Child Abuse

[iToke_Herb]

First, I want to say I never expected to post a thread on here for advice and all I aimed to do was give my own. I usually solve my own problems, but my circumstances have become so severe that I need something to help me carry on or solve my problems.

I grew up in an Asian family. In these families, strict discipline is requisite and rampant, I grew to accept this and I turned out to become a good and just person because punishment is swift and hard in my family. So my definition of child abuse is different than others who say any violent physical contact against a child is abuse.

I am now 18, and about to graduate high school, and after taking 18 years of beatings for the triflest reasons I am ready to leave. In my family, I am very quiet and choose not to talk to them, my father is a lazy bastard who is a failure in life that cannot cope with his own problems. He is foolishly proud, and considers himself a prodigy in everything because he leaves CNN on the living room TV while sleeping on the couch. I've tried talking to him on an intellectual level and found everything he said flawed but he asserts his own opinion strongly so it's not worth talking to a stubborn and stupid person. My sister is a total bitch, she has middle-child syndrome where she feels that she is cared less than the 1st and 2nd child, while in reality she is daddy's girl because both of them are alike in attitude and personality. My mom and my little brother aren't worth mention, they are with my grandparents in another country, but I never had much resentment to either of them. Anyway, lately my dad has been beating, yelling, and threatening me to a great extent. Every damn day I haveta hear him yell at me, he threatens to kick me out, he hits me and throws objects at me, he kicked a whole through my door. He is very aggressive because he knows I hate him, while he is running through his tantrum, I sit quietly irresponsive and unemotional. After awhile of keeping my calm, I finally break down crying because I want to hit him so bad, his cussing and irrelevant arguments do not phase me but I so wanna kick that bastard's ass. I know I can, I am taller than him, bigger, and have adequate muscular definition. But since he is my father, there is a sense of respect that keeps me restrained. He beats me for stupid reasons, if there was a disciplinary issue then I would have understood and taken my punishment, but there isn't. I am quiet all day, I go to school then come home, on the weekends I go out with my friends but don't stay out past midnight and I make sure that I am completely sobered before I step into the house. I am just trying to plan my escape from this hell-hole but it's become impossible, there is 1 month left till I graduate and because of all this abuse my grades have slipped and I am afraid to actually tell my teachers the reason why I'm at home on random days and why my work isn't completed.

I tried very hard to be a compliant son, and had succeeded so I do not understand why he hits me. I've hated him for years and years, but this has gotten ridiculous because there was some mutual relationship between us. I considered it "just domestic business." How do I find the solution to my problem, I tried committing suicide twice when I was younger (this was all secret) but the pain of overdosing on painkillers is unbearable after a few hours, it is a cruel way to die so I'm stuck throwing up and purging the drugs for 2 days straight. I need some advice or some feedback on my problem, I have been severely affected by this ongoing child abuse, I can't think straight, I have mixed emotions where I am incapable of giving real emotions I just smile creepily no matter how depressed I am. I don't know what I want to accomplish from this thread, I guess I just wanted to say something.

 

[Maleficent]

He still wants to hit you because in reality he knows you surpassed him and possibly looks down upon him for being a failure. A lot of people suffer from middle child syndrome it's just all in the mind just let them be miserable alone for convincing themselves they aren't cared for.

Not being able to show emotion I am the same way so I can't help you with this I just think of it as a different way of lifestyle. Don't commit suicide because you will never know what you can actually achieve in life when you put it to end early.

 

[blazelion]

First I'd like to say I am not a therapist or a psychologist but since you are actively realizing that your father is severely affecting you I would recommend seeing one as soon as possible.

From personal experience, I dated a girl in highschool whose mother constantly called her a mistake, a failure, stupid, fat and completely killed her self-esteem. The route she chose to deal with it is a common one, although maybe not the best.

From what I get from your account of the incidents so far, your father is using you as an emotional outlet. Because of his own failures and mistakes, he feels the need to release that anger somewhere, preferably the closest object. Unfortunately that is you. You have a couple options in this case. Your first is to contact the police. Tell them that your father has hit you and thrown things at you before and it is past verbal abuse. They will keep a record of your call and will be there for when you need them. Let's say in the coming weeks your father goes beyond his normal behavior and bruises or beats you. Call the police immediately, who are already informed of your situation and your father will be dealt with. It is assault on you, but the problem many children face is the respect. Who would send their own father to jail?

Your other option is this. Stand up to him, but do not fight or punch or swear. Expose all of his vulnerabilities and failures and mistakes right to his face. This is what my friend did. She stood tall, told her mother all her problems and why she is a complete failure at life and that she will never be anything. From that point on her mother has completely ignored her and she can rest in peace.

If you exert your authority over the family as you are coming of age rather then sitting back and taking your father's beatings, your father might not use you as his outlet for his anger. Showing that you are the real man of the family, that you are smart, intelligent, and can run a house. This is a very clear message to any father, no matter how dumb.

I'm sure some other people can give you advice on how to cope with the problem if you chose to let it continue, but I hope these two options for trying to end it immediately may help you.

I wish you all the best

 

[iToke_Herb]

Thanks for your prompt responses.

