I'm a Fuckin' Loser

I thought this would be slightly more appropriate here than in "something for all" as I don't consider this an "intelligent discussion" I consider it me venting as well as yet again, telling you all the story of my life, so I guess it should go here.

My real names Cody. I've gone by Grimm for years. It started when I was the scary fat goth kid in school at the age of 13, one of my friends took to calling me "Prince Grim" and it stuck and evolved to "Saint Grimm" and finally it was just "Grimm".

I was a spoiled fucking brat when I was young. Mommy gave me everything. And all I had to do was stay with my grandparents for most of the day and deal with her fighting with the guys she dated/married over the years.

Most of you that would even be interested in reading this have already read about my life, so I won't go into much detail... been abused physically and mentally by a stepfather, done most every drug, been shot at, stabbed, hit by a car, and even knocked up a trailer park skank.

Now, if any of you haven't read my previous "life" posts, your all caught up without reading an hour worth of bullshit that doesn't mean anything to anyone but myself.

Where am I today? Fresh out of jail. Some of you may be thinking "What? Last I heard you were turning your life around". Well I tried. I got my GED in order to find a job, and it didn't happen soon enough. I found myself in jail for not being able to pay child support. Class D felony for non-support. Max sentence, 5 years in prison. The people I met in jail told me that the state I live in is the WORST for child support, in fact, I know a man one state over who has a job, but refuses to pay child support and has done so for 16 years. His 16 year old son has never seen a cent and this man owes over $20,000 USD in child support and has never spent a day in jail. I owe somewhere between $5,000 and $6,000 USD and have done time and like I said, have a max sentence of 5 years.

My attorney says there's almost no chance at all I'll get 5 years, but if I don't take a plea bargain for 5 years probation, I will most likely do prison time, possibly a year or more. He also says that the judge that I'm going in front of ALWAYS makes no alcohol a requirement for the probation. If I drink just 1 beer and get called in for a piss test within 7 days, to prison I shall go.

At this point, I'm asking myself "whats the point of even trying?", then out of the blue I get a call. A job. 525 USD per week, 45 hours per week. What do I have to do? Sit on my ass. I'll be answering phones and answering questions about a product if a customer is having problems with said product. Air conditioning, no hard labor, good money. Awesome right? No. The baby mamma is trashy and wants everything handed to her, my attorney said to expect at least 50% of my paycheck taken + more as a condition of my probation. Now, 6 grand in debt, making 525 a week and paying around 300 dollars a month. 525 is before taxes, so lets say more like 400 a week. This leaves me 600 USD per month after child support rapes me.

I don't know how many of you reading this live in America, but a gallon of milk is close to $10 USD. So the way I see it, I'll be living with my mother for the next 15 years, another 18 if my daughter goes to college... I'm 21 next month, if I'm held down like this until my daughter is 18, I'll be 36 before I can afford to move out of my mother's house.

Now this is where I've discovered I am a loser. (yeah, you'd think I would have realized that when the thought of being in my 30s and living with my mother crossed my mind).

I'll start from the first. A good friend of mine and myself started a runescape account around 9 years ago. We shared the account until it was level 77, back in 2007. At this point he grew tired of the game and quit playing. Now, in 2013, I have gotten the account to all 99s except 95 slayer. Drygore mace set, about a 400m bank. Not much for almost 10 years of playing, but what can I say, I'm just an average Joe with depression problems that never gets to see his kid, just looking to waste time playing a game.

Now this "friend" I haven't talked to in around 3 years or so. Today when I got home I find he has stolen the runescape account. Of course I was a bit upset, I'm at risk of losing all of my RS items and cash I've worked so hard to get, but then I got a lot upset... I considered how he had all the original details and I do not, I may not get the account back, big fuckin' deal I'll find something else to do with my spare time... That's when it hit me...

I have no friends. I don't make friends easily. I do not like people. I don't just go out and meet people. The only friends I have, is my immediate family and my wife. 99% of the time, I don't even answer the door because I don't want to be around anyone.

