What makes you happy?

I can't believe I'm posting in this forum, and I doubt anything will come of it, but I'll type out my story and maybe someone who's been here will have some advice.

I'm 23 years old, I'll be 24 next month. Between the ages of 16-22 I didn't spend three consecutive days sober even once. At 16 I was just trying whatever I could get my hands on. "Triple C's" AKA Dextramethorphan was super popular in my school amongst all the dumb kids. That was my first high. After that first night of awful tripping and feeling uncomfortably tingly for 6 hours straight, I kept doing it. I started smoking weed, taking painkillers, literally whatever I could get my hands on in high school. It wasn't as big of a problem at this point, but it started out here.

At 17 I started drinking. My mom bought a couple bottles of Captain Morgan for my 17th birthday and I had some friends over. I honestly don't remember much from that night but I know I liked the way it made me act and I had a fun time. So I kept drinking. At first it was just a casual 12 beers a day, but when I started partying it turned into a bottle of Evan Williams Honey a day, and then two, and then three a day. I was a full blown alcoholic until I was about 20.

At 20 I had a bit too much to drink and decided I wanted to go see Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter with a friend. I was two bottles in at this point, but it sounded like an adventure and I was always down for an adventure. I drove. On the way there I saw a couple walking down the side of the street. I stood up as I was driving and had about half my body out the window to yell "THESE GUYS KNOW HOW TO PARTY" at them, or something stupid like that. Well, during this 10 second period or so I had drifted into the other lane, which was for oncoming traffic. A truck driving in the opposite direction hit me, completely snapping my humerus in half. My arm then smacked the side of my own car, shattering my wrist and two fingertips (lol).



THAT'S WHEN I DISCOVERED MY LOVE FOR OPIATES! After driving myself to the ER, sitting in the lobby bleeding all over their floor for about 30 minutes, they shot me up with Dilaudid (hydromorphone). I had taken painkillers before, but this was in my high school days, I had completely forgotten how wonderful this feeling was. A big warm hug from the inside. Suddenly I don't give a fuck that my arm was snapped in half. This feeling was all I needed.

My doctor had me on two 8mg Dilaudid a day for the first month. At this time I had no tolerance, so one Dilly was more than enough for me to feel wonderful. The next month she switched me to 30mg Roxycodone. This continued for another 3 months or so.

Eventually they cut me off. I couldn't get that feeling I loved so much anymore. I had to resort to buying pills from people I know because I couldn't imagine not having that feeling of warmth and happiness. So that's what I did. At first I only needed one of those 8mg Dilaudid to get me where I needed to be, or 30mg of Oxycodone. That didn't last long though. Within a couple months I was up to 120mg of Oxy 2-3 times a day. I was getting a good price at $.50/mg, but that's still a minimum of $120 spent every single day. A lot more than a pizza delivery driver/half-ass drug dealer can afford. I had to find another way to get this feeling.

I'm sure you already know what's next. I tried just about everything I could before resorting to heroin, finding Fentanyl patches because they're powerful and cheap, taking synthetic Opioids like Nucynta (can't remember the actual name), but it was inevitable. I eventually got my first 2 bags of dope, and for $30 I got the same feeling I was getting from the $120+ I was spending on Oxys. I started out just sniffing the bags, but that's inefficient and I'm all about efficiency and getting as high as I possibly can, so I started shooting it. My first time was with my "friend"/dealer. He offered to hit me the first time so he can show me what I'm doing. We went down the street from the house he was living in at the time to the public bathroom of a fishing pier nearby. He taught me how to tie up, find a good vein, get the blood pressure up so the veins will show, how much water to put in the spoon, and eventually, how to use the rig for an instant high. He hit me that first time and I fell in love all over again.

Anyways, I continued that for a while, had a couple near death experiences...some hilarious, some not so much... and decided it was time for me to quit. I had one last party with my closest friends. We drank, we rapped. There were plenty of bottles, there was dope, there was blow, everything I loved. I told them I had planned on quitting. I was incredibly sad but I had to do it. So I did.

I started off buying Suboxone from a friend of mine. For those that don't know Suboxone is basically an opiate withdrawal medicine, you take it to maintain your dependency while having a clear head and not being high until you're ready to get off of that and be completely clean. Eventually he ran out of Subs, so I turned to my doctor. I was on about four days of no pills, dope, subs, or anything else and the withdrawals were INTENSE. I laid in bed the entire four days until it was time for my appointment. I didn't eat at all. I ached in places that I didn't know could ache. I was freezing underneath of my blankets but I was sweating profusely. My doctor and I are very close but she, like most people, had no idea the severity of my problem. She told me an inspirational story about her 8 year old daughter failing a test, then studying super hard and passing the test the following week, and for whatever reason, I just burst out into tears. We still laugh about that to this day. She ended up sending me to a suboxone clinic.

