dragonfire455
Forum Addict
I wrote this for my girlfriend. Seriously, from what you guys told me, I should break up with her. I'm not going to, I'll give her one last chance. Anyways, this poem kinda sucks and I'd like some constructive criticism with it. Thanks 
We met on another life; singular and alone
I tried flirting with you; but didn't know you were with kenmone
I was disappointed; shocked at what I did
You'd be shocked too if you tried flirting with another kid
One day I finally asked; It almost killed
That one day you said yes; That was the day I became thrilled
I finally was dating; One year of being alone
I was going to date Maxxy; My heart had a new home
We found ourselves; We found out what was really love
It was something to give; and when push comes to shove
You gotta trust her; Don't let then tear you apart
Tear then apart; You don't want another broken heart
You shut yourself out; waiting for that single call
You phone rings; it's not her, it's some kid you saw one day down the hall
He got your number, asked a friend for it
You told you had to go, you had no time to be in spirit
You wanted to wait; wait for her to call
But she didn't call; she didn't call at all
You thought it was over, just after one day
Then that one day she called you; and you decided to say
'I love you' and really meant it; She hung up, you felt disappointed
You said you were sorry, she asked if you meant it
'Of course I meant it!' If I didn't I wouldn't have said that
'I think I love you too' is that a true fact?
We just met, and I already feel for you the way
I loved this girl for six months, her name was Alyssa Hosea
She broke my heart, and all I have left is the pieces
Will you treat me better fix all the cracks and creases
Of my heart? That's all I really want from you
I want you to love me the way I do
The next day, you wake up and texted her
'How are you?' you texted She texted she was just fine
A month or so went by, you got a picture message
She was kissing some body and your heart skipped and stop before she texted
You started to cry, she told you she didn't mean it at all
He pressed a spot, she couldn't do anything to refute your downfall
You forgave her, and it happened again
She was with two girls, and she said they were just friends
You fought this time, you weren't getting pushed around anymore
You aren't ending up like last time, that razor's still on the floor
Of your closet, you didn't wash it
You didn't touch it, you just let it sit
You forgave her, telling her not to do it again
And even if she did, you'd still love her and be her friend
It's now December, you're still with her after all that
She said she loves you more than ever, she was afraid to fall back
She told you she was scared, of falling back in love again
You smiled, and said you already did, as soon as she became your friend
Before you dated her, she didn't know about that
She didn't know your heart beated for her and now you're never taking it back
You love her, you have to admit
The average guy would have gave up and quit
You're pretty strong, for a kid
Just keep going on and love her until you win
Her heart back, because you gave her yours
Once you do that, the glory will be from any war
You'll be loved, fianlly you can rest
You would have done it, passed this girl's test
You trust her, and love her more than ever
All you want is them to be together
Later this month you buy a ring, instead of a new guitar
You did it to physically give her your heart. You don't need to be a rockstar
Expecting nothing in return. You didn't want
Her to get you a ring, you're only doing this to show her what you want
And now you're writing a poem, to express how you feel
And try to tell her on what you aim to steal
You aim to steal her heart, something that you need
You already gave it out, it's something you will never see
Again, you want her too keep it. That way if she leaves you
You don't date another girl and she can steal another heart too
You're with her on the phone now, you just said 'Hello' and she said it too
She said it back. You hope that she still loves you
You say you love her, and she said she loves you too and
You hope she means it, You hope it and you
Finish writing the poem It's all done
It took you twenty minutes, you kinda had fun
It's the end. Time to shut off the computer
You write a couple more lines to try and tell her
How much you love her, you're gonna do it
You're gonne get yelled at it for it, but you still sit
You write one more line, with a single date you will remember
08/10/09 now and forever
We met on another life; singular and alone
I tried flirting with you; but didn't know you were with kenmone
I was disappointed; shocked at what I did
You'd be shocked too if you tried flirting with another kid
One day I finally asked; It almost killed
That one day you said yes; That was the day I became thrilled
I finally was dating; One year of being alone
I was going to date Maxxy; My heart had a new home
We found ourselves; We found out what was really love
It was something to give; and when push comes to shove
You gotta trust her; Don't let then tear you apart
Tear then apart; You don't want another broken heart
You shut yourself out; waiting for that single call
You phone rings; it's not her, it's some kid you saw one day down the hall
He got your number, asked a friend for it
You told you had to go, you had no time to be in spirit
You wanted to wait; wait for her to call
But she didn't call; she didn't call at all
You thought it was over, just after one day
Then that one day she called you; and you decided to say
'I love you' and really meant it; She hung up, you felt disappointed
You said you were sorry, she asked if you meant it
'Of course I meant it!' If I didn't I wouldn't have said that
'I think I love you too' is that a true fact?
We just met, and I already feel for you the way
I loved this girl for six months, her name was Alyssa Hosea
She broke my heart, and all I have left is the pieces
Will you treat me better fix all the cracks and creases
Of my heart? That's all I really want from you
I want you to love me the way I do
The next day, you wake up and texted her
'How are you?' you texted She texted she was just fine
A month or so went by, you got a picture message
She was kissing some body and your heart skipped and stop before she texted
You started to cry, she told you she didn't mean it at all
He pressed a spot, she couldn't do anything to refute your downfall
You forgave her, and it happened again
She was with two girls, and she said they were just friends
You fought this time, you weren't getting pushed around anymore
You aren't ending up like last time, that razor's still on the floor
Of your closet, you didn't wash it
You didn't touch it, you just let it sit
You forgave her, telling her not to do it again
And even if she did, you'd still love her and be her friend
It's now December, you're still with her after all that
She said she loves you more than ever, she was afraid to fall back
She told you she was scared, of falling back in love again
You smiled, and said you already did, as soon as she became your friend
Before you dated her, she didn't know about that
She didn't know your heart beated for her and now you're never taking it back
You love her, you have to admit
The average guy would have gave up and quit
You're pretty strong, for a kid
Just keep going on and love her until you win
Her heart back, because you gave her yours
Once you do that, the glory will be from any war
You'll be loved, fianlly you can rest
You would have done it, passed this girl's test
You trust her, and love her more than ever
All you want is them to be together
Later this month you buy a ring, instead of a new guitar
You did it to physically give her your heart. You don't need to be a rockstar
Expecting nothing in return. You didn't want
Her to get you a ring, you're only doing this to show her what you want
And now you're writing a poem, to express how you feel
And try to tell her on what you aim to steal
You aim to steal her heart, something that you need
You already gave it out, it's something you will never see
Again, you want her too keep it. That way if she leaves you
You don't date another girl and she can steal another heart too
You're with her on the phone now, you just said 'Hello' and she said it too
She said it back. You hope that she still loves you
You say you love her, and she said she loves you too and
You hope she means it, You hope it and you
Finish writing the poem It's all done
It took you twenty minutes, you kinda had fun
It's the end. Time to shut off the computer
You write a couple more lines to try and tell her
How much you love her, you're gonna do it
You're gonne get yelled at it for it, but you still sit
You write one more line, with a single date you will remember
08/10/09 now and forever
