Why Can't I Own a Canadian? (Religious Satire)

Sypherz · Oct 7, 2011

Hey guys. As some of you know, I absolutely love religious satire... or anything that is anti-church and funny. When I came upon this, I couldn't help re-posting it to Sythe and seeing what people think.

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Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Click to expand...

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Credits: http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html; Unknown author.

My opinion: So basically, this guy is pointing out how Christian Extremists pick and choose what they want from the bible and manufacture their values from it. At least that's how I feel. There is a line in the bible that makes people believe that homosexuality is a sin. And this has caused everyone to get into everyone else's business (people they dont even know!) and try to affect their lives.
But we'd never give up football.

Quackism · Oct 7, 2011

Allright, this one is pretty damn funny, haha. I love it when people are mocking the church and I totally agree with you that religious people only take the lines from the Bible that are relevant for them at the time.

I can't believe (no pun intended) that people actually believe what is in a book, when so much research is done these days that give actual facts.

Noam · Oct 7, 2011

The essence of religion is a pick-and-choose situation. It doesn't work any other way

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Why Can't I Own a Canadian? (Religious Satire)

Sypherz Legend

Quackism Active Member

Noam Apostle of the Setting Sun

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Why Can't I Own a Canadian? (Religious Satire)

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Sypherz Legend

Quackism Active Member

Noam Apostle of the Setting Sun