- Joined
- Aug 13, 2010
- Sythe Gold
- 697
- Messages
- 4,386
It all started when our uber handsome entity, Apith, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely puzzled, Apith grabbed a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few freaknasty minutes later, he realized that his beloved ban rank was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, RossDuggan. Apith had known RossDuggan for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. RossDuggan was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... stupid. Apith called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
RossDuggan picked up to a very ecstatic Apith. RossDuggan calmly assured him that most venomous koalas sneeze before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually surreptitiously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Apith. Why was RossDuggan trying to distract Apith? Because he had snuck out from Apith's with the ban rank only two days prior. It was a saucy little ban rank... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Apith got back to the subject at hand: his ban rank. RossDuggan sneezed. Relunctantly, RossDuggan invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ban rank. Apith grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, RossDuggan realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ban rank and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Apith took the spaceship, he had take at least two minutes before Apith would get there. But if he took the pony? Then RossDuggan would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, RossDuggan was interrupted by ten oafish pigs that were lured by his ban rank. RossDuggan panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he fearlessly reached for his live hand grenade and thoughtfully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the pony rolling up. It was Apith.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Apith was off of the pony and went surreptitiously jaunting toward RossDuggan's front door. Meanwhile inside, RossDuggan was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ban rank into a box of moderators and then slid the box behind his poor Sythe rep. RossDuggan was frustrated but at least the ban rank was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' RossDuggan flamboyantly purred. With a mighty push, Apith opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying social outcast in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' RossDuggan assured him. Apith took a seat frighteningly close to where RossDuggan had hidden the ban rank. RossDuggan yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Apith was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, RossDuggan noticed a annoying look on Apith's face. Apith slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
RossDuggan felt a stabbing pain in his ear when Apith asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ban rank right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Apith's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Apith nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before RossDuggan could react, Apith carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The ban rank was plainly in view.
Apith stared at RossDuggan for what what must've been eight nanoseconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, RossDuggan groped charismatically in Apith's direction, clearly desperate. Apith grabbed the ban rank and bolted for the door. It was locked. RossDuggan let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Apith,' he rebuked. RossDuggan always had been a little funny-smelling, so Apith knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before RossDuggan did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his ban rank tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
RossDuggan looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Apith. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Apith. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. RossDuggan walked over to the window and looked down. Apith was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Apith was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind RossDuggan's place. Apith had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral pigs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ban rank. One by one they latched on to Apith. Already weakened from his injury, Apith yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of pigs running off with his ban rank.
About seven hours later, Apith awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Apith did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious imaginery desert, Apith was very lost. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he remembered that his ban rank was taken by the pigs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken pig emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha pig. Apith opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the pig sunk its teeth into Apith's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Apith's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than five miles away, RossDuggan was entombed by anguish over the loss of the ban rank. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Apith... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the ban rank that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant pigs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
RossDuggan picked up to a very ecstatic Apith. RossDuggan calmly assured him that most venomous koalas sneeze before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually surreptitiously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Apith. Why was RossDuggan trying to distract Apith? Because he had snuck out from Apith's with the ban rank only two days prior. It was a saucy little ban rank... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Apith got back to the subject at hand: his ban rank. RossDuggan sneezed. Relunctantly, RossDuggan invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ban rank. Apith grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, RossDuggan realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ban rank and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Apith took the spaceship, he had take at least two minutes before Apith would get there. But if he took the pony? Then RossDuggan would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, RossDuggan was interrupted by ten oafish pigs that were lured by his ban rank. RossDuggan panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he fearlessly reached for his live hand grenade and thoughtfully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the pony rolling up. It was Apith.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Apith was off of the pony and went surreptitiously jaunting toward RossDuggan's front door. Meanwhile inside, RossDuggan was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ban rank into a box of moderators and then slid the box behind his poor Sythe rep. RossDuggan was frustrated but at least the ban rank was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' RossDuggan flamboyantly purred. With a mighty push, Apith opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying social outcast in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' RossDuggan assured him. Apith took a seat frighteningly close to where RossDuggan had hidden the ban rank. RossDuggan yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Apith was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, RossDuggan noticed a annoying look on Apith's face. Apith slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
RossDuggan felt a stabbing pain in his ear when Apith asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ban rank right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Apith's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Apith nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before RossDuggan could react, Apith carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The ban rank was plainly in view.
Apith stared at RossDuggan for what what must've been eight nanoseconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, RossDuggan groped charismatically in Apith's direction, clearly desperate. Apith grabbed the ban rank and bolted for the door. It was locked. RossDuggan let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Apith,' he rebuked. RossDuggan always had been a little funny-smelling, so Apith knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before RossDuggan did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his ban rank tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
RossDuggan looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Apith. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Apith. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. RossDuggan walked over to the window and looked down. Apith was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Apith was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind RossDuggan's place. Apith had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral pigs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ban rank. One by one they latched on to Apith. Already weakened from his injury, Apith yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of pigs running off with his ban rank.
About seven hours later, Apith awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Apith did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious imaginery desert, Apith was very lost. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he remembered that his ban rank was taken by the pigs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken pig emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha pig. Apith opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the pig sunk its teeth into Apith's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Apith's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than five miles away, RossDuggan was entombed by anguish over the loss of the ban rank. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Apith... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the ban rank that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant pigs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
inb4tldr
