The Internship (2013) starring Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson

Hey guys,



1
An old man...
...turned ninety-eight.
Won the lottery and
died the next day.
Why is this shit on
the get-psyched mix?
If I don't throw you
a curveball, you get
bored and the mix loses
its intended effect.
I want to get revved up and
this song isn't doing it.
I defy you to crush this
chorus and not get psyched.
Won't happen.
Don't you think?
It's like rain...
...on your wedding day.
A free ride...
...when you've already paid.
It's good advice...
Help me out here!
...that you just didn't take.
And who would have thought?
It figures.
Mr. Play It Safe...
Classic Alants.
...was afraid to fly.
He was afraid.
- Bring it home.
- Oh, yeah.
Go home, Papi. Yes!
We got our jam on now.
Jump to it!
It was a dry June.
It needn't be said out loud,
but we need this sale.
I'm so confident
we'll close this,
I'm ordering the
Pappy Van Winkle.
It's pricey, but I want to
spiritually invest in our success.
If you didn't order the Pappy,
I'd send you back to the car...
...to listen to the
get-psyched mix again!
Go over the stat sheet.
Bob Williams. Married 16 years.
Wife Karen. One daughter.
That's page one. Let me
hip you to page two.
Daughter's name is Skyler.
Big into
gymnastics. Aces on
the pommel horse.
He don't just tell it, he
shows it with pictures.
Everyone's searching for
something, right, Bob?
Love. Success.
But what's the one thing
no one can get more of?
Time.
And you can't fight it.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
Look at my little girl.
How old is Skyler now?
Just turned nine.
Nine?! Skyler's nine?!
Good Lord. How old does
that make all of us?
Don't answer that, Bob!
I was about to answer.
Soon she'll be borrowing
Karen's makeup and
you'll have two
beauties on your hands!
Lock the door. It's coming.
Double digits.
Skyler still giving them
hell on the pommel horse?
Want to see a photo? If
it's not too much trouble.
Let me show you Sky.
Look at her.
She's really sprouted.
Yeah, Skyler's really
slimming down.
I'll tell you what, she's
eating really healthy.
Mostly fruits and nuts.
Her choice.
No telling what this girl on a
squirrel diet could end up doing.
Win us the gold, make us proud?
Damn right she could. I think
she's already made you proud.
Guilty, my friend.
Oh, guys, it goes so fast.
Like a freight train on the
track, clickety-clack.
Now she's got a boyfriend... a
guy you'll like, hopefully.
Clickety-clack, she's married.
Clickety-clack, she's
putting you in a home!
She would do it, too.
She would.
Only when you forget who she is.
I'm kidding!
It feels good to laugh
about Alzheimer's.
You can't control time.
But you can manage it.
Mmm. Bob...
...the Chronoshock
Aught Thirteen.
Carpe diem. These babies
will fly off your shelf.
I know you have six
stores now, so you'll
probably want a larger
order than last year's.
You're kidding, right?
Your business has been folded.
I'm sorry?
No, there's been some chatter. The
last few years have been rough.
But who hasn't felt the pinch?
They didn't tell you, did they?
I thought you guys wanted to
grab dinner for old times' sake.
Your company is closed. I hate
to be the one telling you that.
I know that I can't buy
the watches because...
...your company doesn't exist
anymore, but I wish I could!
That's how good you guys are!
One round of Pappy Van Winkle.
Enjoy, gentlemen.
Oh.
Wow. That is expensive stuff.
You know, Bob, uh...
...do you mind...
Say no more. I'm doing this.
Let's slice the pie three ways.
That's silly. I'm doing
really, really...
really well right now and
you guys are not... at all.
Let me do this.
Let's just split it. Go Dutch.
Okay.
Let's be three Dutchmen. But
this Dutchman's going to pay
when he can in a couple weeks.
What the fuck, Sammy?
What the fuck me?
What the fuck you!
Who told you you could
barge into my office
without an appointment?
You closed the company?!
Then you send us out on a
sale we really needed and had
Bob Williams drop
that bomb on us?!
Bob Williams' got a
big fucking mouth.
Yeah, he does.
Forget the sale. Nobody
wears a watch anymore...
they check their phones.
Disagree. Cite your source.
Kids, maybe. There's
a broader market.
Lorraine, what time is it?
10:26.
One hip pioneering secretary
does not a cultural trend make.
She's 75. Watches are
obsolete, and so are you two.
Obsolete? What does that mean?
It means everything's
computerized now!
It's cheaper for a machine
to tell companies
what to order than a
manufacturer's rep.
No, people have a deep
mistrust of machines.
Have you seen "Terminator"?
Or "Two"? Or "Three"?
Or "Four"?
Yep. Mmm-hmm. All of them.
People want to deal with
people, not Terminators.
People hate people!
Times have changed.
That's so negative.
Luckily I saw this coming, cashed
out, bought a condo in Miami...
...new tits for the wife. Silicone.
It's legal again.
Saline's out?
Me and the old lady will
be tucked away nice.
Great for you, huh? Perfect.
So that's it, right?
But what about us, Sammy?
You two were great salesmen.
The best!
But at the end of the
day, you're grinders.
Foot soldiers. You'll
never be generals.
I'm going to say
something harsh now.
Now you're going to
say something harsh?
Strap it in, 'cause it
ain't pretty out there.
And you two are dinosaurs.
Face it. Where you're going...
...you've already been.
Thank you for your service.
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
But I have to worry
about the now.
I don't know what I'm
going to say to Megan.
It's like rain...
No. Let it play.
For the love of
God, let it play.
It's a free ride when
you've already paid.
Go.
Megan, let's talk about this.
Is it because I'm too unselfish in bed?
I can change.
It won't be easy,
but I'll do it.
It's always darkest
before the dawn.
No, Billy. It's actually darkest
in the middle of the night.
Enough's going on without
arguing about proverbs.
I knew things weren't great, but to
come home to a foreclosure sign?
Can we hug? Can I touch it? No!
I could have avoided this if the
Bob Williams deal hadn't gone bad.
You blew that?
Not so much that I blew it
as the company shut down
and took our jobs away.
Sweetheart, I promise I
can pay for all of this.
It's not about the money, Billy.
This is about you.
You talk a big game, but
never do anything about it!
You say we'll go to Spain... but
have I ever been to Barcelona?
Barthelona! And not
yet, but we're going.
What?
We are not going to Barthelona.
We discussed going
to Barthelona...
...but we are never going
to go to Barthelona.
Not with that
attitude we're not.
Do you even hear yourself? Yes.
I'm glad you said some of that...
we're in a relationship and
I'm glad we're committed to it.
You know how badly I
want to believe that?
Because I've been with you a long
time and nothing ever gets better.
Honey, you're...
You're such a great guy...
...but you always screw things
up and let people down.
Billy, I love you, but I'm
tired of being let down.
That's terrible, Nicky.
Are you okay?
I should have gone on my own
when I had the chance. Stupid!
You did the right thing. Got
a paycheck, played it smart.
Dad would have been proud.
Proud of what? I didn't play it smart.
I played it safe.
Look where I am now. Proud?
At your nephew's Little League game.
Cheer up!
Come on.
All right, Tate!
Here we go, Tate! Put
some wood on it!
He's a great kid.
I keep telling you you'd
be a terrific father.
Yep, you do keep
telling me that.
Unfortunately, it would require
having a relationship lasting longer
than three months.
I'm not sure it
would require that.
Let me call Kevin.
I'm sure your
boyfriend's great,
but I don't want to
work for someone...
...who spent all
last Thanksgiving
explaining the meaning
of his tattoo.
Be reasonable, Nicky.
Take the job.
What else are you going to do?
That's it. Just take
the walk, Eagle Eye.
Walk's as good as
a hit, come on.
What is this guy saying?
Bullshit.
Nick. Nick! Walk's not
as good as a hit.
It's not as good as a
double or a triple.
It's not as good as a dinger.
Go on, take a big cut, Tate.
Nick!
Get off the field.
What are you doing?
You're calling him Eagle Eye
to get him not to swing?
Come on, he's 12 years old.
He's got the rest of his
life to take a walk.
How about you take a walk, pal?
And get off my field!
Just stop calling him
Eagle Eye, okay?
Oh, I'm gonna call
him Eagle Eye.
Oh, no, you're not. Yes, I am.
You're Eagle Eye.
Want a piece of me?
- Go ahead, Tate. Swing!
- Let him go.
I'm okay. I'm okay.
Play ball. Come on, Tate.
Swing big!
Read "Moneyball," asshole.
Walks are as good as hits.
Just when you think your day
couldn't get any worse,
it got worse.
I feel like my day
bent me over,
put a ball in my mouth
and fucked me bad.
Is it just me, or does life look
a lot like those hillbillies
from "Deliverance" now?
It's got me over
by the tree there,
just told me I had
a pretty mouth.
You over, squealing like
a pig on all fours.
I'm looking, where's Burt
Reynolds with the crossbow?
He's not coming.
We're there. It's
gonna happen.
You're gonna get raped.
You know what it is?
I feel like life's
inside of me.
Just working, just pushing.
Just going all after it.
And all of a sudden,
life pulls out.
But he's gonna scurry
up the pillow.
Boom, just explodes right
in my fucking mouth.
How are you?
Hey. Hey, cute kid.
How old is she?
She's a boy. Okay.
Still very attractive.
Without pink or Blue,
it's hard to tell,
but the features are great,
maybe put him in some modeling.
That's what they're going for,
that right-down -the-middle thing.
How many different ways do
we have to say, "I give up"?
Say "Uncle," Say "Mercy," before
life stops whaling away on us.
I mean, we are getting pounded.
I feel like our whole
generation of sheep
has been sold a bad
bill of goods.
We were told, "Go to
college, get good grades."
Wait, you didn't go to college.
I'm saying in
theory, in concept,
our generation was told
that you go to college,
you get a job, you
get a mortgage,
and here we did everything the way we
were supposed to, and what do we get?
Where's our thanks? Nothing.
I'm gonna call Kevin
about that job.
Kevin? Thanksgiving tattoo?
We're not that
low, are we, Nick?
Show me one little
something here.
What are you going
to do, Billy?
There he is! Nickrophiliac!
Hey.
How you been? Good.
Just working away.
I see that.
Don't slag off on the corners.
They are so important.
People track shit in
here all the time.
And I mean literally dog shit.
Jesus!
I should have worn gloves.
Huh?
I said I should
have worn gloves.
They won't help.
You don't want protector duty?
'Cause I can put you out at the
curb, twirling the big arrow.
Hot sun beating down on you?
I've lost three guys
to skin cancer!
We call that curb
"the widowmaker."
