Grungers Unite! [Colgate For a Whiter World]

Hey guys.
I'm a first time songwriter, trying to get a song or two written by Saturday so me and a friend can start practicing them.
Right now, we're a two piece grunge band from Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
My guitarist and singer is a drummer in a locally-famous band with about 2.5k fans, and he's starting his own project.

This is this first song I've tried to write, hopefully it's not horrible.
Not sure about a chorus, we'll probably do an Alice in Chains style "Yeah... Yeah... yeah... yeah...." grumble or something. Lmfao =]
Anywho, here's my song.
It's called Colgate For a Whiter World.

"World weary, upon a midnight dreary.
Fake smiles all around, yeah.
People crowd around, fingers crossed for answers.
Too bad there’s none to be found, no…

If they exist, we don’t know… no..
If there’s a way, it doesn’t show….
Our government has a neutral take…
But that’s one smile they cannot fake.. No.

So seek your answers, live this lie…
But in the end, everyone will die.
When god comes down he’ll swing a mighty hand.
Nothing remains, but a desolate land."



Constructive criticism please.
I need pointers, not trolls.

Thanks!

 

For a first timer your imagery is very strong, good on you.

 

its not bad. I guess for beginning it's too short though needs a little more lyrics and the "yeah" "no" thing [backup vocals im guessing] isn't really needed for the official lyrics thats just simply something you add in later if it feels right.

 

Thanks both of you =]
Yeah, it is a little short.
After reading through a lot of good songs, like Again by Alice in Chains for example, the lyrics are really simple.
So maybe those three stanzas could be stretched out to make a full 3 minute song.

Thanks for the input =]