Red Fuel Tank
Member
This is a satirical article that I just started for class. Don't take it too seriously...
The starving population of Africa can now look to the future with hope, as scientists, think-tanks, and politicians put the finishing touches on operation GAS. This operation is scheduled to be executed later this year.
The plan involves sending military transport copters all over Africa to disseminate snickers candy bars to each hungry looking individual. The snickers candy bars will be handed to Africans by a strong healthy looking, Blond, Caucasian American soldier who will have a miniature US flag dangling from his backpack, who will then say, "Hungry? Grab a Snickers."
At a conference in Washington, we asked one of the individuals working on the plan, how the breakthrough occurred. He glanced at us with a smile and said, "Dude, I was watching TV... the snickers commercial came on and I knew right then that all the marijuana in those African kid's bellies was mine." Another fat ass replied, "I only eat snickers, now."
Although this plan is set for late 2011, critics say it's too late. "I've seen them," says one reporter who had just returned from a visit to Africa. "They've been hungry so long, their bodies have shrunk. Their language capabilities have diminished to simple 'oo's and 'aa's. They've grown a thicker coat of hair, probably to counteract the loss of body heat from hunger. They've even retreated into the jungles in hopes of finding more food. They seem to have developed abilities that allow them to swing from tree to tree."
As of now, the project is still in it's testing stage. Soldiers who have experimented with the distribution of snickers to Africans have shed some light for us on this issue. "Many of the Africans don't respond when we call them." said one soldier. When we asked another soldier how the experiments went, he replied, "I don't think they like Americans. They threw poop at me!" Although these reports seem discouraging, one happy soldier was able to tell us about positive results. "I went into the jungle with a snickers in my hand. After a few boring minutes looking for Africans, I looked at my hand and realized that the snickers had been replaced with a smooth, hard piece of poop! It was exciting!"
The reporter we interviewed earlier was able to give us some photographs of Africans afflicted with severe hunger.
The starving population of Africa can now look to the future with hope, as scientists, think-tanks, and politicians put the finishing touches on operation GAS. This operation is scheduled to be executed later this year.
The plan involves sending military transport copters all over Africa to disseminate snickers candy bars to each hungry looking individual. The snickers candy bars will be handed to Africans by a strong healthy looking, Blond, Caucasian American soldier who will have a miniature US flag dangling from his backpack, who will then say, "Hungry? Grab a Snickers."
At a conference in Washington, we asked one of the individuals working on the plan, how the breakthrough occurred. He glanced at us with a smile and said, "Dude, I was watching TV... the snickers commercial came on and I knew right then that all the marijuana in those African kid's bellies was mine." Another fat ass replied, "I only eat snickers, now."
Although this plan is set for late 2011, critics say it's too late. "I've seen them," says one reporter who had just returned from a visit to Africa. "They've been hungry so long, their bodies have shrunk. Their language capabilities have diminished to simple 'oo's and 'aa's. They've grown a thicker coat of hair, probably to counteract the loss of body heat from hunger. They've even retreated into the jungles in hopes of finding more food. They seem to have developed abilities that allow them to swing from tree to tree."
As of now, the project is still in it's testing stage. Soldiers who have experimented with the distribution of snickers to Africans have shed some light for us on this issue. "Many of the Africans don't respond when we call them." said one soldier. When we asked another soldier how the experiments went, he replied, "I don't think they like Americans. They threw poop at me!" Although these reports seem discouraging, one happy soldier was able to tell us about positive results. "I went into the jungle with a snickers in my hand. After a few boring minutes looking for Africans, I looked at my hand and realized that the snickers had been replaced with a smooth, hard piece of poop! It was exciting!"
The reporter we interviewed earlier was able to give us some photographs of Africans afflicted with severe hunger.