I don't want to go out
to the widowmaker.
How would you fare out there,
with that alabaster skin?
I don't know.
I'll tell you. You'd
be dead in a year.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jeggings.
Jeggings, five o'clock.
Where? Right there.
I'd like to play around in that
rumpus room, you know what I mean?
Have you done the back door yet?
What?
Back door? Back door action?
"Knock-knock. It's me."
"With my penis."
A life changer. It
is a life changer!
You VIP your way into
that back alley,
you'll never think about
the main entrance anymore.
You know what I mean
by the main entrance?
We're talking dick
into the vagina.
This is an awkward
conversation.
Why? Because you're
dating my sister!
Oh! Yeah. Well, don't think we didn't
go through a period of adjustment.
Adjustment?
Can you gentlemen help me?
Yes. Nick is one of our best.
In fact, his entire family knows
their way around a mattress.
Get it!
My question is about memory
foam versus standard...
...specifically as it
relates to lumbar support.
What?
Lumbar support.
Great choice of mattress. Why
don't you lie down there?
Let's work our way through this
conundrum. What I think
you're asking...
Billy, I'm with a customer.
Maybe start off on this.
Yeah, just lie down.
Come here for a second.
What are you doing here?
I've seen the future and
it is beautiful for us!
I don't know what you got, but I got
a job and I don't want to lose it.
Can we discuss this later?
No. The future
doesn't know later.
What? All the
future is is later.
That's literally what the future is.
What are you talking about?
Google.
The place is amazing.
They have nap pods,
massage rooms, a
volleyball court.
It's ranked as the greatest
place to work at in America!
It's a technology company... a
field we know Jack squat about.
Look, Google needs us.
And Google wants us.
They do? You sweet son of a bitch!
You got us jobs at Google?!
Well, it's not actually a job.
What do you mean?
Oh, it's an interview for
an internship that has
a better-than-not chance of
materializing into a job.
Now you are making
me very angry!
You want me to leave my job...
...to go for an interview,
not for a job, but for
an internship that may or
may not lead to a job?
Aren't you tired of asking
for just enough to get by?
Yes. I want to do something...
...that matters. I
want to have a life
I'm excited about
and that's great.
Nick, I want us to
go to California.
And I want us to get
these jobs at Google.
I'm going to speak
to a manager.
Terrific! He's
right over there.
Let's roll over
onto the stomach.
He'll be very helpful.
What we're going to
do is get a little
support for the hips. Imagine
a pillow right there.
Then we separate the feet.
Create a little heat dispersion.
Excuse me!
Is there something I
can help you with?!
What?!
I'm trying to buy a mattress.
Unbelievable!
Our interview's in one hour. This
might be the last chance we got.
How's it going, Gossip Girls?
C.W. just called.
You're canceled.
Excuse me?
You're peddling him a
bunch of crap, just like
the crap merchandise
you two used to shill.
So listen up, Marfan Syndrome.
What? Marfanism.
Big man's disease. The
giant killer. You.
We're the same height.
We are not the same height.
I'm handsome tall.
You're the type of tall where,
you walk through the airport...
people stop eating
and look at you.
You're a freak. Nick, you
have a customer waiting.
Nick, we have our
future waiting.
Nick, you know what that says?
No, I don't read Sanskrit.
"Make reasonable choices."
That's an odd thing to get
tattooed on your neck.
Just get back to work!
God! I'm sorry you had
to see that, ma'am.
Now let's get back to you
and pelvic ventilation.
Kevin!
You've been saying insulting
things to me all day.
What are you doing?
Taking the shirt off.
I don't know what happens
to a dream deferred.
Does it dry up, like
a raisin in the sun?
Or does it explode? I
don't want to find out.
You just made the worst
mistake of your life.
Hey, hey! You take the shirt
off, it doesn't go back on.
There's not a second chance!
I'll see you in hell!
We're meeting the
interviewer in here?
No, not in here.
We're meeting him in here.
It's a Hangout.
People do interviews
on the Internet.
I like it. Now it
says here that the...
...internship is only
for college students.
Way ahead of you. I enrolled us
at the University of Phoenix.
That proud online institution.
Go Fighting Phoenixes!
Wait... you put my
major down as physics?
Why? I don't know shit about physics.
Physics scares me.
These guys paint the
corner of the plate.
They won't go down the middle
and ask about physics.
Too obvious. I took
it off the table.
Good. Hide in plain sight.
But you put down
sales as your major?
Because I'm a talker. I
figure I should dazzle.
I thought about this... hide
your vacancy and let me dazzle.
Are you done? There's
a 15-minute limit.
Sorry... the big boys need the
computer a little longer.
But we can make this a win-win for you...
go get a soda.
Put some sugar in your body.
Enjoy it.
Cute kid.
Here they are. When I hit this,
they'll be able to see us.
Get in close so
they can see us.
The webcam's small. Come here.
Don't crowd me.
Get cheek to cheek. I get you.
They can't see us.
I understand that.
Put your fucking cheek next to mine!
I get it!
We can see you guys!
Okay, great! Hi!
My name is Billy!
We can hear you fine as well.
Oh, great. Good.
Billy McMahon. Nick Campbell.
I'm Benjamin. Allison.
We're thirsty, too.
Slow down, camper. I'm not an ATM.
I have a job interview here.
We'll be back.
Are you in a library?
We are. Some beautiful
little kids here.
A program we're involved in.
We take suburban kids
and teach them what it's
like to be homeless.
What's it called?
It's called, uh...
Attitude Adjustment.
We're helping the kids.
We did our interview here so
we could help out, and also
we don't have webcams
on our computer.
If you don't have
a webcam on your
computer, how do you do coding?
Coding?
Under "computer
skills", you put "C++".
That's actually a C+.
The second plus reflects my attitude
of how I felt about the C+.
It was a typing class. Same
principle, just no engine
in the baby. More like
"quick brown fox".
Put your hands in the basin.
But that helped me when I
started my journey into
computers, because I knew
where to put my hands.
Okay, let's focus on this...
you're currently
enrolled at the University
of Phoenix online?
Yes, we are.
Damn right we are.
It's the oldest
institution of its kind.
Many people refer to it as the
Harvard of Internet colleges.
Oh! I hadn't heard that.
No, that has not
made it out here.
That reputation.
Well, we're Phoenix proud.
That's fine. We're going
to ask you some questions
some of our candidates
find a bit odd.
Let's get weird! No judgment.
Shoot.
You're shrunken down to the size of
nickels and dropped into a blender.
What do you do?
Is anything else
in the blender?
Uh, I don't know.
It makes a difference. Are there ice cubes?
Is this a daiquiri?
Is there rum? Is
it a smoothie?
It's been a long week... maybe these
little guys want to live a little.
Okay, let's say it's empty.
In that case, it's easy.
Why?
If we're nickel-size and the
blender's empty, we go on our backs.
Flat, like this.
Enjoy that breeze.
Stiff as a board,
light as a feather.
Like it's a fan.
Let the wind whip.
Like getting an MRI.
Once the blender's
on, it's on forever.
Forever.
Respectfully, I have to disagree.
We sold blenders...
...and even the best model
only runs non-stop for, what?
Even the Germans...
Yeah, even a Braun will only run
non-stop for 10 or 11 hours.
So we'll get out and when
we do, we're better off,
because what doesn't kill
you makes you stronger.
I'd like to big-picture
this for a second.
Just like the founders of Google.
Big-picture Googling.
It's not so much getting
out of the blender...
...as what happens next.
That's the question.
Two nickel-sized men free in the world.
Think of the possibilities.
Off the top of my head...
My head's swimming.
Sunglass repair?
Those little screws.
Put us in those
submarines they put
in people's bodies
to fight diseases.
That's cutting edge.
Okay, that's not real,
the submarines.
Wait... we were stuck in a blender,
now we're saving lives. What?!
What?
What? What?
I'll recap. We started in a
blender, now we're saving lives!
What?!
What?
Wait a minute! We were stuck in a
blender and now we're saving lives?!
You guys led us to this.
Thank you.
I think we've gotten
a little far afield.
A little off-topic.
I'll get inside you and
I'll fight for you.
Thank you.
Which one of you is physics?
Mr. Campbell? Maybe you could expound
on this from a physics aspect.
Physics.
Listen, I could bend your
ear about physics...
...and physical phenomena, but the
truth is, we were in a blender.
We'd lost our jobs,
and we'd given up.
So we already answered the question
when we took this interview.
We got ourselves out,
and here we are.
If you really want
to know what happens
when you take two guys
out of a blender...
I'm sorry, Allison, is it?
Then give us a shot. I think
you'll be happy you did.
Who is our next applicant?
Ah, our two daiquiri men.
So what do we think? Dana?
- You're kidding, right?
- No.
Eleanor?
Hmm. They seem like really nice
guys, but I don't think so.
Okay! Moving on.
Can I say something?
You can. We will
resent you for wasting
our time, but don't
let that stop you.
It's just... diversity
is in our DNA, right?
I thought the goal
was to find people
with a different
way of thinking.
That doesn't mean we
have to hire them.
Very good point, Dana.
Moving on!
You read their resumes, right?
They have more years...
...of sales and life
experience than
the age of most of our interns.
Plus, our final judgment is
always based on the Layover Test.
Who would you rather sit with at
an airport bar for a 6-hour delay?
The ten millionth kid
who knows if you
shrink your strength-to-weight
ratio you can jump higher? Duh.
Or the out-of-the-box
thinkers who turned
being stuck in a blender
into an advantage.
Tell me how you feel
What's your fantasy?
I see you on the beach
down in Mexico.
You can put your feet
up Be my seorita.
We ain't gotta rush
Just take it slow.
You'll be in the high life
Soaking up the sunlight.
Anything you want is yours.
I heard you're living
life like you should.
You say you never
had it so good.
So it begins. Here we go.
This place is incredible.
Where do we check in?
Let's ask somebody.
Oh, excuse me! I'm
sorry, excuse me...
Billy?
It's scary because it's new.
Let's check in. Head towards
those big, big letters.
What's up, family?
Tell me how you feel
What's your fantasy?
I see you on the beach
down in Mexico.
You can put your feet
up Be my seorita.
We ain't gotta rush
Just take it slow.
You'll be in the high life
Soaking up the sunlight.
Anything you want is yours.
Name?
You say you never
had it so good.
You never had it so good.
You never had it so good.
Picture the greatest amusement
park you ever went to as a kid.
Now imagine a place nothing like
it and a million times better.
That's where we are.
I'll grab us a coffee.
You check us in.
Good morning.
What's the damage here?
Nothing.
For these? Free.
They're complimentary?
Complimentary. Free.
