Can I handle this?

I'm going through a strange time in life...

I'm 23, I've only had 1 job (which I no longer have) and I'm in school, but got started late... I'm only in my 3rd semester, most people going into a networking profession is probably done with school by my age...

I'm also something like a "on call 24/7 nurse". My grandmother has Alzheimer's disease, and I help take care of her - I run grandpa's errands because she can't be left alone. When things come up that he DOES need to go somewhere, I go take care of her while he's gone, and on days that shes just too much for him to handle, I go over to calm her down. Grandpa is also not able to push her up and down the ramps we built, so when she has a doctor appointment or anything like that, I go push her chair up/down the ramps and tag along to the appointment. And basically, this is going to bar me from getting a full time job before I finish school - Sadly, I doubt grandma will still be around when I graduate in 2017. And I don't care to hear any of that "you have to do whats best for you, you can't live your life by what other people need" shit. Helping take care of her IS what I want to do.

In August of 2014, the love of my life left me... And it was my own fault. She put up with me acting like a complete dick for an entire year. I was going through some legal shit that was threatening to see me in prison for 5 years, and I guess I just got the mind-set that I WAS going to prison, and started preparing myself for that kind of life... She said I had become an emotionless, mean hearted, piece of shit... And I admit she was right, there's nothing I can do about it now, we're not engaged anymore, she's got a job, her own house, a boyfriend and I'm just sleeping on my mother's couch, going to school...

But those things aren't my issue, that's just to let you know the setting of everything.


I've been single for over a year now... I haven't dated, I haven't had a one night stand, nothing... I've sat at home, playing games, making skyrim mods, getting drunk, and shutting off all the lights when someone knocks on the door - Yes, I've become a complete anti-social with 0 sex life. If you knew me as a teen, it'd be the last thing you'd expect of me... Hell, you'd probably expect that I would already be dead by now, found in a bed with 3 naked women, a bottle of whiskey and an OD of some other substance in my body... But, I'm not a teen anymore, and I'm not an out of control drug freak either... I've grown, but I've grown into someone who almost always just wants to be left alone....


But hell, that's still not my problem... It IS a problem... But I'm working on that, and working on it is what has caused me a problem...


I met a girl. And I'm conflicted about so many things with this woman... I'm not sure I can handle the changes that this specific relationship would bring with all I already have on my plate.

First, the good things -

She lives 30 minutes away. I don't have my own car, this means I won't have to be around her constantly. Things may be different for people our age, but last time I didn't have a relationship that had some distance, the girl almost demanded we be together at all times! I was 17 the last time I had a girlfriend that it was possible to be around constantly, and I enjoyed it back then... But now that I'm so anti-social, I need to ease back into being around people... I like clingy women, don't get me wrong... It makes me feel loved when a woman clings to me like glue (lol). But after the way I've lived for the past year, which feels like a lifetime, only seeing each other on weekends at the most is almost a requirement.

So far, she seems like a very nice, sweet person. I've only dated one girl that was a nice, sweet person, and she was the girl that I mentioned leaving me earlier... Though we've only known each other for a short time, so that could of course change... She could be a complete bitch... But for now, I'm only going to go by what I've seen thus far... So I'll say she's a nice, sweet gal and that's one of the biggest pluses a woman can have with me... A slight aura of childish innocence, a caring smile and a sweet tone that makes it seem like, hey, maybe there's a chance life is something worth having after all.

We like a lot of the same things... We agree on a lot of music genres, TV genres, movie genres, we like a lot of the same foods... You know, probably 80% of those random questions you first ask someone after meeting them, we've agreed on.


She noticed me and is interested in me... I know that sounds desperate, but hey, after a year of avoiding women, avoiding people all together... A woman that approaches you can't land anywhere but on the list of "good" right?


Now, things that aren't a "plus"...

She's skinny... Now, I'm not saying that's actually bad... I couldn't give 2 shits what a person looks like as long as they're someone that makes me smile. BUT, if I'm watching porn, "petite" is never in my search criteria... I guess you could just say that sexually, I find larger women to be a little more appealing, but as I said, it doesn't really matter to me, but at over 200 pounds myself, I'm worried that if I take on this relationship, I might feel like I'm going to break her lmao.


