I don't even know where to turn anymore...

My whole life has been ups and downs, mostly downs. I've met my own father just a handful of times, mostly when he was trying to get his child support payment lowered and wanted to look good for the court. He's got all the money in the world, supports all of his other kids, even one in prison for selling drugs to an undercover cop and let one of them live in his big nice mansion smoking meth for a few years. But before and ever since he went to court to try and get child support payment lowered he never calls. If anything is/was needed such as new insurance cards his wife would be the one to call. I'm 20 now, so I'm not even costing him any money, and I havn't heard a word out of him since I was 14, and before that since I was to young to remember.

In 2010 my daughter was born, who I have only seen 3 times in her entire life. The mother is a bitch and is whats standing between me and my kid. About 2 months before my daughter was born I got her name tattooed on my arm and the mother went as far as to change how the name was spelled when she was born just to try and hurt me.

Since I was 13 I've been heavy in drugs and alcohol. I've tried lots of drugs; I've smoked pot regularly since I was 13. I've tried meth and it just made me sick, I fell in love with cocaine, smoked crack for a week straight, my main fix for a long time was liquid PCP, tripped on shrooms, shot heroine twice, shot novacaine and morphine, drank until I pissed myself and drank some more, and took a single hit of opium. I've been told I should have died but didn't.

I drink here and there on weekends still, but havn't used any hard drugs in over a year and rarely smoke pot anymore, but only because my dealer moved away to go to college and I don't really have any friends. I avoid contact with as many people as possible these days and only talk with my wife or online friends. If I knew where to get it, I'd still smoke weed as often as possible.

Two things happened to me recently that have caused me to just not know what to do with myself anymore.

When I was 14 I fell in love for the first time. With a girl named Bethany. We never dated. But I tried to prove myself to her constantly. I did anything I could to try and make her mine. I got close once, but my "best friend" told her some shit that wasn't true, he had also been her friend all her life, their parents had been friends so they literally knew each other since they were toddlers. And it pushed her away from me, and he took her for his own. Thats when most of the hard drug use started. Violence has always been an answer to me, and always will be, theres no way to change that. I tried to attack him multiple times but he either ran away or she got between me and him and I wouldn't do anything in that kind of situation. A little before my 16th birthday I tried to kill myself. I slit my wrists and fell asleep in a puddle of my own blood. But I woke up, with my wrists caked in blood and most of my body and matress stained red. I dont know how much blood a person can lose before they die, but I'm absolutely certain I shouldn't have been alive.

My wife's name is also Bethany. And everytime I call her by name it feels weird. I try to call her pet names and things as often as possible to avoid the feeling. Last night I had a dream about the other Bethany, and I woke up with a sick feeling and this nasty spiteful voice in the back of my head that told me "this isn't how your life should be, it was supposed to be with her". I have a sick feeling that this could end up hurting or even ending my marriage.

The other thing, I have been looking for a job since I was 16 years old. I dropped out of school to find work because the school work was to easy and I wanted to work, not sit behind a desk reading all day and being "taught" things I've known for years. Last month I took my GED and passed with flying colors without studying or anything. I guess I'm just smart.

Since I was 16, I've only been called in for 1 interview for a job. I've applied literally hundreds of places and re-applied at each of them every 3 - 4 months. Called in to check on my apps. Nothing has prevailed. Not having a job, I can't pay for the child support on a kid I never even get to see. I recently wanted to take the problem to court and get shared custody with her here with me on the weekends. I borrowed 7 dollars from my grandparents to print out and fill out over 50 pages of legal documents I needed. Spent around 4 hours finding the information to fill them out. Took them to the court house and was told the filing fee was 140.00 dollars and the serving fee was 35.65. Thats not the kind of money my family will loan me, because I don't have a job to pay them back and I already owe my grandparents almost 800 dollars for bailing me out of jail and paying my court fines last year for a drug and paraphernalia charge.

Yesterday, I got a letter from the child support collection agency that stated I had 10 days to call them and explain why I havn't paid any child support and owe 5 grand in backed child support or they would turn the case over to a prosecuting attorney.

So both my marriage and my freedom could be at risk. I dont know how to react. Its bad enough just to try and survive in the world today, but I cant even try to figure out how to deal with this shit.

 

That sure is a heavy burden you're carrying on your shoulders, you should let it out to someone (other than here), a problem shared is a problem halved.

Have you ever considered business on Sythe? You could try something online whilst you look for a job IRL. Maybe you're just looking in the wrong places? Go to a job center and talk through your qualities with a careers advisor. They'll help you apply to everything going and you can maybe find something there.

Again, like I've suggested all over this section, look for apprenticeships. Don't need muxh experience and they're looking for cheap labour (which you'll be), after a few months they usually offer employment.

Your dad may just be in a way, embarrassed that he hasn't been there and doesn't know how to be there. Try and contact him first, just be real genuine and ask to see him. I'm sure that deep down he does care, and you might as well try to get on.. you only have one dad and you never know when you wont. Make it happen.

Sounds like your ex sucks, I'd hold off trying to win custody until you can prove that you're able to provide and work hard for your daughter.

I'm sorry I can't be any more help, good luck man.

 

thanks for your suggestions, however I've tried that with my dad, he just says "maybe this summer" or "next time i have time off work" after 3 or 4 years of trying after I saw him when I was 14 I just gave up.

 

It might be different now you're older. Don't give up trying, trust me it's worth it

 

This was hard to read, not because it was poorly written but because it tugged at my heartstrings a lot. I'm really sorry to hear you're dealing with this myriad of problems. If your dad is well off, but distant, I would still try to get a face to face meeting with him. Call him out on his lack of compassion if need be, he is your father after all. Call him out on his lack of parenting...seriously if the bridges cannot be repaired between you two, I would let him have a piece of my mind. Why? Because the behavior you describe is deplorable, especially the fact that he has the audacity to try and get child support payments lowered when he is THAT WELL OFF. I would seriously describe the situation to him, how you feel hurt and betrayed by his negligence towards you, how you could work to pay him back, etc etc. I understand I'm giving 2 sets of advice -- so I'll clarify. I would initially start out by trying to establish a relationship with him -- not for financial gain, but for a legitimate relationship between the two of you that has been absent. See if you can establish something, and if not, I'd call him out, it's not like you have anything to lose. Maybe a wake-up call will give him an epiphany, you'd be surprised.

As for the childhood crush, I can certainly relate. You can feel free to read the thread I posted in the personal support section not too long ago. I had that kind of childhood crush on the girl I describe (who does not even speak to me anymore and hates my guts). I dream about her at least once a week and wake up miserable. I can definitely relate to that aspect of your life, but sadly not your dads negligence..my dad is a big part of the reason I'm still here today....

Where did this huge sum of money that you owe arise from? Can your wife help out at all on the financial side of things? Why not start an online business right here on Sythe to help get you some money? Is there any extended, outside family you have that can help with a possible loan to pursue shared custody? Old friends?


Keep me updated, I'm interested about how this progresses, and pray you overcome it my friend. I'd be willing to try and help you out in trying to get/figure out how to get funds together for pursuing shared custody.

 

After reading through I would also try and come in contact with your father the situation can't be any worse then it is now.

 

Huge sum of money is from not having a job and being unable to pay child support for over 3 years now. However I might follow your advice about the dad problem, but theres a part of me that isnt even 100% sure I even want to be in his life anymore... It's become less of a sad feeling and more of a reason to just hate him and never want to see him again.