Need to spew out some thoughts to feel better...

Any advice is also welcomed though. Anyone who frequents this board probably knows half of the story already.

So, a couple of years ago I was in college. I was depressed, debated suicide every second of the day, and skipped all the classes. I failed the first semester. This finally drove me to confess my problems to a counselor, and I was put on antidepressants. They worked, kind of. I wasn't nearly as homicidal and suicidal, yet it was still there. Second semester started, and again I was skipping classes and submersing myself in self pity. I crashed, died, and was revived. Received a brain injury, my face was tore off, broke various bones, punctured a lung, nerve damage, etc... I awoke from a coma 2 weeks later and began my path of healing and therapy. Great things happened in that accident though, such as the release of the grip depression had on me. I'm no longer suicidal and I have been going back to school.

HOWEVER, I now feel that this course is not right for me... Which really saddens me. My grandparents paid around $2,000 for me to begin coursework and I'm not sure how much they would get back, if any, if I dropped it. I have a fiancee, we live together, and we plan to be married soon. I've been attending school and living off of disability as my income. I want to just stop this coursework because I know that I'm unhappy with it and it will only lead to me failing the degree or leading a depressing life. She approves of this. I'm really torn up though. I feel like such a failure. I want to contribute to our life together, and so far I've just been letting tax payers help support us. I'm not sure how an average job would hold up in the long term for us, but it's also all I really want... Just some type of job that is simple and easy for me to do with my disabilities. I feel like I'm letting my fiancee down though by just taking a normal job. She seems to be absolutely fine with it though. I've always been able to tell when she was lying or hiding an emotion, and I've detected nothing but absolute support and happiness for me from her.

I feel a little better now that I've shared. Thanks for the time of whoever decides to stop in and read this. All comments are welcome, whether they be opinions, support, advice, or confirming my worthlessness.

 

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction, I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. I can relate to your feelings noted in the beginning, and if you ever need to talk to someone, my PM and Skype are always open.

 

Thank you, and I feel like I'm heading in the right direction too. I just feel that I'm letting my grandparents down now. I'll be talking with them tonight about it, so I'll see I guess.

 

It's just stress mate. Look up guides on how to relief it. Antidepressants aren't the best way, try finding a hobby to do after school, it helps take your mind off the negative ideas you produce.