And worst of all... Runescape is my ONLY hobby! Yes, I'm a writer. No writing is not a hobby to me. I enjoy it to an extent, but mostly, it feels more like working than being a hobby. So now, not only did I waste 10 years of my life on a meaningless hobby, I have NOTHING to show for it, and NOTHING to do in my spare time but sit around wishing I had something to do.

I'm a fuckin' loser. Something like Runescape, a child's online game, is all I have to do with my spare time? If I was able to drink and/or get high, that wouldn't be an issue, drinking myself sick and smoking weed until I passed out were once my hobbies, but now, for the next 5 years I will have no hobby.

Its not as simple as it may all sound. I have some kind of imbalance in my brain that won't let me do things. Its not that I'm too nervous to talk to people and make friends, its that I do NOT want too. I don't like being around people period, if I thought I had the surviving skills to do so, I'd go live on a mountain and hunt/farm my own food and just live with me and my wife til I die, but honestly, I wouldn't last more than a week in the wild.

I don't enjoy crafts, or xbox. What kind of hobbies would I like to have? I'd love to buy a Harley Davidson and just go on rides with my hair blowing in the wind. And tattoos. If I could get a job as a tattoo artist, I wouldn't feel like work was work, I'd actually enjoy it and my work could be my hobby. Why are these things problems? Making so little a month due to child support that I can't even pay bills, means I probably don't have enough cash for a $60,000+ USD bike or art/anatomy classes in college to become a tattoo artist/piercer. So we might as well cut all of that out. Where does that put me? Right back in front of my computer playing Runescape when I'm not with my wife... But wait... I don't have a Runescape account anymore.


So the story thus far... I'll be making 600 USD month after child support, but due to my weekly wages before child support I do not qualify for government help, so none of those food stamps I would literally require just to survive in this country on 600 a month. My only hobby has been stolen right from under my nose and the only 2 other things I'm interested in are so far out of my reach that I might as well not even consider them possibilities.

Living life like this, how long before my wife leaves me? How long before my mom's fed up of me leeching off her and kicks me to the street? How long until my weak mind folds under pressure and I break probation for some relief and I end up in prison anyway? Today, I have had to stop and ask myself, why is my picture not in the dictionary next to the word "loser"?

 

Honestly from what iv read anything i say wont make.a.difference. i just want you to know that i read it and i somewhat know what you're going through. I too like to be alone a lot of the time. I wish i had someone irl who was a true Friend that i could talk to but sadly i dont. For some reason i dont want one at the same time. Im only 19 and i think about my future and it seems to be just me. You know? I guess iv just had to deal with it. Sometimes i think its to late to change my future. I sure as hell can not change my past full of regrets. Anyways this is gunna sound corny but just know your not alone in this situation. Hope everything goes well for you in the future.

 

where is a gallon of milk cost 10$?

a gallon a milk in here is 3-4 bucks

 

Wait, why would they get half BEFORE taxes? shouldn't they only get half of what your paycheck is?

 

Quit the self pity bullshit and do something with your life. You're lucky to even have a job, you said you were jobless for like 5 fucking years, and then you finally get a job but you're angry because half of your pay gets stolen? Buddy, a couple weeks ago you weren't making squat. You should be greatful for the job and glad that you aren't in prison.

edit: nevermind, paying $300 for living accommodations or what?

 

Yeah I'm wondering if they're trying to sucker you into giving up half of each your checks because of the debt you owe? In which case, I'm not sure if they can do that so Loyal's math would be more accurate as to what you'd be making and spending so if you play your cards right, your future might not be too grim (get it?).

 

For whatever reason I thought that $300 /month was child support, but i guess it's an unrelated fee

but it's more like $1600 a month, -$800 for child support, then minus $300 for whatever this other unknown expense is, so you're more likely to end up with only around $500...............................................