Whatever you want.
You're saying whatever
I walk away with...
It's free.
Have bananas.
I probably should. This is the
most important meal of the day.
Take two, they're free.
For my day, I need it.
What about the
bagels and all that?
Free. Anything you want.
If you're insisting,
I'll have a couple.
Like four. Just
whatever it is.
What about five? Free, too.
Make it seven, then.
And if you want to whip
up some other drinks.
Do you have a to go
cup, like a Guzzler?
Excuse me.
Do you know what
launch this was from?
Sorry, I have a meeting.
Oh, no, no, no. I don't
want to hold you. I just...
I was just curious. Was this
thing actually in space?
If there were only a
webpage you could go to.
Where we could just type things
in and search for answers.
Ah, yes, that would be nice.
Nick Campbell. Intern.
Dana Simms. Late.
Me, too. Have to rush off.
And it's SpaceShipOne. First
private manned spaceflight.
Winner of the X Prize.
Are those your Dads?
Same-sex partners make excellent parents.
I so wish my parents were gay.
When did twenty start
to look like twelve?
Oh, man.
Of course I'll work my hardest.
Mom, how can I work harder than my hardest?
That's impossible.
Okay, okay, I will.
Yes, I love you.
Mom?
Billy McMahon. Billy McMahon.
How are you?
Oh, I'm going to
grab some food.
I'm good.
You all right alone?
This stuff looks good, huh?
Little pick-me-up.
Graham Hawtrey.
I'm so thrilled to be here.
Oh, me, too.
Feels kind of like
the first day of
spring training for
Little League.
I think I have a few more clicks
on the odometer than you kids.
That's why I came over.
I said to myself,
"That man has life experience.
He can teach you a lot."
You have to meet my friend, Nick.
Nicky!
Nickelodeon! Come here!
Meet Graham. He's in the
internship program with us.
You're interns?
Shut up! Deal with it.
Shut the fuck up!
Deal with it.
But you're so old.
Oh. Excuse me?
I feel terrible! I
feel so stupid.
I feel terrible. For what?
I just, you know... I thought
you were important. Oh, shit.
I have to find some people who
actually matter. Good luck!
Why did you bring me
over to meet that guy,
like he was your best friend?
You introduced me to Hitler.
He seemed sweet at first.
My name is Roger Chetty. I am head
of the Google Intern Program.
Welcome to Google.
This will not be your
average internship. Oh, no.
You will do what we do.
And we will watch
how well you do it.
You represent the
finest schools.
Your intelligence and
achievement is well noted...
...but to excel at
this internship,
you're going to need far
more than brain power.
What you're going to need...
Nothing funny. Googliness.
The intangible stuff that
made a search engine...
...into an engine for change.
Now, you will be
divided into teams...
...and by the end of the
summer only one team...
...will be guaranteed a full-time position.
The other...
...95% of you... will not.
You've been split up
into several seminars
to acquaint you with our
campus and culture.
Descriptions have
been emailed to you.
I would wish you luck, but
it's not luck that you need.
Get to work!
This ain't gonna be about getting
coffee and running errands.
It's a mental Hunger
Games against
a bunch of genius kids
for a handful of jobs.
So we nail it. This is
our opening statement.
If it please the court.
Oh, it pleases the
court, counselor.
Workplace Seminar.
A few seats left.
First impression time.
Bingo!
We can do good here.
Shazam! So close
yet so far, boys.
Whoa! Graham, we
were here first.
You're right. You guys could
use the advantage. Go ahead.
What does that mean?
It means that in a
world of excellence,
old and unexceptional
qualifies as diversity.
So go ahead. What's
that saying?
"Age before beauty"?
Thank you.
You're welcome, William!
There's always
some joker who likes
to play fuckaround.
I guess that's you, Graham.
At least we know. Game on.
Good luck, boys.
Google is not a
conventional workplace.
Having said that,
we have rules.
I will ask you a
series of questions.
You will raise the green
paddle to indicate yes...
...and the red paddle
to indicate no.
So, let's begin.
"Having a beer
with your boss."
Some of you are under 21.
Some of us aren't, so
if you want to grab
a cold one with me,
I'd be happy to.
I will not "grab a
cold one" with you.
You get high?
I don't get high.
I'm not judging. Just saying.
People do it.
If you want something cold
to drink, we'll hook you up.
Okay. Thank you. Just
stop talking to me.
I'm your Bill Holden
in "Stalag 17".
I really don't get
that reference.
Google it. Got it.
"Dating a fellow intern."
This is Google, not Match.com.
What about a
full-time employee?
Say, management level but
not a direct supervisor.
Great eyes, and a...
...severity to her look
that is surprisingly sexy.
What's the policy on that?
That's frowned upon also?
So we say no to love?
Say no to love.
That's a no.
"Taking food home
from the office."
Boom. That's a yes.
Are you having difficulty
with this, Mr. McMahon?
Just to drill down on
this, what if it's a
perishable? Like pudding
that was left out?
You'd like to take
home pudding?
I wouldn't mind it.
Oh, yeah.
If it's going to go bad, is
it okay to take it home?
Mmm-hmm. Anything else
you'd like to take home?
Well, salsa or chips.
Something not wrapped.
Salsa, chips and pudding.
Sushi.
Salsa, chips,
pudding and Sushi.
Anything else? Ice cream.
Salsa, chips, pudding,
Sushi and ice cream.
Pizza?
Salsa, chips, pudding,
Sushi, ice cream and pizza.
Not a frozen pizza. But if
there was a nice pie out...?
I am truly impressed,
Mr. McMahon.
Thank you.
At the both of you.
At how quickly you have
confirmed my doubts about you.
Now, let's try this
one more time.
"Taking food home...
from the office."
Very good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
that is all!
I'm not going to dress it up...
today didn't go well.
It certainly wasn't the
first impression we wanted.
But here's the deal.
Tomorrow is the pick
teams day, right?
It's important for us to
fall in with a strong team.
If we can surround
ourselves with the right
group of geniuses, we
still got a shot here.
Nicky...
...we can coattail this bitch.
You're right! And there's
no shame in that.
No shame in being the 12th man
at the end of the bench...
...who never gets in the game
but has a lot of enthusiasm.
He waves the towel, doles out
high fives during timeouts.
Because I'll tell you
about that guy...
when the team wins the championship,
he still gets a ring.
Damn right he does.
So we have to be that awkward
seven-footer from Lithuania.
I love your spirit. And I
love you like a brother...
...but I can't have those cold clams
brushing up against me in bed.
Keeping me up. Suit yourself.
I'll take the bed tomorrow.
Can you hit that
light, Pocahontas?
Tomorrow's a new day.
Welcome to day two! I am Sid.
Eight-year Googler. You
guys are new Googlers.
Thus, you are Nooglers!
Now, this place is all
about community...
...and collaboration, so you'll
be working in teams from now on.
You have five minutes.
Pick your teams.
You, on me.
Oh! Be picky, okay.
Play hard to get.
Don't be desperate, just be cool.
This is everything!
Are you looking for someone?
College, major, SAT score.
Harvard, computer
science, 2390.
Fine. On me, fatface.
My name's Zach.
You. University of...
No.
Hello, Stanford!
You're coming with me.
University of Phoenix online...
sort of the Harvard of the west.
Why don't we all be a team?
Why don't we all be a team?
Why don't we all be a team?
Please don't touch me.
You're touching me!
Blondie, you're with me on account
of your physical appearance.
Does anyone want to
be on a team with me?
Super fun! Really smart,
but also very fun.
I was voted Most Likely to
Succeed in my chess club.
Um... Mr. Chetty? I
don't have a group.
You'll mentor the leftovers.
Which it would seem includes
your two charity cases.
Off you go.
Yo, Billy and Nick!
There they are!
I'm Lyle, one of the team managers.
Pound me.
Just putting the fist out without
words is all that's necessary.
Come on, bro, fist me.
That's definitely not right.
You're a manager?
How old are you?
I'm 23. But no worries,
fellas, I'm an old soul.
Well, the thing about that
is, we don't have a team.
We have two... me and Nick. We
don't have the rest of our team.
We didn't...
Correction. You didn't have a
team, but you got one now, son!
'Cause I got a few outliers. Buh-bam!
Kerplash! Zzz-yah!
We about to get it all good
up in this hood, right?
"Outliers". I just dropped
a little G-well on you.
'Cause Malcolm is my dawg.
What you say? Malcolm is my...
"Outliers", "10,000 hours".
But let's get a team
meeting going, everyone!
Team meet time!
Nick?
What other options do we have?
Okay! Let's get some meet and
greet going up in this heezy!
I'm Lyle and it's pretty much Wysiwyg...
what you see is what you get.
Been at the Goog
for four years.
Working on seven projies
en este momento.
Wow! Seven projects!
They ask and I do's it. What can I say?
I'm a people pleaser.
'Specially the ladies, my Mercedes!
It's all good in Lyle's hood.
Is Lyle always going to be referring
to himself in the third person?
If he is, I might want to
punch Lyle in the face.
Okay, good note.
- Lyle's still a little nervous.
- Lyle's a first-time manager.
I'll stop that.
Keep it to first and second person.
Who's next?
My name is Yo-Yo Santos.
Yo-Yo, high five. - Whoa!
Yo-Yo, easy. I come in peace!
Did you get beat up
a lot in school?
I was homeschooled by my Mom.
Did you get beat up a
lot in homeschool?
Discipline is an important
part of growth.
But my mother was a
very nurturing person.
She provided me selflessly
with the milk of her bosom...
...until I was seven.
So you're tying your
shoe, climbing trees...
blowing up fireworks, and
then you got mouth on Mom.
Breastfeeding leads
to higher I.Q.
Actually, the science
isn't definitive on that.
I was bottle-fed. It
never slowed me down.
Vitamins are vitamins, whether
they come from a teat or a baba.
Wrong.
Sorry, what?
The teat or baba
thing, it's wrong.
I just Googled it.
You're wrong.
Oh, yeah, I'm Stuart.
You know, you can't trust
everything you read on...
The Journal of the
American Medical.
Association? Pretty
trustworthy.
It says breast milk
has more nutrients,
which are more easily
digested and absorbed.
Your confusion's understandable...
you were bottlefed.
He's right.
Whoa! Guys, where's all
this hostility coming from?
Where do you think,
you big tree?
Two-fifths of our team are two
old guys who don't know shit.
Okay, I for one am very
happy to have two...
...strapping, mature
gentlemen on the team.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm Neha Patel.
And, oh, my God,
you guys would make the
best Luke and Han.
Oh, "Star Wars" cosplay.
"Cosplay"?
Costume play!
People dress up as
their favorite movie character.
