Depression.. is still here..

I've made several posts about my depression and the last one was back in December if I remember correctly. Since then I've started doing a lot of stuff in my life aside from School and video games. My schedule is now jam packed.

I've started Krav Maga(israeli martial arts), Volunteer work, running(2 miles a night last week and increasing.. I'm on a 12 week plan). I'm also fitting excessive amounts of choir into all that before and after school. I have very little time for video games anymore which used to be all I did.. maybe 1-2 hours now if any time at all. I got an SAT score good enough to get me into any college in the state and accepted into a prestigious leadership camp this summer, which I just feel "meh" about.

Plenty of people went, "Oh start exercising, it releases endorphins and you won't be depressed". Well fuck them. I ran over 30 miles last month(good for just starting as far as I'm concerned) and I feel more or less the same as I used to. Playing video games for 8-10 hours straight was something to distract me from all the stress and such. I didn't have to worry about anything if I was too focused on ECM-raping a Drake or whatever.

For me, it's like there are moments of clarity. There are moments where I can stop and take a step back, and THAT is when it hits me. Most of the time there is a trigger. Someone will say something, maybe not even to me, or I'll hear something on tv. I'll stop and quiet down and retreat back into my mind. I'll run through everything that I'm doing and try to figure out what's changed. Have I changed? Has the world changed? Has ANYTHING changed? No, it hasn't. I do all these things to make myself look appealing to the Air Force Academy, and my schedule is so full that I rarely have time to think. Time for it to hit me. I hate operating like a machine, just going through the motions - it doesn't feel like any way to live.

I think about all the hard work that I'm doing and how sometimes even my best isn't good enough. I know inside me that there will always be an easier way out that I'm never strong enough to take. I don't have anyone to talk to that is competent enough to REALLY understand what I'm going through. I used to go to therapy last summer, but I'd always leave angry from a lack of answers.

I've always had a feeling about depression - that it doesn't go away. Every day more and more I believe that some things you just can't fix. Maybe genetics just dealt me a shit hand and this is a pit that I CAN'T climb out of. No matter how much I do or how hard I try it never feels like enough. Sometimes it will get better, and some times it will get worse, but I don't want better or worse. I want GONE. I don't want to live depression standing around in the background anymore and I'm SICK of making posts here thinking that someone out there has the answers.

Will it ever go away?

 

Join the military, my friend. It changed me in a lot of ways. The civilian world doesn't really have a WHOLE lot to offer you it seems.
I'm in the same boat as you. I work typically anywhere from 20-30 hours at my part-time job, exercise, volunteer, and look for full-time work as well as random stuff like going on Sythe and playing video games.
People in the civilian world typically do the same shit day in and day out with some variation.
I can't find a good girlfriend. Why? Not because I don't lack the social skills, but because every girl out there is literally the same. They either think they're not good enough looking or put themselves on pedestals. That's why I stopped looking.
There is literally nothing to do in the civilian world.

 

Yeah. That's why I'm going Air Force but I still have to survive 4 years of the Academy or ROTC. I just don't think I could be satisfied working a regular job unless I was fucking filthy ads rich. Too much monotony.

 

That's the thing about depression. During it, you always feel like there's no escape. You can't imagine that there is a way out, or that it will get better. Everyone says "Just wait, it'll get better with time", but no matter how much time you give it, it stays the same and you feel like shit and everything constantly goes wrong. You want answers? There are none. You want a solution? There is none. No magic pill, not working out, not being gluttonous. There is no solution.

You won't believe me when I tell you that it is simply a time-based illness. I didn't believe anyone either. I can tell you nothing you haven't already heard, and I know that it will not be enough. I have no answers, and in all honesty neither does anyone-civillian, doctor, or shrink. I was going to kill myself, just as I suppose you are planning on doing if things don't get better, but I didn't. Everyone had some solution, I didn't believe any of it, because none of it worked. I'm not writing this to give you a solution, or to tell you that you should feel hope for a future that you cannot even see. You probably feel so drained and depressed that the only feeling you can muster about the future is a faint curiosity, something that is far too uninteresting to keep you on this planet.

How did I survive? How did I keep living?

Shame.