Blazelion, the problem with me standing up to him is that there is inbred respect from the fact that he is my father so standing up to him might just deal a blow with his ego, he's not the kind of guy that needs to be stood up against he's controlling, manipulative, and arrogant. While I have considered just showing him his flaws and why he shouldn't continue to harass me, the scenario I've played back doesn't seem to show a positive outcome. I have stood up to him before and he just beat me more, I have a scar next to my nose that goes to my upper lip (it's faint now since I used creams) that I got one year ago, there are some signs of physical abuse because when he's hitting me he scratches and grabs my face and chokes me.

 

[blazelion]

Yeah that's complete bullshit he is throwing at you. The next time he tries to hurt you, make him well aware that what he is doing is illegal and if he doesn't stop, don't hesitate to do what you have to do.

You can use this number to directly get help on your side the next time a situation arrises

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-4-A-CHILD).


Remember, in almost EVERY state, teachers, doctors, professionals, are REQUIRED BY LAW to report child abuse. I feel it is also my duty to make sure you seek out some sort of help and do not let this continue



Lastly remember, you are now 18, you no longer fall under "Child Abuse" laws, your father would be charged with assault if you do decide to bring him to justice

 

[blazelion]

Sorry I overlooked the fact you are now 18. You no longer fall under Child Abuse laws, you are going to want to look at domestic violence. It is exactly what you are going through

"The crimes committed in domestic violence include assault, battery, homicide, stalking, and rape. Domestic violence is sometimes defined as a pattern of intimidation that a present or former spouse, intimate partner, family member, member of the same household uses to control another. For example, if a domestic partner keeps track of all the activities of the other partner, follows the partner, repeatedly questions him/her about infidelity, and uses implied or direct threats to restrict when the other partner leaves the home, this might be enough to constitute domestic violence in some states. Most often domestic violence takes the form of actual battery of the victim, from mere pushing to slapping and punching, to kicking, cutting, and burning. The victim might be a child, an adult, or an elder."

 

[Damon Salvatore]

I'd recommend talking to a counselor. Also, if he truly hurts you, file a police report against him. You might also want to consider talking to Child Services and complain that your father is abusing you.

He's your father so you can't hurt him. Don't respond to anything he says and he'll soon just get tired of messing with you.

 

[CloakedPanda]

My advice would be when he next tries to hit you don't hit him back but just constrict his arms just to show that you do have the power to physically overcome him if you wanted to. I think this will make him lay off a bit because he will be in fear of you one day beating the shit out of him. If you don't want to take a physical approach then try talking to another family member such as uncle about this, someone who can talk to him.

 

[Eliza]

Is there any means of supporting yourself if say you were to move out. Find 2-3other people and get your own place. Its not easy but I would rather do that than endure any more of my father if he was like that.

Infact mine was like that for a long time which ended me using drugs for the pain he has caused me. My whole depression probably started with him. I am not the one to blame others, so ive never said it. But he probably k nowthis too and has become a little better since my drug use was brought to their attention. He is hard headed just like yours and ever day i hate spending it living in his house but its a little harder with me and having allmy prob lems to mov e out otherwise i would have done it long ago.

 

[Guraton]

Herb, buddy. You should work your way out of the house and really get your own place . It will be better in the long run. Also, you should truly seek psychological evaluation, this could really assist you in your time of need. I used to be depressive suicidal as well and really have come along way in the recent years.

At 17, I was kicked out of my home...and not just threatened. I know what it is like to have a piece of shit for a father. Consider just starting your own life, and remember moral values. Just keep your head up man, you'll be in there. Rough times seem to pass overtime..

I wish you the best of luck

~~~

 

[Guineapigcal]

I understand how you feel. I have friends from different areas of Asia and even though I am white my Mum is always raging at me for one reason or another. My Dad's girlfriend gets mad at me even when we don't know / talk to each other and makes the time I spend with my dad hell. When I can, I will be moving because living with such shit is intolerable. I'd suggest the same. One thing that doesn't calculate is your name - do you smoke maurijuana because this may be the reason that your Dad is mad?
Anyway, some people are just c*nts to live with and you have to do what is best for you. It's your life, if you're going to college/university, try and get accommodation appropriate to your location, if you're still working start renting.

 

[Guraton]

Don't touch the reason a marijuana man smokes, just let him smoke.


No reason to psychoanalyze the reason for smoking marijuana, it's not really a serious thing anyways. However you should seek help about your suicidal thoughts and possible depressive disorders.

 

[Freely Drawn]

why did your mother and brother leave?

 

[sgillispie]

I'm totally knew to the forum, but I think it's really important that someone advise you to talk to someone (like a person on the phone or face to face) Child abuse is such a sticky issue ... actually, abuse of any kind is horrible & unacceptable. We all deserve equal respect. Talk to someone about it. Maybe you can find an organization in your area that deals with this sort of thing??? I am sure they would have to protect your privacy. I used to live in CT and there is a great place there called Covenant To Care. I think the url is www.covenanttocare.org (pretty sure it is a .org and it looks right from what I remember)- that might be a good place to start. At minimum I am sure they could refer you to a good place in your area. You could try googling it, but the bottom line is that it could really help if you had someone to dialogue with.