I've been going to that clinic ever since. It's been about 11 months now. It feels great to be clean...but not really. It feels great in the sense that I know I am beating my addiction for now, but nothing feels right. I was always a party guy, always with at least 3 of my closest friends. I'd work, go out with my friends, sleep for a couple hours, then repeat the same process the next day. But without drugs, I can't find happiness in anything that I do. I've tried just about everything. Dating, hanging out with my friends sober, exploring nature, playing video games, creating music (my biggest passion) and still, nothing excites me. After doing all of those things high my entire life, I get no joy at all from doing them sober. I've become super distant from everyone I know and love. My best friends haven't seen me in months outside of work, where they occasionally stop by to see me and tell me I should go out with them. I say I will, then get home and decide not to. I can't find a single thing on this earth that makes me genuinely happy. I breifly dated a beautiful woman who I had the biggest crush on for months, not even that was enjoyable. My life consists of working, coming home, fucking around on the computer or watching TV, then going to sleep. I haven't even seen my parents in months because I'm a completely different person, both for better and for worse.

So I'm curious. Especially of the people here who have dealt with severe depression, what have you found that makes you happy? Also, what was the trigger, or lightswitch that flicked on in your head and made you snap out of it? Because I've been here for 11 months and it seems there's no end in sight, no matter what I do.


TL;DR life sucks without drugs and if I didn't have people that I care about and that care about me I'd have blown my brains out already.

 

Instead of me doing a more formal response, im going to make this one a little personal because it hits at home.

Long story short, i had a really big addiction to pills; addys, percs, vivans, you name it, i was in there like swimwear. as soon as i graduated highschool, i decided to take a year off life to do anything i ever wanted to do before college. i inherited a shit ton of money and started drinking/partying, i owned a house at 18 years old. What else was a supposed to do. i had girls over all the time, id drink almost a handle everyday, was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. id start off with some addys or vivans to get my day going, fuck a hangover, then id start day drinking, head to the packy to grab stuff for the usual party. pick up a 750 or jack, ciroc, whatever i was feeling. started trying new drugs as the parties progressed. i was in the zone, 24/7 for over a year. i loved it, every moment. as the year went by, i started getting into my feelings. i realized that people didnt like me for me, it was for my money. It really wasnt true happiness, i was lonely deep down, i wanted to move on with my life. i wanted love again, i wanted to feel. after partying so much, it became more of a chore than an activity.
Depression hit big.

Honestly, this is one of the reasons i even went to college. i ended up joining the army the same year. i needed a way to fix myself. i needed to figure out a plan that would force me to become someone else. people say college is where all the problems start, but for me, its what fixed it. i started taking things more seriously, becoming mature and developing best friends. the ones who stood by me thick and thin. i finally met a beautiful girl, and we have a child now. my girlfriend ended up being on the the few that stood by me through my troubles. I always skated to sort out my problems, but i quit everything for a whole summer. walked away from a salary job, to get ahold of myself and do things i love, to work on myself. ended up getting a sponsorship from a local skateshop, and started working there eventually. (wasted college degree tbh) i wasnt happy man until i started doing things that would take my mind off the problems and started working on myself. i really owe my happiness to my friends that stood by me through my troubles and helped me. now im doing so much bigger things in life, and you can too.

 

@Island Thanks for the reply man. Sounds like you were in a pretty similar boat. Instead of liking me for my money, they like me for the fucked up me. The one that randomly punches mirrors off of cars in the hood, or hands someone the beer bong and pours liquor in it instead. I'm trying to work on myself as well but have no idea where to start. The suboxone doctor gave me the OK to start smoking weed again since it makes everything more bearable. But because of that I can't get started on any of the careers I had planned out, as they require a hair follicle test that goes back 3-6 months for any kind of drugs. Living in a small town, there's not a whole lot to do. I'm trying hard to figure it out.

 

Not a problem. Actually, at one of my jobs irl, i do social work. i try to help others knowing what some people go through because i have been there myself. As far as the small town stuff goes, try new hobbies or pick up older ones. fuck, i stopped going outside with people to play video games. kept me out of trouble. its what personally helped me. i mean i could suggest professional advice if youd like lol, but it seems like you got that under control with regularly seeing someone.

 

I don't struggle nearly as much as you do however I do smoke weed every night and have smoked for a very long time, ive just found a way to balance everything with weed, gym, school etc however I use weed to aid me with sleeping what do you recommend doing in order to stop smoking weed? Ive been on other drugs too, right now im recovering from a steroid cycle and quite frankly i cant remember what it feels like to have a clear mind and this is where it all bugs me, I want a clear headed mind, halp pls-

 

steroid cycle as in for weightlifting or medical steroids? term could mean both.

