A short short I made

oldoldoldold

 

omfg make them paragraphs!!!1!

- Was the ending horribly predictable? Not at all, I had no idea
- Was it easy to follow? Very easy, you laid everything out nicely
- Did you find any of it humorous? Did I make the hypocrisy of the woman clear? I found most of it humorous and yes, I did.
- How was my story creatively? I've never read anything like it before

 

^ lol, appart from that i liked it

 

I actually logged out
Kevin says:
:/
Kevin says:
I'm not gonna visit that thread again
Kevin says:
I'll get flamed
Kevin says:
I think I'll get it rEmoved, but I don't know any of the off-topics
Kevin says:
well
Kevin says:
except Tgump
Kevin says:
but he's not on


I made him post this but anways, it's pretty damn good

 

I should start by saying I know very little about writing short stories. Of the few I've read, they all had rather morbid endings. (Ex, The Lottery) So, my expectations may be a bit far off course. That said, I was half-expecting the boy sitting beside her to be the personification of Death, foreshadowed by the mentions of Christianity/God and her fear of hospitals and dying. For a short story, I'm not sure I'm really satisfied with the ending - it's anticlimactic and fairly unambiguous. (Ambiguity, from what I recall, is a major theme in short stories)

You also jump into Martha's description too quickly. You let your desire to prove a point overwhelm the actual narrative, by tossing too much information at the reader at once, before they even really care who she is. The reader is allowed to question the black-and-white description even before you contradict it with her apparent hypocrisy. As a short story, the simple handing-over of information may be unavoidable to some extent - but, it still comes off as a bit unnatural. (Though, I like how you leak further information throughout the story - ie, her affair with the pool boy).

Overall, it's a good story, and if you're only after the grade, I'm sure you'll do fine.

As far as technical problems, the last sentence is a bit awkward; consider rephrasing it. Also, "Mixed with pity for the boy, and anger at this guardians..." has a comma splice and a typo; it should be, "Mixed with pity for the boy and anger at his guardians,...

 

i think investing in indentations and linebreaks would be nice

 

Thanks for that. After I read how you thought it would be darker, I re-read it, and it really does seem that way. I know the story is rather superficial, and that was what I was aiming for. Going to a deeper level would be out of my league as of now. The Lottery's ending is the ultimate surprise, and if that's was your expectations when you began reading, I see how my ending is anticlimactic.

I see your point with Martha's description. I was describing Martha's character too much at the beginning, instead of leaving faint trails of her information throughout the story, like I did with the pool boy part.

As for my grammar, I can't say much about it. I'm in the 11th grade, and I've taken regular English classes throughout my High School years. We were 'learning' about antonyms and synonyms last semester. I should really think about getting into Honors English for my Senior year.

I hope I understood correctly what you were trying to tell me, I'm not the brightest person >_< .

 

Very well-written, I like it.

You need paragraphs. D:

 

Good job... Better then what i could ever do... Remember to paragraph