Things that are both good and bad...

She has seizures and is unable to work, so she's on disability... Call me sexist if you want, but I've always dreamed of being a provider... The kinda guy that works so his girl doesn't have to (not because she's "not supposed to"). But, with my current situation, I'm not bringing home any bacon. So, perhaps she see's me as a bum... I've found that works for a girl for about 3 - 5 months... After that, a man with no money becomes more of a burden than what a girl wants... Maybe that's because, like I said, I've only been with one "nice" girl, and maybe nice women aren't like that...


She's 27, I'm 23... I like older women... But again, my current situation is making me feel a little bit self conscious... She might think she likes me now... But what about this summer, when I'm still not working, still doing nothing but taking care of my family the best I can? Will someone family oriented enough to put their life on hold simply because they WANT to still be alluring to a woman after 6 months, when she has bills to pay and mouths to feed?

I suppose it's a complete contradiction to be attracted women older than me, when people younger than me probably have a better hold on their life and possibly even have steady income... So of course an older person would, and how could that make me feel, other than a burden or a bum? I guess I could get used to it... But I'm not sure...



She has kids. THREE kids (all with the same guy, who she'd been with since she was 17 and is now divorced). Now, some would say "that's obviously too much for you" but it's not so obvious... In a world where I can't see my own child, having other children around could fill the pieces of me that's missing due to that... I used to be good friends with a woman that had 2 kids, and I babysat as often as she needed me to, cuz I just enjoyed playing games and shit with the kids... It made me feel like I wasn't a complete deadbeat of a dad... So having a girlfriend with kids, that could make "playing dad" feel more real, right?

Her youngest child also has autism. I've been good friends with a guy with Asperger's syndrome for many years now. He came through town to pick up a female friend of mine, who he'd been dating for a long time long distance. And we sat down, had a beer and I found him very amazing and interesting... I had never met a person with any form of autism before that, and at that time didn't know he has Asperger's or any type of autism... But he added me on facebook when they got back to Ohio, and we've been great friends ever since... He even invited me to a facebook support group for people with Aspergers, and 75% of my friendships that have lasted over the years, were made in that group... I wouldn't say its made me an "Activist" but I do like to do all I can to make people with autism happy... And I believe I could learn and grow by hanging around this child, he seems like a cool little dude (though I have not met him in person yet).


And the bad things...

There's really only one bad thing so far... It's that I'm not confident that I want this... But, it's not because there's anything that really makes me feel like I don't... It's that I've thought too much about it... I'm playing far too much over in my head this early on... I mean, we aren't actually "dating" yet... We're just talking about dating... So it's far too early to be worrying myself with things like "will she still like me when I'm still not bringing in money in 6 months?" but I am...

But those things I've already listed above... The thing I didn't list is, am I just lonely?

I've been separated from everyone except immediate family for over a year.. Almost a year and a half... Am I just tired of being alone, am I just getting horny because I haven't had sex in so long?... The biggest thing I'm worried about now is simply:

"if it goes that far, will I still want this after I get laid?"

When it comes to women, I hate hurting them... The last thing I want to do is lead someone on, fuck them, and then walk out because it's not what I really want...

How do I know if it's really what I want? How do I know if my dick is just making me think I want it?

This isn't even a serious relationship, or really, it's not a relationship at all yet... It's probably just that I've been so anti-social for so long that I'm being paranoid and over thinking everything... And re-reading this, I think it seems quite clear that I'm scared to death of making another person who might actually care about me feel like shit, like I did in my last relationship...

But it's also clear that if I don't do something about it, I'll always be scared of hurting someone again... But before this is the something I do about it, I need to know how to know if I really want to do this, if I can even handle this kind of thing. If I can't, there's no point in taking it further and risking that I do make someone else feel worthless when I don't have to...




