How to Bullshit like a Pro

How to Bullshit like a PRO

Intro
Hello, my name is Ryan aka be ez, I have decided to make 3 step guide on Bullshitting your way through school. For many years I have had to bullshit my way out of numerous confrontations and sticky situations. I have in fact become too good at this and have bullshitted my way to paid leave as the CEO of Microsoft. Now that I have nothing to do I am passing on my Great gift to you. I hope you enjoy my complete Guide of “How to Bullshit like a PRO”.

Step 1: Preparation
Planning is essential when bullshitting someone. The biggest give away is hesitating either because you were not prepared or your delivery was off, we will be talking about being prepared in this step. To prevent hesitation always come up with at least 3-4 possible excuses while factoring possible outcomes for each, you must know them well and be able to make variations depending on situations. It is also helpful to put yourself in victim’s position and think of what you would say in that situation. After this step readjust your excuses accordingly and practice presentation with added expression. When delivering it make sure to use expression and sound as if you have nothing to hide, try and sound totally open to the teacher and as if you just want to get back to work with minimal trouble.
Examples see Step 2.

Step 2: Using Resource
This is a must when attempting to pull off more important bullshit. Using resources is essential in making bullshit more believable, for example teachers love to see signed papers and as paper is widely available in schools so it can be used with great success (this is where being good at forging signatures can help). All you need to do is simply copy a signature of your Parents/Guardians (the messier the better; it is obvious otherwise), match it up with a good excuse such as; illness, family event, sporting event (playing in one not watching), family death (make sure they do not call to offer condolences) and any other excuse that may help your plan.
Another valuable resource is your friends (assuming you have some). Friends can back you up if you get caught in a situation where you have been caught off guard by a question asked about your excuse provided you did not think all possibilities mentioned in the latter step. Friends can also provide backup in the occurrence that your teacher does not believe you, just be sure to fill in your friend on what you are going to say before using them or else it will be extremely obvious.
There are a couple more resources that can harnessed but these are the main and most effective ones. Finally bluffing is a very effective tool which can be used to add realism to stories and make it look like you have nothing to hide as in the case of “You can call my parents if you want.” Making sure it sounds as if it would be fine if they did call but yet again this is a tool which needs to be used in the right situations.

Step 3: Putting it all together
Once you have come up with a 3-4 good excuses go through all possible outcomes and learn it to the best of your abilities. Try and get a friend to be in on it with you as they are one of your best resources next to your signed letter which you also should have ready just in case. Make sure to fill your friend in on what you are going to say and what she/he should say. Get your tone and expression just right, keep cool and always act as if it is your pleasure to explain it. Never show that you do not have a response, just repeat something you may have said before and act as if you did not understand the question to buy you some time. Never speed up your speech unnecessarily as you will sound frantic. Do not use all your resources up front; instead use them as a second resort to back up your story. Try and talk to your teacher quietly as classmates may try to ruin your plan. If you are caught off guard or were not expecting to be questioned say you have a note in your locker and ask to go get it, you do not actually need to forge a note rather come up with your excuse and just say it was not there and you may get the easy way out.
You can use this guide in many situations such a skipping school, handing in projects late, unfinished homework and many other situations.


Then again you could just stop being a twat, do your work and attend school reasonably.
I hope you enjoyed my guide and that this is useful for you in the future.
Note: I am not the CEO of Microsoft, I have not gotten through life like this and I am certainly not on paid leave. But I guess if that is your goal, go ahead.