I'd be slave girl Leia. Yeah.
Metal bikini top.
Metal G-string panty.
High-heeled leather boots.
I'm chained at the neck. Not too
constricted, but just enough...
...to make things interesting.
Neck constriction's
interesting.
A few of us get together and
whatever happens happens.
Oh, but workwise, your skills
aren't really relevant here...
...or in this millennium,
so stay out of
our way... we'll do
this shit on our own.
Well, I'm loving this friction.
It's how you get
a fire started.
I'm Nick, this is my pal, Billy,
and despite what you think...
...we're just like you,
running down a dream.
All right!
Team Lyle!
Okay, we'll workshop that.
It's in beta.
Okay-doke! Our Translate
lecture is in 15 minutes.
Translate is about giving
everyone access to every word...
...ever written, no matter what
language it was written in.
Because when the
entire world can see,
read and find the rest of
the world's cool stuff...
...good things happen.
Lyle, you laying-in-the-weeds
son of a bitch.
You're hot for teacher, my man.
I took her dance
class once here,
but she doesn't
even know I exist.
Doesn't know you exist?
You're communicating
with her right here.
Oh, no, this is just
the company intranet.
It has info on every
Google employee.
Birthdays, trivia, meeting
calendars, everything.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
Ah! Hey. Fancy
seeing you here!
Is it? Or you calendar-stalked
me and knew where I'd be.
Now, am I detecting
a bit of an accent?
You are!
Uh-huh. I have a
very good ear.
English, right? Hello, guvnor!
Oliver Twist. "More
bread, please."
Australian, actually.
Really? Similar flags, though.
Kiwi. "Lord of the
Rings" country.
The stain on this one's better,
but the white one's a goner.
I eat very fast.
Bangers and mash.
That's also British.
Vegemite sandwich then,
which you gobble
down so you can get
back to the grind.
It is impressive,
staying at work till
midnight every day.
Also on the calendar.
Look, Nick.
I'm sure you're very
popular with the
19-year-olds at the
University of Phoenix...
...with the Southern drawl
and the blond hair and...
...this whole thing you got going
on, but I have to tell you
this is never going to happen.
"This". What?
Oh, no, no, no! This is me
reaching out as an intern.
They encouraged us to approach experienced
Googlers and pick their brains.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! Of course!
You thought I was... "Oh, who's
this wanker steaming in?"
You just want to learn!
Well, look.
Sid here is incredible. He's
about to give a talk on HTML5.
Nick is desperate to learn.
He'd love to come along.
Sure. Come on down, brother!
Sometimes we go all
day, all night.
Oh, I can't start any sooner
than right now. Let's do it.
Come on, everybody!
Where are you going?
Oh, I have a meeting. But
you know that. Cheerio!
Cheerio.
Let's go. Come on.
Don't be shy.
You have a crush
on her, my friend!
Good morning, interns.
Today marks
the first of several
challenges...
...through which your
team shows its merits.
While dogfooding a new
product, Googlers...
...reported a bug that
disabled their audio.
Two million lines of code
are in the source files.
Your job? Find the bug.
Let's check the user reports.
Check for red flags.
See what exceptions
were thrown.
I start by drawing up strategies
to sift through the code.
Code, right? Code, right?
So we're looking to kind
of break the password.
Is the answer in the question?
"Bug".
Eureka!
Bug like fly. "The Fly".
Is Chetty a cinephile?
Goldblum!
Mind-boggling no one's
notebook is out.
This gibberish you're
writing may or may not be
helpful. I guarantee what
we're saying is helpful!
We're looking for a bug, not a password.
They're different things.
Keep going with that
human connection.
Go on, stay positive.
Go, go, go.
We'll go on "fly". 'Cause
we're "fly"-ing it.
Fly. Fly. I like that.
Y-L-F. It's a word
scramble, it's "life"!
I can't get "fly"
out of my mind,
and now I'm going
Jennifer Lopez.
Is it a Fly Girl? Superfly!
Pop fly. Uh, excavation.
Earthquakes! California!
That's it! Write it down!
Do it, do it!
Will you please stop?!
No, we're working!
Yeah, and that's a
Sharpie, genius.
That's my fault.
I'll go ahead and wash that.
Guys, I'm sorry, but
you're not helping.
You're saying a lot of words
really fast that mean nothing.
To find the bug, we need to
review the code and find...
...the programmer's mistake.
It's the only way.
But what if it's
not the only way?
You said someone programmed it.
Someone in this building
wrote that code.
A human being!
Let's give him a name... Tony.
Let's say Tony likes kayaking.
Me and Nick become
friends with Tony.
We throw some beers
back, do some kayaking.
Tony's bombed on
the open water.
Next thing you know, we're
gabbing about audio bugs!
I think it's a great idea.
Great! Finally!
Dark and Stormy feeling us!
Feeling you big time, buddy.
In fact, why don't the two of
you go and find the programmer?
Great. Great idea.
Yo-Yo, who's our man?
His name is Charles Xavier.
Perfect. Nick, write it down.
Steel trap.
Uh... He's a Professor.
At Stanford.
Just a few minutes
away, really.
Guys.
He's in a wheelchair.
Stanford. Wheelchair.
What else?
Oh, he's bald!
May be with his best friend,
who wears a metal helmet.
He's a genetics Professor.
More, more! Hit us!
He has a British accent. British!
With my ear, we're done.
Keep searching. Think
fly, think bug.
I promise you this somehow
intersects with Goldblum.
Goldblum. Of course.
Back to work, guys.
Hey, Professor, what up?
Professor Charles Xavier?
Very funny.
British! Professor Xavier,
sorry to bother you. If you...
Gentlemen, I don't
have time for this.
Professor Xavier, we know it's you.
We really need your help.
All right, you found me out.
I am Charles Xavier.
And that's Cyclops, and Rogue.
We're all here.
Come closer. I want to share some
of my telekinetic wisdom with you.
Good, 'cause I want to
know about these bugs.
Assholes!
You maniacal monster!
Professor Xavier
is a total dick!
Yo to the Yo, have we ensured
it wasn't a networking issue?
Confirmed there was
no packet loss.
Almost done checking
the encryption.
"Almost"? Either you're done or not.
You can't be almost pregnant.
And she would know, guys.
Go Google "asshole", asshole.
She's right. It's not good enough, Yo-Yo.
Get it together.
What the fuck was that?
I'm punishing myself for
my inferior performance.
Wow. Good. Great.
That one's crazy.
And crazy horny over here.
Let me guess. Big dick,
'cause little dick?
Does your mind just immediately
go to a penis joke?
Was that not witty enough?
I'm just busy working.
That's fine, but I'm
winning the quip-off.
- That's what you're worried about?
- Yes.
You're more concerned with
snarky banter than working?
Hey! Did you guys find
Professor Xavier?
Yeah, we found him.
Yeah, thanks so much for that.
Really great team spirit.
Mind sliding over?
I'm sorry, it doesn't look like
there's enough room for you.
Have a great lunch.
Yeah, enjoy it.
Okay, let's see.
Let's see.
- See anything?
- Oh! There's an opening.
- Is that taken?
- It's taken.
Let's go over there.
Hi, Headphones. Mind
if we sit here?
We can take that as a yes.
We have to at this point.
How you doing, bud?
He doesn't even know we exist. He's
like a superhero on this computer.
Look at him, just crushing
his thing and kicking ass.
Do you remember what it felt like
to be that good at something?
Look at this! William.
Nicholas.
Person I don't know.
Thought I'd find you at
the cool kids' table.
It's like a confederacy
of outcasts out here.
Heard you had a day
trip to Palo Alto.
Home of Silicon Valley and
also the X-Men, apparently.
Where are you going with this?
Oh, I just wanted to let you guys
know we won the bug challenge!
What are you going
to do about it?
Don't worry about what we'll do or not do.
We'll be just fine.
You'll be fine? Keep
telling yourself that.
See you on the intramural field
for the next
challenge I'll win.
Sports! Something we
know about, baby.
Something we know a lot about.
Come on now! Look at me.
For real.
All right, teams, welcome
to the Quidditch pitch.
Let's have a good clean
match, Nooglers.
Fatty, don't touch the ball.
Rules: The Beaters toss
the Bludgers at the.
Chasers then get the Quaff
le through the ring.
No blagging,
blatching, bumphing,
haversacking or
Quaff le-pocking.
No Imperius Curses
or Confundus Charms.
In the unlikely event of a Dementor
attack, use a Patronus Charm.
I recommend the
stag personally.
Lyle, they have no
idea what you're
talking about. Use
your Muggle words.
You're making me feel like
I'm back in math class.
You have a couple savants here
with eye-hand coordination.
Say "game on" and let us play!
Version 2.0: Peg them
with kickballs before
they throw the volleyball
through the hoop.
Brooms in, people.
Hufflepuff on three.
One, two, three...
Hufflepuff!
Yeah, son! Let's get it!
Game time.
Let's get started in here!
No mercy!
No mercy!
Tips down!
Blue team ready?
Red team ready?
Bangarang!
Brooms up!
Ball!
Yeah!
Ten points, Blue!
- Billy, talk to me!
- What do I do?
What are we doing? It's chaos!
How do I do it?
I'm lost!
Hit up, hit up!
Whoa, whoa, what's happening?!
What the hell was that?
Try looking up and
giving a shit!
Come on!
What am I supposed to... Come
get some of this! Who do I hit?
I want somebody to hit!
Broom between the legs!
My bad. Lesson learned.
What the fuck does this
have to do with computers?
Stop. Don't move, fatty!
Blue, ten points!
Ball!
Thank you.
Time out!
Time.
Bring it in, guys!
Good work, everybody.
Except you, Zach.
It's over. Our team's a joke.
Well, I ain't laughing.
Are you, Billy?
Hell, no.
We need to get our minds
right and start believing.
This reminds me of a girl
who had to start believing.
A girl from a steel town
who had the dream...
...to dance.
No one believed in the welder girl,
but she believed in herself.
Are you talking
about "Flashdance"?
You're damn right I am!
The deck was stacked against Alex.
You know how she overcame it?
By believing in
herself and trying.
She literally had
to become a maniac!
Have any of you been called a
maniac because you were different?
My morn calls me a maniac
when I tell her I love her.
Of course she does! You are a little bit...
in a good way!
Well, guess what? They called
Bill Gates a maniac, too.
No question.
I don't think anyone
called him a maniac.
I just did!
You guys are getting
off the point!
She had to strip
down to nothing!
She had to sit in a
chair, pull that chain
to nowhere back and douse
herself with water!
Where did that water come from?
Who knows?!
It came from her
belief it was there!