 

It's not even half that... you say you will have $600 a month to live off of even after you pay your debts, which is more than some people make, and from what I gather, you aren't paying rent/utilities. Your only expense is your child support, which you are paying for because you neglected to plan for parenthood, which you only owe because you spent 5+ years jobless playing video games all day.

Long story short, you can't complain now, you owe money, you spent half a decade digging debt so you could play video games. At least you are in a situation where you make $600 and have no expenses.

 

No, I looked very hard for a job and only got 1 interview in that time due to not having a GED (or so I'm guessing thats why). My attorney said it will be part of the plea bargain to give up 50% of what I make before taxes due to being on probation for a D class felony, failure to pay will turn 5 year probation into 5 year prison sentense. Welfare looks at how much I make, current bills are not included, child support is a bill, so they will see me making 525 a week, not 262 a week. People making less get welfare and can thus can live on making less. Come to central USA and you will find gas is nearing 4.00 a gallon, I will spend around 50$ a week just in gas to get to and from work. I will be responsible for clothing, food and etc for myself and my ol lady. 2 people, living in central USA, without government help CANNOT survive on 262 dollars per week, and one minute people say to quit feeling sorry for myself, but when I am living with my mother in my 30s, it'll be the exact same people poking fun and calling me just as it is, a loser.

This isn't about video games, this is about how losing a hobby made me realize how worthless I am.

Edit: it is near 10$, last time I was at the store $7.32 per gallon of milk. I always learned 5 and over is rounded up to 10.

Math - 525/2 for child support = 262.5,
262.6 - 50 = 212.5
On average, my mother spends around 200 dollars in food for 4 people a week, I'll be feeding 2 people, 1/2 of 4 = 2
200/2 = 100.
212.5 - 100 = 112.5
1 pack of cigarettes a day, 4.88 x 7 = 34.16
112.5 - 34.16 = 78.34
Averaging 4 weeks per month 78.34 x 4 = 313.36 per month.

We live in a very small house, 6 room house. Monthly payment is over $400. So for me to live on my own, I'd need to find some way to rustle up 100 extra dollars per month.... but wait... on my own, I'd have electric bills, water bills, gas bills, internet bills, cable bills.... So not only am I 100$ per month short of getting my own house....

Mom pays 100$/monthly internet/phone
almost 150$/monthly water for 4 people to shower/wash clothes/etc
around 150$ for electricity/monthly

Now, total with a house payment of 400/month I am $500/month short of living on my own, not to mention all my math is WITHOUT taking out taxes, because I have no real idea how much is taken out of paychecks for taxes.

My "math" in the OP was all estimated, not actually added up, adding it up, I'm only going to bring home half of what I had estimated in the OP per month. And read my other posts about my life, there would not have been a child born if I had not been lied to and deceived for exactly this purpose. I said the baby mamma wants everything handed to her, she knew if she could fool me into getting her pregnant, she'd get money from me or I'd go to prison, and I'd say her scheme has worked pretty well. She may have gone 3 years living off another man, but within the next month, she'll be gettin a nice little bonus paycheck every week that I know for a fact won't be spent on my daughter. You judge me for not paying money for a child that not only does the mother not let me see, but also the mother has already lost custody of her once and not 1 penny of the support I'll be paying will be spent on my child. What I'm really doing is buying that skank new clothes, shoes, etc that she don't even need.

So many are quick to judge and tell others to quit feeling sorry for themselves, etc. For one, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I'm stating facts. I realized today that I am a loser. I realized it as a fact, a truth. In 10 years if I got on here and announced I am almost 31 years old and living with my mother, without any friends or hobbies, just staring at a wall in all of my spare time, would your first thought not be "what a fuckin' loser."? As you can see in the very first part, I say I'm venting. Secondly, don't judge one until you both look at the world through their eyes as well as walk in their shoes. With such heavily depressive nature as my own, it is very easy for even the smallest things to seem hopeless and black, and I doubt anyone that posts thinking I'm just feeling sorry for myself has to look at the world the way I have to.

 

^ Avg price of milk

over 5 rounds to 10? Compared to what, free? But obviously this thread isn't about how much milk costs so I'll drop it...