EDIT: It probably isn't helping my over-thinking and over-worrying issues that I'm no longer taking my meds... For people who've read other posts in this section from me, Yes I started taking them again... But I recently quit, because my intake of liquor ontop of anxiety, depression and stress meds was what I believe was causing some health issues...

 

Long read, agree with Andy, whatever you can do to get your mind off of it, that's the quickest cure.

 

Thank you both, I'll keep that in mind and see how I feel after socializing more on the level of a normal person for a couple weeks

 

I still haven't made a full decision on this situation, but more or less going to explore more of a normal life before I do decide... However, I would appreciate more input on the situation from others, I always appreciate personal opinions of others that make good points; gives me something to consider before I end up making the right or wrong choice lol.

 

Why not just take things slow with the girl or at least keep her as a friend? It seems like you could use someone positive in your life like her (from what it sounds like she is positive). As her friend you will still probably be able to do things like babysit her kids eventually. And who knows, it may give you the time to see if you want to take it further with her. I think it would be a mistake to just cut her from your life (not sure if this is what you were intending to do).

And who knows, she may even be able to eventually help take care of your grandma while you are at work if you decide to get a job.

 

If I decide a relationship is not what I want, then no, I would not cut her out of my life - We would remain friends if she wanted to. She seems positive to me as well, but I've seen people go from positive to toxic over night; so I keep my guards up anyway.

In a relationship, finding someone family oriented that would consider helping out is a high priority, I've seen people who are "sick" like grandma is live far longer than anyone would expect them to - I'm expecting in her condition, she won't make it until I'm working, but she easily may do that. My grandparents pretty much raised me, mom's always worked nights, so I was there every night from 9pm until mom woke up the next day at 3pm until I was old enough to stay home alone. So, my morals tell me it's not my JOB to take care of them the best I can, and having a second pair of hands to help out would be a true gift.



And though I do appreciate your reply, I'm mostly looking for points on what I see as good or bad, maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way - And of course, I'm no longer the type to just go to a bar and pick up a chick for the night, so getting laid to find out if that's the only reason I'm so interested in this person really isn't an option lol.

Advice on figuring out if it's what I want or what my sex drive wants is a high priority on this post, though I've made plans with friends this weekend and hanging out in public and talking to people may answer that for me though... If I find myself getting attracted to every woman I say hi to, I'll probably be able to assume my dick's doing the thinking right now haha

 

Interesting post to read, from reading it seems you are on the see-saw about getting into a relationship with this girl. And although it is it good to outweigh the good from the bad, if you REALLY like this girl and she is a GOOD person with a positive outlook I would say then make an attempt to make her your girlfriend.

But what you should beforehand is ask her out somewhere, make sure she is comfortable with picking you up (or meetup if you can get a ride) and go out to eat, or do an activity - something that won't possibly break the bank here. She most likely would have to bring her kids with her, so this could a possible negative. How? You are eager to meet her kids and they sound cool in your mind, but they could be tough to handle and may be a nuisance to you. Not sure if you mentioned their ages, but hopefully this won't be the case - but something to lookout for (I'm sure you thought about this already.)

Since it has been so long for you without a relationship, these "planned steps" are normal (heck I do it all the time when I think of wanting to have a relationship with a girl) Instead of me being a nuisance myself and trying to explain possibilities, just be yourself. Explain to her your current situation with your grandma and all, and if she really likes you and appreciates your presence and well-doing, then I believe she is worth pursuing a relationship with.

BUT, with this being said - do not let this one particular woman hold you back from doing other activities. Something that I tell my friends, and myself is to "Keep the ball rolling". Don't get stuck in a rut, because it will be hard to get out. Continue and attempt to meet new woman, as there are many more fish in the sea. It is a new year and time to begin a new chapter in life my friend, will be checking back to see how it goes.

 

I thank you for the reply. I had a strange day today, and started a new thread about getting my life together in general, and have also decided to focus on just that for now. I apologize for not posting something along these lines sooner so that you hadn't wasted your time, though, I guess it's not a pure waste - After I get things together, your message could have plenty of meaning if she's still interested. Thank you