She believed so hard, she got an
audition at the dance school...
...and she spun. Oh, she spun.
And she spun and she spun...
...and she spun herself
into that dance school!
And into our hearts.
Now, in the second half of whatever
the hell you call this game...
...can't we all be
that welder girl
who wants to be something more?
I know you're not excited
we're on your team.
But we're here.
We're in this thing together.
So I'm asking you, believe in yourselves.
Believe in each other.
Let's put on our leg warmers...
...and dance our asses off.
Come here, you little lovable maniacs.
Get in here.
I have an idea that I think
would make Bear Bryant smile.
I don't know who that is,
but we're listening.
Let's go!
Stuart!
Neha!
Lyle, hit me! I got it!
Baby!
Blind her! I'm going in!
Yes!
Yo-Yo!
Eat it, Malfoy!
See you!
Coming at you, Nick!
Who's on blondie?
Let's go, boys!
Pick and roll!
Stockton and Malone.
She shoots and scores!
Billy, what's up!
Tie game!
Where were you, huh?!
I had to use the restroom.
It's the Golden Snitch!
Who the fuck is this now?
Zach, get over here.
Fatface, it's time
to fake an injury.
I don't know how.
Man down!
Get the tennis ball and we win!
Run, you big tree!
Go!
Come on, ref! Are you
going to call that?
Yeah! Yeah!
That bitch just snaked me!
That must be illegal!
Sorry. If I didn't see
it, I can't call it.
You okay, Golden Boy?
The Snitch is fine.
G.D. it!
Don't start that, Yo-Yo.
You did...
...your best out there.
That's the first time
we all came together as a team.
Billy's right.
Let's keep it rolling.
Just keep it rolling.
Come on, let's get a frosty.
Nick?
Would I be wrong to
call you my brother?
Of course not. I'd do anything for
my little show pony. Anything.
I need you to ice
my balls for me.
Brother!
Oh, boy.
Time to shut the engines
down for a bit.
Take a load off, Nicky. What
would I do without these babies?
This is a "shh" zone.
Oh, hi! Hey.
Sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Thanks for sending me to that seminar.
It was actually interesting.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
What have you been up to?
I'm going to go.
No, no, wait!
You were here first.
I'll leave. Sorry.
One thing... quick question.
If I was to invite
someone out to a really
nice dinner around here,
where would I go?
Urn...
I wouldn't know. I spend
most of my time on campus.
What? That's criminal!
Has it occurred to you I
work hard for a reason, hmm?
This may sound silly to you, but
I believe what we do here...
...makes people's
lives better.
That doesn't sound silly.
I think it's admirable.
I'm just saying that sometimes
with all the work you can...
...forget about the
person who matters most.
Is this a nap pod or a convo pod?
Oh, that's right, it's a nap pod.
Shh! Yikes.
- I know where you're going with this.
- You think...
I'm some 30-year-old exec who
devoted her life to her career.
And one day I'll wake up wanting more.
Stop me if I'm off base here.
What else? That I can't
go on Facebook anymore...
because it's only happy
couples gloating over
perfect babies in socks
that look like sneakers?
Oh, yeah, the little
Chuck Taylors.
Only I'm ten years too late.
While I've been
working, I missed out
on the bad dates...
...and assholes and now
I'm running out of time.
No one told me it was a
game of musical chairs.
By the time I figured it
out, it was too late.
Yeah.
Anyway...
Anyway, is that what you
were going to say to me?
No. I was going to
suggest you work harder.
That you buckle down
and get to work.
You can't change the world while
laying in a nap pod. But honestly...
...if any of what you just said
applies even slightly to yourself...
...you might think about
doing something about it.
That's coming from someone...
...who wakes up in the morning, and first
thing on their calendar is regret.
And that's not a good feeling.
Anyway, I should go.
Thank you!
- But before I do...
- Oh, jeez!
Just bear with me. I want to throw
down a challenge for you...
...to go out to dinner
before I leave town.
I'll tell you if a
window opens up.
Great. And if it does,
don't minimize it.
Don't click the red
X in the corner.
See? I'm getting it.
I get it.
Shh, go back to sleep.
Hey, Chetty!
Pretty good effort on the
Quidditch field, huh?
It was a game throwing balls.
And you lost.
But we really rallied in the second half.
Kind of a spiritual victory.
Perhaps you'll land
a spiritual job.
You know, the
admissions committee
was split on you. You
made it by one vote.
The deciding member thought
you showed promise.
It's clear now
that he was wrong.
Sometimes the long shots
pay off the biggest.
Enjoy your pudding.
I will.
Oh! And Chetty?
Not for nothing... you can't
get me not to like you.
Let's take this new team
spirit and apply it
to this next app challenge.
We got this.
It'd help if we had
an idea for one.
You bet your sweet ass
it would, Stewie.
No. Never Stewie.
Perimeter breach
acknowledged, Stuart.
It'll feel good when
he warms up to me.
It's going to happen.
I'll break you down like a
two-by-four, bronco. Watch me.
Let's brainstorm this puppy.
Put the coffee in the pot
and let it percolate!
Let's explore what apps
have been most popular.
Go backwards to go forwards!
Oh, and we can bin it. Categorize
needle-movers by user.
Do what?
Hit it by function and user.
Two-prong.
Taking out the shield
generator on the forest moon
of Endor and fighting
with Admiral Ackbar.
It's not a trap!
Guys, I don't want to kill
the momentum or the mojo...
...but needles and categories,
they don't use apps.
People use apps.
So I have an idea. People
take pictures, right?
They have their phones
out, they see something,
take it, but then the
photo's just sitting there.
What if they take that
photo and instantaneously
put it out on the line and
share it with friends?
That's Instagram.
It already exists.
It's one of the most
popular apps in the world.
Facebook bought it for
a billion dollars.
Oh, no, no, mine's
very different.
How is yours "very different"?
In mine, you put the
photo out on the line.
"Online".
A photo exchange on the line.
That's Instagram.
Mine has social sharing on the line.
Online.
When you keep saying "on the
line", do you mean "online"?
Stuart, don't do that! He's got
a million dollar idea there!
Billion dollar idea.
Even better! Let him flow.
You can't bring me down,
I'm too positive.
Let me share something with you.
Nah.
Come. I'll explain in
a way that's visual.
He's bigger than you.
Be careful.
So you're out there,
you take a photo.
Pretend. Go ahead.
So you take that photo,
put it on the line...
Online.
Put it on Twitter, whatever you want.
That's Instagram.
That is Instagram. 100%.
I get it.
We're not dummies!
Point taken. Now let's
go with my concept.
You've taken a photo
instantaneously
or not instantaneously
and then...
...you take those and send
those out on the line.
Online.
You don't have to say shit!
You just say...
..."I like that photo" and share
that photo on the line...
Online.
Now everyone's
exchanging photos!
And that's why the photos being
shared on the line will be known...
...as Exchangeagram!
Holy shitballs, Billy, we
don't have time for this!
Hello, fellow interns!
Graham Hawtrey here.
I've attached a
link to our app...
...which has already been
downloaded 230 times. Booyah!
We're going to lose
another challenge.
We won't get these jobs. Our
lives are basically ruined.
Hold on. Your life
isn't ruined.
You guys are 21. You have your
whole life in front of you.
Do you know what it's
like to be 21 now?
A quarter of the kids coming
out of college can't get jobs.
That's correct. Mother says
you can work hard and...
...go to the right
school but nothing is
guaranteed anymore.
That's life.
These guys are right.
The whole American
Dream thing you guys
grew up on, that's all it is now...
a dream.
You're too young to
be this cynical!
You really see the
world this way?
That's not how we see it. It's
just the way things are now.
That's it. Everybody up.
Breath-of-fresh-air time.
We have work to do.
No, no, no, no, no.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
We're taking it to the street.
We'll get our heads right...
...so we can work as a team.
What about the app? This
is bigger than an app.
And we have something
pretty terrific
in our back pocket
with Exchangeagram.
Just let it marinate.
Yeah, that's a winner.
Time to light it up forever
and never go to sleep.
Can we talk about this
onlineon the line thing?
We're gonna follow the morons.
...and she says "Wait a
minute, that's not a duck!"
My friend here says there's a dance
club down the street that's great.
You're shitting me.
Come on, let's hit it!
Are you sure he
said "dance club"?
I was rocking Mandarin,
he was rocking Cantonese.
Something clearly got confused.
But I say, happy accident.
Show you to your table?
Great big world out
there, my friend,
just three inches
up, I beg you.
Any questions?
Oh! Ooh!
Holy shit, that's deep.
I think that's our cue.
Here we go.
Come on!
This is good. It's totally cool.
It's great. Ahem!
You okay, firecracker?
What? Yeah! Totally!
This is my jam.
This here is my shit.
I know, but if you
don't want to be here,
we'll grab the guys by their little
boners and go back on the bus.
No, no, don't do that.
Don't. It's just...
...I've only read about
this stuff, okay?
Craigslist casual encounters.
"Twilight" fan fiction. Hentai.
What's Hentai?
Japanese comic books where
women get penetrated
by octopus tentacles.
Oh! Ah!
Look, it's just...
...I have imagined everything.
It's just...
...I've never done anything.
Your secret's safe with us.
And for what it's worth, your
imagination is so wild...
...reality will be a
breeze, if not a letdown.
Thanks. Show you to
your table, cutie?
Let's go!
About time this
group had a night.
Let the good times roll!
Here you go.
Bottoms up, Yo-Yo.
Oh, I can't.
Why? You're 21, right?
Yeah, but my morn says
alcohol numbs the brain.
I'm not saying a shot of
Tequila is the first step
on the journey to
self-respect...
...but maybe it's a step in
the right direction. Maybe?
Your call.
One shot.
Bang it, Yo!
To the night you'll
never remember!
Yeah!
He's getting down!
Look what we got cooking here.
Exchangeagram moment, bitches!
Ready for your first lap dance?
Are you kidding?
Yo-Yo stays ready
so he doesn't have
to get ready.
This is Tapioca. She's studying
to be a dental assistant.
Enjoy!
It happens all the time.
Some would say it's the point.
It's all good.
Might want to double up on
the underwear next time.
I got to tell you, the
reboot time is impressive.
Trifecta.
Cheers, bud.
Cheers, cheers.
No way!
Hi.
Is that your dance
teacher from Google?
Go talk to her.
Yeah, fo shizzle, I'll
just go up and I'm like...
..."Want to join the
Lyle High Club?"
Lyle, sometimes the most radical
move is to just be yourself.
And I really like
the real Lyle.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Go on, you're burning daylight!
Let's do this.
Hi.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
You were really good up there.
I mean, that was amazing!
