This is my pistol. There are many like it but this one is mine. My pistol is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my pistol is useless. Without my pistol I am useless. I must fire my pistol true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my pistol and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of my enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.
That's right. A few days after turning 21, I bought myself a handgun. It's been the best decision that I've ever made. EVER. I love this goddamn thing. Here are some specifics:
Make: GLOCK
Model: 30
Caliber: .45 ACP
Sexy: You bet your ass
Let me just start off by saying that I would have sex with this if it were possible. I just can't feel anything when I try. I'm sorry. It's like throwing a toothpick into a garden hose. I consistently find myself opening up the case, grabbing the GLOCK and waving it around and pointing it at things for no real reason at all. I would open mail with this thing, if I could. It's so damn sexy that when firing it without ear protection, you temporarily lose your hearing.
It's hard for me to believe that I have been deprived of a handgun for 21 years. It's just a travesty. There is no real excuse for this. My kid is going to have a handgun for his fourth birthday. Fuck blowing out the candles; he's going to be shooting those sumbitches out. I really can't say much more about this thing.
I now have my own personal deathwand.