Anyway

If I recall correctly, you made a thread about applying to a McDonalds a week or two ago? I know for a fact they don't require a GED, if you were actually trying hard for 5 years to find a minimum wage job, you would have found one, GED or not.

I'm in college, paying for my own rent utilities food clothing, no welfare. You say you have to pay for clothing and food-- clothing can be bought dirt cheap, and last almost forever. Cook your own food and you can live off of less than $5 a day.

Ok, first off, $50 for gas is an overstatement. Even if your car only got 15 miles to the gallon, at a price of $3.50 a gallon, that would be 200 miles a week. How far is your commute and how many days a week are you making it?

And to go ahead and address this blatant waste of money, you are spending almost a fifth of your weekly income on cigarettes, that are going to cost you even more money in health expenses later.

The strange part is, you are infinitely more well off now with a $250 weekly income than you were two weeks ago with no job. Surely if you spent 5+ years with little to no income, how are you worse off now than before?

 

Well things can't get much worse so keep looking forward. Things get better over time, they always do. If you want to die alone, you''ll die alone. If you want to live happy and die happy, you'll do so. I personally believe everyone can overcome depression without medicine and that it is all psychological. You obviously have more problems on your hands but if this dumbass you knocked up is really a trailer park skank then you should find a decent lawyer or PI (private investigator) to have the child stripped from her custody and sent somewhere she can be raised normally. Does this mean you won't be able to see her? Probably.. but it'd cut a problem out.

Maybe I misinterpreted the entire thing, whatever though. Happy trails bro.

 

Cut the smokes and that will be a nice saving in a month, seriously.

 

I did not apply at fast food until recently when I got desperate. Are you a smoker? Have you ever heard the statement that to stop smoking is just as hard as to stop using meth? To bad they don't have rehab for nicotine. Of course, I never got addicted to meth and I don't know if that statement is true, it's just what I've always heard people say, but I am trying to quit, was down to around 3 cigs a day, but the stress of being in jail and knowing that if I didn't find a job to pay child support monthly I could be looking at my max sentence in prison due to a plea bargain, has taken me back up to 1 pack a day.

Work is 40 miles away. 80 miles a day for the round trip. car gets 20 miles per gallon give or take. So yet again by math estimation has proved me wrong... 70$ a week in gas. And I used your estimate of 3.50/gal but where my job will be it is 3.69 per gallon and according to the news, will be over 4$ by winter.

They can always get much, much worse. But Thank you for the warm words of encouragement! I don't get to see her as it is now and it'd take me an entire month just to take her to court (over $200 in service fees and shit), to pay for a lawyer in court to get shared custody will be out of my price range for a very long time. It wouldn't take much to prove shes unfit, the judge would look at her past record of losing custody as well as her criminal record and probably take the child away again simple as that, but I don't know for sure exactly how child custody court works, but I'm guessing they would piss test her and she'd lose custody then and there.

 

5 years is the tipping point for "Desperate"?

I didn't say quitting was easy, cigarettes are a luxury, a very expensive one at that. You can't complain about finances when you are spending money on things you don't need.

Also, does your wife not have a job? Your household income could easily double or triple if she had one.

One thing you didn't answer that I'm still wondering:

 

She does not have a job and obviously, its hard to get one around here. My attorney said his son went through college and was jobless for 2 years and even after going to college (I can't remember what he majored in, but he did tell me the full story.) the only job he could find was a entry level job. I don't know what that means, but I'm going to guess he means he wasted a shitload of cash on college so his son could work at mcdonalds.

But yes, I'm not saying it's worse. It is indeed A LOT better. but 5 years minimum I will be living with my mom and if your living with your mom at the age of 26 and don't feel like a loser, you must have no pride at all. Like I said, I made this thread with intentions of venting, not intentions of making anyone nor myself feel sorry for me.