Not in like a sexual way.
Kind of in a sexual way.
You're very talented. Everything you
do is special is what I'm saying.
I'm just so embarrassed.
You're emb... Are you kidding?
Now we're even...
...because dancing in
your class at Google was
one of the most embarrassing
moments of my life.
If it helps, I don't remember
anything specifically awful.
Oh, poop. You don't remember.
That means we're not even.
There's only one very
unfortunate way to fix that.
Oh?
That is burned in my memory.
You can stop.
How about I stop if and only
if I can buy you a drink?
I would love that.
Yeah? Shots? Yeah.
Yes. Shots. Shots.
I love teaching at Google,
but it's only part-time
and doesn't cover my
tuition, so I augment.
No, don't augment. You're
perfect the way you are!
Can I get a dance?
Not now. Look, bitch...
...I don't know
who this geek is,
but I spent a shitload
of dinero here,
and I expect to nut.
Yeah, no, I'm totally
a geek, Biff Tannen.
Who's Biff Tannen?
You're Biff from "Back
to the Future", right?
Want to take this outside?
No, I'd rather stay here and
talk to the pretty girl.
Let's rock, not talk.
Hey, man.
Is there a problem?
It looks like somebody needs
their way older brothers
to fight for him, huh?
Oh, it's the United
Colors of Nerd!
Do you all work together?
I'm going to go out on a limb
and say it's a tech company.
Free cereal and ugly people.
Oh! Whoa! Hey!
Come on, take it easy! Is
this the Jets and the Sharks?
Why don't you guys
head that way
and we'll head that way and
never the twain shall meet.
Have a great night.
That's a good idea.
My mother hits harder than you!
Down goes stranger!
What's up? Oh, shit.
If I see you again,
I'll kill you!
Hide your kids!
Hide your wife!
That's how you party!
We're too hot to party! That's
why they got to kick us out!
'Cause they're gonna call
the fire department!
Bring it outside to party!
Look at that view!
You're not gonna see that
on your 4-inch screen.
You got to look up.
Buddy, you were an animal
out there tonight!
You were. Did you
have a good time?
Yeah, it was all right.
"It was all right."
Why do you do that?
What do you mean? Do what?
Lowball me like that! I'm
not going to take away...
...your cool guy card if
you admit you give a shit
about something or, God
forbid, had a great time.
Um... All right, it was fun.
Stewie...
What? Come on!
You want me to say it was
the best night of my life?
Only if it's true.
Okay, it was the best
night of my life.
My Noogler! Come here!
My Noogler.
I don't believe there
hasn't been one boyfriend.
Nope. That's embarrassing.
It's nothing to be embarrassed of.
You have plenty of time.
I mean, you're the
whole package.
You're beautiful. You're smart.
You have great teeth.
You do. Unbelievable choppers
on the old girl, I mean it!
And terrific shoes. I'm
always excited to see
what kind of get-up you're
going to throw together.
That part's true.
It is true. A lot of
great things going on.
Some guy will find himself
very lucky to be next to you.
I'm not so sure.
Well, I am.
And I've been around
a little bit.
I'm positive.
Hot thing, hot thing Hot
thing, what up with it?
Lyle! Looks like you hit it
off with Saffron tonight.
I'm texting her that I love her
and sending a picture
I just took...
...of little Lyle when he
made pee in the bushes.
Look, he's winking.
Lyle, that's a horrible idea.
Don't do that.
You're drunk off your ass.
I appreciate your concern,
but I'm flying, baby.
Lyle, you're not flying.
Look, what's 17 squared?
289, why?
Give me a harder
question than that.
Try, uh, maybe square
root of seventeen.
4.23 maybe?
That's the app. That's
the app we should do.
A quiz question you
have to answer before
you can send a drunk text or
a drunk email or phone call.
Something to protect
you from yourself.
That's good. Can we do that?
Hells, yeah!
Are you shitting me?
I could program
the shit out of that
on the bus ride home.
I'll take that as an overwhelming yes!
Come on!
Let's get back to HQ!
Wait.
Let's stay five more minutes.
Enjoy the view a little more.
All right.
Wow. Yeah.
The whole world looks like
a giant pinwheel of death.
Price of making
memories, Stewie.
I think my liver hurts.
Astonishingly, your app...
received ten times more downloads
than any other team's.
It appears you won
your first challenge.
How about it?!
Congratulations.
Come on, baby!
The lead!
Oh, easy there, big guy.
He gets overexcited.
Lovely.
Let it out.
Let it out, little feller.
Our Professor X was way
meaner than this guy.
It wasn't funny at the time.
What I'm doing is supercharging
my CSS and HTML skills...
...'cause you can do
both simultaneously.
HTML5, right?
That's one step beyond
the HTML5 they mentioned
the other day with
the CSS3, remember?
No.
When writing code,
you have your choice
of a number of
editors, such as...
Emacs, nano and vi, of course.
What does that mean?
They have syntax highlighting
and autocomplete. Questions?
It occurred to me,
why not use Emacs
rather than vi as the
default editor for Ubuntu?
That's actually a very
good thought, Nick.
Thank you.
Vi versus Emacs is a constant debate.
Moving on.
Sammy!
Did you forget an insult?
Billy, you magnificent son of a bitch!
How's unemployment?
Come work for me.
Sammy, I thought you retired.
I did, Nicky, but I have stumbled
onto King Solomon's Mines.
Two words: Motorized scooters.
Go to Modesto, check
out old age homes.
Ah, Sammy, we have a gig.
We have a new gig.
We're interns at Google.
Interns at Google?
Who are you kidding?
You're salesmen!
This is a sales gig.
It's a job.
We've had jobs. We're
building a future.
And I'm trying to get hard on my
own, but the Cialis is a guarantee.
You finish this "internship",
who knows what will happen?
Exactly. Who knows
what will happen?
That's what I said. Why
are you repeating me?
Shh! Time for baby
to go night-night.
Billy, you're cutting out.
That felt great.
I'll catch up with
you later, okay?
Okay. See you in a bit.
If this is being a workaholic,
maybe I should get a glass.
I have fifteen minutes
until my next meeting.
You know how we were talking
about regret, and...
You were talking about regret.
I don't want to add
not asking you out to
that list, because that
credit card is maxed out.
So can we establish you are, in
fact, asking me out on a date?
Yes. And I figure I'm such
a Mountain of mistakes
that going out with me
just once this evening...
...will be like
packing ten years of
bad experiences into one night.
Okay. Fine.
Yes? I'm saying yes.
Great. I'm in.
I'll leave you to it.
Okay. Tonight.
Hello, William.
I've been watching you.
You should choose your words
more carefully in a bathhouse.
In the words of Nelly:
"It's gettin' hot in herre."
It's getting hot
out there, too.
You definitely got
my attention.
Okay, I want to go
put my robe on now.
Enough to do research on you.
What did we find out?
Let's see.
Your company was shut down, your
home was foreclosed upon...
...your credit score
is actually negative.
That's kind of amazing, Billy.
That's hard to do.
You try hard, McMahon.
I'll give you that.
But things never quite
work out for you, do they?
I could waste my energy
trying to beat you.
But it seems, given enough time,
you always find a way to fail.
I just need to get
out of your way.
So this is me going.
Only two challenges remain.
After which, a mere
handful of you
will be offered
full-time employment.
The next challenge is Manning
the Google helpline.
This is one of the most
difficult jobs we have...
...combining both customer
relations and product fluency.
You will be judged on both.
This...
...is a very tight
race right now.
I suggest you study up.
Okay, let's drill
it and kill it.
Authorization failure
with Google Drive. Neha.
Permission's probably changed.
Request access.
Barn! Chrome connectivity.
Nick.
Unselect proxy
server for your LAN.
Nice! Billy, I'm locked out
of my Google Wallet account.
Is that under Gmail
or Wallet Help?
"I don't know, sir. That's kind
of what I called you for."
Look, I'm terrific on phones. I can
sell prosciutto to a rabbi, and I have.
But you're not
selling anything.
You can't bullshit your
way through this one.
The only way to nail this
challenge is to study.
Then study up is what
I'm going to do.
Let me ask you, is there a
blanket statement I could say...
...that could apply to
literally anything?
And then I either
shove product down
their face or give
them another hotline.
You're tech support, so if you
refer them to another number...
...your phone will ring again, 'cause
it's your number you referred to.
I'm suggesting, give me the blanket
thing, so I'm not wrong or right...
...then I either hit them with a real
helpline or push some product on them.
I can shove product
down their throat.
You're working too hard. All you have
to do is click the button and read.
I got it.
Bam! Done. Read it.
I got it. I'll do it.
That's my man, Bill.
You'll get it.
Is it just me, or is
this food incredible?
You're a liar.
What?
You were supposed
to be an asshole.
Come on!
You were supposed
to pack a decade of
jerks and bad dates
into one night.
Remember?
Now I remember, yes.
But so far you've been...
totally fine.
Totally fine?
Wah-wah.
I have dropped the ball. I
promised that and didn't deliver.
Can we get the check, please?
May we get the check...
Jennifer?
How'd you know my...?
It says right here on
this little necklace.
And now I have the name,
how about the number?
Oh, I'm just kidding. Or
maybe I'm not kidding.
You're so cute. Beautiful.
Did you just hit
on the waitress?
I did, yes! The lady
asked for a jerk
and I am trying to
live up to my promise.
I said ten years of assholes.
You have some ground to cover.
I think you've had
enough dessert.
I've been watching
you eat all night.
I'll take care of this. You
have to watch your figure...
and you're right
on the borderline.
You know what they say,
"A moment on the lips,
forever on the hips."
Mmm! This is divine! Oh, you do
not know what you are missing.
That's nice.
Here's something you aren't missing...
the check. I paid for the cab.
Bullshit! Right?
Wow, a little heart
and everything.
Why don't you take
care of that?
The night is still young. I'm
taking you to see some dogfights.
Rock and roll! I think
we're up to five years.
All right.
I'll get this.
Oh!
That's amazing!
"In Gmail, a 'bad request'
message shows if..."
"...shows if..."
"...your Internet is down."
Son of a bitch!
It shows...
Jesus Christ! You scared
the shit out of me!
...If your browser has a
bad or outdated cookie.
Wait, you could... Hmm?
Yes, I can hear everything. I'm not
actually listening to anything.
It allows me to be with myself.
I'm not very good
with other humans.
I'm not very good
with Gmail support.
No, actually, you're
quite horrible.
You can do this.
This can be learned.
But those kids...
...the way they look at you...
you have a way with people.
That's a lost art.
Go again.
Go again.
"In Chrome..."
For you, this is like teaching a
little kid the alphabet, right?