 

All that feel is because of your mind. Your mind is powerful being. We all make mistakes in life, and learning from them is what each and everyone of us needs to do.
I have fucked up bad. Caught with drugs, stealing, and other stupid shit, but I'm not depressed because of those. I'm a happy man, and living a great life. I've learned from those mistakes and moved on.
What makes me happy is everything man, because I try to make the most out of everything I do.
I love surfing, working out, gaming, browsing forums like this.
Not one bit do I look at life and say it sucks because I try to make the most out of everything. Even a crappy situation.
Sorry if this had no correlation with what you said, just wanted to say it.
Thanks

 

purely for muscle as of right now, however that might change to medical as I had low test levels before I went on the cycle.

 

i mean, your body is "addicted" to the steroids. it literally gets used to the anabolic steroids. when you lift, your body takes that sythetic testosterone and believes that that is your normal output on a daily limit. when you get off a cycle, you are pretty much quitting any class 1 drug {without the increased dopamine production for the 'high') cold turkey. So you're going to suffer from the usual grogginess, mood swings, irritability.

So as far as things to help from a clean mind, is to not take steroids at all. if you think about the underlining longterm problems, it really isnt worth the risk. things that could help you enjoy life more while weening off the cycle would be to work out more, or exercise. Hobbies to get your brain thinking about things. Eating right is the success.

 

I'm confused, why do you want to quit smoking weed? If you're only smoking before bed to help you sleep I see no problem or reason that you wouldn't be clear-headed. Smoking weed is much different from most drugs, you develop no physical dependency to it and should be able to just quit at any time as long as you want to. I have friends who have been trying to quit and can't, but for them it's more of a lack of willpower than an addiction. Maybe I misread your question though, if so just lemme know.

It does correlate. However it's less about feeling shitty about my past and more about feeling like something's missing. Sorry for the harsh example I'm about to provide but for me removing drugs from my life was similar to a giant hand coming from the sky and snatching away your girlfriend. Now everything that you and her have shared sucks because she's not there, I mean its still fun but you know it could be better if she was there. Hope that makes sense.

 

There are a lot of complex issues going on along the lines of necessarily being happy, I think the most fundamental of these is that we are pleasure-seeking creatures in every sense of the word. We like to do things that make us feel good, and in turn those things make us happy. You are strong for sharing this story, don't give up the fight friend.

Your road to recovery is important, it won't be easy but I highly respect someone who is trying to make a change for the better. You are most likely experiencing a long withdrawal from the dependency you have had over these years to the various substances. Addiction is a powerful tool, but the route to addiction actually comes from very rooted human functions. We are creatures of habit, and if the habit is especially pleasurable, well, you can see where it leads. You in fact know where it leads and it's unfortunate because the start of it was from an injury.

Give it time before your body is able to return to a natural homeostasis by producing your own natural neurotransmitters and natural functioning. Based on the length and years of your abuse this road will take a long time, the brain has a very slow restorative rate. Let yourself find happiness in things you may not have before, or things you used to enjoy doing before your phase of drugs. Whether it be video games, reading, working, etc.

The most important thing I have found in my giving up marijuana/cigarettes, which are childs-play to what you have experienced, are having willpower and just trying to find a meaning and purpose to continue on. It seems you have done that in knowing the solace of people that care about you and you care about them.

Life is both beautiful and it is shit, stay strong friend.

 

Actually you may be surprised to hear that cigarettes, for me anyways, are MUCH more difficult to kick than opiates/heroin. Don't undermine your accomplishments, it's a big deal.

Thanks for your reply, I love hearing from people smarter than myself. I've read about PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome), it happens after the horrible phsyical pain and everything else that comes from the first few weeks of withdrawal, and can cause:

• Mood swings
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Tiredness
• Variable energy
• Low enthusiasm
• Variable concentration
• Disturbed sleep

I thought simply knowing this and being aware of it would help me say "nope fuck you I know what you are" when these feelings start kicking in, but I was wrong unfortunately. I've tried goingo back to video games and making music, they're not as entertaining as they once were, though they do keep my mind busy.

One thing I've found that helps, for anyone who might be in a similar boat, is to do the exact opposite of what I want to do. So when I wake up in the morning and say "ugh fuck this I'm staying in bed for another couple hours," I immediately hop out of bed and get started on my day. When someone asks me if I want to go do something with them and my brain says "AHHHHH WE DON'T WANNA DO THAT," I say yes and go out and do it. It seems to be helping somewhat, until I get back home alone with my thoughts haha.

Thank you for all your kind words friend(s)

 

You're right, cigarettes are no joke when it comes to kicking them. Again it's the combination of the pleasure and the habit.

In terms of your symptoms you are noticing, unfortunately since those are the response of our physiological system, simply being aware of them won't change it or make it go away, though it does help being aware of it and why you feel such a way. In time you will notice slow improvements in all of those areas. The body is complex but it will heal itself in time.

 

I've been feeling much better. Just a little bump that I've (for now) crawled out of. Marijuana of the edible variety and forcing myself to get up and do shit with people I haven't seen in a while are to thank. Hopefully it lasts!

 

Start doing sports man. It'll help. Trust me and also eat healthy. But at least go for a walk / jogging