Everything is slowly falling apart.

[Help.]

If you asked me 3 years ago, when I was graduating high school, where I expected to be, my situation now is the last thing I would have pictured.

Where do I start?..

I've been growing apart from most of my friends, barely talk to a lot of them now, and vice versa.

My job right now is completely awful. I've never been this stressed and angry in my entire life. I'm always on edge, ready to blow up at any moment. I've gone from smoking weed socially to smoking multiple times a day; that's the only thing keeping my sane right now.

I gave up multiple sports scholarships to be with my girlfriend, as most were up north (which was another dream I gave up, living where it snows). Now I severely regret that, and my worsening situation doesn't help the cause.

I have zero motivation to live. I'm not going to commit suicide, as that's the wrong way to solve things, but I have no reason to keep living. I wake up in the morning, and just wish I didn't exist.

I'm not happy. Ever. When I smile or laugh, it's forced. When I appear to be happy, I'm slowly dying on the inside.

I lost someone who meant a GREAT deal to me, over half a year ago, and I'm still haunted by their memory. In my dreams, memories, daydreams, everything. I can't stop thinking about it. Nothing makes the pain go away.

There's no way I can continue to pay my rent, and thus will have to move out when my lease is up next month. My last resort, living with my girlfriend, isn't happening. She's more worried about what her parents will think than the fact that I'll have to move hundreds of miles away, and live with my mom. I gave up everything to be with her and make it work, and now it's all for nothing. So much happiness scarified, for it to mean nothing in the end. Living with someone else isn't an option, I have nobody else here to turn to.. Just her.

I'm almost positive we can't make a long distance relationship work. She's going to eventually break up with me, and she's pretty much the only thing I have going for myself right now. I know it's normal for relationships to end, and eventually I'll get over her (or at least stop feeling the pain), but when this relationship is literally the only thing that keeps me going, how am I going to react when she shatters my world?

I don't know why I'm posting this. I thought getting my thoughts and feelings out, and writing them down, would make me feel better, but it really didn't. Writing everything down just makes me contemplate on how pathetic my life is, and how much of a fuck up I am.

This isn't even everything, to be honest. I'm just going to end it here, because I'm late for work and have to go spend 8 hours pretending to be happy, and trying to feel normal.

 

[kill dank]

Have you told her this? Maybe if she knew your situation with the rent and having to move away and what you gave up for her she'd be more inclined to let you stay with her. Also, maybe you could put an ad in the paper or something and try to find a roommate. You said you don't know anyone, but I'm sure there are other people in your circumstances that would be looking for someone to split rent with somewhere. just a thought.

 

[rsgoldman]

Have you told her this? Maybe if she knew your situation with the rent and having to move away and what you gave up for her she'd be more inclined to let you stay with her. Also, maybe you could put an ad in the paper or something and try to find a roommate. You said you don't know anyone, but I'm sure there are other people in your circumstances that would be looking for someone to split rent with somewhere. just a thought.

What he said is pretty much ur best options

 

Hhhmmm :/
I replied to this on my Ipod last night.. :s

Anyway..
I suggest speaking to someone and telling them how you feel, preferably your girlfriend, she should help you out. If she doesn't then she isn't a very good girlfriend, she shouldn't care what people think, if you love each other you will help each other out.
I highly suggest giving up weed as well, although it may make you feel good when you're smoking it, it makes you feel bad afterwards as your high has gone. Resulting to drugs is never the answer.
You also need to think on the bright side, yes you may lose your current home, but if you do lose it you will be living with your parents or girlfriend, living with them will give you some time on your hands as you no longer need to worry about your rent, you can use your money for things you like doing and perhaps take your girlfriend out for helping you.
What kill dank said was good to, about trying to find a room mate, if you do then not only will you have half the rent to pay but you will also have a new friend to talk to.