No, actually, it's like teaching
a kid a letter. Just one letter.
Your strong point would not
be communicating to humans.
I know.
All right, that's my guy.
Give it to me straight.
I like it. No chaser.
We're having fun.
I am. I hope you are.
Well, thank you. That
was really awful.
Ah! You're welcome.
I aim to please.
I told you I'd deliver
on ten years of
assholes. I think I did
a pretty good job.
A little bit too
convincing at times.
Was it? That doesn't
surprise me.
When you've been out
there as long as
I have, you learn
to play the game.
Oh, I'd be out there, laying my rap.
I'd have
girls literally thinking
I was an astronomer.
I'd be pointing out
constellations and harvest moons.
"Oh, there's Pluto!"
Then they'd start to fact
check you with the Internet.
Google singlehandedly cut
into my ability to bullshit.
Cramping your style?
Big time.
Making you a better person?
True. Ninety percent
Google, ten percent you.
Just ten percent? Really?
Let's call it twenty percent.
You know, um...
...I really didn't
expect to like you.
I didn't think you'd
like me, either.
Thank you.
That was my ride home.
I know.
Good morning. Welcome
to the Google Helpline.
You will man the phones for one hour.
Before you begin...
I'm so ready for this thing.
I was up all night studying.
This is where Lyle takes the lead.
...The log file icon,
accessing your account,
so we can review
your work later.
The Helpline...
...is open.
Google Helpline. My name's Billy.
How can I help you?
So you're locked
out of your Gmail.
Well, the good news
is Uncle Bill here...
...has a key under the mat.
I'm going to play a hunch here.
Delete all your cookies.
Did that work? Great.
You probably have too many
Gmails open at the same time.
Go ahead and close
a couple and...
Okay, great. Thank you.
Call with anything else.
Not a problem. You want to
click on the gear icon,
then Settings, then
Advanced Settings.
Yeah, you can have the same tabs
open across all your devices.
So the browser
windows keep opening
and you're telling me
that's from Amazon?
You need anti-virus software.
Let's fix that before the wife gets home...
am I making sense?
Sign into Google Wallet and
update your credit card.
That's the problem.
Switching time zones
causes a Calendar
sync issue. Are
you on vacation?
Miami, nice.
Let's get your cache
cleared up, then I'll
talk you through the best
Cuban spots in town.
Google Helpline,
this is Graham.
Your device isn't compatible
with Google Play.
I want you out there
salsa-ing and grinding up...
...against a complete
stranger, having a good time
doing the wrong things.
Are we on the same page?
See the box at the bottom of your window?
Click it twice.
Come on, baby, let me
hear you do that conga.
You know you can't
control it any longer.
Time's up!
So soon? I was just
getting warmed up!
Good going here!
Wooh! Come on, Ladybug!
Please submit your log files so
I may review your work later.
Happily. Just click
the Blue button.
Where's that?
Blue button, upper left.
Mine's not Blue, it's grey.
I can't click it.
The Blue one.
Mine won't click. It's grey.
Is anyone else's grey?
Did you not hear my
opening remarks?
Most of them.
I was getting in the zone.
I was very clear that
you have to log into
your account so I could
review your work later.
The good news is you
reviewed my work now.
You don't need the
instant replay
because you saw the
touchdown live.
I don't really understand that
analogy, but I do know...
...attention to detail is of
Paramount importance here...
...and my instructions
were explicit.
If there is no recording...
it's as if you didn't
even show up today.
Except I did show up.
I'm right here.
Well, according to
your log, you're not.
And since every intern
must complete...
...the challenge in order for
your team to be scored...
...your team...
...will unfortunately
receive a score... of zero.
Zero?
Well done, Mr. McMahon.
Perhaps more studying,
less pudding.
Chetty, come on. You're
not going to trip
us up with a technicality.
He's right here.
Oh, Billy, Billy.
What have you done?
It's you lot I feel bad for.
It's really hard to get here.
You're probably
pretty intelligent.
You deserve better.
I'm sorry.
It's all right, El
Nio, we'll get them.
I studied for the test.
Great. Another win
for Team Graham.
There's only one
challenge left.
Even if we're perfect,
it won't be enough.
We had them, too.
We did, but it's just a little
hiccup, a little adversity.
Nick, come on.
Billy's a great guy,
but he kind of blew
it for us today.
They're right, Nick.
I just wanted to come
by and let you know...
I did study last night, I tried my best.
It's just...
...that today on the phones...
It's my fault.
And, uh...
...he was right when he
said you deserved better.
I'm really sorry
that I cost you.
Damn.
Billy, stop!
I'm not helping anybody here.
What do you mean? You're
helping those kids!
Where are you going?
You going radio silence on me?
I'm not letting you ride away
from the Garden of Eden!
I let down the team!
You didn't letdown the team! Who
cares if you made a mistake?
I'm not taking
everyone down with me.
Billy, give me a chance to turn
you with a sports metaphor.
Damn it, Nick, it's the
best thing for everybody!
Stop dragging me down
with all your horseshit!
You're doing great here, okay?
I'm not! I got it!
Just get off my back.
How dare you! How dare you!
Shame on you! Put
this badge back on!
If you're going to
quit, quit, but don't
give me this crap that
it's better for them!
Come on, Billy!
Randy?
I'm Billy McMahon. Sammy sent me?
I'm the new salesman.
No shit!
My new partner.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it has been...
...an impressive summer.
One final challenge remains.
Sales.
Over a million
companies advertise
with Google. Find
one that doesn't.
Convince them.
The bigger the sale,
the more chance
you have of taking
this competition.
The winner will be
announced at our
final meeting this afternoon.
Good luck.
Happy hunting!
On me!
Sales... done! Those other
bitches are going down!
Where's Billy?
He left.
You heard him. He thought
he was holding us back
and he didn't want
to talk about it.
We got to get him back.
We're a team... you
guys taught us that.
It was buried under a Mountain
of obscure 80s references...
...and just a ton of...
...other super
inappropriate bullshit
I guess was intended
as life lessons...
...but you did teach us how
to come together, Nick.
The problem is, when he makes
up his mind on something...
...Billy has a tendency
to really dig in.
We may have to do
this without him.
But, Nick...
...we wouldn't want to.
Right, guys?
Hey, Tony!
Slow it down, man.
Just kidding.
How long you worked
this territory?
Three years.
It's great... you build a
relationship with the customer.
Then they die.
You resell scooters with 25, 35 miles
on them, tops. Everybody wins!
Hey! Look who's back!
Hey, Randy!
Hey, old timer.
Hey, Randy.
What do you want?
Treat them like shit...
makes them want you more.
Everybody, listen up!
This is my new tail
gunner, Billy!
Billy, tell them about that
sweet ride you pulled up on.
Oh, you mean the
brand new X-70.
It has an eight-hour
motor, and a
rear-mounted stainless
sleeve for your oxy tank.
You have no idea how much
boning goes on here.
It's amazing. Check this one out...
Ethel, that's her name.
She calls my junk the "cocoon".
Says it makes her feel younger.
Lowered her blood pressure.
I'm not fighting it.
I'm a life-giver and a lovemaker.
Ethel!
Ethel!
What's up, girl?
Look who's back!
Come here, boo.
Who's your friend?
Billy!
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Billy! Hi.
Ethel and Doris tell me they're
up for a little group play.
Can I count you in?
What the shit?
Uh... I'm sorry. Randy, this
is my old partner, Nick.
Nick, this is my new
partner, Randy.
Welcome to the jungle, ese.
Billy, can I count you in?
Give me a second here.
No problem.
What are you doing?
New partner, huh?
I'm a salesman. I sell things.
I remember another guy who
was selling mattresses...
...when in walks this behemoth! Big guy.
Big mouth. Big dreams.
He made this old son
of a gun remember
dreams are still floating
around out there.
You just got to reach
out and grab them.
I reached for my dreams. I
messed it up for everybody.
You forgot to click a button!
You're not a computer wizard!
You're also not a pussy.
You're tough. You grew up in the 70s.
There weren't any computers!
Or bike helmets or sunscreens or seatbelts.
Did you wear a seatbelt?
No.
What was your seatbelt?
My Mom went like this.
Yeah. And how did
that work out?
You know. I went through
the windshield.
Eighty-nine stitches.
You looked like a little
badass in third grade.
And were you afraid to get
back in that station wagon?
Nah. Five years later...
...you took out that same car,
without permission from nobody.
Not your parents,
not Old Man Law.
Just you and Sally Moran,
parked at the point,
finger-blasting away!
Didn't even know if you
were doing it right!
Where are you going with this?
I'm saying life is that
station wagon, okay?
Yeah, sometimes it's going to
throw you through the windshield
and crack your skull open.
Maybe even break your heart.
But every once in a while, it
drops a Sally Moran in your seat.
We came to Google for a reason.
I can't promise we'll win, but
we're going back there...
...to see those kids and we're
going to see it through.
Now you get your ass back
in that car and ride.
You hear me, Billy
Bojangles McMahon? Ride!
"Contextual targeting
technology can..."
...automatically
match your ads...
...to webpages...
"...that are most relevant
to your business."
Yo-Yo?
"Review ad performance
to see impressions...
...click, cost and
conversion data."
You seem like good kids and I
appreciate you stopping by...
...but we're just a family-run business.
We don't do the Internet.
Thanks for coming. Frankie will
get you a slice on the way out.
Oi, oi!
Oh, great.
Lovely. This guy.
Saw you checked in here on
foursquare, so we stopped by.
That's really creepy.
Is that all?
It is all, actually.
We just closed
a sale at a coffee
shop down the street.
Your chances of catching up to
us went from zero to piss all.
Now if you'll excuse us, we have
to get to the final meeting.
Get those jobs of which we're
so profoundly deserving.
Zach?
Eyes off the pizza.
God made you lactose
intolerant for a reason.
You're so fat.
You're so fat.
Let's go!
On me!
What a douche!
Guys.
Welcome back, Billy boy.
Good to be with you.
What happened there?
Uh, well, he didn't bite,
so it didn't go well.
You know who else it
didn't go well for?
Lay it on us.
That's right, the steel
town girl, Alex.
When she finally got her shot,
she took a tumble and fell.
But she picked
herself back up...
...tightened that little
ass, pumped her legs...
...and danced herself right back
into a slot at that dance school.
And that's what
we're going to do.
Tighten your asses, let's go.
Let's get her done, boys.
Guys, we've always done
things the same way...
Yellow Pages, flyers,
San Jose Mercury News.
We're all creatures
of habit, Sal.
We like what we
know, no question.
But you know what the
scariest thing in life is?
The thing in life that
frightens us the most?
