Cousins; Forgive or forget?

[wtfomfgbbq101]

Going to keep it short but to the point.

Background:
Ok, Well I visiting the islands with my mother they both wanted to be my friends and I was their role model (so I thought) so I was like cool I got young friends!(2008 visit trip) lol. My family is spread out and not much communication.(everyone is really poor in the islands). They are both(11yo&12yo boys) at that time back in 2009. I'm over 18 now and it's been a while now well not too long ago.

So main story;

So around 2009 I worked my butt off really hard making cash to go visit them and bring them lots of goodies they would otherwise never have. So I went I was extremely happy to see them! I barely ever have anyone to talk due to college and school work and job..Typical life..... and I didn't really have much of a child hood due to things out of my control so I didn't really have any friends through my teens. When I got there I slept through the first day and visit them at their home early in the morning at their house. They looked very puzzled and did not care much which to me shocked me and I was like okay well what the fuck did I do.. I know I have not been in their life which I kind of blame myself for that but i know I shouldn't maybe.

So I went back and gave them everything I brought. They really liked it but I did not even get a hug or a thank you. I know they can be assholes at times.When they took me out to visit places around the islands they started to play with their street friends and not give a fuck about me they were forced by their mother to show me around which I kind of panic due to I didn't want to be a part of the yelling and screaming.They rather use me to buy them stuff by asking me and pleading and I fell for it most times because I felt sorry and guilty at same time for not helping them sooner but then I got tired into pleading demands.They are very close to real poverty so it frustrates me even further that they use me instead of just sitting next to me on the bench or something it's not like I demand anything from them.So when they had school and could not visit me which I was told by the mother and I agree they should look after their education first. Then came in seasonal holidays and they didn't even come visit me while I was there. After working my ass for nothing and I felt really use so I walked away and didn't look back since then. I went to the airport and just left.Now my whole family talks about how nasty I am leaving on short notice because some stupid kids. These kids are really nice people I know that but I don't know the other side of their life nor much about them just a peak when I am there. At these ages I would think they would know what is right and what is wrong so I don't know why they gave me a false hope and use me.
To this day I still am angry and I can't let go..Should I just move on
or forgive them and just call it childish things?

 

[blazinfasstt]

i think your the one that gave yourself false hope and let them use you.

you were so preoccupied with your needs you may have overlooked that they are at an age when rebellion is natural and their friends are all they care about.

they will grow out of it.

i think you need to stop taking things so personally.
not every thing people do is an attack against you.

there may also be an class barrier.

poor kids often do not like richer kids and will ostracize them in many situations.

 

[SexayMistahBee]

Did you tell your aunt your side of the story?
after all, this happened because they weren't well enough disciplined.

 

[wtfomfgbbq101]

Did you tell your aunt your side of the story?
after all, this happened because they weren't well enough disciplined.

Yes, I have had lengthy talks with her a few times while I was there. She's a very very kind person,but she rather have the kids on the streets then raise them inside the house hold... I told her before I left I would never come back and she knows they used me and even cried at a point she felt very ashamed. She and the step dad have more than repeatedly asked for them to hang around with me while I visited them but nothing seemed to work.

 

[wtfomfgbbq101]

i think your the one that gave yourself false hope and let them use you.

you were so preoccupied with your needs you may have overlooked that they are at an age when rebellion is natural and their friends are all they care about.

they will grow out of it.

i think you need to stop taking things so personally.
not every thing people do is an attack against you.

there may also be an class barrier.

poor kids often do not like richer kids and will ostracize them in many situations.

You are correct I may have given myself false hope, sadly at least I was happy having any hope at all.

I don't take things very personal it just bugs me about being used. Should they know from right and wrong?Empathy?
I would stray less from class barrier, I treated them like I treat everyone else and they knew that very well. They knew I was there to ONLY see them. No-one else.

 

[blazinfasstt]

You are correct I may have given myself false hope, sadly at least I was happy having any hope at all.