Shame on you, sir, for thinking that this world is about you. Shame on you for feeling these things, living for yourself. Not everyone was made to simply live for themselves, in search of their own inner happiness. I see nothing in your post to suggest you tried to help someone else, to suggest that you tried to reach out to another in a way that was not asking them for help, but rather helping them and in turn helping yourself. If you cannot live for yourself, live for another, or others. The fact is that you killing yourself is not going to harm you in the least. Sure, you'll be dead, but after ~10 seconds, if you use an efficient suicide tactic, nothing will exist to you anymore. Suicide is the most selfish act in the book. You feel nothing, no pain, but no relief either, but that doesn't matter, really. You will leave behind an unanswered question to all those who loved you, who knew you, who had ever known you: Why?

Continue living, if only for the idea that the shame would be unbearable if you were to kill yourself. Imagine all of the pain you would cause by leaving this earth. I challenge you to shoulder your depression, to accept that burden, keeping in mind that you are not living for yourself, you are living for others. If you can make one other person's life better by continuing, then it is your duty... No, your honor, to continue living.

I cannot change your mind, but I will let you know that it doesn't go away for some, not for me, but it will be worth it when you give yourself fully to others. I don't need self-fulfillment, I don't need luxury, and I don't need things to make me "feel good". I live simply because people want me to live. If I was alone, if I had made no impact on the lives of others, I would feel what you are feeling, but I don't. This may not be your solution, but if you honestly, truly, think that suicide will give you the answers or relief you are looking for, you are wrong.

 

Depression will go away eventually you just have to find that thing that makes you forget about the issues that are causing it.

 

This may have helped you out but it certainly does not me. I do not think the world is about me, and nor have I ever(except maybe when I was five).

This is the most disgusting argument against suicide that I've ever heard, and I've argued against it dozens of times. Many claim that if one is to commit suicide, it's selfish because others would be miserable and sad without them. It is the other way around. It is SELFISH of others to moan and cry about the loss of a friend/family member who has just ESCAPED from years of misery. They have freed themselves of an enormous burden and pain that few can understand. To suggest that these individuals should continue to live solely for other people is just wrong. We are human beings, not pets. You don't house us and feed us for your own amusement and to keep you company - that is true selfishness.

In my post I did not say or imply I was turning to suicide, nor do I currently plan it, but I will ALWAYS have an understanding for those that do. We are not here to serve.

 

It's probably one of the bravest things someone could do.

Are you on medication for depression? I think it may hinder you joining the forces, but if you still feel this way then it's definitely clinical. Depression is not when bad things are happening and you're saddened, it's when things are going well but you still can't help being sad or depressed.

 

You posted a quote from Stargate which made it seem that you were turning towards suicide. As this is not a debate, I will refrain from attacking the premise of your argument, but the fact that you believe suicide is an "ESCAPE" is wrong. To escape is to feel emotion, to feel relief because your burden is gone. You will never feel that if you commit suicide. You will not be relieved just before you die. Trust me, I've tried.

As for being brave, for one to be brave one must be facing some terrible unknown. In OP's predicament, his "Hell", if you will, is what he is living, not what he will find after death. There is nothing brave about escape through suicide.

 

No, I went cold turkey on the anti-depressants back in December. I believe that would have been a problem with the Air Force but it shouldn't be now that I'm off them.

The definition of escape is to break free of control.. depression controls your life in many ways so therefore to end it and put a stop to your unhappiness is an escape, at least as I see it. I personally don't feel horribly bad for people who commit suicide - I rejoice, and not in a cruel way, but I'm happy that they no longer have to suffer through whatever led them to such a drastic action. That belief might be messed up, and it certainly freaks people out, but that's just my opinion.

I've always been able to rationalize suicide and I'm not entirely sure that's normal. My main problem is that regardless of how much I do or how great my accomplishments are, I never feel satisfied with them. I've said dozens of times that most people would be overjoyed to have all I do, an expensive phone, a nice house, a sports car, good grades, etc. but I'm just not "happy" with it. I'm content a majority of the time and then waves of sadness and depression will come. More infrequently than they used to say a year ago but the fact that I'm doing all this and still having issues with it is concerning to me. I don't know that I'll ever be happy with what I've got. I mean what if I work for an entire year to get into the Air Force Academy then just slip back into depression or mentally can't handle it? I don't even know how I'd handle it if I plain just didn't get accepted, it's literally my only motivation in life.

 

Maybe you need good friends? We, as human beings need people.
Civilization has messed up this idea of "needing people."
If two cavemen found a deer, one would build a trap and the other would chase the deer into the trap.
Part of the reason why I am able to survive the part-time job I'm working now is because of my co-workers.
II met some really good friends in the military. Friends I may have again one day, but most people in my eyes are generally the same. They are out for themselves in the end. They go to work, talk a little, do a little work then go home and watch t.v. and do it over and over again.