So basically I was e-mail that girl I broke up with for the girl in Arizona.
Here is the talk, with names and stuff hidden for privacy reasons.
Basically that is it, for now, it is still kinda going. Anything else will be added after this is posted below the line.
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Here is the talk, with names and stuff hidden for privacy reasons.
Her to me
The first time we met eachother, we both looked silly, to nervous to look eachother in the eye, but I couldn't help but smile. We were not dating then, but the moment I met you I knew we would be soon, hoping time would pass quickly, but we would spend many moments of it together. The second time we were not dating either, I didn't know why, but you went with me to my first highschool dance, one of probably my cherished moments, that I hope to never forget. We picked you up, took embarrassing pictures, but you told me I looked beautiful, and thats everything that mattered at that moment in time. We danced, well, we attempted to, but I felt happy in your arms, it seemed like the people around us didn't matter. My favorite Katy Perry song played, you looked at me and said "speaking of teenage dreams", it made me smile, just like every other time I looked at you that night, because you filled up the hole in my heart, the one filled with pain and heartache. The night was filled with magic, in unusual ways things seemed to keep happening, we started dating that night, and you never even asked. The bruno mars song "just the way you are" had been stuck in my head, it was my favorite song, and I hoped they would play it at the dance, but that is how I wanted you to look at me all along, the way I am, and I wanted you to accept me for all of me, I can't even listen to that song anymore. We kissed, it was romantic, and in every way it was perfect, for me. After that night I didn't care that you were already in love with someone else, as long as you seemed content, and in the moment with me, because I felt how you feel about ******, I thought you might have realized, and maybe loved me back. We acted like a innocent, normal couple the couple of times you came over, swinging at the park, kissing in the movie, holding hands on walks, everything seemed to be in place, everything was going right. We laid on the hill in my backyard, it was dark, we started kissing, we were laughing, smiling, and we went a little bit further than I expected, but I didn't take that as a bad sign. Spending only 1 day a week with you was ok, because every minute I spent with you made me even happier, but I was nieve to what was going on around me, I didn't change your heart, I simply distracted you from love for 2 weeks, while you were being reeled back in. You always say "it's not your fault,"," I'm mad at myself", "everything makes me miserable", face it michael, all of that is bullshit, your just to afraid to admit to me that all you wanted was a girl you could "get some" with, then dump her for the girl you dream about, and really want to be with. You had to wait, after I told you I love you, to tell me none of it would have ever worked out, that I didn't understand how you feel. I want to forget about you, move on, put my heart out of pain, and get a new boyfriend, one that loves me. But you see what the problem is, I can't seem to let go of you, no matter what I tell myself, all the pain, your the one I want to be with. This sounds exactly like what your going through with ******, and now I understand why we had a hard time dating, your in love, you miss her, and you know you can't be with her, for now. Let me re-assure you, your not the only one, the world is in pain michael, we have to make our own happiness, one thats not eternal, but keeps us content long enough.
Still loving and missing you,
******
( you don't have to reply)
Me back to her
"your just to afraid to admit to me that all you wanted was a girl you could "get some" with, then dump her for the girl you dream about".... That ******, is far from the truth. The only reason I broke up with you was because I can't stand myself as a person, I was not lying about me hating and being upset about myself. Yeah you're right, I do love her. Sorry that I do, I miss her more than I miss my own family sometimes, I can't explain it. But you have no idea. The WHOLE year I dated that... bitch ****** (here), I thought I loved her, she treated me like shit, like I was a slave, and well I just went with it. But after we broke up and started fighing, well... yeah, I hated her with a passion. Still do, she hasn't let go of a lot. I have, but don't get it wrong, I still have a little feeling for her, but hate her. The whole year, I also had ****** (Arizona) on my mind.... ****** (here) even made me block her number, she knew how I felt... But you don't... "sigh" Look, I am sorry what I did, but the whole "your just to afraid to admit to me that all you wanted was a girl you could "get some" with, then dump her for the girl you dream about" thing, not true... yes I dream about her. I love her. I want her happy, I want A LOT of people happy. But everything I do now hurts someone in some way... loving her hurts both me and her. Dating you hurts you, her, Josh, and me. Dating nobody hurts me, you, her, and all my super close friends. Dating her hurts you, her, me, etc.. Nothing I do works in the end for me. I am sick and fucking tired of myself. I hate myself, and I am honest about that.... I am sorry for everything...