I don't take things very personal it just bugs me about being used. Should they know from right and wrong?Empathy?
I would stray less from class barrier, I treated them like I treat everyone else and they knew that very well. They knew I was there to ONLY see them. No-one else.

does it matter if they know your version of right and wrong?
does it matter if they show strong empathy?

i say no
let them live their lives
you will all eventually mature and possibly decide to be around eachother.
whatever you do, dont get their parents/aunts to force them to be around you. the worst thing you can do is make being around you seem like an obligation.

get on with your life and come back to this issue later to see how their personalities have developed.

it can get worse or it can get better. you are unlikely to influence which.

just go with it.

 

[JRSmithfan1]

Hey man.
You have to realize that there are different customs between cultures.

Like you said, they live in a poor country..
They might not want to feel "pitied" or anything.
Or they just can't express their gratitude the way you expect them to.

They are just kids.
And family will be there forever, no matter what.
So try looking at it through their eyes.

And the part about them leaving with their friends..
How do you know they aren't talking about you?
Maybe they are telling all their friends..
"That's my cousin! He gave me presents from (Wherever you're from.)"

Maybe in a few years, you go back..
They will show you the present you gave them in mint condition.
To show you how much they cherished it throughout the years.

I think you should forgive.
They are family, and family should NEVER turn their back on another family member for such a small incident.

 

[wtfomfgbbq101]

I have a very very hard time forgiving.It just doesn't come natural to me. Also when they just left me to play with friends they did not talk about me that's for sure. They did it repeated times not just one time.

 

[bobboy]

^ jeez tough man

 

[bapesta818]

forgive but never forget

 

[wtfomfgbbq101]

Thanks for advice ^

 

[Soulbarrage]

Forgive them.
They are poor kids, with little in their life. Having some material things means a lot to them, more than people. On their island, it is unlikely that they meet new people, it is natural they would choose their friends over you. This is similar to what happens when volunteers and humanitarian convoys go to any secluded area. You will either have people who offer you everything and treat you with extreme respect; or you will be treated as a social pariah.

Long story short, its really not their fault(nor is it yours), and you shouldn't think about it too much. For people who don't meet any new people, it is not uncommon for them to stick with the known instead of venture into the unknown. Furthermore, they are young; you should not take what they have done too seriously.

Also, have you considered telling your family what happened? I don't think they will continue to be so negative if you just tell them what had happened.

 

[blazinfasstt]

Forgive them.
They are poor kids, with little in their life. Having some material things means a lot to them, more than people. On their island, it is unlikely that they meet new people, it is natural they would choose their friends over you. This is similar to what happens when volunteers and humanitarian convoys go to any secluded area. You will either have people who offer you everything and treat you with extreme respect; or you will be treated as a social pariah.

Long story short, its really not their fault(nor is it yours), and you shouldn't think about it too much. For people who don't meet any new people, it is not uncommon for them to stick with the known instead of venture into the unknown. Furthermore, they are young; you should not take what they have done too seriously.

Also, have you considered telling your family what happened? I don't think they will continue to be so negative if you just tell them what had happened.

gee, that is one hell of a presumption.

I would expect the opposite. they aren't dependent upon material things as much as people with more money, i would think.

 

[wtfomfgbbq101]

What gets me the most is that they are old enough to differ between the actions they do and how they do them. We are not talking about 5 year olds.

I don't think that an economic aspect should be stressed upon. They eat everyday and have to go to school and just typical life but without affording much hence poverty but not a poverty like Africa per say. I do agree with blazin and to answer the previous question; Yes, my family knows but still talks crap so it doesn't change the facts.

I don't know what I should do due to the amount of BS i took from them and they should have treated me ALOT better then trash. They KNEW I was there just for them and instead let me waste my time there and not tell me how they felt. They know well they can tell me anything and how they feel. So I am not sure anymore...

 

[blazinfasstt]

just with hold judgment for a few years until they grow up.

no sense committing or abandoning right now.

 

[okkk]

I think your overreacting. Wait until they turn about 17/18, then go visit. Thats when they will be more worried about work/college/school and though they wont have much time for visiting, you could offer help with their schoolwork. They SHOULD have also matured by now, so I'm guessing ya know...itll be better. :L

 

[wtfomfgbbq101]

Thanks for everyone input. I guess people are different and I need to relax more about the issue.