Change.
I think most people are
set in their ways.
I know I need change
to come along
and kick me in the ass
to get me moving.
Guys, I know where
you're going.
But I'm not changing anything.
Like I told your friends,
we're getting by okay.
Sal, if you fight for your
limitations, you get to keep them.
You're getting by okay.
Okay isn't good.
Okay isn't great, or fantastic.
I'm starting to
think he's selfish!
I don't want to get
sideways with you...
...you're as big as a barn!
But you're an artist!
This is great pizza!
Picasso with pepperoni!
And don't even get me
started on the sauce.
Is there nutmeg in there?
I respect the fact...
...you don't want to divulge, but
if I'm right, don't say anything.
Exactly!
There's your answer!
Come on!
All I'm saying is, why
should Papa John's...
make all the dough when Papa
Sal has the better sauce?
You sound like him. He wants
to open a Sal's in Los Gatos.
The big chains are killing us.
We barely stay afloat.
When you franchise,
you lose quality.
You lose the taste
that people trust.
You want to know why
my sauce is better?
I go to the farmers' market every day.
I buy tomatoes...
...get the basil, the oregano.
I know these people. I'm part of
the fabric of this neighborhood.
That's good enough for me.
Sal, that's better than good enough.
That's the best.
We don't want you to
abandon the neighborhood.
All we're saying is, what if your
neighborhood got a little bit bigger?
Take a look at this, Sal. These are
all people who love your pizza.
Talk about word of mouth, huh?
Don't you want to
talk back to them?
There are almost as many
people from Los Gatos
searching for Sal's as
there are in Palo Alto.
If there was a location closer
to them, they'd be regulars.
Boom! Just found a
great commercial spot
on Los Gatos Boulevard,
just hit the market.
It's .3 miles away from the
nearest farmers' market.
You can smell the
tomatoes from your door.
Farm to table!
F to T!
F to T is exactly
right, Gomer Lyle!
We're not asking you to
abandon the artistry, just...
...expand the reach a little.
At the end of the
day, the kids have
their information.
It's all accurate. I get it,
and I know you do, too.
Sal, I can't blame you for
being a little afraid.
Hell, we were scared for a long
time out there, grinding it out.
And Lord knows I've fallen on
my ass more than a time or two.
But I promise you something.
You lift your head up...
...and take a breath...
...there are a lot of great
possibilities out there.
New customers, new franchise...
...just the tip of the iceberg. It's
waiting at the click of a button.
Everybody's searching
for something.
They're searching for you.
We just want to
help them find you.
T.G.I.F., Nooglers!
All right!
Easy, easy. It's okay.
Today marks not only
the end of the week,
but the end of the
summer's internships.
I know.
As you see through these images
behind me, it's been
quite a journey.
A lot of memories, a lot
of bonds were made.
Kind of reminds me of the first time I...
All right.
Today we reveal the
intern team...
...that will be
awarded jobs here.
Sadly, one team has
not returned, so...
...therefore I am
forced to calculate the
results with their score
as an incomplete.
We have a Victor.
Congratulations...
What's going on?
What a feeling.
Being's believing.
Okay, calm down!
Pictures come alive You can
dance right through your life.
Take your passion.
And make it happen.
Pictures come alive You can
dance right through your life.
What a feeling.
Nice!
Come on!
Extra toppings on
this one, boss.
I see that.
Yeah!
That's enough!
That's enough!
Lovely theatrics,
but the jig is up.
It's too late. Rules are
rules, right, Chetty?
Yes. Rules are rules.
And the rules state that
every team has the right...
...until the announcement is
made to turn in their sales.
So, in spite of your lack of
punctuality, which is astounding...
...I have no choice but to
accept this submission...
...and to recalculate.
Go ahead. Recalculate.
One sale to a small family pizza
joint won't make a difference.
It does seem that Mr. Hawtrey
is correct once again.
Boom!
The sales from one shop
on the last challenge...
...are not enough to
put you in the lead.
I'm sorry, bud.
But...
...this...
...is not one shop.
You see, this...
is a blossoming franchise with endless
possibilities, thanks to you.
And what you have done as a
team is connect to people.
And connect those
people to information.
Which is what we do.
And more than that, you
have the courage to dream.
In spite of your obvious and
astonishing limitations...
...you never gave
up on that dream.
So...
...gentlemen...
...and lady...
Whoa, whoa, hold on.
Chetty, no offense, you're
a glorified babysitter.
Let's get somebody down
here who means something.
I'm right here.
Terrific.
Graham, please
meet Mr. Anderson.
You know this guy?
I should think so. Andrew
here is the head of Search...
...a rather important
position here at Google.
Honored... It's an honor.
Look at you, Headphones. A
little mystery behind the boy.
How do you know him?
We were encouraged to reach
out to experienced Googlers.
To reach out to other Googlers,
not just kiss their asses.
You see, these
interns are smart...
...collaborative...
pretty... Thank you.
...and just weird enough
to make them interesting.
Also, they came
together as a team...
...to do something here.
Their Googliness is
truly off the charts.
Oh, stop with the "Googliness".
What does that even mean?
The fact that you don't
know what it means
is why you will
never work here.
Also...
...you just made me use a bunch of
words in front of a ton of people.
Look at me... you're a
real dick for doing that.
Look at me again. And I know
that your accent is bullshit.
What?
So...
...welcome to Google.
All right!
Yes!
I have a job!
I have a job!
Why are you getting up?
I should be the winner.
I hope you're all happy.
Maybe if I had a team of
equals who contributed
once in a while, this
wouldn't have happened.
What do you have to
say for yourself, eh?
I think it's time
to fake an injury.
What are you...
Ohh!
Man down!
Chetty, I appreciate what
you said back there.
You had us figured
wrong from the start.
He voted for you
from the start.
What?
Mr. Chetty was the
deciding vote.
I didn't have a fancy education
like most of the people here.
I had to work hard
to get where I am.
I recognized a similar tenacity in
you two, so I took a chance on you.
You did test my
faith a few times.
Basically, the entire time.
But I'm glad you
proved me right.
Chetty, thanks for
betting on us.
It looks like you'll be
seeing a lot more of me here.
So it does. Congratulations.
Thank you.
The other night...
It was fun.
It was fun.
Right? Yeah.
No regrets.
No.
Let's get to that
warm, fuzzy part.
That's not going to happen.
I love him even more. He
leaves it cold like that.
You keep playing hard to get,
you'll find yourself alone!
We're not having
a beer together.
We're going to have five.
We're equals now.
No, we're not.
Yes, we are! No, we're not.
Let's go find more interns.
Please stop talking to me.
We'll get drunk!
Have a great senior year.
We'll keep
your desk chairs warm.
Team Lyle!
Team Lyle!
Yo-Yo! Come! Now!
Mom, I need a minute.
We need to... Mom.
I'm saying good-bye to my friends.
I'm taking a minute.
Okay?
You grew an eyebrow, Yo-Yo!
Come on!
Okay, you riff-raff, get out of here!
See you down the road.
Thank you, Captain.
Thank you, Big B.
My Khaleesi.
My sun and stars.
Want to get weird in a nap pod?
So, don't be a stranger.
Shoot me a text sometime.
Forget that. I'll come
see you in person.
I'd like that.
I grew a pair of
balls, did you see?
A big pair.
You were amazing!
They're touching my ankles.
Okay, we don't need that.
Congratulations, guys.
Thank you, boss!
I did get you a little something.
Not to get too sentimental...
Whoa! Whoa!
Look at this high roller!
Busting out the Pappy on me!
I figured we earned a swig.
Mmm-hmm!
Hell of a summer, bud.
Hell of a summer.
Doo wacko!
Here is to you, honey But
I'm out of your league.
Never gonna pass me 'Cause I'm out of
your league, your league, your league.
Lookie here, baby
You're coming my way.
But I move like a landslide.
So get out of my
way and stay away.
Up from the floor on
the count of ten.
Oh, you get up, you get
down and you try it again.
Up and down and around again
British! Listen, Professor...
All right.
Time to learn a lesson
Like Pavlov's dog.
If same-ing isn't working.
Why don't you different
instead, instead, instead.
Like Samson and Delilah
Attila and the Huns
I understand that,
but here we go.
Go cheek to cheek.
Yes, yes, I get it.
Hi, my name is Billy!
Nick Campbell.
Oh, you get up, you get
down and you try it again.
Up and down and around again.
Oh, you get up, you get
down and you try it again.
Oh, you get up, you get
down and you try it again.
Oh, you get up, you get
down and you try it again.
Guys, hey.
Hey. So, what do you think?
Cosplay, what can you say?
I knew you'd love it. Stuart
totally loves it too, now.
You guys have fun.
Okay, great.
Don't worry about us, we're
having a great time.
Don't worry about us,
we're having fun.
Here we go. I get it.
Classics Luke and
Han with Boba Fett.
Couple of observers, we're
just here to observe.
It's me. Kevin!
What the shit? Guys.
Kevin? Yeah!
What the hell are you doing here?
Cosby.
Is it your first time at Cosby?
Excuse me?
It's my new journey. And
I have you to thank.
You really pointed
some things out,
I was being a jerk to people.
'Cause I was hurting inside.
Hell, it takes a big man to
admit he's wrong, Kevin.
Good for you.
Anyway, I'm gonna dive
back into the fun. Ooh!
Check out this hot
little number.
I don't know if it's an
Ewok or a space squirrel.
I can't wait to rip into that.
How do you know who's
underneath the mask?
Look, I don't know what's underneath
the hood, and I don't give a shit.
I'm insatiable. Now
if you'll excuse me,
old Boba Fett's gonna give this
squirrel a couple of nuts to hide.
You know Boba Fett,
he always fucked the space
squirrel at the end of the movie.
Audience knew it was coming,
audience wanted it.
Audience got it!
She's coming on to
me because she said.
I'm lonely Darling, please.
But instead of waiting,
I go flying off to you.
Why? Oh, well, just because.
I arrive when you're gone,
so I wait at your door.
You pull up in some
guy's car around four.
I punch him, kiss then
carry you inside.
Why? Oh, well, just because.
Oh, baby, do you
like me that way?
There's something about you
that makes me want to say.
I don't mind, I don't
mind, I don't mind.
Oh, baby, I like it that way.
She's coming home to
me because she said.
I'm lonely Darling, please.
But instead of waiting,
I go flying off to you.
Why? Well, just because

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Can I like this thread twice???? Ha ha

 

hope you didnt pay for this bullshit

 

wow let's just all take shit from sexy jesus i guess eh

 

dont disrespect lol

 

big question, is this Wedding Crashers 2?

 

retard thread