Her to me
You dating ****** wouldn't have hurt me if you knew that you couldn't date me because of her michael. You didn't break up with me for those reasons, infact you didn't break up with me at all, we broke up because you couldn't hold one conversation without bringing her into it, it could never be me and you, it always involved ****** in some way or form. Look, sometimes in life, if you love something, you have to let it go, which is what my last message was about. The time we spent with eachother was great, in my eyes, but I don't know if our relationship ever meant anything to you, but I love you michael, in a way like your my brother, I was never meant to be with you, I was just there to keep you company while you wait for your girl, and thats all I'll ever be to anyone, the best friend, not the princess. Have a great life michael, I hope one day you and ****** are together, it's just the one thing I don't understand is, if you love ****** so much, why did you even date me? Do me a favor, one that benefits yourself, don't think about me, just forget about me, I don't wanna be the blame for anything anymore, im what ripped you away from ****** and from josh, i seem just to cause hate and destruction, im sorry you had to meet me michael, truly, your better off without me, josh is right about me. You shouldn't trust me, be nice to me, like me, look at what I've done to your life, im so sorry. goodbye michael, happy holidays
me back to her
I already told you... it isn't your fault! I read you first E-Mail and had a tear.. I don't know why I do the things I do, I hate it.. Why did I date you? To try and find another person again besides her.. Which I guess didn't work... I don't care WHAT YOU SAY, all this is really my fault and I am terrible, I told you I really in my mind, think I am not good for anyone...
Her to me
trying to find another girl like her? really michael? look at the past! You've ended at least 2 relationships because you love her, your looking for someone to cover up your pain until you can be with her! you know I'm right about it, if you were really looking for someone, someone besides ******, you wouldn't reject me when I try to tell you your an awesome guy, that I like you, that I think your cute, you hate it every time I say that, you say your not good enough for anyone when really.... no one seems to be good enough for you. If you read that first email and teared up like I did, it means you have feelings, maybe not "love" for me, you like me, am i wrong? your guilt, your love for ****** tells you not to go for other girls, girls like me that want to feel for you the way you do for her because you only want her. but on the other side, your a teenage boy, you want to experience the "boyfriend girlfriend" benefits, you wanted physical interaction instead of just seeing ****** over a webcam. Hence my comment "get some". i admit that the relationship probably wasn't all about that, but it definetly had a role.
Me back to her
Despite that in the end I still don't think I am worth anybody, ******, you, or any other girl out there... hell I would probably screw up being gay too! I just don't see the point anymore, which is why I tend to end up pushing people. I always tell my mom I hate myself... Now I am not that kinda person to cut, or hurt myself.. but I do hate myself. I am tired of always... screwing up stuff. Every relationship I have ever been in usually ends badly, even before I moved to this god damn rock. I was better off in that stupid Alternative school from when I got expelled freshmen year. I was at least happy in Georgia.. I came here and more stuff went wrong in a year than it did in 3 in GA...
Her to me
I don't know your past michael, but I do know your present, and any girl would be lucky to have you, you just have to stick to what your heart says, and obviously it says ******. So stop worrying about the rest of the girls in the world, and love your girl. I'm letting go, moving on, because I really never had a chance going into this relationship, you and I both knew that. It was my fault really, I hurt myself through you, not because of you.
Me back
My past is what makes me this worthless person. You may let go of me, but I have never let go of anybody I have cared about... Which is why I am such a..... idiot.
Her to me
I think it's clear that in the end, the rest of us won't matter, just let go
Me to her
I can't let go knowing I hurt someone...again.
Her back
you are not hurting me by letting me go trust me, it hurts me knowing you still think about me at all. The only hard part is saying goodbye. seriously i want you to be happy, so go, let me go and the rest of the girls coming between you and ******, because she is who makes you happy, good luck michael. farewell with all my heart, ******
Me back
You have no idea. :'(
Basically that is it, for now, it is still kinda going. Anything else will be added after this is posted below the line.
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