Worse case scenario I'll still be living here when im in my mid 30s. In which case I'd have to consider myself a COMPLETE failure at life and probably undeserving to keep on living. If you were married, do you think your wife would be ok living with you and your mom when youre in your 30s? If it goes that bad, even my wife will be sayin "what a fuckin' loser".

 

I only have a minute to write something before I head out for tonight so excuse the length of my reply.

Do you people seriously think you're helping this guy? Do you think arguing with him over the price of milk or his calculation of the gas bill or telling him that he "didn't work hard enough" is helping the situation? Its not like he isn't painfully aware of his situation, its not like the thought of quitting smoking has never crossed his mind.. just Jesus..

Cody, I want you to know if you need anything/ever feel like just talking to someone who understands depression I'm here to talk to. My skype is darkestdreamsythe and I'm online a lot. I know what you're going through is hard and it seems like there isn't an end soon but honestly you never know how things could turn around for you. Who knows, maybe you'll find a way to float getting the certifications you need to be a tattoo artist? Maybe court goes a lot better than expected?

Really though, if you need anything just hit me up- have to head out right now though :/

 

Don't feel sorry for yourself get a better lawyer, and start trying, for one why are you on this site? There's better ones for your type of problem.

 

Yes, I feel that we are. It is apparent he has a "woe is me" attitude. I've seen people get put in situations where they are in horrific debt/living situation because of things entirely out of their control such as

1. Parents dying
2. Taking care of sick family member, costly medical issue
3. Natural disaster (my friend's house was obliterated by a tornado

If you look at what Grim has been doing

1. Knocked someone up
2. Addicted to cigarettes (costly)
3. Lack of education that led to joblessness

^ All of the above are HIS FAULT. I can sit and read a sob story and feel sad when something happened on the first list, not on the second. He has spent FIVE YEARS without a job, playing video games at his mom's house.

I'm not insensitive, if Grim is fishing for compliments, too bad. I'm going to give him advice instead, there isn't any need to sugarcoat his situation.

 

I love how everyones judging this.
First off, its not easy to get off cigarettes, its addictive as heck so yea its easy to say "quit bro you'll save money" but its easier said then done.

He obviously is going through a lot of bullshit but bro Grim, it'll get better man just keep your head up seriously.

Loyal to da game your a dumbass. Its easy to say quit the self pity bullshit when your not going through what he is. He's about to do jail time and i bet you've never done any time probably arrested for petty shit.


Grim keep your head up, most of the people on sythe are dealing with abandonment issues, loneliness, friendless etc. Ive gone through the same shit man, when i was younger i hit a pretty bad path man to the point of heroine but i came clean. Keep your head up man seriously.

 

I'm not going to sympathize about your life because I've seen people with much worse situations get out of them through hard work, if you really are dedicated to getting your life on track you won't have time for hobbies. I'm assuming your 45 hour week schedule is split up among 6 days which would probably give you Sundays off, if you really need the cash find a second job that pays cash on Sundays as "casual labor" You're going to be working 7.5 hours a day, there's a lot you can do in that time to make some spare cash, also talk to your employer about working extra shifts.

Also it's obvious your wife is freeloading off you and if she really does want to change her life she should find herself a job anywhere she can, first work on paying off your $6k of debt, if you stay loyal to your company and display good work ethics your boss may promote you, but the main thing you want out of this job is good references. Once you work a few years you will have solid customer service experience behind you which will help you find a better paying job.

If you really want to make your dream of owning a harley come true you're going to have to work hard to pay it off, also I recommend you sell your current car and buy a civic or take the bus if you're able to. There are several ways to save yourself money but you want to live a luxurious life on a very small budget. Also if you decide to default on your payments the courts can take your assets and auction them off to pay off your debt and you will most likely never get a house mortgage if you choose to not pay back your debt.

Also runescape is a bad game, it's better to quit now, quitting was the best thing I ever did and the main reason you play it is because of your previous time invested in it. If you really can't find something to do with your time then try getting a job with a gold selling company here and work the shifts on your time off, I'm sure you could make some decent cash for doing basically nothing.