Just confused about myself..

Didn't realized I typed up an essay so bare with me and read if you want to help. Thank you



Basically, I have so many ups and downs with my moods but I doubt I'm bipolar..

Back during my senior year of high school I used to be so damn funny and popular around everyone. I thought I was so smart and shit, being able to come up with good jokes that everyone found funny, right on the spot (like, a response to what a teacher was saying or something) - not those loud/obnoxious/immature jokes that some may find funny; Actual clever and all-around mood-lifting and funny jokes ya know?

Now, sometimes, but rarely do I come up with jokes or am funny like this. I rarely have motivation in general for any social contact...this is weird because back in high school I remember simply hanging out with anyone I would have the time of my fucking life - even if it was just having conversations with people.. Now I don't care what people have to say for some reason... I don't like this.. I WANT to be able to have enjoyable conversations with people.

Now, this isn't for all conversations.. When people talk about school (such as classes I'm in, like Calc 3), I find it easy to talk with the other person.. Or if it's about car sound systems or weed/drugs or somethings.. Besides those things I don't even give a shit but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy or care about things other than what I mentioned above..

It's hard for me to explain how this started. I think it began after I started smoking weed in high school (mid-senior year). I became a giant pothead and all I wanted to do was blaze. This changed completely after getting my first gf (finally lmao) during my 2nd semester of the 1st year of college. I stopped smoking weed completely for her and I was that funny, out-going guy once again. Shit fell apart and I began smoking again..but this time I knew not to become a pothead again. I started smoking once more, often, but only at night or when I had nothing else to accomplish or do that day (but 99% only at night! as during the day I would instantly become extremely unmotivated for anything and only want to sleep after like an hour or an hour and a half. I absolutely am at a loss for words when I'm high so I hate doing it with anyone besides my very good friends).

I'm not as bad as I used to be. I used to only want to smoke weed, now it's a fun thing to do every once in a while but I'm trying to quit 100% for good as of a few days ago.. I'm pushing myself not to want to smoke with my very good friend, who happens to be the biggest stoner ever - smokes daily - and pressures me to smoke all the time. Don't let this give you a negative first impression of him. He's a great friend and doesn't have bad intentions, but he doesn't realize this personality problem about me, nor that I think weed is, or is one of the, core reasons behind it.

Anyway, after me and my ex broke up, I started going to the gym all the time (still do! it's fucking wonderful) but I've lost all the pleasure that the gym once gave me. I'm probably currently in the best shape of my life..but meh..

I feel like another problem has to do with the fact that that was my first girlfriend and she basically broke up with me over the phone, texted me maybe 3 times after that and never spoke with me again.. :noworry: Holding onto little pride left, I'm gonna straight up say it broke my fucking heart. I'm over her now though, but I feel like, without a girl, I won't go back to my old, happy out-going self..

My ex was fucking hot and I was.. average? at the time. Now that I'm in the best shape ever (so many people I saw last semester saw me this semester and didn't even recognize me my physical appearance changed so much) so I figure, since my ex was mad hot, now that I look 100x better, I should be able to get another girl I like right?.. But at the same time I'm not that happy, out-going dude I used to be so I feel like I completely ruin any chances I have with my dull personality.

More shit: I get kinda..ehh.. "depressed", though I'm not really depressed - more of that "mood change" I was talking about. But it's for no reason.

Looking at my life currently: my grades are amazing, aiming for straight A's this semester in Engineering 101, Calculus 3 and Engineering Physics 151.. I'm not slacking on any school work either. I've met a bunch of guy friends this semester (no girls...though there is this one girl I talk to every once in a while from my chem class last semester that I kinda like..), I have a good amount of money saved from working over the summer (that I might dump into my car soon lmao), I don't come from a poor family or anything so I'm completely set for when I transfer from my community college, my future's looking good with my engineering major (plus I love the classes I'm taking.. physics and calculus are so interesting to me and it clicks in my mind. I think it's more than just learning the material - the fact that I actually like to understand and learn it makes me think I have a good future) and like I said, I'm probably in the best shape/looking the best in my life. And lol, if this needs mentioning, my Runescape 'life' is wonderful too (though I have no friends on RS...at all lmao...... empty friends list ) as I would never stick to any goals in RS but as of lately I've gotten a quest cape and almost 2100 total level myself

So why the fuck do I feel so down sometimes for no reason? Hell, the only reason I'm finding the significance of posting this thread to ask for help (though I've known I've needed some type of help for the past fucking few months) is because I took some Adderall my friend gave me so I'm focused (no shit, right?) and it gives me a bit of a high, so I know it's a good idea to make and post this thread.

ALSO (damn.. all these paragraphs make me feel like I have sooo many problems >_< ) I realize that I'm so short-tempered when it comes to talking to people. I have NEVER been like this in my life........ I would always be interested in what people have had to say or any conversations I would have. Now I get frustrated and pissed so fast for basically no reason! I think, in return, I may snap back at them or give them an attitude (making it obvious I don't want to fucking talk to them or that I'm in a bad mood). I try to control this as much as possible but these feelings emerge for no reason at times.

In conclusion, I hope this thread wasn't too out-of-place by the way I typed it. It may be a little jumbled and random (or confusing to follow) but I hope you guys and gals read and understand my problem and concerns.. Thanks Sythe :laugh:

I think it either has to do with weed (possibly causing me to lose concentration in general?) making these irritable moods occur or because I feel lost/empty without girls' attention. Possibly both? Does anybody think I have some type of disorder or something? I posted threads in the past pertaining to these feelings - thinking I had ADD/ADHD or that I was depressed. I went to my doctor and said I think I might be depressed or have ADD/ADHD (I told them how it was hard for me to concentrate on certain things and I was also feeling shitty in general) so she prescribed me some shit but it didn't help at all so I stopped taking it..though I realize my moods change frequently so I don't think I'm depressed at all anymore anyway.

What do you think?

 

The way you explained it, things went downhill in general when you smoked weed. When you stopped for whatever reason, things would be ok again. I'd say just stop. If you're upset that you're not the guy that you used to be, which is somewhat of what I gathered, stop smoking. Seems like you're doing a little better now, with the good grades, good physical appearance and being fit.

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to add me on Skype: charlotte.gaming97

I've had some trouble with pot in the past, and as you've explained it, things are worse when you smoke. I can relate.

 

I don't think you have a disorder, no. I have and am being treated for bipolar disorder, so if you have any questions about that, then add my Skype or something. I think it's just a case of poor resilience. Accepting that we have downs in our lives is a hard thing to do, but these feelings are normal, and they wont last. You'll find someone else firstly and secondly, drugs will definitely affect your mood. I used to get extreme mood swings when I smoked weed, obviously because it was on top of the un-diagnosed bipolar, but it definitely affected me for the worst, you should really think about stopping.

 

Thanks for the responses guy. Yankiee I don't have Skype, sorry.

I'm assuming every since I started smoking and shit took a turn for the worse, that my mind sort of craves something more than just regular life. This would make sense as to why I always want to keep smoking and even when I didn't smoke, shit was good - but that was because I had a girlfriend, so she gave me that "high" I needed.

Basically I have to break this habit and get used to living like a normal person (lmao). I'm done with weed for a good long while now.