he is much older than either of you and if he did get violent you may not get far in the conversation, that would show you his level of guilt and may even get him sent to jail depending if you press charges or have proof he did it, if you do go that route be smart, at the very least use your voice recorder on your phone when confronting him so anything that happens has a record, do not let him know he is being recorded, keep it in your pocket and let things play out as if no recorder was present.

If she just really doesn't want to talk about it, that usually means there is something to talk about and all of this wasn't some out of nowhere and now its gone experience. The hardest things to say can break you down to less than nothing, completely exposing yourself in the light of running makeup, snot bubbles, dry heaving from so much crying, and much more. So you have to show her that you are ready to see that side and comfort her through it. If she absolutely refuses to talk about it in depth or at all back up and wait till she is/seems ready.

Sorry for the long response, but this hit home a bit and any family member that abuses another shouldn't be able to walk a straight line once the bat of justice breaks their skull.

 

I have no advice for you, but I know exactly what you mean. I dated a girl for a little over a year on and off. About 3-4 month in when thing were great she told me she had been abused by her uncle at a young age. I thought about it until the day we ended things. In retrospect, I feel like an idiot. She told me this right after telling me she had seen her ex at a funeral earlier in the week, he kissed her, and told me she had two abortions with that same ex before dating me.

 

She was sure it happened before you told a story and she had the dream or it just presented itself as a realisation? Can't really gather which from your OP.

If it's the former rather than latter then don't go at it full throttle. Maybe try and somehow get an admission out of him and take it to court.

 

Statute of limitations on this has probably expired.

 

Depends where he's from

 

Victims of rape, regardless of when it happened, how it happened, or who did it, suffer considerably throughout the rest of their lives. In all honesty, this is something that is going to stay with your gf probably until the day she dies. A close friend of my own was raped and has flashbacks every single weekend.

It absolutely sucks, but there is not a whole lot that you can do besides be there for her when she needs you. As for what to do, leave it to her. When someone is raped, the victim is left absolutely powerless, and sometimes that feeling persists for years. By you directly doing something about it, you may make her feel powerless since she wouldn't be the one making the decision. Instead, present to her the options of what she can do. She could do nothing, she could press charges, she could inform the family, and the list goes on. None of those are bad decisions either, but the decision is really only up to her to make. Honestly, I'd just present the options that are available to her and when or if she chooses what she wants to do anything, just support her and help her get there to the best of your ability.

Also present to her the option of seeing a therapist. They may be able to help considerably, especially because they quite often deal with patients that have had things like this happen to them.

However, if she doesn't want to talk about it, then don't persist. If you want her to be able to trust you, she needs to feel safe with you, and by always talking to her about what happened, she will be left feeling very uncomfortable regardless of the fact that you just want the best for her. If she won't talk about it now, just give it some time. Eventually she might randomly bring it up. But she first just needs to show herself that she can trust you and rely on you to give her support, even if that support might be not doing anything for a little while.

 

Memories are tricky things, and dreams even more so. It's possible her cousin did abuse her. It's also possible that someone else abused her, but for some reason she associates the memory with her cousin (when perhaps it was a friend of his). Or she could be making it all up for attention. The point is, unless she told someone at the time or wrote it down, there's really no way to be sure.

Perhaps it's better for her not to know, but if the possibility of the abuse is really troubling her, you can try taking her to a hypnotherapist. (Contrary to popular belief, hypnosis isn't considered quack psychology by the scientific community. It's actually a real thing. [here are probably some useful youtube videos on the subject). Hypnosis can help clarify memories that the conscience mind can't fully access.

Unfortunately, memories recovered via hypnosis aren't valid in court. The only way to press charges would be to find someone else that her cousin abused with a clear account of the incident and within the statute of limitations. Most offenders don't do it just once.

 

Have her talk to someone about it, a psychologist, abuse is a tough thing. Keep her comforted.

 

The cousin is 28-29 and I am 20 just for the record.

Im just holding on to she made this all up in her head, that would be the best for both the of us I think. The last time I spoke to her about it was 2 days ago, she said she wasnt thinking anymore about it, had no more dreams and tried to just not think about it. Maybe I should just let it go? If its not really bothering her maybe I should not make her feel bad?

I dont think it would stand in court anyway, in the end they are just dreams and there is no hard evidence to make it even worse this happend when she lived in Poland and she moved (to Belgium, where we both live) when she was 6. Normaly she visits Poland every summer but since this year she refuses to go there anymore (so happy about that). The way I see is that she doesnt think to much about it anymore and I see it as a good thing, I probaly will have it on my mind alot but Im happy for her that she is sure they where just dreams and they are nothing to worry about. I dont feel the same about that but its not about my feelings its about hers so if she is happy with this I guess I feel the same way..

I have mixed feelings about it, there isnt any justice if it just stays like this (maybe she didnt even get raped, rape is a common subject in society and she couldve made it up in her head) but I dont feel like making this decision for her I didnt bring up going to court and stuff I feel like this is her problem that doesnt mean I will let her face it alone but I dont want to push her into things only causing her more sadness if that makes any sense .

So I guess thats it, there is only one more thing I forgot to mention in my OP in the dreams her cousin was sometimes younger and sometimes she saw him as he is now (12 years older).

Thanks for the support, I will probaly update this sometime..

 

Any more advice, to be honest this is keeping me up at night...

 

Try to help her forget about the past maybe stay the night with her,